Ben Berkon

In football news, the struggling Cleveland Browns have decided to shake up their starting offense by replacing the inconsistent QB Derek Anderson with a heaping pile of sh*t.

In technology news, the worlds of overbearing parents and their slutty offspring have finally collided with the release of the iSlut. The iSlut is an...

According to sources close to Palin, the first chapter will cover how Palin sat in a beauty salon all day while her first book was written by a much smarter person who was in dire need of money.

In international election news, the Afghan presidential election is heating up, and won't be decided until the very last fake vote is cast.

In White House news, upon hearing about the six-year old boy from Colorado who flew away in his parent's helium balloon, President Obama decided to es...

In political news, Republican Senator from Maine, Olympia Snowe, has publicly decided to sign the Senate Finance Committee's health care bill, controversially depriving the United States of its poor health care.

"The fruit stand guy has a nicer cell phone than I do" has long been a running joke in my family. It is also, in a weird un-fruit-like way, reflective of our current, crazy society.

I thought I looked a little fat in my New York Times profile, but I've heard that "human fear" adds fifteen pounds -- especially when you're part fission, part fusion.

It's been pissing me off how much media press Swine Flu has been getting. I mean, I killed 354 people yesterday, and I don't even get the back page in the New York Post.

"There was an astonishingly high percentage of misinformed children who are in for a real surprise," said STAThead executive Bill Myers.

"If this is a trend [with Google], I don't know how I'm going to convince people that 'gorgeous sluts are waiting to meet you,'" said an anonymous spammer.

It may seem like a desperate and even illegal method to recruit presidential candidates, but the Republican Party has been scrambling for ways to compete with their "unfortunately diverse" political rival.

The idea of physically entering someone's body, though seemingly impossible and potentially life-threatening, is being seen as a "revolutionary advancement in D-list celebrity addiction treatment."