Note: The following contains spoilers if you have not seen Season 2, Episode 9 of "Teen Mom 2."
Leah wants a new trailer because the one she and Corey have is like the inspiration for "8 Mile." When Leah wants to wash her sweet little girls, she has to climb down to the basement through a trap door, kill spiders that probably eat children, turn on cold tap water that flows down from a spout in the ceiling ... and worst of all, the tub is mustard yellow. Now that's just unnatural.
At first, Corey's open to the concept of a squalor-free life. He and Leah look at land closer to Ali's doctors, where they could put a new trailer that FEMA wouldn't condemn. Leah wonders, "Is the schools good here?" The answer is yes (although it's too late for her, apparently). Also, they can be neiiiiighbors with the horse that's grazing on the hill!
Then Corey drops a bombshell. He feels they're jumping into this whole home-on-wheels ownership thing too fast, and what they (ahem, he) REALLY need is ... a new truck. Someday it'd be nice to give the babies a bath above ground, but he firmly believes, "We're gonna have both. A truck, then a house."
Leah's voice cracks as she informs Corey that she's moving regardless and "he can come if he wants to." Corey replies, "Ya-hu can do whatchu wanta, but I know whata I wannado!" Since that's not in English, nobody is happy and nothing is solved. There's no place like mobile home ... there's no place like mobile home ...
You know what they say about roommates, right? "Can't live with 'em, can't keep yourself from gettin' assaulted by them." Jenelle's new living situation with pal Tori doesn't exactly pan out, unless pals these days are giving each other black eyes instead of friendship bracelets.
But let's not put the cart before the drug-addicted horse, shall we? Backing up ...
We get our Bahhbrahh fix nice and early this episode, when they go to the sociahl suhvaces office so Jenelle can pay a bit of child support. She'll give Bahhbrahh $30 a week to raise her child, and she'll throw in verbal abuse for free.
Jenelle is fuming because she's convinced Kieffer is text cheating. Uh, Jenelle, just 'cause he's having long, drawn-out convos with unlisted numbers does NOT mean he's doing something shady. Kieffer just loves math. He's a freak for numbers.
Anyway, Jenelle looks at his phone and sees ... a dreaded 508 area code.** She's fully convinced that Kieffer's dialing 1-800-SLUTTY-EX-GIRLFRIEND on the reg. Kieffer refuses to show her the phone and tries to exit the car, so Jenelle acts rationally and speeds away as he clings to the seat for dear life.
In the end, she's sort of right (c'mon, girls always know). It was his ex, but texts prove he ignored her and/or is good at erasing other texts. So begins the great Door Slamming Battle of 2012 followed by the Roommate Massacre. Jenelle directs her anger at Tori, who promptly tells her to move out. Then, they start beating the snot out of each other while Kieffer gets into a tussle of his own. Seriously, if it were in slow motion, it would have been majestic.
** A quick Wikipedia search tells us that people with that area codes are from parts of Massachusetts, including Cape Cod and the Islands. The post doesn't mention if said girls are slutty.
Between car insurance, college tuition and apartment expenses, Kailyn's desperate for the $488 of child support Jo's been ordered to pay. But when the mail arrives, she doesn't get a check ... she gets an appeal. Jo scribbles: "I have fully financially supported Kailyn for two years, and Isaac for the first 9 months of his life. I also think she could put more effort in when it comes to work."
Flabbergasted, she calls Jo to see if he's going to get all "Law & Order" on her and hire an attorney. The sly fox won't show his cards, so she decides to seek counsel as well. She goes to meet with her Kate Gosselin lawyer look-alike (that hair should be illegal, amiright?!), and we finally learn how things break down.
Basically, the law says that it costs $768 a month to raise Isaac. Jo is responsible for 63% ($488) and Kailyn is responsible for 36%. Kate Plus Legal Degree doesn't think Jo has a strong case, but she warns Kailyn that he may try to upset her in front of the judge.
Kailyn's not fooling herself. She knows she'll get very emotional. Still, she's too strong to give up. "It's a fight to the finish," she says bravely, "and we'll just keep battling it out."
Poor Chels is having a really rough time. She has developed an illness where she can only talk about evil ex-boyfriend Adam. When she tries to focus on something else, like her new job at the tanning salon or studying for the GED, the sickness weakens her.
Doctors and Chelsea's family are worried because it's progressed from sad to full-blown pathetic. In the midst of her pain, she moans, "How can I like him so much and he likes me not at all," as well as, "I don't understand what I'm doing wrong." Anyone who has been through a breakup knows the cure is time (and a general loosening of ones morals), but Chelsea is in too deep to hear that.
All joking aside, it's hard to see Chelsea so upset. Adam really does seem gone forever (or at least, till next week), and every time her phone rings, it's hard not to hope in your most secret heart that it's He Who Shall Not Be Named.
Chelsea explains to her mom that she had "14 years of a family" before her parents divorced, and Aubree may not get any. Mom reminds her that Chelsea's little leopard baby always will be surrounded by love ... it just may not come from Adam.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.