David Letterman, Married Men and the Single Women Who Want Them

I'm a Dave Letterman fan. My husband and I TiVo his show and watch it a few nights a week. I happened to be watching last Thursday night when Dave announced that he had done some "very, very bad things."

By now, most of you have heard the story. If not, the gist is that a CBS news producer, Robert Joel Halderman, asked Dave to pay him $2 million. The hush money was intended to keep Dave's "very, very bad things" a secret. The secret involved Dave having sexual relationships with female members of his staff. If Dave did not pay up, Halderman was threatening to expose Dave's forays in a screenplay. In other words, according to police reports, this was an extortion attempt.

Over the weekend, The New York Times followed up on Dave's announcement with an article on blackmail, and there have been subsequent articles covering Dave's apology and the possible aftermath. What I would like to follow up on is the topic of single women having affairs with married men. I don't know all the details of David Letterman's story, but his announcement awakened my curiosity about why women are dissing other women by having affairs with their husbands.

A search on Google for "why do single women have affairs with married men" results in 1.7 million hits. Guess it's a hot topic.

Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton, Rielle Hunter and John Edwards, the Argentine woman and Mark Sanford. The story of the single woman having an affair with the married man. These are the stories of public figures, and the private stories are even greater in number.

In a discussion group on Oprah's website, many women shared their experience of their husband having an affair with a single woman. One woman said that her husband had an affair with a co-worker and that the woman knew he was married and had kids. Even though she had this information, she would text and call him at all times of the night wanting him to come over and be with her. "How can a woman do that to another woman?" she asked.

My question exactly. Why are women hurting other women? Why are they willfully stepping into a situation that can damage lives (their own included)?

One explanation might come from Susan Sheppard, founder of Getting What You Want, a life and relationship coaching organization with a mission of promoting sacred intimacy. She says: "The woman who gets involved with a married man is... looking for attention and affection."

I did some more research and other reasons I found are: Enhanced self-esteem, self-image and power; excitement, risk, and challenge; and sex.

Probably most important is what showed up in the online discussion groups revealing that there are lots of women who feel they are gaining some kind of power from "taking a man away" from another woman.

It's ironic to me that some women list "enhanced self-esteem and power" as their reason for having an affair, when it seems the exact opposite is true. By deceiving another woman, she is actually depleting her power. In other words, by deceiving another woman, she is causing more pain and damage to the feminine psyche and is perpetuating a pattern of mistrust among women.

"Many women cannot be trusted... they are gossipy, catty, and will stab you in the back," wrote one woman in the discussion group on Oprah's site.

"Women compete with each other... we live to tear each other apart," said another.

Wow. Do we really need to continue this pattern? Is it possible to support each other as women? What would it be like if there was a sisterhood among women where if you knew a man was married, you would leave him alone? Hmmm....

In my opinion, the more we deceive each other, the more we will lose trust in our gender -- and this really isn't good for our self-esteem. If we want to be powerful, how about saying, "no"?

What do you think?

Follow Tabby Biddle on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tabbybiddle

Comments

[Jay Adler]

I wrote my previous comment obviously as if I was James Thurber's understudy in the "tongue and cheek" days of the New Yorker. Of course pushing 60 with grown offspring in successful careers and married for 28 years, this is not going to be my issue. I am a bit chagrined that I am not reading commentary about the world today which unlike my Love Generation of the sixties indicates No Safe Sex. You have no sure fire way today to prevent Aids, genital and oral herpes, chlamydia and the rest of the menu. Also even if you are in a steady monogamous relationship you really never know and people do lie about previous treatment. Of course, you can be pretty safe by having relations in a very limiting way but that's like going swimming with a mink coat on. The blogs about affairs are very interesting but remember the health risks. We have to lobby the pharmaceutical industry for preventative products and cures.

[Jay Adler]

I have been married for quite some time but if I were out to have a casual affair with another woman I would not go ten feet near a single girl. Single girls don't know how to "play ball" as they say and either the man will bring one or more STDs home,the girl will crack up and come looking for him and there will be a big expensive divorce in the offing. The married guy will end up in a South Miami Beach studio living on a staple diet of Beefaroni. The best partner for a married man who wants to have an uncluttered relationship that although difficult may emerge as casual is a married woman. Her husband usually either does not care or they do not even talk to each other. A married man and a married woman both have just as much to lose and having at one time been deeply intimate and closer to a male, the married woman will be a seasoned and knowing companion. I cannot do any of this because I am at an age where golf is more important and I hate complications.

[S1m0n]

Neither gender owns a monopoly on relationship misconduct. Men and women do pretty much the same things for similar reasons.

[meeka472]

The thing that troubles me about this article is the fact that the author is trying to pin the whole issue with Married me cheating on their wives with single women on the single woman when in fact the problem is with the married man that cannot honor his marriage vows. Regardless, what the reasons are for a single woman to want to have an affair with a married man, the truth is that there wouldn't even be an issue if these men would honor their commitment to their wives and stay faithful....

[Dots]

I know a woman who chooses men who are married or committed because she wants to be with interesting men [who are mostly taken] but doesn't want to be in a primary relationship with all its demands. It seems to be working for her right now, but I wonder about the emotional residue.
Personally, after one yukky feeling experience, I feel better sticking with the golden rule.

[Jeff Norman - Huffpost Blogger]

Tabby, what makes you so sure Letterman had an affair when he was married?

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

HI Jeff.

