Jenelle
Jenelle's pretty sure that she's going to fail her drug test because, uh, she did drugs. And on top of THAT, her beloved car has broken down. I seriously hope she was able to pry her incredible Ed Hardy seat cover out of there, 'cause I think all of us viewers feel really close to it. Luckily, Bahhbrahh lent her some money to get a new ride -- and I'm happy to report that, in the next shot, Jenelle's nestled deep into a cushion of graphics that say, "Hey, I'm sexual and violent -- but I'm also mysterious and a little silly."
As she and her friend hit the open road, her phone rings. Oh it's Dustin, her lawyer who graduated first in his University of Phoenix class. He reminds her that she needs to be "extra careful" with everything because she's on probation. "What if they put me in jail right then and there?" she asks her friend. The reality of the situation has finally hit her -- and she knows Ed Hardy and his dragons can't save her now.
Back at home that night, Jenelle decides to tell Bahhbrahh that she smoked and will 100 percent fail her drug test. Bahhbrahh appears as disappointed as someone who permanently looks disappointed could look. "Why wouldja do sucha thing?" she asks. "I was under a lot of stress. I lost my boyfriend. I lost all my friends. Things aren't going the way I want it to," Jenelle replies. She's aware that she faces a maximum of 45 days in jail and can lose financial aid -- but she has a plan. There's a drink that "cleans out your system for two hours" and you get it from the tobacco shop. Bahhbraah looks bemused. Her new devil-may-care attitude matches her bra straps, which have freed themselves from under her shirt and are now showing flagrantly. Bahhbrahh's like, "Look at me, wohrld! I'm ovah this!"
When Jenelle finally drinks the detox the next day, she can barely keep it down. As she drives to meet the officer, she keeps covering her mouth and gagging violently -- but it gives us a little more time to appreciate this snazzy pink watch she's added to her cavalcade of jewelry. And you thought her hair feathers were the best part! When she returns to the car an hour later, she's hysterically crying.
Her phone rings as she's speeding home, and of course, it's her mom -- let's be honest, nobody else actually likes her enough to check in. She says she failed and Bahhbrahh tells her, "This is really bahd, Jenelle." (Quick public service announcement, kids: Don't ugly cry and drive. It's very dangerous.)
She throws on her best Michael Jackson-esque white button-up top (Black bra sticking out, obvi. How else will people know you're wearing a bra?) and heads to her lawyer. It's actually the nicest she's ever looked on the show. Her lawyer explains what she already knows: She's facing 45 days in jail. The probation officer would like to give her a second chance, but Jenelle says she's not ready for it, since that would mean nine more months without smoking the weed. Let me say that again: She's picking jail over giving up marijuana. "I'm sick of being on probation. I just want my freedom back," she says inexplicably. "Everything is falling apart!"
Afterward, she heads to the park to meet her mom and Jace. When she gets there, she refuses to get out of the car. She rolls her window down a crack so Bahhbrahh can stick her head in. Basically, Jenelle explains, she is very sad and lonely and relies heavily on weed. Well, she actually says, "I have to smoke to get rid of the feelings that I'm feeling so I don't feel like it for hours." But that doesn't make any freaking sense. Bahhbrahh asks if she's learned any coping skills from rehab, and she apparently hasn't because she drives away like a mad woman, sobbing. Poor Bahhbrahh. She's stuck alone at the pahhk in a purple sweatsuit. Nobody deserves that.
Kailyn
Kailyn's having a tough time handling how hard Jo played her, so she calls her pal Kim to come over and perk her up. "He literally doubled!" the too-large-to-comment-on-someone-else-being-large pal says when they wake Isaac out of his little baby slumber. "He's so big!" Since Kim has been away at school, Kailyn fills her in on life as a tormented teen mom. "I cheated on Jordan with Jo and I broke up with Jordan, and now Jo has a girlfriend ... well, really they just have sex ... and I feel really awful that Jordan's on the back burner." Because she's every girl ever, she has decided to take the summer to "see how she feels." Kinda large friend Kim nods seriously. She thinks it is a very good idea. It's like, definitely what Katy Perry would do.
