Chelsea
Though she hasn't gotten her GED results, Chelsea's getting ahead by taking the Black Hills Beauty School entrance exam. It has very hard questions on it like: "Obesity means most nearly: A) Obstinacy, B) Instrument, C) Fat, D) Lethargy." That's a super easy one, since the answer is a synonym for "how Chelsea currently looks."
Oh hey, while we're at it Chels, I'm pretty sure you got No. 6: "Access means most nearly" totally wrong. I'm gonna go head and say it was "B) Admittance," but good try with "D) Too much." That definitely makes sense too, if you don't know what the very simple word "access" means.
Afterwards, Ryan Seacrest's straight counterpart comes out to deliver the good news: She got a 91! That means she's officially accepted! She runs to tell her friend Landon, and he says something like, "That's great, but I want to be sure you noticed that I've shaved leopard spots into my head." Then they sit for a while and shorten words and laugh over how funny they sound. But sadly, the joy is interrupted when Adam calls Chelsea. Instead of a dramatic fight, though, it's just a little hello from Ms. Aubree. "You guys, that hurt my heart," Chelsea whines. "He didn't say anything." It's for the best, Chels. You probably want to wait until that massive forehead zit heals before trying to see him, anyway. Also, they'll probably teach you this in beauty school, but dark concealer doesn't make a blemish go away. It just makes it look like it went to the Jersey Shore.
When her final GED results come, Chelsea drives to her dad's house. She lets Aubree open the envelop, which takes about four years, but -- drum roll please -- she passed!
To celebrate, Chelsea's parents bring her pals and their random babies out for a special meal. I was momentarily confused about Chelsea's mom's adolescent headband, but then I realized the true reason she was all gussied up: Randy was there with his second wife, Rita! We've never seen this Rita character before, and I'm pretty blown away. I would have bet on Jace's paternity test that Randy had moved on to men folk after his divorce, but it looks like I'm wrong for the very first time in my entire life. Though to be honest, Rita's a grade-A beard if I ever did see one. Seriously, she must have Hugh Jackman's wife on speed dial.
Kailyn
As Isaac's second birthday approaches, Kailyn's busy planning the party ... and spending more time with Javi. They're about as cute as can be -- especially when MTV immediately cuts to Jo and Vee chowing down at a bake shop. I don't know much about Vee or her aspirations in life, but she certainly has a future in eating-while-wearing-gigantic-earrings. It's an impressive skill right up there with perfectly-curling-just-two-strands-of-hair. If anyone's hiring, shoot her a note. Speaking of notes, Vee hopes that writing one to Kailyn could break the ice and help them come together. "You never know how she'll react," Jo warns Vee. "She's unpredictable." (That's sort of eerie foreshadowing, especially given Kailyn's recent revelation: She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.)
When Kailyn and Jo do the baby-trade later, Jo gingerly hands her a piece of paper. He looks as nervous as someone who only has two facial settings (dead-behind-the-eyes and angry-but-still-dead-behind-the-eyes) possibly can. Vee writes that she has no plans to take Kailyn's place in Isaac's life, but would very much like to get to know him and be civil with her.
"I don't really know how to react to that," Kailyn spits immediately. She's impressed by Vee's guts, but she's very strong in her convictions: Words aside, she's not ready for any involvement with Jo's latest piece. Jo must have taken a pre-letter Xany bar, because he's cool as a cucumber. He's even doing that slow talking thing that secretly stressed out people do to feign relaxation. When he asks why Kailyn has such a problem with his gal pal, he inadvertently trips her momma bear wire and she lets loose a flood of venomous thoughts. She's talking a mile and minute, falling over her own frantic words and whipping herself into a blotchy-faced frenzy.
She's basically been fighting for what's hers her entire life, and it's obvious that she's feeling threatened. Her son is the only person who hasn't disappointed her, and she sure as hell doesn't want to share that unconditional love with the chick who she still sees as a home wrecker. "Just shut up. I can't stand you right now," she eventually scrams. It's not like her to talk nasty in front of Isaac, and even Jo seems taken aback. She's stooped to a new, immature level -- but everyone knows that anger is rooted in pain.
