Playfulness - Can Getting Experimental Lead To Orgasm?

11/18/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011
Kama Sutra Illustration

Women have a lot of complaints about their male lovers. It's one of the reasons that women are unhappy, I think. They get frustrated feeling as though they have to teach their lover over and over again and then, over the years, they just give up. Great sex doesn't happen naturally despite the prevalence of the myth that says it's supposed to 'just happen naturally'.

I am sure that the most inspiring, out-of-this-world sex you've ever had was a result of good technique, great set and setting (music, lighting, location, vibes), playfulness, a lengthy time period but most importantly a lover who was fully present with you. This combination of factors doesn't just happen naturally. It takes practice and consciousness.

The truth is, though, that you are responsible for your own pleasure. You're lover isn't responsible, you are. It helps to have a trained lover but there are ways that women can better advocate for themselves in the arena of great sex. It requires work (fun work), a sense of playfulness, a commitment to conscious communication, body knowledge, a sense of your own adventure-driven nature, time and a sense of amazement and wonderment.

Surveys and sexuality reports tell us that roughly 20% of sexually active women have orgasms during intercourse. Assumptions will need to be made about that number because we don't know if that includes manual stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse or not and several other issues that might skew the statistics. I personally find this number to be a sad testament to Western culture's lack of understanding that sex is a healthful addition to anything we might do for our physical and mental wellbeing.

Orgasms are important to women no matter how convincing the idea of being in pleasure without being goal oriented is. Some of the time you can do this and some of the time you want an orgasm, pure and simple. Cultural constraints, modern media, lovers and friends can all influence how you might feel about your body, emotions and your ability to orgasm. Sometimes you just want what she's having and you want it now. If that's the case with you then find your lover, get playful and read this:

The famous anthropologist Desmond Morris wrote: "A group of 27 couples were asked to vary their sexual positions experimentally, employing postures that would allow greater stimulation of the two vaginal 'hot spots', and it was found that three-quarters of the females involved were then able to achieve regular vaginal orgasms."

In other words, it has been confirmed that becoming more uninhibited, playful and less self-conscious are all important ingredients in freeing orgasms and in producing multiple orgasms in women. Sexual liberation can translate to sexual ecstasy when a sense of freedom and playfulness is brought to lovemaking. Experimenting with even the most subtle of movements, or shifts of a single position, can make a huge difference in getting the right kind of stimulation. You can't find those distinctions unless you are playing.

Here's a position from the Kama Sutra that you can try being playful with. See my short video explaining a bit about the best angles of penetration for intercourse:

The Kama Sutra Position: The Splitting of the Bamboo
In this position the woman lies down on her back and the man straddles her as in the Missionary Position. She then raises one of her legs and places it on her lover's shoulder. Her other leg stretches out to the couple's side or she can bring it up closer to her body by bending it at the knee. After a brief time the legs are switched and then switched again creating a back and forth motion that can sweep the head of the penis across the G-spot in a windshield wiper like fashion.

In this position the woman may discover that one side works far better for her than the other. If the couple decides to stay in that position for a while she can begin to move her buttocks and legs in small, specific ways to increase the friction and pleasure. She can lift her buttocks, shift it to one side slightly, have her lover put a small pillow under her on one side or the other, slide her leg up further on his shoulder - I think you get the picture. There are a million subtle shifts that can occur that will make a significant difference in the results.

Try this one over the weekend. Let me know how it goes!

Suzie Heumann is the founder of She studies, writes, has authored three books and makes films about conscious sex, Tantra and the Kama Sutra. Check out Premium for the most comprehensive tantra training available on the Internet!

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