As poor Kailyn wallows in basically being ignored by everyone she loves, we're treated to a court-side seat at Jo's fancy Italian lunch in plastic chairs with Vee. (Apologies for spelling that wrong last week. I tend to mess names up when they aren't real names.) I'm pretty sure she's drawn her beauty mark on and her cap has been surgically implanted at a jaunty angle into her flippy hair. All in all, it's an interesting look. I never actually considered wearing every possible accessory from Express at the same time, but that's probably because I'm not as creative as Vee. I mean, did you see her work it in the canned goods aisle in Jo's rap video?
They have a really deep convo that I'd like to share with you.
Jo: "I don't wanna mix in my baby momma drama with you."
Vee: Prom-prom.
Jo: Promise.
Then they pinky swear. No words, just hooked fingers.
Back at Kailyn's hovel, she decides to torture herself by calling her mom for a second time, and getting blocked for a second time. It's very sad. Her random man friend sums it up eloquently: "You're feeling lonely without anyone in your life." Yes, large man friend -- that is sort of the definition of lonely, but thanks for making it sound even more pathetic. He asks how Jordan is, and Kailyn admits they rarely talk. "When he left, he LEFT," she explains.
She decides to call him ... and when he finally answers, she launches into the mom saga. Somehow, within seconds, she has HIM apologizing to her. She's dropping L bombs and talking about getting back together and he's like, "Woah, woah, we should maybe see each other, but you can tell that he's already psyched out of his face. Gosh, don't you wish your ex would call you and say, 'Hey, I literally have nobody else ever and I'm reminded that you may still like me -- should we give this a whirl?" It's so sweet and genuine!
As Kailyn pulls into the designated meeting space (it's always a park when you're a teen), beefed-up Jordan waves at her as happily as can be. He's basically like a human Golden Retriever ... you can totally ignore him for a while, but when you hold up that leash and shout, "Walk! Walk!" all is totally forgiven. Kailyn plops Isaac down and tells him not to go too far. He toddles away toward the gravel parking lot, which seems safe.
I assumed she'd launch into a litany of apologies -- there was the whole cheating/dumping/ignoring Jordan thing -- but instead, she wants to talk about her estranged mom. They haven't spoken in six months, and Jordan used to be her go-to therapist back in the day. "I feel you've done a phenomenal job so far without her," he says sweetly. "At least now we're kind of like in the same book, if not on the same page. At least we're on the same chapter." And then, because there's no other way to describe the square thing with words in it, he moves on. "I do love you, Kail. And I love the little guy. Hopefully we can move forward and make things work if it's what you want, 'cause it's what I want."
In reply, she smiles and pretends to elbow him in the head while he pantomimes punching her in the face. I think that means they want to try and get back togeth -- oh wait, they are kissing. Yep, definitely back together. What a sly dog you are, Jordan! Sit! Stay! Take Advantage of Someone Who Is Feeling Very Alone! She looks super happy for someone who is obviously settling with her distant second choice.
Chelsea
Things at the tanning salon (Year 'Round Brown) haven't been going well for Chelsea since she got in a fight with her manager. She was called "irresponsible" because she was missing work. Can you believe that? Luckily, she's back with Adam, so she has a reason to live briefly before the next time he crushes her and makes her want to die. It's the night before her birthday, so he pops by to give her a present. It's a ring. It's a promise that he's not going anywhere -- and as he gives it to her, I can't help but feel sorry for whatever elderly woman he undoubtedly killed before prying it off her cold, dead fingers.
Later, Chelsea goes to meet her extremely tan pal and they squeal over the new bling. She admits she hasn't told her dad, who would understandably "freak" when he hears that his daughter is back with the scum of the earth. Oh silly dad, always having such rational and legit thoughts. You are such a buzzkill!