To prove just how mad he is, Jo rips out of the driveway as fast as his Hyundai Elantra can go. It's like he's auditioning for a part in "The Not-So-Fast-But -Still-Furious 5: Daddy's Pain."
Later, Kailyn confides in Toni, a friend we've never seen before. She's unattractive in that way that makes it hard to tell if she's slightly older or just kind of fat. I'll go with "slightly older" because it feels a little nicer, and I'm actively working on that. ("Also, say something like that her chin is hanging off her face!" my boyfriend just noted really happily. So, there you go.) "I don't hate her, I'm just not ready to involve myself with them," Kailyn admits. Toni asks if something else deeper is hurting her, and Kailyn finally comes clean: Ignoring Vee allows her to live in a world of denial where Jo isn't with someone else.
After the fact, Kailyn felt horrible about how she talked to Jo. She decided to mend fences by inviting him to the birthday party she's throwing for Isaac ... but he doesn't answer her when she calls to check in. Isaac has a wonderful time, but Kailyn's not her best self. She breaks into quiet sobs as Isaac tries to eat his candles. He's growing up so fast, and Kailyn wishes he could celebrate with both parents in one room. Just when she least expects it, Jo shows up at the big fiesta. He gives Javi a man hug and is very cordial. To be honest, it's Kailyn's constant "this is awkward" outbursts that truly make it awkward.
After Isaac's second second birthday party at Jo's house, he drops him back with Kailyn. She admits her fears about Vee taking her role/Isaac generally enjoying Jo's big family more than her little makeshift one. She's scared that when he's older and can choose with whom he wants to live, he'll pick Jo. He seems genuinely touched by her openness, and even a little sad for her. Their talk ends with a game of catch and a rock-paper-scissors for who has to change the next dirty diaper. "This is what co-parenting is all about," Jo jokes. It's a sweet moment -- and one that proves things are all uphill from here.
Note: I take back that last sentence now that I've seen the trailer for the next episode. Oh. Em. God. Poop's going down.
Leah
When Jeremy comes home from his long week on the 'ol pipeline, he's got quite a welcoming committee: His new fiance, her twins ... and a bun in the oven. No, I don't mean Leah's prepared some Pillsbury cut-n-serve treats -- the most fertile gal in the history of MTV is prego again. "It aint really set in yet," Jeremy admits as his step-children scream and mutilate their pet dog in the background.
When Jeremy hits the road again, Leah realizes it's time to tell the rest of the world that she's adding to the overpopulation of our planet yet again. Her mom, sporting an interesting new strawberry blonde 'do, comes over to hang out. "I got my IUD took out," Leah says. (You really can't fault her for how stupid she sounds; For rednecks, English is truly a second language.) "Well ... I ... am ... pregnant." Her mom is stunned "You're a fertile myrtle. That's a lot to intake first thing es morning." Looks like the apple don't far from that there illiterate tree.
Next stop on the pregnancy tour is friend Kayla. Her response is a mix of horror and shock, which puts Leah on the defense immediately. She explains that Jeremy works away from home six days a week, so like, what were the chances of getting pregnant? Uhm, when you're not on birth control, I'm gonna go ahead and say about 100 percent. Leah confesses that Corey still has no idea that she's even engaged, and she knows it's time to fill him in. She wants to get to him before any gossip can.
On the night of the baby drop-off, Leah asks Corey if he could come by the house instead of a public spot. When she tells him they need to talk about something serious, there's palpable fear in his voice. He takes the news of the engagement pretty well, although he won't look her in the eye. He seems to know that the real blow hasn't yet been dealt.
