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Andy Borowitz

People With No Lives Ponder Future After Jackson Memorial

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.07.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

As the Michael Jackson memorial concludes today, millions of people who have no lives are in a quandary about how they will fill the inevitable void.

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World Eagerly Awaits End Of Michael Jackson Tributes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.06.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Honduras, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Network News, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Tracy Klugian, 37, a hardware salesman in Brookline, Massachusetts, has been holding a candlelight vigil for the news ever since the 24/7 Michael Jackson coverage began.

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New England Journal of Medicine Reports Mental Health Epidemic Among Republican Governors

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.05.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mental Illness, Mark Sanford, Andy Borowitz, Mental Health, Prison, Tourette-Syndrome, Sarah Palin, New England Journal of Medicine, Bernard Madoff, Bernie Madoff, Republican Party, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Republicans, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include "bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations," including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures.

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Obama: White House Prescription Plan Less Expensive Than Michael Jackson's

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.04.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, White House, Andy Borowitz, Barck Obama, Neverland, Prescription Drugs, Bernard Madoff, Prescription Painkillers, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Michael Jackson Neverland, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"We've done an inventory of the left-over painkillers at Neverland Ranch," Mr. Obama said. "There's enough junk there to tranquilize the entire nation until the year 2050."

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This Preposterous Week in Review: Michael Bay, Al Franken and Joe Jackson!

Paul Slansky | Posted 08.03.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Andy Borowitz, Pat Boone, Senator Franken, Joe Jackson, Jesse Jackson Jr., Al Franken, Iraq Withdrawal, Michael Bay, Comedy News
Paul Slansky

Here's my look at this wild week: An index of people, places, things and why you should care about them.

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Comedians Mourn Palin's Resignation

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.03.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Comedians, Andy Borowitz, Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, Bernard Madoff, Alaska, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Sarah Palin Alaska, Sarah Palin Resigns, Sarah Palin Resignation, Palin Resignation, Palin's Resignation, Palin Resign, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called "a devastating loss."

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Madoff's Soul Turns Up on Craigslist

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.03.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Satan, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Joe Jackson, Craigslist, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

The seller, Satan, said that he had bought Mr. Madoff's soul forty years ago and was "disappointed" that it had turned out to be worthless.

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Sanford: "I'm Too Sexy for My State"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.02.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Elliot Spitzer, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle.

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Sanford: I Was A Nonstop F*cking Machine

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.01.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mark Sanford, Andy Borowitz, Penis, Associated Press, Lieutenant Governor, Bernard Madoff, Bernie Madoff, Tan Lines, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"I crossed lines with women," Governor Sanford said. "And when I say lines, I mean tan lines."

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Madoff to Share Cell With O.J.

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.01.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, O.J. Simpson, Heisman Trophy, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Madoff and the former Heisman Trophy winner reportedly hit it off well, with Mr. Simpson vowing to help Mr. Madoff "search for the real swindlers."

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Ruth Madoff: 'This Is Not the Man I Owned Nine Homes With'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.29.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Ruth Madoff, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, New York-New York, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."

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How I Saved Bernie Madoff's Life

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.29.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Ponzi Scheme, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Bernie Madoff Prison, Bernie Madoff Sentencing, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Published today, just in time for Bernie's sentencing, my book is a self-help guide entitled: Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition.

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Weather Channel to Air Retrospective of Weather Conditions During Michael Jackson's Lifetime

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.27.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Mark Sanford, Andy Borowitz, Weather Channel, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

The retrospective, titled "Bad and Dangerous: Fifty Years of Weather During the Michael Jackson Era," will begin airing this Monday.

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People Who Never Met Michael Jackson Vie for On-Air Time

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.26.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Andy Borowitz, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Tracy Klujian, who briefly served as a personal trainer to Mr. Jackson's former accountant, said that Michael Jackson's death had left "a permanent hole in my soul."

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Sanford Transfers Extramarital Affair to Lieutenant Governor

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.25.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Argentina, Mark Sanford, Extramarital Affair, Andre-Bauer, Andy Borowitz, Appalachian Trail, South Carolina, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

In a press conference this morning, Mr. Bauer was philosophical about his new duties, telling reporters, "Well, boys, I guess I'll be hitting the Appalachian Trail."

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Sanford's Penis Resigns From Republican Governors Association

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.24.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mark Sanford, Andy Borowitz, John Ensign, Penis, Republican Governors Association, Republicans, South Carolina, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

The announcement by Mr. Sanford's penis drew mixed reactions, including from Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev): "Why would you go all the way to Argentina when there's perfectly good tail on your staff?"

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Ayatollah to Obama: Don't Tell Me What to Do with My Fist

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.24.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Iran, Andy Borowitz, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Fist, Barack Obama, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"Anyone who thinks that the Ayatollah's fist is going to be unclenched does not know this particular fist," one source said. "It's a stubborn fist.

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Ayatollah: Green Twitter Avatars 'Number One Threat' to Regime

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.23.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Tehran, Iran, Andy Borowitz, Twitter, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Green Twitter Avatars, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Khamenei said that Iran's government had stared down many challenges to its authority since the 1979 revolution, but none have been as "terrifying and intimidating" as the ubiquitous green avatars.

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Earthquake in California Turns Out to be Aftershock from Transformers Sequel

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.23.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Napa, California, Transformers 2, Earthquake, Napa Valley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Los Angeles, Michael Bay, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Scientists say that an earthquake that rocked Napa County, California Monday night was actually an aftershock from a screening of the new Transformers sequel, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

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Jon Gosselin Seeks Condo Board Friendly to Douchebags

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.22.2009 | New York

Read More: Manhattan, Borowitz Report, New York, Andy Borowitz, Bailout, Jon Gosselin, Tribeca, Real Estate, New York News
Andy Borowitz

Reality star Jon Gosselin, who has been looking for a New York apartment in recent days, has given the following marching orders to his realtor: find a condo board that is friendly to douchebags.

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In Bid to Stay Current, Ayatollah Joins MySpace

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.22.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Iran, Andy Borowitz, Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Britney Spears, Myspace, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"If you can't beat them, join them," the Ayatollah said. "Having said that, we will also continue to beat them."

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John Edwards Deluged With Father's Day Cards

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.21.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, John Edwards, Andy Borowitz, Madonna, Father's Day, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Edwards said he was "undecided" as to what to do about the many children who sent him cards today, but indicated that he was in talks with Madonna.

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Apple Recalls iPhone; Forgot to Include 'Phone' Feature

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.20.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Iphone, Andy Borowitz, Apple, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Apple's engineers had crammed the iPhone with a plethora of what they called "non-phonal features," such as a food processor, a taser, and a tactical nuclear weapon.

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Raw Toll House Health Warning Could Slow Consumption of Weed Cookies

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.20.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Marijuana, Nestle, Toll-House-Cookie-Dough, Weed, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"The days of cracking open a tube of dough and smashing some weed in there and eating the whole thing without baking it are probably over," he acknowledged. "This is a very, very sad day."

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Ayatollah Warns Iranians: "I am Following You All on Twitter"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.21.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran, Andy Borowitz, Twitter, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Ayatollah Khomeini, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

To back up his words, the Supreme Leader then displayed his Twitter page, showing that he was indeed following 65,875,224 people, but had only one follower, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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