Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James is number one on the New York Times best-seller list -- an unusual slot for a pornographic novel. And it has gotten there by word of mouth. Have you heard about it? Have you read it? Are you thinking you might? In my conversations with women all over the country in recent weeks, the answers are variations of yes.
Not that the plot matters, but it's about an innocent college student and an incredibly attractive and very rich man, who also keeps a bondage chamber. Seduction, submission and sex are the formula for a publishing category called Romance, which is the most profitable of all ($1.4 billion). As one Barnes and Noble clerk told New York Magazine about his customers, "It's always older women, never younger than 30. ... In the five years that I've worked here, I have not seen a single man buy one of these books."
I can understand the turn-on of fantasizing about a godlike suitor who desires us madly; beyond anything he has ever known. What goes on in his "Red Room of Pain" is more a matter of taste. But why are women my age -- including many of my friends -- not only reading it but talking about it?
It's the talking about it part that interests me, because as I travel around the country meeting with groups of women to discuss my latest book How We Love Now, the subject of sex inevitably comes up, and when it does, the consensus is that while many women are having great sex and many others are having sexual problems, we are not sharing our experiences the way we do on most other topics. Many in those audiences express the wish that they could talk more freely with their partners and share this part of their lives with close friends. "Having said that," one added, "I still don't know where to begin."
There are obvious reasons for this reticence -- discomfort with the subject, concern about betraying partners in conversations with friends, feeling foolish about having an interest in sex "at our age."
It is in answer to the last inhibition that Fifty Shades of Grey comes in. I think that one reason we are reading it is because whether or not we are currently in a sexual relationship, we want to confirm that our juices are still flowing. There is enough unbonded -- "pure vanilla," Grey calls it -- eroticism in the book to do that.
By talking about the book, we are also able to gauge whether other women are exploring the same territory. "I'm reading 50 Shades of Grey" is code for "I still have sexual feelings; do you?"
But once that curiosity is shared, it is still hard to move on to frank talk. At least among ourselves. Every time I blog about how we aren't talking about sex, I get hundreds of anonymous comments. They go on and on in a real conversation -- informative, compassionate, honest, detailed, and funny. For the moment, anyway, that's where people can really let their hair down.
A recent blog elicited a challenging statement that offers some reasons why we don't talk about sex -- and why we should:
People under 50 don't talk about sex much either; they say only what is socially acceptable in their circle of friends and what they believe the others want to hear.
We all have sexual desires we "shouldn't" have.
We are all judgmental of the sexual behavior of others.
We all tend to question our own sexuality.
We all hold views and beliefs about sex that are strongly abhorred by others.
Sexuality = vulnerability.
Is it any wonder, then, that we are reluctant to discuss it socially except on the most superficial basis?
(Check out the "Today Show" video below for an interview with the author of 50 Shades of Grey, a suburban mother of two who said the book is "my mid-life crisis writ large.")
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Birute Regine: 50 Shades of F***ed Up
This actually reminds me of the song by Rolling Stones, " Mother's Little Helper". There was a depression epidemic in the 60's and women were given this little yellow pill to help them get through.
It says--
Doctor please, some more of this,
Outside the door she took four more,
What a drag it is getting old...
Prescriptions of anti-depressants have soared to all-time highs in the last couple decades with the availability of SSRI's, and the intense marketing of these substances on TV, the net, and in ads of all kinds.
I heard about 50 Shades b/c my boyfriend heard about it on the Dr. Oz show and am looking it up now to find out more. From what I'm reading, it might be a good book but I may stick to adult fairy tales, historical erotica and the movie "Secretary" ;)
But younger generations might not have seen those titles...
In other words...IMO....this book is mainly popular because of its fantasy/taboo aspect. In another country...or in a culture that doesn't "expect" certain things from women...this wouldn't be a big deal
All my opinion of course
But mainly, if you don't think you'd be into these books then at least be respectful of those who are. It costs you nothing.
As for the whole "you are setting women back 50 years blah blah blah" I would like to chime in that it is entirely possible to enjoy being dominated physically and sexually and to still have your cake and eat it by being a strong independent woman the rest of the time. Ask any reasonable top or master in BDSM and they will tell you that it is really the submissive that has the power in the scene because they are choosing to give that power up and they also have the choice to stop it at any time (especially if said scene takes place in a public dungeon where there are DMs around to ensure that this happens if need be and the woman or man on the bottom calls red)
There really is nothing new under the sun!
This is eye-opening to this old guy. My adult daughter keeps me up to date on rape culture, male privilege, and DV. I find it startling that women want men to be docile, unaggressive wimps by day and patriarchal overlords by night. Maybe you women can switch roles on a dime but some of us guys just see it as "having your cake and eating it too".
Just because women don't want to be controlled absolutely doesn't mean we don't like a guy to take charge once in a while. Having a balance and/or some give-and-take there allows for less "side-heaviness", meaning it takes some pressure off the guy as well (i.e. having HIS cake and eating it too). Sorry you seemed to miss that.
My daughter has informed me that rape culture and DV has taught women to fear men. All men are potential rapists and batterers. For a guy that doesn't like scaring women all the time, my response has been to be drop all forms of behavior that might remotely be perceived as threatening or aggressive. That is now who I am. To turn around and be aggressive in the bedroom seems fake, contrived, and wrong. I think other men who have internalized the rape culture and DV messages may react similarly. In fact, if the popularity of the genre is any proof, women are bemoaning what American men have turned in to. The constant drumming in the media and colleges about how violent and stupid men are have finally begun to convince men that women are better off without us.