THE BLOG
03/12/2013 04:02 am ET Updated May 11, 2013

'Teen Mom 2' Recap: Very Big Changes ... And Boobs!

Chelsea
Since Chelsea's finally shed her uterine lining, she's also lost her inhibitions. Now that she's a woman (again), she feels ready to bring her mother into the red tent of her soul. In other words: She tells her mom that she banged Adam and thought she was knocked up. "When Aubree went to bed, WE went to bed," she says with a jolly 'ol laugh. "Well, uh, let's just get on things that don't have a 'Whoops!'" is her mom's reply -- to which I say, shouldn't Chelsea just not GET ON anything?

Of course her mom is referring to birth control, which I didn't realize Chelsea hadn't started again. I thought for sure all her new chins were a pesky side-effect, but then again there's lots of ways to gain weight.

At Chelsea's gyno, she slips into the first and only pink gown/headband combo I've ever seen. I really wouldn't be surprised if she quickly hot glue-gunned some leopard print to the stirrups. The doctor asks her a hilarious question: "Are you in a relationship with someone?" HAHAHAHA! Doctor, do you see the creature sitting in front of you? She's matched her accessories to her sterile outfit -- does she look like someone juggling a busy, fulfilling love life? True fact: If someone doesn't realize that their eyeshadow is touching their eyebrows, they are single, drunk, or both.

Chelsea reminds the gyno at every possible moment that, oops, her birth control fell out, because hey, did she mention she had sex very recently? Yep, that's me, Chels, just having a lot of sex with someone who cares allll the time. In the end, she chooses to go back on an IUD. She claims it's because there are no side-effects, but I know she was sold on the ol' "effective 97% of the time." That's a 3% chance that she could "accidentally" get pregnant if Adam ever comes anywhere near her, which would be SO GREAT very bad. VERY bad.

At Black Hills Booty School, Chelsea learns very big lessons like how to pronounce "camomile." Afterward, Chelsea fills her friend in on her vaguation. (Vagina + situation = I made that up.) She truly goes into every conversation thinking that the person she's talking to is dying to know what (or who) is currently in her whoowhoodilly.

Out of nowhere, Chelsea gets a text that makes her yell "SHUUUTUP!" The owner of her home wants to move back in a month, and there's nothing Chelsea can do. She's got to move out, stat.

Because her version of dealing rationally with a situation is calling her dad and screaming, Chelsea does just that. "I'll start looking online," Randy says desperately while Chelsea helps by standing around and threatening to cry. "Can nothing ever go smoothly?" Chelsea shouts as she climbs into her massive car. Poor little Aubree reminds her to "stop crying" on a loop, proving that being tiny doesn't mean being oblivious. She can sense her mom's pain from her car seat, and that's not good for either one of them. (Though to be honest, Aubree doesn't seem THAT genuine.)

Jenelle
"I'm really happy that Kieffer is back in my life," Jenelle says as she pulls out the biggest bong in the history of 'Teen Mom' I and II. Now that she's off probation, she still can't really do that because it is ILLEGAL, but rules were meant to be broken while wearing the world's most heinous cheetah zip-up from the Victoria's Secret Is She a Drug Addict line.

Afterward, Jenelle and Kieffer play "being high on the couch and taking selfies while trying to look out of the tiniest eyes ever." Somewhere during the walk from the bedroom to the living room Kieffer has picked up a Southern accent, and it makes him sound extra intelligent when he says things like "I went to prison, I changed a lot." Oh, I must have missed the note at the beginning of the episode where we're informed that Kieffer didn't go to jail from drugs, so doing a whole bunch with the cameras on isn't a dime bag full of the purest hypocrisy.

"Howdoyouthinnnthingsarediffrannt?" Kieffer slurs while struggling to hold his head up. "I went to rehab, school, staying out of trouble since I was on probation, passing drug test ..." is Jenelle's mind-blowing reply. Looks like all those accomplishments literally just went up in smoke.

