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01/15/2013 01:11 am ET Updated Mar 11, 2013

'Teen Mom 2' Recap: New Lives And A Painful Death

Jenelle

Breaking News: Yet another one of Jenelle's incredibly deep, emotional relationships with a bro she just met has fallen apart. Guess that's just how the weed cookie crumbles. Since living with her mom has never worked, Jenelle calls her pal Amber. "Can I move in with you, just till I get my stuff together?" she asks, as if "Jenelle Having Her Stuff Together" is something that'll ever happen as long as humans walk the earth.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Amber is probably not too bright ... 'cause she says "yes" without laughing or crying or insuring everything in what I picture is her dilapidated crack house.

We later learn that Amber is separated and has a baby. His name is Brantley, which is Latin for "Not a Real Name." We get to meet him when we see him sitting alone in a corner clutching a camo hat. I have a really good feeling about his future. The girls ignore him while they talk about how fun it'd be to live together with their beloved babies.

"It'd look good for the court too, 'cause Jace is living with another child and another mother," Jenelle explains. "Two responsible people." What the hell?! Does Jenelle think that going to court and getting custody is as easy as like, holding up Simba at Pride Rock while all her other teen mom friends bow down around her? Jenelle also reminds us that she'll be "tested and clean," which is incredibly impressive. Someone call Britney Spears -- I think it's time to hand over the Mother of the Year Award.

Since Jenelle and her mother are back on speaking terms, they meet up by the pier. Perhaps the sea air will do them some good ... or maybe Jenelle's just fiending for the 'S' (saltwater taffy) and knows this is the spot.

She admits she only dated Josh because she was lonely, but quickly realized he was annoying. Bahhbrahh takes that breakup and the Amber news pretty well: Of all her daughter's upstanding pals, Amber seems most adept at doing impressive things like walking, talking, and not trying to murder Jenelle. She even says she'll still consider letting Jace visit.

All in all it's a positive little date -- and Bahhbrahh is supremely impressed by all the large boats in the water. Ya know, if there's one thing Bahhbrahh loves, it's water crafts. You never have to worry about seeing them out with their boooooyfriend, Kieffaah.

With her mother's blessing, Jenelle starts to house hunt with Amber. They find a realtor who brings them to what looks like a little ski house, and Jenelle's immediately impressed 'cause she likes anything that reminds her of white powder. It's actually rather quaint -- and at $775 a month, it's affordable. They decide to go for it, so Bahhbrahh and poor tired Mike (back from his fling with a 'Hootah's waitress') drag her furniture to yet another spot. I keep waiting for Mike to learn the error of his ways and just live out back in his pickup. It'll save him some time in, oh, a week when he has to haul her out yet again.

Snug in her new place, Jenelle drops out of classes to focus on unpacking and decorating. Uhm, do you know how long it takes to hang up a sign that says "Surfer Girl?" A long time.

Soon after officially withdrawing, Jenelle and her massive pink pants head over to break the news to Bahhbrahh. Her eyes almost pop out of her head when she hears, especially because Jenelle still has to pay for the classes. "It's your edjukation, not miihne," Bahhbrahh says. What a silly joker that Bahhbrahh is, making us think she ever got her own edjukation! "Don't just give up, keep puhsuin' it," Bahhbrahh says. If there's one thing Jenelle is, it's dedicated -- just ask her weed dealers!

Leah

Jeremy's finally back from working on the 'ol pipeline, so he asks Leah on a romantic "did you bone your ex-boyfriend?" date. "I wouldn't worry about anything right now," she says with a huge, reassuring sigh. Jeremy must not have any clue what's going on, 'cause he smiles like a dope and seems very satisfied to be a distant second in the hierarchy of Leah's heart.

Over at Cory's poop pad, the twins are getting their diapers changed for the 300th time. I tell you, nobody knows how to party like those girls. Cory's buddy Austin comes over for some unintelligible chat time, and Cory admits that since he's not totally sure he and Leah are right for each other, he's just gonna try to move on. I mean, at least that's what I think he said -- boyfriend literally could have just recited the words to Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and we'd never know.

For some incredibly insane reason, Jeremy still wants to bring Leah and the girls out to dinner instead of ditching her for a less confused, baggage-laden lady. He peppers her with questions like "how is school," and "what are you going to do with your trailer?" Wait -- are they suddenly talking about moving in together? I swear to God, these teen moms make all their important decisions over dinner served on plastic trays.

Luckily, I was wrong ... for the time being. Leah is looking for somewhere to move, but not with her knight in shining hoop earrings, Jeremy. She and her mom check out a real, live HOUSE! You know what this means? Now, the worst thing anyone can call her is Solid Foundation Trash! The downside is that there's just one step outside, since she's so much closer to the ground. As Leah waxes poetic on how safe and lovely everything is, one of her darling twins goes over to the ground and spits. Guess you can take the toddlers out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the toddlers ...

Excitedly, Leah calls Jeremy to tell him that her application was accepted. He's so supportive that he offers to live with her -- you know, when he's home. Instead of being like "uh, I just met you, and this is crazy ..." Leah's all "Great idea! Here's my address, so call me maybe." Then she goes on and on about how the babies "love" Jeremy, which is plain ridiculous. I watched the girls "love" a pair of glasses and a lemon like, 10 minutes ago. Actually, they had a full-on relationship with that citrus fruit at dinner. Still, if this is the little family Leah has chosen, more power to her. If a pipeline ever breaks at her fancy new house, at least she's got her man.

