Jenelle
Since Jenelle literally has no friends she likes, she decides to circle back and check in on some people she previously couldn't stand. Remember sweet Tori, who actually bashed Jenelle's face in? Time to be palsies again! Jenelle has found a creative way to bring Tori back into her life. She says "I just don't have anybody, that's why I wanted to come talk to you." She has a peace offering of sorts, too, and it's a pretty big deal: Ke$ha tickets. "She's like my favorite artist ever and I have to go. She's so important to me," Jenelle says. So important that you'll call up people who physically beat you down so that you don't have to go alone? Now that, my friends, is devotion.
Later, Jenelle meets her lawyer in a restaurant that looks like someone's rec room -- I just keep waiting for the weird, unmarried uncle to walk down. Anyway, her attorney is one of those cool, youngish attorneys who is "just like you!" if "you" is someone who wears sunglasses on a rope. Jenelle explains that she still chooses jail over probation, so her lawyer pulls out his phone to consult his calendar. "They're asking for the 8th through the 23rd," he says casually, like they're booking brunch. "It'll be a total of 16 days in jail," he clarifies, since he's not sure if Jenelle can count to double digits.
Jenelle whips out her phone and realizes that oops, she has a conflict. Actually, it's a total deal-breaker: she has second row seats to a Ke$ha concert. Sorry, legal system ... girlfriend's got her heart set on a killer night of thinly-veiled songs about blow jobs, so you're just gonna have to wait! Actually, here's a compromise. If she promises to embrace love as her drug instead of marijuana, could she maybe just skip prison altogether?
Ke$ha is a huge proponent of that, as evidenced in her song "Your Love Is My Drug." It goes: "Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug. Your love your love your love, I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug. Your love your love your love. I like your beard." I don't fully get that last bit, but everyone knows that the most important music rarely makes sense.
Lawyer smiles his best "I am only here because she pre-paid her retainer" smile and says that a reschedule isn't going to work. "You don't understand," Jenelle stutters. "She is my IDOL. I really can't miss that concert. That's why I got all these feathers in my hair." She gestures to all the feathers in her hair for effect. "I bought clothes for this concert. I set up hotel rooms for the concert."
Lawyer reminds her that a clean record could potentially be more important than staying in a rat-infested motel and picking up sparkly new STDs, but Jenelle's not hearing him. She WANTS those sparkly STDs. Don't you understand, idiot lawyer? She got FEATHERS IN HER HAIR in hopes of getting those STDs. "It's not JUST a concert," Jenelle tries to explain. "It's Ke$ha. I'm obsessed with this girl."
The more she talks, the more everything is starting to make sense: her obsessive chatter, the way she's secret eating french fries like her life depends on it ... the girl is totally stoned out of her demented face. She has no idea what she's talking about -- but judging from my Google search for "Kesha+lyrics," not making sense is a big part of liking her. My personal favorite discovery? The line "I threw up in the closet and I don't care." I really just adore a girl who lets her heart be her guide. And if that guide brings your drunk body sailing into a mess of pea coats, just go ahead and hurl. This is AMERICA.
But before Jenelle can decide between jail or probation, her probation officer decides for her. She shows up with a random drug test -- and since Jenelle fails, she's carted off to the big house immediately. She calls her mom and explains that her bond is $10,000 and it'll cost $1,000 to get her out. "No!," Bahhbrahh yells. "Sahhry. You make me so angry! You keep smoking weed weed weed weed. Sit in jail and pay the phrice." Jenelle wails that she'll be stuck there until August, but Bahhbrahh's seen some Dr. Phil and she's embracing tough love. "This is what's gonna happen. I get you outta jail, you hop in ya cahh, and I won't see you for a week. The hell with you! Sit in jail, I'm not comin', goohbye." Then, she hangs up with a triumphant click. Cuhlick.
