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'Teen Mom 2' Recap: The One That Was Really Depressing

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Chelsea
It's finally Aubree's third birthday, and Chelsea's perpetuating socially accepted gender roles and female passivity by renting a big, bouncy princess castle! As Aubree takes in the sugary splendor of her awesome cake, she shouts "I WANT FIRE!" and officially becomes my favorite "Teen Mom 2" kid. After the cake's been cut, Chelsea serves her guests a big helping of her issues. She bitches about how miserable last year's stressful party was, and how hard it will be to return to hair school after her leave of absence. Her friends offer her helpful advice like "I'm going to stare at you blankly" and "watch how I can move my hand about as if I am Christina Aguilera before she became a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon of herself."

The birthday Adam throws Aubree is a surprise pool partay at a local Ramada. Like any crazy gal who ends up back at a cheap inn, Aubree throws on a one-shoulder bikini and makes the most of it. Only difference here is that when Dora's invited to the after-party, she comes in the form of a cute cake, and not a local Spanish prostitute. The festivities come to a somewhat underwhelming halt when Adam presents Aubree with a gift that he probably wants for himself: A tiny motorized bike. She's hesitant to get on it, but in all fairness, she may just be tuckered out from a day of low-class fun.

The next day, Aubree and a random bag full of clothes return home to mom. As Adam hugs Aubree goodbye, Chelsea looks pained. It's hard for her to see them interact so affectionately ... especially when Aubree knows the terrible things Adam once said about his baby girl. (Ahem, may I remind you of the infamous text in which he said he wished their infant child had been aborted?) After some awkward lingering, he finally leaves ... and Chelsea is free to prove that she doesn't care about him by discussing him incessantly.

Jenelle
BREAKING NEWS BEFORE WE START. I have found Kieffer's pipe website. If you liked the internet in 1995, then you will LOVE this page: http://www.pipesbykieff.com/

Since Gary admitted he assaulted Jenelle, the charges against her will likely be dropped -- but they are both returning to court for further investigation.

Actually, let me rephrase that. Gary is returning to court, and Jenelle is hobbling in on her Wet Seal big girl heels. I got a good look at them because she was wearing clam diggers, which may actually be a bigger offense than anything she's charged with.

Still, the kindhearted judge overlooks this fashion crime against humanity and gives her a clean slate. Gary, of course, isn't so lucky. He accepts a plea, cannot be anywhere near Jenelle, and is now on probation for two years.

Her victory in court is not the end of her troubles, though. Since she can't pay her rent, this weird thing happened where her landlord wants to evict her. "So yeah, he's evicting us over ONE month of rent," Kieffer complains as if he's helping pay. "We should rule out apartment complexes, 'cause they ain't gonna let me in there, 'cause I'm a felon," he says without a hint of sarcasm. Though Kieffer bitches and moans, Jenelle's pretty quiet. Since she's not putting up a huge fight, I assume she realizes that she won't win this war. She never outwardly takes responsibility for her actions, but her silence says it all. She may talk a big game, but she's nervous for Bahhbrahh and Jace to come over and hear the news.

Though Bahhbrahh may despise coming to Jenelle's house, she's dressing for success. She's rocking a loose dress with a deep-v, as if to prove that Jenelle's chesticular issues aren't hereditary. "It stinks in heah," she cries upon entering. "That's the trash," Jenelle says simply. God, what IS it with parents not understanding how hard it is to take rotting garbage out back?

Then, another rancid thing pops up: Kieffer. "You like my new saw?" he says, pointing to a red saw thing that's on the counter. Nothing says "ready for parenthood" like bringing a power tool to a play date.

Jenelle says she hasn't paid her rent yet, and Bahhbrahh explodes. "You have not changed, you are the SAAAAHHMEE as when you met him and you two were HOMELESS and got arrested. You two are the SAHHHME THING. Deja vu, SAAAME WAY! Can't even support yourself, how you gonna support ya kid?"

Jenelle tries to interject, but Bahhbrahh's on a roll. She reaches deep down into her fury reserve and screams "YOU DON'T WANT YOUR F***ING SON!" Jenelle's reply is, per usual, "you won't give me my kid!"

