Note: This is the second episode from 4/1's double feature. Read the recap for the first episode here.
Gary seems to think that one week of engagement is the "wood" anniversary, 'cause he kicked in Jenelle's front door like a total psycho. As Jenelle surveys the upsetting scene, she tells the story of their fight with a strange smirk. She's so desensitized to anger that she laughs as she explains how his freak-out sprang from a bedtime tiff. "Please promise me you'll wait a year until you get married," her exasperated friend with the world's worst underground zit says. "Go like, a month without breaking up." Jenelle agrees, noting that the "only thing wrong with the relationship is that Gary has the worst anger problem." Oh, well as long as that's the "only" problem.
Her friend knows that reasoning with Jenelle is a waste of breath, so she gives up. I don't blame her, but poor Jenelle is obviously suffering from some sort of battered person syndrome, and I wish she'd seek therapy. Until she truly believes that she's worth better than this treatment, she'll always accept it.
Fearing her fiance will hurt her, Jenelle has fled to her mother's house. A private investigator came by to get her statement, but she wanted to reach out to her lawyer, Dustin, first. The PI said that since Gary choked Jenelle, there's enough evidence to get him arrested. Her lawyer doesn't want her speaking to anyone at the police house since she was also charged in the event. (More about that later.)
Though Jenelle has a lot of work to do for her "Internet job" (your guess is as good as mine), she's having trouble concentrating. Depression has clouded her already shoddy judgement, and she decides to call ... Kieffer. "I was wondering if you still live around here," she says in a strange, breathy voice. No! Jenelle! Stop being so damn predictable. She tells Kieffer that Gary ended up "beating and strangling" her, and when the police came, Gary handed the police all Jenelle's drug paraphernalia as a form of immediate revenge. "I just need a friend to talk to," she says quietly.
Like a creature who senses its prey is weak, Kieffer comes over. Jenelle starts to cry, but Kieffer isn't feeling particularly empathetic. "You shouldn't make the same mistake again," he says, citing how often she goes back to people who hurt her. "You can definitely find somebody better than Gary ... or me," he says sadly. He looks truly shaken up, and for the first time ever, I feel bad about assuming the worst. Kieffer, in this moment, doesn't seem to have an ulterior motive. Please, Kieffer, don't make me look ridiculously wrong next week.
Still, the fact that Jenelle's go-to person is someone who treated her only slightly less awfully than the person currently treating her terribly is just ... well, terrible.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas .. except when "what happens" is a legally binding commitment. Though Kailyn was opposed to a quickie wedding at first, the idea of tying the knot in front of complete strangers who may also be prostitutes is growing on her.
To prepare, Kailyn goes to the nail salon for a very
tacky fancy manicure from friend Gigi. She definitely gets the look she wants ... with a side of harsh advice for free. "Anyone who gets married in Vegas is a joke," Gigi says sagely. "I think you're rushing into it." Gigi is also worried that Kailyn's signing up for a life of constant moving that will hurt her school work and cause problems with Jo. "I want to be in the wedding that you really, really want," Gigi says kindly. I like this girl so much that I can totally skip all the cruel things I was going to say about her skin.
Oh, did I mention that Isaac is heading to Vegas, too? I actually heard through the grapevine that he's blacklisted from a few casinos for counting bottles. It's so hard to break toddlers of bad habits.
Once in Vegas, they meet up with Kailyn's buddy Toni, whose husband is also in the air force.
Because the strip is overflowing with glittering restaurant options, they hit up an omelet place so they won't feel out of their element. Being on vacation doesn't mean they should treat themselves, you know.
After some fun in the sun, Kailyn and Javi head over to the famous Little White Chapel, where love goes to die or get annulled. According to my in-depth research (ahem, a Wikipedia search), over 800,000 couples have been married there, and at least 2 are still together. Kailyn seems impressed that Britney Spears wed right where she's sitting -- but nobody mentions that it lasted a mere 55 hours. Perhaps it is a day to focus solely on love.
Owner Charlotte seems to be on an interesting combination of uppers and downers, and the effect is frightening. Her black coat and gaunt face combine to create a grim wedding reaper look, like she rose from the dead just to help sell Kaily and Javi on a simple $55 ceremony.
Though their undead planner says she can have them legal in an hour, Kailyn's not ready to put a ring on it. They decide to take some time to think in a place with a little less drunk history. They eventually decide that their day is too special to rush -- and with that weight lifted, they can focus on enjoying their trip to America's most awful city.
Adam's mysterious text and strange legal paperwork have Chelsea beyond spooked. She thinks his sole motive is hurting her, as he obviously doesn't have a real interest in his child. Poor Chelsea can't think straight, and little Aubree doesn't seem pleased either. (Granted she's currently stuffed into swimmies and a fish floaty and is laying in a pool that's about 2 inches bigger than her body.) "I have nothing to worry about," Chelsea says aloud, testing out some words she desperately wants to believe.
The next time we see Chelsea, she's leaving her lawyer's office. She's all business up top in a blazer, all unaware of her legs in short shorts below. It's like she assumed since she'd be on the other side of a desk, she could quit trying at her waist.
