In the time it's taken "Teen Mom 2" to return, you could have had your very own baby! It's been nine excruciating months, but the gals are finally back and ready to make us feel superior -- so in the words of Jenelle's mom Bahbrah, let's get this recap STAHTED! Oh and Kieffuh, if yuh reading this ... yuh friggin' worthless.
Jenelle First thing's first: Jenelle had twins ... inserted into her chest. (New boobies, same bad attitude.) Then, she showed them to us on the Internet! She also has an on-again, off-again fiance that she gets arrested with a lot. Pretend you don't know that.
Back from rehab, Jenelle's ready to turn her life around -- and at this point, she's tried that more times than there are "Now That's What I Call Music" compilations. (They're up to 43. I checked.) While popping a bottle of meds bigger than her son Jace, she laments the awkward situation that ensues when she goes to her probation officer and said officer watches her pee. Oh, Bahhbrahh explains, that's totally normal. They want to make sure, "You don't take somebody else's urine outta youhr pocket and puht it in da cup." Jenelle's face registers both "shock" and "oh, brilliant," and you know she's planning herself a big ol' pee pocket soaking pahty.
As part of her attempt to get back on track, Jenelle is enrolled in summer classes and has an interview to work at a daycare. Because, ya know, when you have to sign custody of your child over to your mom so you can smoke weed all day, you're obviously a perfect candidate to watch a bunch of stranger's children.
She tells the interviewer (who is pregnant, so I'll let her obvious mustache shadow go), that she is a "very organized person" -- a.k.a. capable of putting toys into bins. She also is good at staying even keeled -- she "never yells." If MTV wanted to be super cute here, they'd treat us to a nice mashup of Jenelle's endless werewolf cries, including the epic "LEAVE ME ALONNEEEEE" breakdown that reached decibels only dogs and Mariah Carey could hear. Lastly, babies "really get attached" to her, mostly because the resin from her bong gets stuck to their tiny little baby hands.
After her stressful interview, she hits the beach where her friend (who is either extremely high or just talks really slow), compliments Jenelle on how nice it is that the Bipolar mediation keeps her from being herself.
At home, Jenelle and her mom try to give Jace a bath, during which Jenelle does a nice amount of yelling and cursing. I hope that slightly hairy interviewer doesn't see this! That positive mom-daughter relationship is dissolving faster than you can say, "Why is Bahhbrahh talking so much about Jace peeing on the carpet, and should we maybe be a little concerned about that?" It's like someone flipped on the bitch switch, and Jenelle's lighting up like a Christmas tree. With the slam of a door, she's out of the house ... probably trying to find a well-hydrated person to relieve him or herself into an open pocket.
After the fight, Jenelle went out with her pal and "messed up pretty bad,"which, in Jenelle's case, could mean pretty much anything from smoking weed to physically abusing anyone who looked particularly frail. She admits she took three hits because her very supportive friend had it right in front of her and she wanted to. On probation and with a drug test next week, she may as well find a cute stripe-y baby outfit so Jace can match his mommy when he comes for prison family portraits.
Chelsea First thing's first: Chelsea does not do anything between seasons.
Chelsea's been super tired lately from her long, difficult shifts at the tanning salon and from trying to cover the massive zit on her forehead. She gets to her mom/babysitter's house after Aubree's asleep, so there's no time to coo at her like she's an unintelligent animal rather than a mini-human. Her goal is to get her GED (she's already passed one test) so she can go to beauty school or be a receptionist at a salon ... really, she'll do anything to get within 10 feet of that awesome burnt hair smell.
Her mom (who I'd like to point out is embracing nature/clinging to her faded youth with a feather-and-bead hair situation) asks about the latest with that gem of a former-boyfriend Adam. Her response is the typical "baby steps" thing that delusional girls feed you before they go upstairs and decoupage a dream board while lightly sobbing into a t-shirt that smells faintly of their ex.
With reading, social studies, science and math tests left before she can get that dang GED, Chelsea's life revolves around studying and waiting by the door for Adam to eat lunch with her and Aubree from time to time. On a study break, she tells her friend that she still "sees the future with Adam in it -- but with him like, good. We might as well get along, we're not dating anyone else ..." Yeah, maybe YOU'RE not dating anyone else Chels, but have you SEEN Adam? He has between five and six luxurious chin hairs that drive the ladies totally mad. There's no way boyfriend isn't getting it in on the reg.
Though everyone in the known universe has told Chelsea to avoid him, she's still "open" to Adam. Now I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's how she got a baby in the first place ... Anyway, when he comes to pick his little family up for dinner, he's got on his best blue bandana -- and in some gangs, that's a sign that a father is ready to stop emotionally abusing his ex-girlfriend and help with their child.
Aubree's not impressed by the restaurant they've selected, but can you blame her? It appears she's got a single red crayon to color with, and when has that ever been fun? Like any normal girl who anticipates a fine meal, she makes her displeasure known by screaming like a psycho hellbeast. Chelsea gets extremely frustrated, and then pigs fly on by as Adam actually suggests something smart: Why not just order Chinese and eat at home where Aubree has a better selection of colors to ingest?
