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Andy Borowitz

Carrie Prejean Storms Off Own Sex Tape; Calls Vibrator's Behavior 'Inappropriate'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.12.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Carrie Prejean Sex Tape, Andy Borowitz, Larry King, Carrie Prejean, Cnn, Miss California, Vibrators, Sex, Carrie Prejean Tape, Prejean Sex Tape, Sex Tape, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

One day after clashing with CNN host Larry King, former Miss California Carrie Prejean showed another flash of anger today, storming off the set of her own sex tape.

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Lou Dobbs Returns to His Planet; 'My Work Here is Done'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.11.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Lou Dobbs, Aliens, Andy Borowitz, Cnn, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Controversial CNN host Lou Dobbs bade the people of Earth farewell today as he embarked on a long voyage back to his planet of origin.

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Carrie Prejean's Vibrator Signs Book Deal

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.11.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Miss California, Sex Tapes, Vibrators, Andy Borowitz, Carrie Prejean, Prejean, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

The book, tentatively titled Still Buzzing, will offer what the publisher called a "vibrator's eye view" of the scandals and controversies that have dogged Ms. Prejean.

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Damning New Memo Compares Afghanistan to Jay Leno Show

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.10.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, General James Jones, Andy Borowitz, Robert Gibbs, Jay Leno, Afghanistan, Barack Obama, James Jones, Nbc, Jay Leno Show, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

A new memo on Afghanistan written by one of Obama's top advisors emphasizes the futility of a continued U.S. military presence there, at one point going so far as to compare the war to Jay Leno Show.

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Goldman Sachs Not Doing "God's Work," Says Satan

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.09.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Lloyd Blankfein, Satan, Goldman Sachs, Andy Borowitz, God, Wall Street, God's Work, Wall Street Bonuses, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

While Satan said he was "delighted" by the bonuses being paid out to Wall Street executives this year, he was clearly miffed that his role in the financial firms' successes had been largely ignored.

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Congressmen Admit They No Longer Remember Which Health Care Bill They Are Voting On

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.07.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Congress, Andy Borowitz, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Nancy Pelosi, Health Care Reform, Health Care Protesters, Davis Logsdon, University of Minnesota, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can't for the life of me remember whether this is the bill I liked or the bill I despised," said Rep. Rand DeVane (D-OH). "I'm only human."

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Wall Street Cheers as Employment Hits 90%

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.06.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Aig, Andy Borowitz, Unemployment, Wall Street, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

While some on Main Street grumbled that the country was struggling through a so-called "jobless recovery," Wall Street professionals were cracking open the champagne Friday.

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Carrie Prejean Drops Lawsuit, But Breasts Say They Will 'Continue to Fight'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.05.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Miss California, Breasts, Andy Borowitz, Carrie Prejean, Fake Breasts, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Ms. Prejean's defiant hooters held a press conference in Sacramento this morning to lay out their legal strategy and to refute the way they have been characterized in the media.

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Maine Bans Same-Sex Oscar Hosts

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.04.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Steve Martin, The Academy Awards, Andy Borowitz, Michael Bloomberg, The Oscars, Alec Baldwin, New York City, Same-Sex Marriage, Maine, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Voters in Maine turned out in record numbers yesterday to repeal a law legalizing same-sex Oscar hosts, throwing the plans for this year's Academy Awards into turmoil.

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Obama Says He Has Fulfilled Campaign's Vague Catchphrases

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.03.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Yes We Can, Andy Borowitz, Change You Can Believe In, Barack Obama, One Year Later, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"When I was running for President, no one knew exactly what 'Change You Can Believe In' meant," Mr. Obama said. "One year later, I am proud to say that that is still the case."

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U.S. Sends Paparazzi to Find Bin Laden

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.02.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Hamid Karzai, Andy Borowitz, Paparazzi, Tmz, Afghanistan, George Clooney, Lake Como, Osama Bin Laden, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

In a bold new strategy designed to locate the world's most wanted man, the United States today dispatched a team of paparazzi to find Osama bin Laden.

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Fox News Reports: American Wins NY Marathon, Kenyan Wins US Presidency

Andy Borowitz | Posted 11.01.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Birthers, Fox News, Andy Borowitz, Orly Taitz, Kenya, New York Marathon, Obama Kenyan Birth Certificate, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

After Fox reported that Meb Keflezighi, an American runner, had placed first in the marathon, conservative activists questioned Mr. Keflezighi's status as a U.S. citizen, which he became in 1998.

