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Andy Borowitz

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Drunk-Ass Biden Crashes White House Beer Party

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.30.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, James Crowley, White House, Andy Borowitz, Joe Biden, Henry Louis Gates, Barack Obama, Beer, Comedy News

Furious that the party had started without him, Mr. Biden reached into a tub of cold beers and smashed a bottle over the edge of Mr. Obama's desk.

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Gates Case Officially Jumped the Shark, Experts Say

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.30.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Tom Wolfe, White House, Andy Borowitz, Henry Louis Gates, Jump-the-Shark, Barack Obama, Comedy News

According to Mr. Klugian, "The Gates case is now like the first draft of a bad novel that Tom Wolfe would have kept in his drawer."

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New York Times Publishing $2 Hard-copy Version of Free Digital Edition

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.29.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Carlos Slim Helu, New York Times, Andy Borowitz, Carlos Slim, Henry Louis Gates, Carlos Slim Helu New York Times, Barack Obama, Comedy News

The New York Times is making a massive gamble that consumers will be interested in reading a hard-copy version of its free online edition -- and willing to pay $2 a day for it.

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Obama Names Thursday "Drink A Beer With Someone Who Arrested You Day"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.28.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Henry Louis Gates, Barack Obama, Beer, Comedy News

Explaining his decision, the President told reporters, "When tempers run a little high, there's one thing that always helps people think a little more rationally: beer."

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Henry Louis Gates Arrested for Stealing Quart of Milk from Own Refrigerator

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.23.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Henry Louis Gates, Cambridge Police, Henry Louis Gates Arrested, Henry Gates, Comedy News

"He was acting suspiciously in his kitchen, removing items from the cupboard such as a glass," said Cambridge police spokesman Ryan Slatson. "When he made a move for the refrigerator, we pounced."

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Obama Proposes Replacing Anesthesia with Press Conferences

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.23.2009 | Politics

Read More: Chihuahua, Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Health Care, Helen Thomas, Barack Obama, Taco Bell, Politics News

The president said that clinical trials showed that patients who are exposed to one of his pressers usually lose consciousness within three minutes.

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Cambridge Police Conduct Sweep of Harvard Professors

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.21.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Harvard, Henry Louis Gates, Cambridge, Racial Profiling, Comedy News

"These academics may be armed and dangerous," Cambridge police chief Ryan Slatson warned. "They may also be long-winded and boring."

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Bloggers Fail to Convince Their Mothers They Met with Obama

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.21.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Liberal Blogosphere, Carpal Tunnel, Andy Borowitz, Health Care, Bloggers, Barack Obama, Comedy News

"Yesterday I told my mom that I was going to meet Obama and she was like, 'Yeah, tell me another one,'" said one blogger. "I think she thought I was just going to see Harry Potter again."

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Britney Spears' Conversion Diary

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.20.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Hannah Montana, Conversion to Judaism, Andy Borowitz, Britney Spears, Judaism, Rabbi, Comedy News

You don't have to call Jewish people "Jewish people." It turns out they don't mind being called plain old "Jews." LOL.

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Larry King to Air Archival Footage of Cronkite Talking about Michael Jackson

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.18.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Motown Records, Michael Jackson, Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Larry King, Motown, Cnn, Walter Cronkite, Moonwalk, Comedy News

"It wasn't easy, but we did some digging and it turns out Walter did mention Michael once or twice," Mr. King said. "This is going to be a real treat for our viewers."

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Summers Upgrades Economy From 'Catastrophic' to 'Sucks'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.17.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, White House, Larry Summers, Andy Borowitz, Economy, Comedy News

Summers was upbeat about the U.S. economy today, saying that the economic situation is no longer catastrophic.

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Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.16.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mark Sanford, Treasury Department, Goldman Sachs, Andy Borowitz, Jake Tapper, ABC News, Mergers, Comedy News

According to a Goldman spokesperson, the merger between Goldman and the Treasury Department is "a good fit" because "they're in the business of printing money and so are we."

