I recently spoke with a friend who discovered that her husband had been cheating on her. But he wasn't betraying her with another woman -- he'd been sneaking around with their joint bank account, surreptitiously purchasing sports equipment to feed his triathlon habit. When she found a receipt for an expensive bike they'd agreed they couldn't afford, she was furious. "It felt like financial infidelity!" she said.
Does her story sound familiar? Has your spouse or partner made purchases outside your budget and then lied about it or covered up the evidence? Have you shopped without mentioning the purchased items to your loved one or brushed them off as things you'd already owned? Or have you simply been tempted and bought something beyond your means without consulting the other person in your life with whom you share your finances?
If you or your partner commits a financial indiscretion that sets your mutual savings or budget goals back, it can create real trust problems and wreak havoc on your goals. And though it isn't uncommon for individuals in a couple to have conflicting money management styles and priorities, it's important for your overall financial well-being and relationship to have good lines of communication about money.
The best way to keep the lines of communication open is to talk candidly and frequently about your finances. Here are some guidelines for these conversations:
Agree on financial goals and a budget. Discuss your overall financial goals or desires. What is it you both want to achieve short term and long term? If your goals and desires are significantly different, talk about how you'll set priorities and compromise. Not many couples will have exactly the same interests or priorities, but you should come to an understanding about what is important to both of you and align your finances accordingly.
Discuss your money styles. Everyone handles money differently. Are you the type of person who succumbs to impulse buys, or are you more likely to save for a purchase and compare prices and products well in advance? If you have different styles of spending, consider creating separate accounts so each of you have control over a reasonable amount of discretionary cash.
Forgive and forget -- but take care of yourself. If your loved one cheats on you financially, weigh the situation rationally. Reflect on how you can respond to the situation and then sit down together and talk about it. You can certainly expect your partner to make some financial sacrifices, such as delaying other purchases, to get your budget on track. If the action was egregious or was a second offense, be honest about your emotions and expectations for the future.
Have regular financial conversations. Having a trusted professional as part of the conversation can make it easier. If you meet with a financial advisor on a regular basis and you and your partner tend to disagree when it comes to financial priorities, make conversations about spending one of the topics you discuss with your advisor. The more open you are about your finances to begin with, the easier it will be to keep the lines of communication open.
Suzanna de Baca is the vice president of wealth strategies at Ameriprise Financial.
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I say trust, until that trust is broken badly, seriously and then reassess.
If one party is broken it will be hard to sustain a whole relationship.
Cheers
R
Marriage. Where do I sign?
I'm puzzled as to why your response to me lead with a highly egregious example of fiscal irresponsibility by the wife & extreme complacency on the part of the husband. Clearly, as written in my comments, I agreed with the article & all of it's points. I am also aware that extreme examples of "financial infidelity" exist but I don't feel that is the root of the problem in this particular situation.
I think the real issue, is one of control & dismissive/condescending behavior displayed by the wife in that she don't think her husbands "triathlon habit" is important. (A spouse down playing what is important to you can be a very hurtful thing.) He sneaks because he wants to be happy, & feels he has a right to spend some of his hard earn money without always having to get the ok from his wife, (avoiding conflict)...who by the way have probably communicated to him on numerous occasions that she think his "habit" is pointless and a waste of money.
You say that finances should always be discussed and I say....within reason. Because if I work there has to be a reasonable expectation for me to have the ability to treat me sometimes. Keep in mind I said reasonable.
When you have huge disparities in wages it can be problematic but not impossible. You can have a vacation account for instance, or a Xmas/birthday account for immediate and external family members.
Ladies if you are marrying a guy with lower income and future possibilities cloudy, you need to weigh the long term aspirations of the family.
Men, if you are the big wage earner and your wife is not, PAY HER AN ALLOWANCE for taking care of you and the household because more times than not she will do more for home maintenance.
Equity can be established but it has to be communicated from the onset and ongoing through the process. Don't hide anything. It really is not worth it, just causes trust issues.
If I am ever in a relationship again, there will be full financial transparency.
Boyd Lemon-Author of “Eat, Walk, Write: An American Senior’s Year of Adventure in Paris and Tuscany,” and "Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages," the author’s journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. Information and excerpts: http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com