Since Jenelle's not really going to school, she has a lot of time to inexplicably "sell advertising online." She can also think about what's truly missing from her life. You know, the two biggest, most important things she hasn't seen enough of ... her boobs! She's feeling really insecure, and even her whitest eyeshadow and darkest eyeliner isn't helping. "I think it affects my relationship with guys," she says even though we haven't seen her single, well, ever. When she's on the beach, she feels she looks like a pre-teen, and of all the bad things in her life -- like not having custody of her child, being addicted to a whole host of drugs, not having a degree -- that's just like, the absolute super worst! Jokes aside, I should note that I fully support plastic surgery. If you're reading this, Dr. Gold, hi! Thanks for my nose!

Though she's been too busy to see her son, Jenelle's had a lot of time to call up plastic surgeons. Kieffer's been busy too, thinkin' things. He's decided to make hand-carved wooden tobacco pipes out of "exotic wood," which is funny because it sounds sexual but isn't, unless you're into splinters.

"A 12-year-old has bigger boobs than me," Jenelle laments while eating an ice cream cone like a kid. "You've got bigger boobs than a 12-year-old," Kieffer says. Spoken like a true child molester! Then he goes on a rant about loving her body that fluctuates between disgusting and kinda sweet. For all his endless faults, he does pump up Jenelle -- and though a boost of self-esteem won't get her to a B cup, it does wonders for her deflated ego.

Before scheduling her surgery, Jenelle needs to talk to the Bank of Bahhbrahh. "I dunthink thissisa good idea," Bahhbrahh slurs. "It's very, uh, RADICAL surgery" she says, like Garth and Wayne would stuff the saline in themselves. "You got tha cutest shape!" Jenelle completely ignores her, noting that she'd need six weeks to heal ... which would probably keep her from Jace. Someday Jace will see these episodes, ask permission to call Jenelle collect, and say "hey mom, remember when you picked your rack over me?"

Leah
Leah probably didn't give much thought to what Jeremy would do after he got his stuff -- buuuut she should have! Ex-fiance #2 hops in his car and dials up ex-fiance #1, requesting a secret ex-fiance meeting. Hi, we're Jeremy and Corey, and we're Leah-holics.

Jeremy immediately comes in and makes himself comfortable on Corey's couch. Jeremy doesn't seem angry at Corey, nor is he bitter. He's just hurt and confused -- and in the weirdest twist ever, Corey basically tells Jeremy that counseling may not work, and Jeremy says he doesn't want to pick up the pieces of that broken relationship in six months. Then, Corey tells Jeremy that Leah "ain't gonna find nobody better than you for the kids" ... and he seems to genuinely believe it.

Nobody in this room wants to see Leah get hurt ... even though she's dragged them both through the mud. Seriously, she's got them dickmatized. Note, however, that I've given you the super abridged version of this convo. The real one was longer and had a lot more grunts. "Uhhh, to be honest, hehhh, uhhm, they could have unhhh decided to each take a [massage face] [massage face]baby and mmmhhhmmmm huh marry each (confusion, eyebrows eyebrows) other for all we know. Huh. Huh. Huh."

Later, Jeremy tells Leah about the conversation -- including Corey's hesitance.

When a visibly nervous Leah (quit picking at your lips girl, it looks like a 'possum dragged 'em through the trash!) calls Corey to see if he's ready to "take the next step" and start counseling, she's not thrilled by his answer. "I don't know, I reckon," he says miserably, as if it hurts to reckon so hard. She was expecting a joyful "sure," but got the redneck equivalent for "holy crap I made a huge mistake and also have you seen my dip?" instead. It's hard to feel anywhere near OK about ditching your loving, committed fiance when the dude you left him for is still so insanely unsure. Looks like Leah's stuck between a dumb as rocks guy and a hard place.

As Leah begins to rant, Corey quickly cuts her off. He explains that Jeremy's visit left him more confused than he normally is during waking hours. For this first time potentially ever, Corey really does have an insightful point. Leah's all talk, and we've heard her emotional outbursts over and over. At this point, she should just record "I love you, we're a family" on her iPhone and play it whenever a dude gets within 5 feet of her womb.

