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Andy Borowitz

Bin Laden Says He's 'Professionally Envious' of BP

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"There are times in an evildoer's life when one has to stand back and admire a job well done," Mr. bin Laden says in his latest video. "BP, you blow me away."

US Unable to Stop Flow of Sex and the City Sequels

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

President Obama declared a state of emergency today as officials struggled to stop the toxic flow of Sex and the City sequels.

Joe the Plumber Strangely Silent About Leak

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

While Mr. Wurzelbacher was known for being outspoken about tax policy and other matters during the 2008 campaign, he has been surprisingly tight-lipped about the leak, supposedly his area of professional expertise.

Experts Propose Plugging Oil Leak with BP Executives

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We've tried containment domes, rubber tires, even golf balls," said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. "It's time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best."

Former Lost Viewers Get Sci-Fi Fix From Fox News

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Bereft of their favorite television series after its climactic finale on Sunday, millions of Lost fans are now getting their sci-fi fix from a different source: Fox News Channel.

Mitch McConnell's Strategy Endangers Democracy Itself

Yuna Shin | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Yuna Shin

Rep. Mitch McConnell better be careful. In trying to bring the GOP back to relevance by stoking people's distrust of the government, he may get more than he bargained for.

Poll: Rand Paul Surges Ahead of Palin Among Voters Who Describe Themselves as Morons

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, 42% preferred Paul, 36% preferred Palin, and the remaining 22% were unsure what the word "prefer" meant.

Angered by Steroid Accusations, Lance Armstrong Throws Car at Reporter

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Minutes after the incident, a spokesperson for the biking champion maintained that Mr. Armstrong's surprising feat of strength did not prove he was taking performance-enhancing drugs: "The Sonata is a pretty small car."

Blumenthal Clarifies: Was Veterinarian, Not Veteran

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I meant to say that I was a veterinarian, not a veteran," Blumenthal told a press conference in Hartford. "I left off the last three syllables to conserve time, so I could go back to work for the people of Connecticut."

China to Stop Spying on its People; Will Use Facebook Instead

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The Chinese government announced today that it would disband its extensive domestic spying program that gathers personal information on its citizens and would instead use Facebook.

Bush Proposes Invading Gulf of Mexico to Remove Oil

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I think we should invade the Gulf of Mexico," Mr. Bush told reporters at his Crawford, Texas ranch. "If you really want to remove some oil, that's the best way of doing it."

Citing Kagan's Lack of Judging Experience, GOP Proposes Paula Abdul

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Howling in protest over Obama Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan's lack of judging experience, leading Republicans today urged the President to withdraw Kagan and instead nominate Paula Abdul.

Republicans Insert Name 'Kagan' Into Speeches Opposing Obama's Supreme Court Pick

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In a speech released hours before Kagan was selected, House Minority Leader John Boehner states, "I opposed the nomination of BLANK because I believe BLANK would lead the court down a dangerous path towards judicial activism."

Tea Party Punk Rock

HuffPost Citizen Reporting | Nikki Zeichner | Posted 05.25.2011 | New York

Produced by HuffPost's Local Citizen Reporting Team According to Andy Borowitz and others, conservatives are all about appropriating punk tactics to ...

Married Jonas Brother Says Sex Not Worth the Wait

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that "to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

Mating Between Humans and Neanderthals Could Explain Glenn Beck

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We believe that sex between a human and a Neanderthal may have resulted in several of the Fox News Channel's primetime hosts, including Glenn Beck," said a leading genetic researcher at UC Santa Cruz.

Authorities Say They Followed Times Square Bomber, but Only on Twitter

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

A spokesman for the surveillance team following the suspected terrorist said that they were closely monitoring Mr. Shahzad's tweets, "but he must have figured something out because all of a sudden he blocked us."

iPad Sets Sales Record for Totally Unnecessary Item

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"As amazing as these numbers are, it's even more impressive when you realize that no one actually needs this thing," Mr. Jobs chuckled while crowing to reporters on a recent conference call.

Greece Offers to Repay Loans with Giant Horse

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In what many are hailing as a breakthrough solution to its crippling debt crisis, Greece today offered to repay loans from the European Union nations by giving them a gigantic horse.

Goldman Sachs Reveals it Shorted Gulf of Mexico

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In what is looming as another public relations predicament for Goldman Sachs, the banking giant admitted today that it made "a substantial financial bet against the Gulf of Mexico" one day before the sinking of an oil rig in that body of water.

Somali Pirates Say They Are Subsidiary of Goldman Sachs

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

An audible gasp could be heard in court when the leader of the pirates announced, "We are doing God's work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein."

Goldman to Employ So-Called 'Douchebag Defense'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

If the bank decides to go forward with the douchebag defense, "Exhibit A" will be Goldman banker Fabrice "Fabulous Fab" Tourre.

Goldman CEO to Perform Community Service as Treasury Secretary

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

A Treasury spokesperson said that by performing community service as Treasury Secretary, Mr. Blankfein will have significantly less power to harm the economy than he had as Chairman of Goldman.

Burning Documents Create Giant Smoke Plume over Goldman Sachs

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The giant plume began to appear just minutes after the SEC announced on Friday that it had filed a civil lawsuit against the investment bank and grew to a monstrous size as the weekend wore on.

Volcanic Ash Cloud Turns Out to Be Finale of Lost

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Bracing themselves for the public uproar over a special-effects spectacle gone awry, ABC officials today attempted to explain how the producers' desire for a fitting ending to the increasingly convoluted series led to an aviation nightmare.