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'Teen Mom 2' Recap: The Toughest Tests of Their Lives

Posted: 01/08/2013 1:44 am

Chelsea
It's finally time to take the reading and social studies GED tests, so Chelsea calls sister Emily, who looks disturbingly like the female Edward Scissor Hands, to watch Aubree. Before she heads out, she ensures that she's got an entire tube of mascara and 45 rows of false eyelashes on -- you know, for that natural look.

Emily Scissor Hands informs her that the tests will be easy, but Chelsea's not so sure. For one, it's hard to open her eyes now. For two, she's just not that bright. Aubree has a total meltdown, screaming like an unsupportive banshee. She's like 'NOO MOM! DON'T TRY TO READ! YOU KNOW IT HURTS YOUR HEAD!'

Post-GED tests, Chelsea meets her dad and Aubree for some delicious food. "How'd it go?" he inquires. "Good, I'm a genius!" she says proudly. No, Chelsea ... being a genius would mean finishing high school like, two years early -- oh, or at all.

Though she hasn't officially passed, she's already daydreaming about the future. "You don't expect me to have a JOB when I'm in school," she sniffs. Of course, her dad doesn't, because he is the best/most enabling man on the planet.

Chelsea is obviously going to be very, very tired after she attends Black Hills Beauty, the hair school that also sounds like a transvestite pirate ship. Can't you just picture their darling little outfits? When they walk the plank, they'll do it with amazing posture and a hair flip at the end. Polly won't want crackers, 'cause she's not eating carbs.

Anyway, since Chelsea's got some downtime while she waits for her scores, she decides to potty train Aubree. As a result, a fresh potty must be purchased. (That is potentially the best sentence I've ever written.) Chelsea and her gaggle of pals head to a store named Kids Stuff, which sells pretty much everything but the apostrophe that should be in the name.

Like most women with strong, boring morals, Aubree is not interested in dropping her pants in public. (Ke$ha and Jenelle totally di$approve.) Instead, she'd rather play with some toy ducks and run away from momma's scary big-haired friends. Seriously, their applied-with-a-spatula makeup is so frightening, I could totally pee my pants right now.

Back at home, Chelsea scribbles on some paper and shows it to Aubree. Because she thinks her daughter is a tiny deaf immigrant, she holds it up while loudly over-enunciating: "THIS IS YO-UR PO-TTY CHA-R-T."

She lures her with the promise of gold stars ... which, let's face it, are not that exciting. Really, in what world is a shiny sticker a desirable piece of currency? When I have kids, I'm going to bribe them with something more important like "continuing to let them live."

Aubree angrily picks up her plastic seat and hurls it across the room in protest. She does not want to "sit in front of the TV and take a poop," as Chelsea enthusiastically offers. See, she's already got her diaper and Adam for a dad ... so she's pretty much used to being surrounded by shit. Having a new place to deposit it is no great shakes.

Later, on a frozen day, Chelsea gets the GED results. She calls her dad before ripping into the envelope, and the result is -- wow, is anyone seeing how large and in charge Chels is looking right now? She may like leopard, but that spotted sweater is only loving her handles and about 10 extra lbs. If she doesn't pass the test, it'll be like three people failed at this point.

Where were we? Oh, the test. Her chubby sausage fingers finally loosen their grip when she realizes that she passed! Praise be to God and Butter!


Leah
Since Corey's confessed that "the divorce was a mistake," Leah's been a hotter mess than usual. She's so racked with guilt that she asks current sucker ... I mean boyfriend ... Jeremy over and immediately comes clean. "It might just bother him that I'm moving on," she admits. Obviously fed up and hurt, Jeremy says he's nervous to leave during the week now. "I don't really know what to say about it," is Leah's extremely reassuring response. I guess once a cheater, always ready to be a cheater again, eh?

Shortly after, Jeremy heads off to the 'ol pipeline -- and since Corey has the girls, Leah heads over to talk. Corey's all "let me put them to sleep," which makes him look like a really devoted dad ... but you and I both know he's just hoping to get it in without a tiny audience cheering him on.

"I just miss how it used to be. I just want us back," Corey says while somehow looking exactly like that monster from "Men in Black" who killed a large dude and then uses the body as a too-saggy disguise. When Leah returns the sentiment, he breaks into a manic smile. It's been six months since they split -- exactly like last time. "It's a cycle," Leah says sagely. But as fast as Corey admits his devotion, he quickly adds an, "Ugh, I shouldn't'a said nothing!" caveat. That throws Leah into a tailspin. Does her knight in shining cut-off t-shirts and one-syllable words want her or not?!

Leah really needs to vent, so she makes plans to see a friend before school. She also calls an unfortunately ugly babysitter with a foopa as big as her bangs to watch the girls. Seriously, the "Sister Wives" would envy those things -- and who knew they were still making snap barrettes? If that look doesn't shout "uninterested in a husband," then I don't know what does.

Leah and her usual pal hit up La Carreta, which is Spanish for "a place where people say things like, 'Was you surprised?''' and everyone thinks that's English.

She admits that Corey was getting teary eyed during their meeting, and even mocks the way he talks. This is an AMAZING moment. For the past two years, dear readers, I've wondered if Leah was unaware that the father of her children sounds like Real Slow and Pretty Dumb made a baby named Corey ... BUT SHE KNOWS! SHE REALLY KNOWS!

