I am a confused mother!
I am a mother who does not want to simply uphold the way I was raised, but I am not able to fully embrace the American way of raising children. I am a mother who does not have a strong conviction that there is one fixed, right way of raising children. I am less confused about how I want my kids to turn out to be. I want them to be accomplished yet happy, driven yet with integrity, risk-takers yet responsible, compassionate yet ruthless about reaching their goals, balanced yet relentlessly pursuing what they choose, unique and independent yet family-loving, monetarily successful yet not material-driven, secure, friendly, polite, caring, knowledge hungry, creative, focused, exuberant, interesting, cooperative, intelligent, empathic -- let me think if I forgot anything.... In order to achieve this, I read books, I pay attention to the parenting tips, I talk to other parents, I watch parents of other kids, and self-explore on what I must be doing wrong and how I can improve. Often times I second-guess my own choice in a specific situation, and wonder if I could have found a better way of parenting.
Just for the record, I am not called a neurotic person. I have a reputation for being a calm and thoughtful person.
When I read books about how to raise happy kids, I say "happiness is not everything; you must make a difference in this world." When I see a book on "How to raise brainy kids", I say "how about the EQ factor?" When I see a book on "How to raise confident kids", I say "Too much independence can lead to unpredictable results, kids need strong discipline."
I am a modern South Asian/American Mom, from India, the country that was colonized by the British Empire for 150 years, the India that is caught between idealizing the individualistic Western (British and now the US) culture and the hundreds of years of Indian traditions of self-sacrifice for the family.
Just like my culture-of-origin is caught between the East and the West, I am confused about what principle to follow when it comes to parenting practice. I am a psychotherapist and I do not work with children -- not very surprising! When I follow the guidelines by fellow psychotherapists and ensure being emotionally very available to my children, I worry about making them emotionally entitled and self-centered just like some other American children. On the other hand, when I look at some Indian parents, I have a strong negative reaction when I see them enforcing high achievement in children as an accolade to themselves.
I know what rules are supposed to be good for them, on TV and electronic device usage, certain foods, and too much material. Sometimes, it is too much trouble to keep enforcing the potentially unpleasant rules, for the fear of being a "nag." In addition, occasionally the questions arise such as, "Did Steve Jobs have such rules when he grew up?" "Should they be deprived of having a fun and relaxing time?" "If technology is my child's passion, then should I let him be on the computer for as long as he wants -- as long as I keep track of how much YouTube he is watching?" If I monitor their actions too much and try to be too available to solve all their problems, I worry about if they can be mature and independent choice makers like the Americans I admire. If I let them be free to fend for themselves, then my knowledge of research about the perils of permissive parenting starts hovering over me. I look around and I watch the "independent kids" making mistakes and exploring on their own, only to realize later that they wasted some years in reinventing the wheel. I do not want to be overprotective for the fear of making my kids too anxious, and yet I shudder at the stories of date rape, bullying, and "boys will be boys." If I raise my kids to be compassionate in the Buddhist sense, I worry about taking out the "fire in their belly." If I want them to be tough and self-defending, I wonder if my rules such as "stupid is a bad word" become an antidote. Should I allow them to use "curse words" like most of their peers, and in fact, display tough judgmentality myself like most other moms do? Should I allow them to be judgmental in order to feel "safe" and "confident" in their own little world?
Should I try to be a "brutal" mother like the Tiger Mom, Amy Chua? Not possible, because I just simply could not bring myself to call any kid "garbage," even if it means churning out "success" and "self-esteem." Besides, what if your child was not able to keep up with your expectations? Should I be like my Indian mother (who did manage to produce happy, ambitious, and mostly pleasant people pleasers), who enforced what she thought was "good" for us, without ever giving us "three choices" or finding out how we "felt" about it? Not possible, simply because the environment in which I am raising my kids is so different, and so are my values about respecting individual feelings. Should I be expecting the self-indulgent, nonchalant teen behavior as "it is normal" or should I make sure to enforce different values (people oriented, responsible) from young age -- just like the teens in India seem to be respectful and responsible? Is it possible to go against the culture around you without making your kids feel like an odd man out?
In the middle of my confusion, when I allow myself to pause, I do notice that my kids are turning out to be the type of people I want (OK, not everything from my ridiculously long list -- but the gist of it), in their own searching ways. I did not enforce it, but my high-achieving daughter has always chosen not to fall for the "popularity" contest in her schools. Without explicit instructions, my smart son knows how to respect and treat people. Both of them aspire to be good students and good people, and yet are able to keep their individuality, some times in spite of their mom. Above all, they feel very safe and close to both me and my husband. Did we do something right? I look around amongst their friends (raised by conscious American mothers) who mostly seem to be good yet successful kids. If I look hard, I may be able to come up with a few general rules.
Am I right in my conclusions?
Follow Swati Desai, Ph.D., LCSW on Twitter: www.twitter.com/SwatiMeditate
Kathy Buckworth: Birth Order Basics
We differ merely in regards to your possible doubts about "going against the culture" lest the kids feel "like an odd man out." If one grows up in a place like the USA, especially in a crowded city near a variety of immigrant cultures, many usually benefit greatly from experiencing different ways. The diversity of the melting pot provides reality, information, understanding and challenges. Differences must be tolerated and some are eventually appreciated. We are all "outies." While we are learning to get along, we may get to accumulate some of that essential HQ you mentioned!
Or perhaps you mean "going against the culture" as in permitting ones kids to adopt others' habits which are unacceptable to the parents?. When children are young and feel out of it, with parental support, their resiliance will enable them to persevere. By the time they are older, they will have mastered this essential life skill.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcnXpOygKGI
In other words, you engage in parental self-reflection, which necessitates adopting your children's
perspective in order to assess how your choice(s) might play out.
I think what horrified me most about Chua's article is that the concept of mentally reviewing her
interactions with her children, from their perspective, seemed to be completely alien to her.
But till then, one has to relentlessly work at it, understand temperaments, spot the talent. Encourage and channelize it, at the same time ensure that the child is exposed to other interests, other people and natures, learn how to manage inter-personal dynamics, fend for themselves, be sensitive and intelligent, inculcate right values. The list can go on forever.
Being a mother in India, I can easily say that I disagree with many of Amy Chua’s “Cannot do” list that she set for her children. Because above all, I want my child to be happy. Happy with what she does, happy with her choices, happy with her profession, her friends and her life. MY happiness, MY need for my child to be successful, MY need for my child to live up to MY expectations etc are all secondary to my child’s happiness.