Aubree's all about that plan, chilling out the second after she stuffs an entire egg roll into her face. (Hey, we've all been there.) Chelsea decides to use the nice, relaxed moment as a perfect time to basically remind Adam that this afternoon has been MSG-laced proof that they are definitely getting back together. "What are we now? What do you think?" she says. "We're not doing anything with anyone else?" she asks with big, hopeful mascara-coated eyes.
"Mmmmmmhmm", Adam replies, which Chelsea translates as "exactly, I actually am repulsed by the sight of all females except for you and our perfect, definitely conceived-on-purpose child." Adam probably meant "mmmhmmmm" plus, "I like rice, rice is in my mouth."
Kailyn: First thing's first: Kailyn's reportedly married to 20-year-old fiance Javi. Pretend you don't know that.
Kailyn always does an impressive job of juggling work, school and kid -- but she's totally thrown off when Isaac gets a bad 45-day evaluation from his daycare. Apparently he "doesn't talk much, and he's not a social baby." Seriously? The kid's like, two years old or something. Do they expect him to be doing slam poetry before nap time? Either way, Kailyn's upset -- and not having her mom or Jordan to vent to makes everything even worse. She's really an island alone in the storm ... but thank God she has an endless supply of random, often extremely large friends who are always ready to meet in a playground and say "yeah" a lot.
In between not trying Proactive and avoiding anything with the word "shampoo" on the label, Kailyn has been busy brooding over Jo's reported new girlfriend. Apparently she's the star of his just-released rap video, so you can only imagine what a fine piece of ass she must be. Kailyn and Large Friend No. 1 decide to watch the video -- and oh lord, is it amazing.
Jo's walking down the aisle of a bodega, thinking about all the canned goods he can purchase since he's so famous. The shopkeeper -- alleged new girlfriend! -- turns around in all her glorious, Forever 21-clad sexiness. He looks her up and down, and the next minute they are getting intimate, then running very slowly through a field that may or may not also be his backyard. Duh, everyone knows 2-for-1 coupons are the ultimate aphrodesiac. Kailyn can barely watch the "hoodrat" and promptly turns it off. Her name is V,'and I can pretty much guarantee you that doesn't stand for "virgin." Her sultry stare in aisle six tells me she swiped that card way before Jo handed her his debit= - and asked for cash back 'cause he's a BAAAALLLLEERRR.
Kailyn is understandably, not a fan of strange women around her son - especially when that son hasn't been fed at 11 .a.m. after a sleepover 'cause dad's too busy cookin' a love potion upstairs. (Blech, just hot snacked in my mouth.) "She's sleeping in the same bed that I laid in when I was pregnant," Kailyn says with a mix of revulsion and pain.
Finally, she asks Jo over to discuss. "She knows we have a kid together and that occasionally we hang out," he replies. Then Kailyn slyly asks if he's found time to mention that they still HAVE THE SEX also? Yeahhh, he hasn't found the perfect moment to mention that unimportant tidbit to V yet. Maybe she won't mind that he's boning his baby momma on the side -- in fact, she probably expects that a stud and internationally unknown rapper like Jo couldn't be satisfied by one mortal woman alone.
He admits he thinks it was a mistake to hook up with Kailyn, and since she's hurt, she throws back the only amo she has: their child. "I don't want this girl around my son. There's no reason for her to be playing mom." Though Jo says she's barely around their baby, Kailyn dissolves into tears. Obviously she still isn't over Jo's piranha face and yearns for the days when his oversize t-shirts and wide-brim hats were strewn across her floor after a passionate night of not using contraceptives.
Leah First thing's first: Girlfriend is actually "Teen Mom 3" in real life -- she's knocked up again and remarried. Pretend you don't know that.
Because she's essentially a single mom, Monday through Friday, Leah had to quit her job to focus on her twins. Since Ali's heading back to Shriners Children's Hospital, Leah will likely need to see Corey, who's apparently getting more involved at the suggestion of his lawyer. Though she seems frustrated, that quickly turns into abject sadness. "I can't even sleep at night. I didn't marry him for nothing," she says, tearing up. Though the divorce is still extremely raw and Corey refuses to try counseling again, the issues with Ali are even more pressing -- and a visit from the physical therapist is admittedly hard to watch. While her sister gets around on her own, little Ali still can't stand up.
Leah's hospital reunion with Corey is like awkward, coated in miserable, and it's not made any easier by Corey's unsettling habit of staring at Leah like he's trying to kill her with his droopy ol' eyes. Luckily, the nurse has great news -- Ali is developing at her own rate, and her ability to sit means she'll likely walk. The frustrating news is that nothing can speed up that process. Outside and optimistic, Leah opens up to Corey, the famously vocal orator with a knack for finding the perfect words like "uh," "armph" and "thin' she's taayrrd."
Leah's obviously not getting anywhere with him in person or over texts. Her noticeable weight loss is proof that her body feels the struggle of the split -- and as she drives away, her weary face means her heart and head have caught up, too.
'Teen Mom 2' airs on MTV on Mondays at 10 p.m. ET
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