Chelsea
The interesting thing about Chelsea's life is that she starts every morning by looking in the mirror and thinking: "How can I look as much like a cave person as humanly possible?" Since today is a big day (she's going to watch Adam's bike thing race), she paints special cave drawings onto her face and tortures her hair until we can actually hear it scream. Seriously, her head is like Abu Ghraib for follicles.
Adam's basically living at her house, which is a problem 'cause her dad hates his guts. Oh by the way, her dad will also be watching Aubree while she secretly hangs with Adam today, no big deal. He definitely won't find out about any of this because Chelsea is historically very, very good at keeping secrets.
But today, it's her own garage that betrays her. See, the thing about quietly moving someone into your house is that you should not leave his huge tires, bikes and assorted white trash boy accoutrement right where anybody in the driveway can see them. Dad furiously calls Chelsea who quickly says Adam is simply "working on some stuff" there. PLUS DAD, she's paying her own rent now anyway so just take your babysitting and your unconditional love and support and shove it!
Luckily the fight doesn't keep her from missing the big race at Gramma's MX Park. As Adam doesn't stand up or look her in the eye or hold her hand, it's obvious that he is very glad she has come all this way! Her little heart soars as he zooms over mounds of dirt. "I LOVE HIM!" she says giddily to her friend, like Ariel. Only problem here is that this land mermaid's daddy hasn't learned the whole truth yet. Oh, whoops, that night he learns the truth! Apparently he came over and forced Adam to leave, which makes things very awkward for Chelsea. She's worried that the fight will taint Aubree's big birthday party, and laments her situation to some friends who either also have babies or rented them on the way over. Luckily, Aubree has no idea what's going on and only wants to shake her booty on command and "get low." That's not a joke. Chelsea actually talks to her like she's a backup dancing dog for Jennifer Lopez.
As Chelsea drives to the fête, she becomes more and more anxious about her baby daddy. Her scary red-headed pal, who will hence forth be called Really Raggedy Ann, is like "I've only got 567 layers of this pink lipstick on, can you see it? Oh and also why would he not come?" Oh, I don't know Really Raggedy Ann, maybe 'cause he'll always be the same ol' guy who texted Chelsea "it's so over for the rest of ourlives ya fat stretch mark bitch tell me where and wen [sic] to sign the papers over for that mistake" in season 2? Note: That is word-for-word the text he sent, no editorial license.
They hop out at the arcade and quickly do their best to spice up one of the depressing little party rooms. At first, it really looks like the place Chuck E. Cheese would come to end it all. (Rancid cheese pills are the downfall of so many bloated, formerly famous mice.) But Chelsea kicks it into parenting mode and starts spreading out funky table cloths while her dad brings leopard balloons and a snazzy, pricey lookin' pink leopard cake. Together, they really do transform the space: It's gaudy in a way that appeals to babies, transvestites, and me. Few decorators reach such a varied audience. Though the area is finally bright, Chelsea's mood is dark. An hour into the party and Adam's still absent. But you know what probably hurts even worse? The fact that she never expected anything better.
Two hours into the party -- which, for tiny kids, is basically the end of a party -- Adam shows up wearing his best "I'm miserable" smirk. He finally cracks a smile as Aubree hops into her new, shiny pink baby Jeep. Then, Adam pops out to his car to grab his much more low-tech gift ... a little bike with training wheels. Though he had the best intentions, Aubs can't ride it yet and she runs away screaming. Love that she's learning at such a young age to always embrace name-brand over random junk. Plus, you should never take anything a boy tries to give you from the back of a truck.
Leah
When Leah checks the mail -- or rather, the 100 mailboxes that inexplicably are mounted right in front of her trailer -- she has something from her lawyer. She admits that she never intended for the divorce to happen, and every step toward finalization is like being stabbed in the heart. No, it's more painful ... it's like someone saying "there's no more bottled bleach left in the world."