... And still, she wonders if she should take him back. Like, on the one hand, Corey is part of her family. On the other, Jeremy got her flowers. At this point, they basically break even.
When they meet to exchange the girls, Leah hops in Corey's truck for another talk. She wants more than just, "Let's get back together," but he seems incapable of making any grand statements. Suddenly, the guy who was all gung-ho to start again is the one with reservations.

"I know that I would like all of us together. I just wanna know how it's gonna be once we're all together," he says perplexingly. "I lay in bed and miss the girls." Leah admits she hates being without them, too.

Then, the truth becomes obvious to everyone but Leah and Corey: They're not really missing each other, they're missing their twins. It's those little cuties they're truly in love with ... not their ex-spouse. Now that is some serious insight.

She doesn't get much support from her parents, who remind her that she's come so far and shouldn't take steps backwards now. "I don't feel sincerity from Corey, so I can't let go of Jeremy," Leah admits. As she starts to cry, her dad drops some serious knowledge: She "can't afford for this to be a bad decision." After all, it does affect three lives, two of which are very teeny tiny.


Kailyn
It's finally time to fly to Texas to reunite with her long-lost relatives, and Kailyn's psyched out of her mind. She's got her best traveling floppy hat on and everything. She beams when her cousin picks her up, and the two look similar in that way that most unshowered blonde girls do. They've got grease in their DNA.

"There's not much going on in Pennsylvania right now, 'cause I'm kinda miserable," she confides in her cousin as they look at pics of little Isaac. Though it's great to leave the rest of her life behind, it's hard to be away from her son.

When cousin asks if Kailyn will see her dad, she laughs bitterly. "Last time I was here I was six months pregnant and he asked me to borrow $20." She explains that life isn't going according to plan at home, and she's considering moving "out and away."

Timidly, she asks cousin if she's enthralled with Texas, and the reaction is overwhelmingly positive. For the full tourist experience, they decide to go and ride a mechanical creature. 'All I wanna do is ride the bull and call it a night,' Kailyn says. Girlfriend, I'm pretty sure that's how you got Isaac ... you sure you wanna chance that with a new stud?

Because the only thing sexier than one kinda large girl in a small space is two kinda large girls, they both hop on -- and immediately fall off, laughing hysterically. It's really nice to see Kailyn enjoying herself, even if it did come in the wake of public humiliation.

Later, a very nervous Kailyn gets ready to meet her half-sister Mikayla for the second time ever. Mikayla is just as sweet as pie (and definitely full of the calories), and she promptly gives Kailyn a sweet ring. She's not speaking to their dad either, so they do have something in common. "I had a feeling that I had a sister - but nobody ever told me that," Mikayla says sadly.

For her whole life, Kailyn's either been a secret or flat-out ignored by her family -- and suddenly, I don't want to make fun of her greasy hair. Actually, I have to admit that the climate seems to have done it some good! Still, travel-size soap is probably a little cheaper ... she could have made the effort.

Kailyn likes how being an older sister feels, but admits that it's hard to play the role when she's so far away. While she'd love to move, she knows Jo would never support it. "I think me and Isaac might just run away and come here," she says half-seriously.

She's been robbed of 18 years with her kin, and it's so hard to go ... but she knows that the tiniest man in her life is also the most important. It's time to get home, even if it's not where all of her heart is.


Jenelle
Though Jenelle's back on her bipolar meds, she's not all that happy. Gosh, can you believe that things aren't awesome between her and the guy she moved in with after just one week? That's normally a recipe for love and a second teen pregnancy! She tells Allison, her friend with unsettling widely spaced eyes (basically I think she's an alien) that "he annoys me. I can't deal with it. There's something about him ... he's just weird. He acts so nice, but it's like a front." Oh, kinda like how you bow down to Ke$ha, the priestess of freaks, but can't actually handle one in real life? Does Josh have to sweat glitter to get on your good side, Jenelle? Put your feathered hair where your mouth is, honey.

To prove that she can take care of Jace on her own, Jenelle brings him to a pumpkin patch. After what looks like a fab day, they head home to update Bahhbrahh. "Howzya mood swings goin'?" she asks. "Fine," Jenelle replies in that slow, quiet way that sociopaths have of speaking. "I wanna take him to spend the night," she ventures. "I don't know. I gotta think. Is gotta uh ya gota show me ya more ya ha ha be responsible,' Bahhbrahh replies. I think that translates loosely, in some languages, to "maybe."

"Maybe" doesn't work well for Jenelle. Every moment that she's not yelling, I sit here all tensed up like Bambi, just waiting for someone to blow my mom to bits. Anyone else getting an ulcer from anticipating her explosions? Of course she goes ballistic and storms out. Gotta hand it to her; girlfriend is nothing if not predictable.

Since the blowout with her mom, Jenelle's mood has gotten even darker, and the pills are making her sick. She's too miserable to go on a family outing, and Bahhbrahh has little sympathy. After all, she's put on her good Forever 21 dress, peeled boyfriend Mike off the rocker and tied Jace into a tiny set of overalls -- she is going OUT come hell or high daughter.

She decides to go back into the lion's den, inspiring Jenelle to break out her patented cry-sob-hand-over-face-"nobody-loves-me" thing. If that wail doesn't haunt your dreams, you may actually be dead.

Afterwards, Josh is none too pleased. "Dang, what did I get myself in to?" he says without looking at Jenelle. He suggests that she cut ties with her mom and she promptly has another emotional meltdown. Josh takes her in his arms and lets her cry while, I'm assuming, calculating where the nearest exit is.

 
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