Afterward, she and fab dad Randy hit up the pancake house to drown their sorrows in syrup. Chelsea explains that the paper Adam put in her mailbox means nothing, and that he'd have to file a motion if he was serious about a change to custody. Chelsea has no desire to go to court, and admits that she'd rather deal with Adam's strange whims than risk a legal battle that could keep her from Aubree. The plan is to pretend the letter never existed.
Chelesa skips school the next day because she woke up late -- but a day off from school doesn't mean a day off from the hell that is her life. Adam (or A-D-A-M as she says around Aubree) texts her, asking if he can see "Bree" the following Saturday. Chelsea's impressed that he's thinking ahead, and she rewards him by saying OK. Remember, they have no custody agreement, and he once said he wished "Bree" was aborted ... so Chelsea really is doing this for the good of her child.
I admire her, and will refrain from noting that she's one 20-minute bronzing session away from liquefying into a pool of tanning lotion, like Alex Mack's Jersey alter ego, A-Lexxx Macks So Hard. She decides that she won't follow up with Adam -- so if he truly wants to see his little girl, he'll have to remember on his own.
Adam ends up picking up Aubree ... and true to her promise, Aubree's being as awful as possible. (In the first half of this double-episode, Chelsea idiotically told Aubree to try and cause a stir when she was with her dad and his gal pal.) Aubree screams, she kicks, she cries until she turns a scary shade of red. To Adam's credit, he stays very calm as she freaks out, and doesn't force her to stay in a situation that's making her miserable. They hop in the truck to get her out of the heat, hoping a nap will calm her down.
When he drops Aubree off the next day, he asks Chelsea if she got the note in her mailbox, and if she plans to sign it. She says she hadn't really thought about it, and he leaves without pushing ... probably because he knows it didn't mean much of anything, and can't be used against her.
Oh, I also just realized that at some point this episode, Chelsea's hair has gone all dark, just like Adam's soul. Color so multi-depressing, it doesn't shine!
Now that Leah and Jeremy are hitched, they can finally move into their love nest. Realtor Mark makes a big show of giving them the least adult-looking key ever, but what's a little condescension among homeowners? There's just one problem: Money. Since the new place cost them a pretty penny and the twins get more expensive as they grow, Leah's thinking of asking Corey for more child support. Right now, he pays $500.
It doesn't seem fair to make him pay for her more pricey lifestyle, but I can see the second half of that argument. Let's be honest: Babies are just little needy balls of want. It can't be cheap to cater to their every selfish whim, like hunger and the desire for dolls.
"I heard that you got a raise or whatever, and I was wanting for us to modify the child support, just you or I without having to go through any legal person" Leah drawls on the phone. Nothing says "congrats!" like making someone regret their big accomplishment.
Corey quickly (and pretty graciously) says he'll check his finances, and that he'd only move forward if they had something in writing. Leah, apparently hoping to get her way immediately, isn't impressed. She's come off like a bratty child before, but in this moment she's one eye roll away from climbing into a crib. "I feel bad," she says half-hardheartedly to her friend, "but I need help." Here's one humble writer's suggestion: Maybe cut back on your awful accessory and white trash acrylic nails budget? That should save you upwards of $50 a week, not to mention your dignity.
When Leah meets Corey for baby swap, Corey says he'd happily fork over some more money when the babies need something specific, but he's not thrilled by the idea of increasing his check monthly. "Ya'll make triple what I do in a freaking month," Corey says angrily. Leah points out that it's what Jeremy makes, and Corey reminds her that they are married. Now, they're a team. Leah immediately knows her next move: Bring up the daddy issues. "But Jeremy's not their dad. You don't want him getting the dad name, do you?" It's a low blow, and Corey immediately goes on the offensive.
If Leah's looking to come to an easy, no-lawyer-involved agreement, hurting Corey's feelings is not the way to do it. She won't actually give him a number, and basically begs him to come up with it on his own. I interpret that to mean that she truly wants him to step up to the plate -- without her coaching, for once.
It's this inability to make decisions that drove Leah away in the first place, and she's so staunchly set on not getting tricked again that she's turning into a little attack dog. Honestly, she's annoying me so much that I'm going to have to throw out the cotton candy car air fresheners that I just realized we both have. Their sweetness has been tainted for me.
Back at home, where Corey's just a blue text bubble in her phone saying "I'm stressed and depressed," Leah's a little less demonic. She takes Corey up on his offer of another $100 a month. Corey and his dad are both pretty shocked that such a small amount settled their big argument ... and Corey won't believe it till he sees it on paper, which might be tough considering he never opens his eyes all the way.
When Leah reached out to her lawyer to get their child support agreement updated, the lawyer advised her that Corey should be paying a whole lot more. They agreed on $600 a month, but it should be around $1,200. Though Leah knows the children deserve more, she's afraid to rock Corey's boat, especially since he's not maliciously withholding money. But at the same time, she's acting like her lawyer's advice leaves her with no choice but to shake things up ... and I think she's just glad to have a scapegoat. Corey's about to be blindsided worse than a hog in a place where a hog would be blindsided.
At the mediation, Corey agrees to the $200 a month increase, and to pay half the girls' clothing costs -- but that doesn't mean he's happy about it. Leah's no longer a friend he can trust, and my heart breaks for how alone he is. Corey tells his dad that Leah "pretty much just screwed me without lube," and I couldn't have put it better myself.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.