At her mom's house on her birthday, she decides to flaunt her ring. Unlike most promise rings which happy couples use to mark a pre-engagement, this one means that he's "not going to leave me again like every other time. It's like serious. He's not gonna cheat." Just gonna go out on a limb here, but doesn't all that intense amount of promising at least deserve a necklace? Or maybe like, a whole new boyfriend? Since you can't disappoint a mom more than dating someone like Adam, she leads with that ... and then mentions that she's quit her job. In comparison, it's actually the least disturbing change in her life.
In the next scene, it is somehow still Chelsea's birthday, and I'm starting to doubt the timeline on this show. For the sake of argument, just assume it is always her birthday unless I distinctly say otherwise. Since it is her birthday, friend Erica comes over to check out/be horrified by her ring. Then, shirtless Adam (?!) drives up on a four-wheeler. I guess he's watching the kid while Chelsea goes to celebrate her 500th birthday. She begs Adam to "come home tonight" and then heads out. Apparently that's an extra bonus level that a promise ring doesn't cover. Hell, you probably have to be married to get that.
Her next birthday party will be at her dad's house, and she's very nervous that he'll notice the ring she's wearing. To deflect focus, she mentions the whole no job/no GED thing -- and then because she's cutting meat like a monster and flailing her hands around, he sees the little speck. "Adam got me this for my birthday. We're gonna work through sh*t and no cheating," she says nervously, as if she's trying to convince herself as well. Her dad tells it like it is: "So far this is a pretty good birthday. You're back with Adam and you quit your job. Anything else?" God, I love that man. He's a dentist by trade, but a sage through and through.
Leah
It's just a normal day in Leah's trailer: The teething babies gnawing on her arms like tiny twin cannibals; her poor eyes fighting to stay open under 500 lbs. of mascara; her lawyer emailing about the next settlement meeting. She calls her mom because "litigation" has more than two syllables. Her mom explains that she and Corey will go into mediation to come to an agreement on the kids, and if all goes well, there won't be a custody battle.
Now that she's figured that out, it's time to confide in her roomie. She rarely sees her anymore because she has a boyfriend and, for some reason, enjoys being with him instead of living with people who still poop their pants. As Leah explains what's going on, she admits that she never wanted a divorce, nor did she expect a planned meeting to discuss support payments.
Next time we see her, she's preparing for the actual meeting -- and is anyone else noticing that her hair is getting lighter and lighter in each scene? At some point is she just going to take White Out to it? Two hours later, it's all over, and Leah and Corey emerge with a plan: Corey gets the girls for three weekends a month and Leah gets 'em the rest of the time. They go back and forth trading jabs about who caused the divorce and Corey finally says, "Are you happier now in your little trailer, or would you rather have a house with the four of us in it? It coulda been alright. Tell me how many times you went back to Robbie when you was with me?" Leah turns bright red and says she doesn't want to talk about it. Busted, girlfriend. Busted.
Later, Leah has heard a rumor that shocks her to the core: Corey's allegedly seeing other women. How could he do that to the wonderful ex-wife who cheated on him right before the Lord joined them in holy extremely rushed matrimony? For goodness sake, she carried the children they didn't intend or desire to have because Corey was supposed to be a fling -- is that no longer sacred? Does that not mean anything?
Anyway, she decides to do what all red-blooded American girls do when faced with gossip about an ex: hack into his e-mail and do some light detective work.
Apparently there were a "crap ton of messages" from one girl. Leah has actually printed out his correspondence, and that total whore has written very explicit things to Corey like, "You make me have butterflies." Leah's friend says this is proof that the "old Corey" who had a girlfriend every week is obviously back, and Leah's reduced to tears. Everything's just changing so fast, and she's feeling Corey slip through her terrifyingly manicured fingers.
I'd just like to briefly remind readers one more time that Leah and Corey are divorced because she BONED SOMEONE WHO WASN'T HIM many times, and then FILED FOR DIVORCE. She gives him a call and he admits that he does talk to other girls because he sits on the couch and gets lonely. When they hang up, he seems genuinely conflicted. At the end of the day, I wonder if Leah's decision to file for divorce was some sort of bluff-calling that went horribly wrong. She must have thought it'd never get this far, because technically she's getting what she asked for -- a life without Corey -- but she's fighting like she's the victim.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.