I am not so sure Letterman had an affair when he was married. That's what I meant by "I don't know all the details of David Letterman's story, but his announcement awakened my curiosity about why women are dissing other women by having affairs with their husbands." I could have been more clear about that. The gist is that his story got me thinking about some situations that I know are happening (or have happened) in my friends' lives. I guess you could say that Dave's story was a catalyst for me to address the issues.

[Jeff Norman - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Tabby.

It's true you didn't accuse him explicitly, but when you write a post about extramarital affairs and you mention David Letterman several times including in the headline, I think the average reader will infer that you concluded Letterman had an affair while married.

Thanks for clarifying.

[kk1111]

I find it interesting that you've completely dismissed Dave Letterman's conduct because you're a "fan" and manged to turn HIS extra-marital affair into a discussion about the morality of single women. Single women cheat with married men because they want power over other women? For real? The majority of single women I know aren't interested in married men. If you can't keep him, why on earth would we want him? What you left out of your commentary is the fact that Letterman's personal assistant continued her affair even after she had moved in with her boyfriend; she was no longer single.

And I agree, we need to start being "supportive of other women". What would it be like if there was a sisterhood among women where if you knew a woman was single, you wouldn't automatically assume she was out to "steal" your husband? Hmmm....

[quindy]

It is all about decisions we make early on in our lives. We decide that we will not harm others, that we will not steal and not cheat. We do envision how our life is going to be. If I tell myself that it is OK to go out with a married man, I will go out with a married man. If I decide that I will never ever go with a married man I will not do it. It is very simple decision and easy to stick to it. It is too bad that so many women have such need for self gratification that they find it OK to intrude in other people's marriages.

[goddess1871]

I had a relationship with a married man when I was in college. It was very brief and certainly only for sex. I chalk it up to being young and stupid. I was scared to death the whole time - I knew what I was doing was wrong but darn it, I liked this guy. When "Waiting to Exhale" came out I certainly sympathized with Savannah (played by Whitney Houston), who has a thing with a married man. As much as the other woman may feel she is being empowered, the fact of the matter is that she is the exploited one (depending upon individual circumstances, of course). While I never had ANY romantic feelings for the guy, I knew that I would NEVER actually mean anything to this person, that I would NEVER have a future with him, and ultimately, if anything ever came down to my word against his, he would sell me down the river in a heartbeat. Our parting was amicable, but I often wonder about his wife.

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks so much for sharing this. I appreciated hearing where you were coming from in your experience.

[Soliel]

I am a single woman in my early forties...but now in a relationship.

I think having an affair under most cases, is very bad karma and just not nice at all.

Yet I see and hear a lackadaisical attitude about it all the time. Right now the two times I can think of are from liberal women who had no issue talking, flirting and even having an affair with married men.

One, who is actually very nice but missing a some morals on this issue, thought it was "ok" because the "wife is not being nice to him and he is trapped". Another thought it was "ok" because the man expressed dissatisfaction in the marriage.

What these ladies don't realize is that even the best of mates feels some dissatisfaction in a relationship and they might be on the other side.

One of these women just married...and dealing already with the challenges of marriage. I wonder how she'll feel now being on the other side?

One thing she'll realize is that it's always harder being the wife than the mistress. Being the mistress is easy. It's more fun, more alluring, more mysterious, more "naughty" while being the wife is exactly the opposite. So of course a mistress will seem more alluring.

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

Well said.

[Soliel]

I just wanted to add something when I wrote "most of the time" affairs are wrong.

There is one married man I truly feel sorry for. He was my first bf, by the way, and has been married for 20 years. He has shared with me his deep frustrations with his marriage. How his wife is not willing to talk about sex and she will only do the basics and calls anything not for procreation as "perverted". She makes him feel very ashamed and not free to be himself.

So my ex is deeply unsatisfied and unhappy .

In a way, I feel sorry for him and can almost forgive him if he did have an affair. His wife refuses to talk/deal/­acknowledg­e his pain at all. What do you do with such a situation?

I guess you can say he chose wrong, and he did. And now he is trapped. If he leaves half of all he has and his money will go to her.

I dunno, if there is real neglect in a marriage...I almost can't blame the person to have an affair but too often, that is the poor excuse.

I don't know the answers. Personally I will never have an affair because I don't want to hurt another and I don't want the negative karma and I don't want my relationship to be born from a broken one...but still...it's not always black or white.

[jdbabe]

Oh give me a break. Affairs between single women and married men have nothing to do with dissing, competing with, or deceiving other women. The single women aren't even thinking about the wife - just like the married man isn't thinking about her either. The difference is that by having an affair, the married man is breaking his marital vows. The single woman never took any such vows. The "sisterhood" of women should be joining forces to condem those who are truly causing the hurt - the men who step outside their marriage.

[2Bfair]

Where there are, or when there were laws against adultery, a single partner is/was just as guilty of the offense as the married partner. It s about dishonoring the boundaries of marriage, whether the vows are yours or not.

[rlugbill]

I agree. And men should stick together and support each other also. Single men shouldn't go after some other man's wife.

Sounds funny when you put the shoe on the other foot, doesn't it?

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

It's always good to try that shoe on the other foot. I agree with you. Men should stick together and support each other on this issue too.

[Creardon]

BRAVO!!! I am so sick of the competitive BS women put each other through! No man is worth it! And as the old adage goes "if he did it to someone else he's going to do it to you"

This world would be a better place if we treated each other the way we would want to be treated. And we would have more power if we stuck together instead of stabbing each other in the back.

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for writing in.