The third installment of "Bachelor Pad" has taken its final bow and has crowned a new schmuck as its heartless winner.

The familiar piano intro filled the arena and a bunch of old guys started singing "Sister Christian." Not only did they sound like Night Ranger, they were Night Ranger. With a little Botox.

I weep for the future of this great country and the public education system, and hope that even though I subject myself to watching this monstrosity, I am not losing a significant amount of functioning brain cells.

I've been recapping this franchise for a long, long time. Not in recent memory have I been so eager to hit the fast forward button on my DVR to see what happens next.

We learn Sarah has a history of getting it on in public places and Jamie managed to serve the ABC producers a heaping pile of pitiful with a side of crazy on a rather large sliver platter. Welcome to week four of Bachelor Pad.

Chris notes that the only way to shut Jamie up is to stick his tongue down her throat, while she visualizes finalizing the bridesmaid gown color swatches on her Pinterest board.

In what had to have been the funniest episode of Bachelor Pad ever, the twins bicker about nothing, the guys and girls take up ribbon dancing, and the twins bicker. Again.

Only Chris Harrison can get away with saying, "Hop into your nut sack" with both a huge smile and twinkle in his eye on national television. Welcome to week three of "Bachelor Pad."

At one point during the Season 3 premiere episode of ABC's "Bachelor Pad," I wondered if we should all be tested for STDs just for watching this ridiculous filthy train wreck of a show.