Then, she notes that Jace's room is all set up. Uh, yeah, all set up in the home you have not paid rent on. Hope that "Cars" bedding can keep him warm when it's set out on the front lawn.

"You've been buying kilos of weed," Bahhbrahh says in a weaker voice, struggling to regain the upper hand. Jenelle finds that hilarious, 'cause a kilo of weed costs like, a lot of money. She couldn't afford that in her highest dreams! Besides, since she's too broke to purchase any drugs, she's sober by default. It's an alternative kind of rehab, proven to work until the next MTV paycheck.

At this point, things take an incredibly brutal turn. "Why are you 60 years old and working in a deli?," Kieffer -- the guy who carves and sells wooden pipes online -- says cruelly. "You're a deli person that's gonna work at Walmart the rest of your life," Jenelle -- the girl who has an unspecified 'online job' and exploits her miserable life on a TV show -- adds, "I'm going to take my son and run away!"

Bahhbrahh doesn't even need to think of a snappy comeback for this: Kieffer and Jenelle's entire existence is the punch line. "Oh, wait until we say 'Jenelle lives with a convicted felon,'" she cries. Jenelle, with her breadth of legal knowledge, informs her mom that it "doesn't matter" and Kieffer notes that it is "not illegal" to have once done illegal things.

With that, Kieffer and Jenelle push Bahhbrahh and Jace out the door. Now, we've all heard of ungrateful kids, but Jenelle seriously takes the weed brownie. And you know what kills me? On the reunion show she'll fall back on some host of explanations, like: I was off my medication, I'm under a lot of stress, blah blah blah blah. Excuses are for the excuseless.

Working at a deli was (I assume) probably never Bahhbrahh's dream. Having a child who got pregnant as a teen and was found unfit to raise said baby isn't in there, either. Bahhbrahh isn't perfect, and I assume Jenelle's childhood wasn't either, but it's a real shame that they can't come together for little Jace. In the sandwich of life, he's been dealt some really crappy cold cuts ... most likely from Walmart.

Since the fight, Jenelle's been "pretty depressed," which means she's "partying a lot." In the car with Kieffer, they won't mention what they are trying to score, but it's obvious they're rolling on something. Back at home, the house is a disgusting mess and their hungry dog seems to be eating clothing. Whatever they're on is wearing off, and Jenelle's strung out. "I have no money, I'm so bored, I'm going out of my mind," she cries from under a comforter that I fear has never been washed. Kieffer says he has $70 and "pipes going tomorrow." He tries to look on the bright side: "There's food in the refrigerator, the dog's alive and Jace is fine. You want me to go get you pain pills or something? Or some dope?"

Jenelle decides it's time to be an independent woman and says that SHE will drive to score the drugs, but Kieffer leaves anyway. I guess if he had a heart it would sort of be in the right place, if you overlook how he's basically paving the road to what could be her early grave.

Kailyn
Though Kailyn and Javi's courthouse wedding is a week away, it's about the only date they can count on; Javi could ship off to basic training at any time, and Kailyn's in limbo until then. That means that at tomorrow's mandatory counseling meeting with Jo, it's finally time to come clean.

Before the confrontation, Kailyn tries to relax by melting a ton of Crayola onto a small canvas. One woman's crayon massacre is another gal's "afternoon crafting," I suppose. It's pretty hard to get all mellow Martha Stewart, though, when Javi comes home and announces that he doesn't "believe" in therapy. What the what? Kailyn's flabbergasted. "I have enough respect and control that I can watch what I say and what I do," Javi says smugly.

"OK, well, some people can't control what they do and say because there's something in their brain that doesn't let them do that," Kailyn spits back, obviously talking about her bipolar disorder. "For the first six months of our relationship you were fine," Javi says pointedly. "Then you just let it go." Kailyn's defense is basically that she lied about who she really was until she felt he was sufficiently trapped by love. It's a pretty nifty trick that I'm currently relying on. She asks him to just go away and let her be angry instead of fanning her flames, but he refuses. "This is retarded," he mumbles, obviously completely unaware of who he's dealing with.