Chelsea

It's time for Chelsea to take her math GED, but since she's already failed once, she doesn't have the highest hopes. She's so frazzled that she forgets to put in the other half of her hair. Still harried before the test, she lets her pooches out -- but juggling a baby doesn't make chasing two rambunctious animals easy.

To lure them back in, she motions to her car. Her black pup Darla jumps in quickly, and she slams the door. Sweet sandy-colored Frankie runs into the street, and Chelsea laughs and chases him before her phone rings and she forgets that he exists. I can only hope that a cameraman freed little Darla from her airless hell.

As she walks around the back of her house, she lets out a blood curdling shriek. After a commercial break, we can only hear Chelsea's hysterical voice as she screams to her father: "The husky got her! She's lying there, the dog's chewing on her!" Chelsea fears she'll get bitten next if she tries to approach the murderous monster, so she can't even retrieve Frankie's body.

The most upsetting part, to me, is that Chelsea was apparently aware that a violent creature was living in such close proximity to her home. I'm sure Aubree could run much faster than poor Frankie -- what would have happened if she had wandered over there? Why did nobody buy a fence, or alert the authorities if bloodshed was a legit fear?

"Every time I'm going to go to my test, something happens!" Chelsea cries, as if a wicked GED wizard, and not her own immaturity was to blame. This is the root of her issues: She's incapable of owning that which she brings upon herself.

Though she's depressed, Chelsea has found time to glue another small, blonde animal into her hair. It's sort of like Frankie is with her, except he probably looked better out there next to the husky. Look, I don't mean to be nasty, but the way she treats her strands is like people cruelty.

To make matters worse, Aubree hasn't forgotten about her pet like you'd assume. She's still yelling his name and acting out in her own tiny person way.

It couldn't be easy on Chelsea, but she finally gets her act together and passes the GED. She is very excited when she picks up Aubree from her mom's house. Her mom is super psyched too, and she's even dressed up for the occasion by calling the '80s and asking for a choker to wear. She brings up the "A" word, but Chelsea shuts her down quickly. She says they have no contact at the moment, but he has a tendency to derail her life just as it gets back on track -- so don't hold your breath. (Or, if you're Chelsea's mom, just keep that necklace on.)

I'd like to end this recap with a quick and furry memorial. Frankie, if it's true that all dogs go to heaven, I'm sure you're scampering with the many doomed pups that various 'Teen Moms' quickly grew bored with. You're in a better place now. Seriously.

Kailyn

Kailyn's finally back to her stone apartment that looks like a cross between an ancient jail and a tiny factory. Friend Gigi comes over, and though it's not established that she's a drag queen ... I mean, she's a drag queen.

Kailyn confesses that she's desperate to scoop up Isaac and move to Texas. Obviously Jo's illustrious "rap career" will bring him on the road, so why should SHE stay behind while he rap battles some homeless people in 7/11 parking lots?

After her time away, Kailyn's dying to see her son. When she picks Isaac up, Jo drops a bomb: Kailyn's estranged mom came over while she was away. Since her mother has never expressed interest in her -- let alone her son -- she's furious, and forbids Jo from letting her near Isaac. "I won't deny her if she comes here," Jo says defiantly. Perhaps he fears that Kailyn will go to Texas, and feels this is his chance to regain control. It's a strange reaction, as you'd assume Jo would be just as protective as Kailyn. After all, his almost mother-in-law has never shown him kindness, either. Kailyn loses her cool, turning as purple as her Northface.

Over time, her post-Texas glow is being replaced by the cold reality of Pennsylvania, and she just can't shake her anger at Jo. Luckily, large friend Mark is always happy to meet for a talk -- as long as said talk happens around food (preferably cheese, which I think we can all support). After Kailyn explains the no-love triangle she's stuck in with her estranged mom and Jo, Mark hands Kailyn his phone; since Mommy Dearest has her daughter's number blocked, Mark's digits will trick her. As Kailyn dials, her face goes pale. "I'm going to throw up," she mumbles.

When her mother -- whom Kailyn calls Suzi -- hears an unfamiliar voice, she hangs up. Kailyn calls back and asks point-blank why she went to see Isaac. Her response? Another ignored call, then a straight-to-voicemail slight. "You can't just be gone for a year and then just show up out of nowhere. That's no example to set for my son," Kailyn bravely says to the machine.

Seriously, have you ever known a Suzi you trusted? Just do a quick Google image search for 'Suzi' and you'll see what I mean. No way am I letting you around anyone I love, low moral naked lady with very noticeable tan lines. Stay back, too-happy-blonde-surrounded-by-flowers. My fictional child could have a pollen allergy, that is so careless of you. You know, I am pretty sure it's that 'Z'... nothing good comes from a misspelling, folks. Nothing good.

But the saga's not over. Kailyn's mom calls back and spits "I don't need to ask for your permission. Just remember that." The threat throws Kailyn for a loop, and the devastation's written on her face. "If she's not there for me, why is she going to try to be there for him? She's going to just set him up and let him down."

Kailyn knows her mom can't be counted on, and she wants desperately to save her son from that hurt -- even if it means absorbing it.

Since Kailyn's got Texas on the brain, she decides to see Jo and put everything on the table. She fills him in on her awful non-talk with Sucky Suzi, and Jo admits he wishes they could "patch things up." Shocked that he still refuses to see why she's so frustrated, Kailyn's temper flares and her voice has an edge of attitude when she discusses her potential move. "I need to see my son every week, just so you know," Jo reminds her angrily. Kailyn admits she sees his point -- but she still yearns for a support system and a family of her own. Unlike basically every other dramatic situation in this show, they can't iron this issue out over dinner.

"Teen Mom" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.

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