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CNN Urges Senators to Ask Sotomayor More Questions About Michael Jackson

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.15.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Supreme Court, Michael Jackson, Andy Borowitz, Larry King, Senate Judiciary Committee, Sonya Sotomayor, Cnn, Bernard Madoff, Obama Supreme Court Nominee, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Wolf Blitzer, Senators, Comedy News

"Our viewers want to know who's going to have custody of Blanket and the other Jackson children, and none of that is being addressed in these hearings," said CNN's Larry King.

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AIG Bonus Recipients Upbeat About Economy

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.13.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Aig, Andy Borowitz, Economic Stimulus Package, Economy, Bernard Madoff, Stimulus, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Satire, Comedy News

Mr. Harbock says that his consumer confidence has also taken a positive turn since receiving his bonus check, which totaled $5.4 million.

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Ensign Favors Stimulus of His Package

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.12.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Economic Stimulus Package, Sex Scandal, John Ensign, Stimulus Package, Bernard Madoff, Stimulus, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Republicans, Satire, Comedy News

"I misread my package's needs," the senator said. "It needs significantly more stimulus than I originally thought."

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New Downbeat Unemployment Numbers Include Republican Mistresses

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.10.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, G.O.P., John Ensign, Bernie Madoff, John Ensign Mistress, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Republicans, Comedy News

Unemployment surged over the past two weeks, but the Department of Labor was careful to point out that much of that increase was due to "forced layoffs of Republican mistresses."

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North Korea Reveals It Has Been Running Microsoft Customer Service for Years

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.09.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Windows Vista, Andy Borowitz, Windows 7, Microsoft, Bernard Madoff, Kim Jong Il, Bernie Madoff, Customer Service, Who-Moved-My-Soap, North Korea, Comedy News

In a frontal assault on America's computers, North Korea revealed today that it successfully infiltrated Microsoft customer service and has been running the company's calling centers for years.

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New iPhone App Translates Palin Speech into English

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.08.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Iphone, Andy Borowitz, Apple Iphone, Apple, Palin, Sarah Palin, Bernard Madoff, Bernie Madoff, Cupertino-California, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Ipal, Comedy News

According to Apple, a user of the iPal app can hold his iPhone up to a television when Ms. Palin is appearing and receive a real-time English translation in text form.

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People With No Lives Ponder Future After Jackson Memorial

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.07.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Comedy News

As the Michael Jackson memorial concludes today, millions of people who have no lives are in a quandary about how they will fill the inevitable void.

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World Eagerly Awaits End Of Michael Jackson Tributes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.06.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Honduras, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Network News, Comedy News

Tracy Klugian, 37, a hardware salesman in Brookline, Massachusetts, has been holding a candlelight vigil for the news ever since the 24/7 Michael Jackson coverage began.

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New England Journal of Medicine Reports Mental Health Epidemic Among Republican Governors

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.05.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mental Illness, Mark Sanford, Andy Borowitz, Mental Health, Prison, Tourette-Syndrome, Sarah Palin, New England Journal of Medicine, Bernard Madoff, Bernie Madoff, Republican Party, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Republicans, Comedy News

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include "bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations," including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures.

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Obama: White House Prescription Plan Less Expensive Than Michael Jackson's

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.04.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, White House, Andy Borowitz, Barck Obama, Neverland, Prescription Drugs, Bernard Madoff, Prescription Painkillers, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Michael Jackson Neverland, Comedy News

"We've done an inventory of the left-over painkillers at Neverland Ranch," Mr. Obama said. "There's enough junk there to tranquilize the entire nation until the year 2050."

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This Preposterous Week in Review: Michael Bay, Al Franken and Joe Jackson!

Paul Slansky | Posted 08.03.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Andy Borowitz, Pat Boone, Senator Franken, Joe Jackson, Jesse Jackson Jr., Al Franken, Iraq Withdrawal, Michael Bay, Comedy News

Here's my look at this wild week: An index of people, places, things and why you should care about them.

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Comedians Mourn Palin's Resignation

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.03.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Comedians, Andy Borowitz, Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, Bernard Madoff, Alaska, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Sarah Palin Alaska, Sarah Palin Resigns, Sarah Palin Resignation, Palin Resignation, Palin's Resignation, Palin Resign, Comedy News

Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called "a devastating loss."

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