Making More Money Than Your Man

What would it be like if you made more money than your husband or your boyfriend or your father? For some of you, you are already in this position. For others, what once seemed like a faraway possibility, is now closer in view.

According to a recent article in Time, 75% of the job losses during this recession have gone to men. In order to pay the bills and support the family, women are stepping in to work longer hours and, those who took time off from their career to raise children, are re-entering the workforce -- many of them as business owners.

Before the recession, Sarah Janosek, a 47-year old hospice nurse and mother of three daughters in Austin, TX, brought in roughly one-third of her family's income. Once her husband lost his job as a software engineer, she became the principal breadwinner.

So what happens if the balance of earning power is tipped toward the woman? How will this change the relationship of the couple?

For those of us who grew up in a generation or a household where it was expected that Dad was the one responsible for bringing home the money to support the family, and Mom was the one responsible for cleaning the house and raising the kids -- the idea of the woman now being the main breadwinner can be daunting and frankly, disorienting.

One friend, who is close to earning a lot more money than she has been, revealed to me that she keeps tripping herself up because she doesn't like the idea of making more money than her husband. When I asked her why, she told me that she didn't want to lose respect for him.

I asked another friend her opinion on the subject, and she told me that she was afraid that her husband wouldn't feel like "a man" if he earned less than she. "So what would this mean to you if he felt like this?" I asked. "I'm afraid I might lose him," she replied -- sounding surprised to hear herself say this.

Could it be that some women are afraid of their own achievements because there is an old tape playing that says, "My marriage will dissolve if I make too much money."

We often hear about Hollywood couples breaking if off not too long after the woman gains more spotlight and cash flow than the man. Hilary and Chad. Reese and Ryan. Halle and Eric... To name a few. Whether there is any connection between the bigger earnings and the breakups is hard to prove, but word around town is that it was a factor.

I have a friend who is the CEO of her own company and is re-entering the dating scene. One day at a women's gathering, she asked our opinion about whether she should avoid talking about her work as she goes out on dates. "Why would you do that?" I asked. She replied: "Because I don't want him to feel intimidated."

With this remark, it started to dawn on me that as modern and as ambitious as many of us women are, there is a lot of old belief system knocking around and perhaps knocking us back.

While many of us ache to earn more, charge higher fees, and bring in more money for our time spent on work, can we get comfortable with a role reversal? Are we willing to let go of old belief systems and truly respect a man who makes less than we do?

And finally... Can we as women own our own earning power?

Comments

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Hi Tabby,

I think one might want to re-evaluate the relationship if the woman earning more then the man is a problem. If he bases his feelings about her on her being in a subordinate position, that needs to be recognized not denied.

[nantucketsunset]

I think this article has the wrong end of the stick when asking if women are afraid of their achievements - it puts the blame on the wrong party.

In my experience, women are usually okay, practical, balanced, and humble about making more than their male partner; it's frequently the man who can be touchy, upset, and conflicted about it, even if he says he's not and tries to act like he's not.

I think that a lot of women have intuition enough to sense that their partner is going to have a problem with her making more than he does, even if he never talks about it, or acts like he's happy about it. Because she has this intuition and concern, don't blame her for trying to avoid the situation's reaching that point (where she earns more than he does), because what she is trying to do is preserve his satisfaction and participation in their relationship.

20 years ago I worked for a major American company in Europe, and if a married couple both worked there (which was not very common then), the company's practice was to pay the husband more than the wife, even if she had a higher position. I knew a couple where she was the CFO of Europe and he was a sales manager in one country only, but the company deliberately gave him a higher salary to make things more traditional.

[Tom Matlack - Huffpost Blogger]

Okay I grant you that a woman bread winner might make women feel disoriented but how about for the growing group of stay-at-home dads out there? Look at this thing from the male perspective. The expectation has increasingly become that to be "good" husbands and fathers we need to be equal partners in our home life while still trying to maintain a career in a deteriorating economy. From Wall Street to Detroit there are guys who just got told they are no longer needed. I have all the sympathy in the world for women who have experience the glass ceiling. But we have heard for years about how hard it is for women to deal with the conflicting expectations of home and work. When was the last time you read a book or saw a guest on Oprah talking about the position of American men these days?

[Tabby Biddle - Huffpost Blogger]

I think it is a great idea Tom to talk more about the position of American men these days. It is changing. I would like to hear from the stay-at-home dads and also the men who are finding themselves in a new situation having lost their job. Our classic "male" and "female" roles are shifting. I think the more people share their personal stories and perspective, the better off we all are so we can all move forward in a positive way with open communication and understanding of what each of us is up against.

Thanks for writing in.