According to the documents made available by WikiLeaks, upon leaving office Mr. Mubarak will receive $40 billion but will not be allowed to serve as dictator of another country for six months.

In the days since it became clear that Mr. Mubarak did not receive the White House's initial message, Mr. Obama has been huddling with advisers to discuss a range of more drastic options, including changing the message's font altogether.

Even President Barack Obama, renowned for his careful choice of words, seems to be losing patience with Mr. Mubarak: "I never thought I'd say this about someone, but Hosni Mubarak is an even bigger jacka** than Kanye."

Rep. Bachmann called the proposal "a reflection of core Tea Party values" and said it would "deliver the American people from the tyranny of arithmetic, spelling, and punctuation.

In an acknowledgment of the country's ballooning budget deficit, President Obama announced that tonight would be the first ever Tostitos™ State of the Union Address.

For seven grueling days, GOP congressmen have been behind closed doors, refining their best winces, grimaces, and other sourpuss mannerisms under the tutelage of Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio).

The Chinese president ended a speech today on an upbeat note about the relationship between the two countries: "In conclusion, America owes me the first month's rent and the security deposit."

A new GOP memo says that the Party will now have "zero tolerance" for Republicans who say that Mr. Obama "pals around with terrorists," instructing members to say instead, "Obama friends terrorists on Facebook."

"For years, 'I Have a Dream' has been synonymous with the legacy of Martin Luther King," said the official Fox statement. "We can think of no better way to honor that legacy than by offering a strongly-worded rebuttal."

This was only one of a series of conciliatory moves made today by what promises to be a kinder, gentler Fox News. A network spokesman said that starting this week, Fox would air one minute of civil discourse every Sunday at 4 AM.

"When you hunt a moose, blood libel to pour out of it," Sarah Palin told reporters at a press conference in her hometown today.

"Gasoline and matches don't start fires," said Fox host Glenn Beck. "People start fires."

Fox is preparing for a "worst-case scenario" in which it was pressured to air responsible statements in place of its current programming: "If it comes to that, God forbid, we'll just air 24 hours of 24."

After days of mounting frustration from iPhone owners, Apple chief Steve Jobs today finally announced a fix for the phone's annoying alarm glitch.

Apple, Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

Some New Year's thoughts from Andy Borowitz: MMXI is also how Sarah Palin spells "America."

"To be honest, it's something I've always kind of wondered about," Gov. Palin said. "Hawaii just isn't an American-sounding name, like Alaska."

Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."

With blizzard conditions blanketing the Northeast, a powerful front of mind-numbing weather-related banter is expected to pound the Eastern Seaboard, with statements of the obvious stretching from the Carolinas to New England.

"We couldn't find three wise men," Tea Party holiday coordinator Carol Foyler told reporters. "It's too bad, because we had plenty of sheep."

On the heels of forming its new WikiLeaks Task Force (WTF), the CIA said it was establishing a new division called Stop Terrorists From Uniting (STFU).

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Prince of Darkness defended Goldman's bonuses today, inviting reporters to meet with him at his apartment in New York's Trump Tower.

Commenting on the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) said the following: "Today is a very sad day." Dear John McCain: Dude, we didn't ask you, so don't tell us.

Saying that he hopes to build the site into a "portal of deceit," Mr. Assange said, "this will be a must-visit destination on the Internet for sworn enemies to friend each other."