She's got a pretty obvious pattern, and Corey's aware that he's not breaking the cycle -- he's just the latest part of it. Regardless of their past, she's jumping quickly into a relationship yet again ... and being the currentchosen one is little comfort. Girlfriend changes her mind more than she changes diapers -- and she's got twins who are eating in like, every scene.

Still, this time she's offering him more than her usual tangle of sobbed-out words. Therapy is a tangible step toward fixing a relationship, and it's a move she never offered Jeremy. Perhaps in his heart, Corey knows that even Freud can't fix this sinking ship. Or, in a more probable scenario, someone told him that therapy involves talking and feeling things, and that's like Corey's version of hell.

After Leah reams him out ("some other guy is fighting for your family!"), Corey either dies or drops the phone into an aquarium. The line goes silent and Leah gives up.

Next, MTV tries to make it look like Leah goes from her house to a smoothie place in the same day, even though her hair is about 400 shades lighter. (To any dudes reading: That takes a real long time, especially when you get it done out in a wood shed, which is how I picture Leah's salon. And life, in general.)

She admits that -- surprise surprise -- breaking things off with Jeremy was a mistake. OK lady, let's call a spade a spade: It's not like you suddenly realized you made a mistake because Jeremy is sooo fabulous. Corey's let you down yet again, so Jeremy looks good by default. Leah's either the least intuitive person in the world, or she's got a masters in being delusional.

Each time Jeremy calls or texts to see how she's doing, Leah feels the wound of her mistake deepen. During the next episode of "Talkin' Between 2 Carz With Leah and Corey," Leah chomps gum and questions Corey's devotion. "I'm gonna call it quits for you since you're not serious," Leah squeaks. "Jeremy fought for your family more than you fought," she says. Suddenly, she's back on Team Jeremy ... and Corey knows he's out. In fact, he straight-up commends Leah on her decision, reminding her that Jeremy is a catch. He doesn't attempt to stop her or win her back. He hasn't made a shred of effort, and now he's lost her forever. Still, it's a fate he chose for himself -- and you can't say Leah didn't give him every opportunity to make it work. As she climbs in the car, she snatches up her cell phone. I assume she's texting Jeremy to say "tag ... you're it!"

Kailyn
Everything with Javi, AKA "Kailyn's Landscape Artist," is going well -- but drama with Jo always threatens to ruin their happiness. Jo informs Kailyn that he's moving to New Jersey to be closer to his job ... and that goes over about as well as you can expect. Kailyn lets him know that she won't be driving out of her way for baby drop off, and she asks if his girlfriend will live with him through gritted teeth. He says no, but since Vee lives two blocks away from his new bachelor pad, she doesn't really have to. Still, when Vee shyly asks about cohabitation, Jo shoots her down way hard. Disappointment floods her face ... or maybe that's just a shadow from her massive Chicago Bulls hat.

Since moving to New Jersey, Jo has already missed one visitation with Isaac. He's probably incredibly busy wondering what that smell is, or why everyone looks like the inside of Jenelle's car. As Kailyn deals with Isaac and his fever, she tells her friend about Jo's Twitter ("out with my boys and girlfriend" when he should be with his kid). Her temperature goes through the roof. Now that Isaac isn't close by and he has to make a bonus effort, he's letting daddy-hood fall through the cracks. Jo's like a big, dumb dog: He just cares about what's in front of him, and only gets territorial when someone tugs on the other end of his rope.

Eventually, it's time to go back to court -- and though Kailyn's got a good shot at "winning," she's beyond nervous. Sweet Javi rubs her head and tells her "fourth time's a charm," but she barely cracks a smile. Get back out to the lawn, Javi.

After their mediation, Kailyn's more frustrated than ever. Nothing was resolved, and no changes were made. "It was pointless," Jo tells his girlfriend. The only options now are a trial or a co-parenting class. Well, that or Jo just gives in and promises that he won't let Venomous Vee around their child.

Well, that was Kailyn with the world's most depressing story line yet again. Thanks for nothing, Kailyn.

"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.

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