Borowitz Report

The book, tentatively titled Still Buzzing, will offer what the publisher called a "vibrator's eye view" of the scandals and controversies that have dogged Ms. Prejean.

A new memo on Afghanistan written by one of Obama's top advisors emphasizes the futility of a continued U.S. military presence there, at one point going so far as to compare the war to Jay Leno Show.

"Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can't for the life of me remember whether this is the bill I liked or the bill I despised," said Rep. Rand DeVane (D-OH). "I'm only human."

While some on Main Street grumbled that the country was struggling through a so-called "jobless recovery," Wall Street professionals were cracking open the champagne Friday.

Ms. Prejean's defiant hooters held a press conference in Sacramento this morning to lay out their legal strategy and to refute the way they have been characterized in the media.

Voters in Maine turned out in record numbers yesterday to repeal a law legalizing same-sex Oscar hosts, throwing the plans for this year's Academy Awards into turmoil.

"When I was running for President, no one knew exactly what 'Change You Can Believe In' meant," Mr. Obama said. "One year later, I am proud to say that that is still the case."

In a bold new strategy designed to locate the world's most wanted man, the United States today dispatched a team of paparazzi to find Osama bin Laden.

After Fox reported that Meb Keflezighi, an American runner, had placed first in the marathon, conservative activists questioned Mr. Keflezighi's status as a U.S. citizen, which he became in 1998.

Mr. Dobbs will be joining a schedule that includes such programs as Tom and Jerry and What's New, Scooby-Doo?

Sen. Lieberman added that "for years, a**holes in America have had no voice, and I want to be that whiny, nasal voice."

"When we put together This Is It, we thought it was it, but it turns out it wasn't it," said Sony spokesperson Carol Foyler.

The mystery surrounding the flight that strayed 150 miles from its intended destination was resolved today as Northwest reported that the two pilots were never in the cockpit to begin with.

As the negotiations over health care reform reach a crucial stage, Mr. Obama said that for his own part he was in favor of "the silent option."

Spy-satellite photos reveal a shipment of Windows 7 software, as well as a dozen IT professionals from Redmond, Washington, arriving early Saturday morning in Tehran.

Northwest Airlines today unveiled a new corporate slogan, which "reflects our dedication to getting our passengers as close as possible to their intended destination."

Despite the avalanche of publicity he's received in recent weeks, the virus dismissed charges that he's a publicity whore.

In a stunning victory, Afghan president Hamid Karzai today was declared the winner of the runoff election scheduled to take place November 7.

Amid fears that publicity-starved parents may try to convince unwitting viewers that they have launched giant balloons with their children inside, Apple today introduced a new iPhone app that detects balloon hoaxes.

Moments after a little boy who was believed to be in his parents' homemade helium balloon was found safe and sound, millions of Americans came to the realization that they had flushed the entire afternoon down the toilet.

The historic profits notched by the nation's biggest banks are starting to have a positive impact on the broader economy, with the cocaine and hooker sectors showing striking gains.

Orly Taitz, leader of the so-called "birther" movement, said that Sen. Snowe's vote was "textbook Kenyan" behavior. "She's putting her tribe first," Ms. Taitz said.

The acquisition of the Rams would represent the culmination of a dream for Mr. Limbaugh, who had previously tried to acquire the Minnesota NFL team and rename it the Minnesota Vicodins.

The United Nations Security Council met in emergency session today amid fears that Iran may be close to developing a boy band.

In Nashville, country music insiders were shocked by Mr. Obama's selection, given that he has only been in office for eight months and during that time has yet to record a single country song.