It's one thing to disagree with your partner, but it's another to belittle her and tell her she's crazy. (NOT THAT I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE, THE WRITER LAUGHED NERVOUSLY.) If Kailyn's betrothed isn't her biggest champion, then who is? Perhaps the glint of her ring is blinding her from the truth about her fiance.

At the session, Kailyn and Jo come face to face for the first time in "forever." They have so much to say, but nobody knows where to start. Kailyn admits that the main conflict is Jo's girlfriend. "I really hate her," she says through hot tears. "I'm scared of her trying to take my place." Jo admits he understands her completely and feels the same way -- which is something we've never heard before. He also mentions that he misses the old days when they were still friendly co-parents who talked about living separately, but in the same place. Kailyn's eyebrows shoot up, and the therapist notices. She says it's something she'd consider, but Jo thinks they're just talking in hypotheticals. He reminds her that he could never be away from Isaac, and she looks like the cat who ate the canary who joined the air force.

Instead of talking with the mediator present, Kailyn makes the brilliant decision to confess her secret sins to Jo outside, on her own. "Are you pregnant? Are you moving?" he says, obviously freaking out. "Javi joined the military, and so we are talking about getting married," Kailyn says slowly. "So you're moving to a military base ... " Jo says, flabbergasted. "That sounds ridiculous. You haven't even been with him for a year." He's so shocked that he starts laughing and letting his eyebrows go all over the place. He says that if Kailyn moves, she will be the one only seeing Isaac 6 weeks a year. "Your lawyer is going to fight with my lawyer," he says calmly.

For someone who just learned that his ex-baby momma and child may go far, far away, he stays remarkably cool and collected ... and I think it's because he still completely underestimates Kailyn after all this time. For better or worse, she does what she sets her mind to: And if it's a fight Jo wants, it's a fight he's going to get.

Leah
There's no time for a honeymoon when yo' man works on the pipeline, so Leah's back to laundry and diaper world. It's for the best, since Ali has an appointment with the neuromuscular specialist.

Leah's worried, but she's letting that fear fuel her intense desire to see her baby walk. "It's OK, don't get discouraged!" she coaches as poor, determined Ali tries to take steps like her sissy, but falls instead. Ever the brave little one, she tries until she's too tired to stand, and it looks like she's really making progress. She hops on the cell phone with her daddy and tells him "I walked! I did really good!" In this moment, she's like every other young girl ever seeking recognition from a man. Today, walking ... tomorrow, reading anti-feminist literature and supporting Ann Coulter!

Since the big appointment is four hours away in Ohio, Leah, her mom and Corey make the trek the night before. Though they admittedly don't understand what the doctor can offer them, they know it's something they "never tried before." They will go to the ends of the earth (OK, or the midwest) to help Ali progress.

At the hospital, in walks Doctor Tsao, who needs subtitles just like Corey ... but in this case, it's because English truly is his second language. Corey has just never grasped it as his first. He suggests that they test Ali visually first, but notes that they may need to do a biopsy. It seems she has very low muscle tone and that he cannot induce a reflex when he taps her knee with a rubber hammer. Though he's warm and comforting, it all sounds very bleak.

It's all in a day's work for Dr. T, but Leah and Corey are flustered. "Have you seen this before?" Leah asks nervously. "Oh yes, this can be due to different kinds of neurological and neuromuscular conditions," the doc explains. "But we also must be very honest with you," he continues. Though they can test Ali and put her through Electromyograms and outpatient surgery, they may never have a name for what she's suffering from.

"I liked that doctor, he seemed like he cared," Corey says afterward. They're desperate to know what's going on, but Leah admits that a part of her wants to bury her two-toned head in the sand and pretend nothing's wrong. "Do I want to know my answers?," she asks her mom on the drive home. "I just fear for Ali's future."

When she finally gets the courage to call the hospital, she's told that the first test isn't enough to figure much out. Ali will definitely need to undergo the more invasive muscle biopsy, and that will mean another trip to Ohio, and another traumatizing experience for the whole family. As Leah chokes back sobs and tries to schedule the trip, she seems to really and truly lose it for the first time. Her tears are a bitter mix of fear, anger and frustration, and I feel so bad that I can't even make fun of her cry face. Sometimes, being a mother really is a mother ...

"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.

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