As she drops the girls off with Corey for his weekend, he hands her a crumpled check for child support and she makes a snarky comment about his new truck. "That's why I left," she says, alluding to how he chose buying a new ve-hickle over a better trailer for his family. "Aw, you're gonna make me peeee my pants!" he says, grinning like an unhinged coon hound. "I'm sure they woulda loved their mom and dad together a lot more than a truck," Leah persists. No, actually Leah, I'm sure the twins would prefer you spend some of that child support on a strapless bra so that we could really appreciate your tiny tops without all that bonus elastic distraction.
Friend Kayla comes over to hang out on Leah's porch -- well, technically her 3 stairs and a trailer platform -- and vent. Leah's starting to sound like a broken, sobbing record. What makes me the most angry is that she's not learning from her mistakes: Invest in waterproof mascara and eyeliner, girl! She's got a sort of 'Dark Knight' Joker thing going on as she babbles "I loved him" and does a lot of emotional and violent face rubbing.
When she sees Corey again to pick up the babies (I genuinely like that she calls them "girlfriend" and "sister"), Corey asks if the truck was the real reason for the split. Then he casually mentions how she screwed Robbie before their wedding -- do ya think that played a part, Leah? "I think we both did hurt to each other," she says wisely. "I tried to do marriage counseling," she reminds him. "I tried to do everything to do," he replies unintelligibly, careful not to lose any of that dip in his lip. At this point, they're about to murder each other in the parking lot. They decide they want to get along for the girls before jumping in their respective rides and looking pensive. Note that this time, Leah has a bikini top on under her shirt. Slow and steady changes, Leah. Slow and steady.
On the day of the court hearing, she throws on her best two-piece department store suit. Corey is donning his business casual day-glo green t-shirt and camo hat for the occasion. Afterwards, they share a bench and look shell-shocked. "We just have to be good parents," Corey says slowly. "I wish you the best," Leah chokes out. That is definitely my number one favorite passive aggressive goodbye. It simultaneously means "I'd still bone you right this very second" and "I will be torturing you for the rest of your life, don't worry." Dramatically, she takes off her ring and leaves it on the dresser. I'd suggest she pawn it, but Corey probably found it at the bottom of a cereal box, and you know Cap'n Crunch is notoriously cheap.
Kailyn
Kailyn says she "still has feelings for Jo, but [is] trying to get over them because [she's] trying to make it work with Jordan." Translation: One dude ignores her, the other doesn't. She's sticking with the one who doesn't. Such a positive groundwork for young love to flourish upon! Since Jordan worships her, things are going very well. She's even washing her hair again!
But then, everything comes crashing down when a friend sends her a link of Jo and his new lady love. As Kailyn does light Facebook stalking, she uses her super-sleuth skills to decode that Jo is tipsy in a photo (the caption says "a little tipsy), and it's the same day he had Isaac. Kailyn flips out, horrified that he's choosing time with a random Vee when he could be with hers. (That line was my boyfriend's suggestion, obviously.) But let's be honest: You know drinking was all Isaac's idea. He's probably passed out with some stuffed animal bitches and a bottle of warm milk. Don't hate the player, hate the pacifier.
When she calls Jo to confront him, he says that A) Isaac was safe with his grandmother and B) he wasn't drinking. After a very frustrating 10 second call, she hangs up on him (well, technically first she drops the phone and then she hangs up) and does her patented far-away Cosette face. Le Teen Mom Miserables.
To blow off some steam, Kailyn pretends to eat/enjoy vegan food at a restaurant called Vegan Treats with one of her many random pals. Since everyone has that same lower lip piercing, I can't tell them apart. She's considering going to a lawyer to get revenge on Jo -- I mean, 'cause she wants more weekend time with Isaac.
She quickly goes to visit her attorney -- you remember her, Kate Gosselin's more well-educated twin? Kate Gosselin, Esquire agrees that it makes sense for Kailyn to have Isaac on the weekends. After all, with school and work, Kailyn rarely gets any quality time with her son. Still, Jo will need to agree with that ... and though it'll give him more time for shenanigans, his favorite game is still toying with Kailyn's head.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.