"Whassarumoraboutyoubeinpregnant," Corey says in his usual clear, coherent language. Leah gets all coy, cocking her head and saying, "Maybe they're true." Then, like a real adult, she sloooowly writes "Y" for "yes" on one of those magnetic writing board thingys. The internet calls it a Megasketch, and Corey looks like he wants to Megadie. He grits his teeth and rubs his eyes, trying to pretend that he's having a sudden allergy attack indoors. Eventually, he can't hide his emotions: Tears slide down his face and he bolts for the door. When it comes to awful reactions to her spawn, Leah's totally three for three. After the encounter, Leah admits that she's still confused about Corey -- and that if she wasn't pregnant, it would be easier to leave Jeremy. The truth finally comes out -- and in about nine months, the reason she has to keep those feelings a secret will, too!
In bed that night, Leah calls Jeremy hoping to assuage her fears. "Do you still want a baby?" she asks pitifully. "Yeah, I want a baby. Duh," is his romantic, convincing reply.
The next time Leah sees Corey, he admits he wishes he had done things differently in the past. Leah says she similarly hasn't moved on, and it's a seriously depressing moment. "I'm stuck," Leah cries. "I come home everyday to nothing. I see why you rushed into it. You was lacking somebody," Corey replies rather sagely. They take one last longing look at each other as they stand between their trucks. What's done is done -- and whether she meant to or not, Leah's made a decision that's far more binding than her new ring.
I'm going to go ahead and assume that Jeremy didn't enjoy watching this episode. Also, shout out to his and Leah's reportedly newborn baby! Hey you, don't take it too personally!
Jenelle
Though Jenelle has no desire to be near Andrew and desperately hopes he's not Jace's father, she wants to figure it out once and for all. She calls Andrew to give him the info, and he asks for a video chat with Jace. Though the thought of seeing him makes Jenelle queasy, she agrees so that he'll follow through on his part of the deal. Since she's in North Carolina and he's in Florida, it's the only semblance of "face to face" communication they can have.
We finally get a peek at Potential Daddy No. 1 and boy, is he a looker. He's rocking some strange brown blotch-y skin that could either be the remnants of a sunburn or some unfortunate birth marks, but my vote is for meth face. "He does not look like me, Jenelle," he says point-blank. "I'm ready for them to say I'm not the father. If he is not mine, then I'm going to get his name off child support, and I'm going to get his name off the birth certificate. I'm not paying for a child that's not mine." Though it's harsh, it's also a legit request. Why should he shell out for the ex who cheated on him and raise a kid that he has no ties to?
Up until now, I'm not really hating this dude -- until he waves goodbye. As he flutters his big hands, I see them: SILVER MAN RINGS. "Oh my god, I hate talking to him," Jenelle spits. I'm with you now, Jenelle. I'm with you.
After a tense few moments in the Any Lab Test Now waiting room, they're called into the back for the results. I just wanna go ahead and say I hope none of my beautiful readers ever need to go to an Any Lab Test Now facility. I truly don't think Anything Good Can Happen There. Anyway, in a shocking twist, the technician says that Andrew is 99.97 percent the father. "Cool," is Jenelle's emotional response. "He looks so much like the othah guy. This is terribaaaahl news. Jace is gonna be screwed uhp," is Bahhbrahh's sensitive reply.
Gonna go out on a limb here and say that with a mother like Jenelle, he never really had a fighting chance to begin with.
Jenelle and Bahhbrahh Skype Andrew, who is still very confident that he's sent in his very last child support payment. When Jenelle breaks the news to him, he covers his face and has something that looks like a panic attack. "I'm going to be in his life 100 percent for a fact. Your mom has done a great job raising him," he says. He's talking super fast, and something seems off. He's gotta be on uppers, right? There's no way a truly normal person gets mixed up with Jenelle. Neither she nor Bahhbrahh buy his whole Father of the Year speech -- and for them, the most shocking part of this whole experience would be if he actually followed through.
A week later, Jenelle and Bahhbrahh are proven correct: They haven't heard a peep from Andrew. Still, Bahhbrahh's not fazed. If Andrew lapses on his child support, she "will find him, and he will pay." In a startling moment of mother/daughter openness, she also tells Jenelle she's very proud of her. Though it's pretty pathetic that not going to jail/being arrested/mauling anyone close to her is worthy of praise, it's kind of all Bahhbrahh has. And for this demented family, it's enough.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.