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Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN for Cartoon Network

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.31.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Scooby Doo, Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Cnn, Lou Dobbs, Cartoon Network, Davis Logsdon, Tom and Jerry, University of Minnesota, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Dobbs will be joining a schedule that includes such programs as Tom and Jerry and What's New, Scooby-Doo?

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Lieberman Announces Formation of A**hole Party

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.29.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Assholes, Joe Lieberman, Andy Borowitz, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Sen. Lieberman added that "for years, a**holes in America have had no voice, and I want to be that whiny, nasal voice."

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Sony to Release This Is It Sequel, This Is Also It

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.28.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Andy Borowitz, This Is It, Faa, Sony Pictures Entertainment, Walter Cronkite, Billy Mays, Facebook, Sony, Directv, Chris Farley, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"When we put together This Is It, we thought it was it, but it turns out it wasn't it," said Sony spokesperson Carol Foyler.

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Northwest Pilots Not in Cockpit; Found at Home Hiding in Box

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.27.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Northwest Airlines, Andy Borowitz, This Is It, Balloon Boy, Pilots, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

The mystery surrounding the flight that strayed 150 miles from its intended destination was resolved today as Northwest reported that the two pilots were never in the cockpit to begin with.

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Obama: Don't Ask, Don't Tell How I Feel About Public Option

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.26.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Andy Borowitz, Public Option, Health Care Reform, Kate Hudson, Barack Obama, A-Rod, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

As the negotiations over health care reform reach a crucial stage, Mr. Obama said that for his own part he was in favor of "the silent option."

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Iran Trying to Install Microsoft Windows 7

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.24.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Iran, Windows Vista, Andy Borowitz, Windows 7, Microsoft, Tehran, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Spy-satellite photos reveal a shipment of Windows 7 software, as well as a dozen IT professionals from Redmond, Washington, arriving early Saturday morning in Tehran.

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Northwest's New Motto: "We'll Get You Within 150 Miles of There"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.24.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Passengers, Northwest Airlines, Andy Borowitz, Pilots, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Northwest Airlines today unveiled a new corporate slogan, which "reflects our dedication to getting our passengers as close as possible to their intended destination."

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New Yorker Festival Attracts Throngs Of Fans Despite Publishing Woes

AP | JOCELYN NOVECK | Posted 03.18.2010 | New York

Read More: Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker, John Turturro, Roger Angell New Yorker, Calvin Trillin, Stephen Colbert, New York, Ronger Angell, Msnbc, Calvin Trillin Food Tour, Manhattan, Stanley Tucci, Rachel Maddow, Elizabeth Edwards, The New Yorker Festival, Ariel Levy, Joan Cusak, New Yorker Festival Humor Revue, New York News

NEW YORK — The journalism industry may be in precarious shape, but you wouldn't have known it at the annual New Yorker Festival, where star wors...

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Swine Flu Virus Says He's 'Thrilled' With Vaccine Delays

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.21.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mainstream Media, Andy Borowitz, Jon and Kate Gosselin, Vaccines, Swine Flu, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Despite the avalanche of publicity he's received in recent weeks, the virus dismissed charges that he's a publicity whore.

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Karzai Declared Winner of Next Month's Runoff

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.20.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Hamid Karzai, Runoff, Andy Borowitz, Octomom, Afghanistan, Balloon Boy, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

In a stunning victory, Afghan president Hamid Karzai today was declared the winner of the runoff election scheduled to take place November 7.

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New iPhone App Detects Balloon Hoaxes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.19.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Hamid Karzai, Iphone, Andy Borowitz, Balloon Hoax, Apple, Afghanistan, Falcon Heene, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Amid fears that publicity-starved parents may try to convince unwitting viewers that they have launched giant balloons with their children inside, Apple today introduced a new iPhone app that detects balloon hoaxes.

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Millions of Americans Waste Entire F*cking Afternoon

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.15.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Falcon Heene, Andy Borowitz, Balloon Boy, Colorado, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Moments after a little boy who was believed to be in his parents' homemade helium balloon was found safe and sound, millions of Americans came to the realization that they had flushed the entire afternoon down the toilet.

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Big Bank Profits Spark Rally in Cocaine, Hooker Sectors

Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.15.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Investment Banks, Hookers, Merrill Lynch, Andy Borowitz, Bailout, Banks, Limousines, Mistresses, Cocaine, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

The historic profits notched by the nation's biggest banks are starting to have a positive impact on the broader economy, with the cocaine and hooker sectors showing striking gains.

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