Borowitz Report

The Borowitz Report has obtained the first draft of Tiger Woods' official statement regarding his recent woes.

Media critics are expressing concern that the focus on Afghanistan could distract the media from getting to the bottom of the Tiger Woods story.

"After two days of refusing to speak to the media about suspicious aspects of my personal life, I have proved to myself that I am qualified for a career in politics," Mr. Woods told reporters in Orlando.

In a potentially embarrassing situation for the Obama White House, a turkey pardoned by President Obama earlier this week went on a killing spree on Thanksgiving, killing nine.

"I have thankfulness that we live in a country where we have the freedom to speak, even though Todd has never done so actually."

In a conference call with reporters, Mr. Dobbs said that he had not thought about seeking public office until his fictitious playmate, Moo, pleaded with him to consider it.

A homeless man who began shouting at New Yorkers in 1985 said that Oprah Winfrey was the inspiration behind his decision to call it quits in early 2010.

As the health care reform bill makes its way through the U.S. Senate, Sen. Joseph Lieberman said today that he was "actively exploring" new ways to be as big a dick as humanly possible.

While Eric Holder did not indicate how long the detainees might be held at the DMV, he did say that the DMV "is capable of detaining them indefinitely."

Hours after scientists confirmed finding evidence of water on the moon, the United States and China each announced ambitious plans to become the first nation to pollute the moon's water.

One day after clashing with CNN host Larry King, former Miss California Carrie Prejean showed another flash of anger today, storming off the set of her own sex tape.

Controversial CNN host Lou Dobbs bade the people of Earth farewell today as he embarked on a long voyage back to his planet of origin.

The book, tentatively titled Still Buzzing, will offer what the publisher called a "vibrator's eye view" of the scandals and controversies that have dogged Ms. Prejean.

A new memo on Afghanistan written by one of Obama's top advisors emphasizes the futility of a continued U.S. military presence there, at one point going so far as to compare the war to Jay Leno Show.

"Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can't for the life of me remember whether this is the bill I liked or the bill I despised," said Rep. Rand DeVane (D-OH). "I'm only human."

While some on Main Street grumbled that the country was struggling through a so-called "jobless recovery," Wall Street professionals were cracking open the champagne Friday.

Ms. Prejean's defiant hooters held a press conference in Sacramento this morning to lay out their legal strategy and to refute the way they have been characterized in the media.

Voters in Maine turned out in record numbers yesterday to repeal a law legalizing same-sex Oscar hosts, throwing the plans for this year's Academy Awards into turmoil.

"When I was running for President, no one knew exactly what 'Change You Can Believe In' meant," Mr. Obama said. "One year later, I am proud to say that that is still the case."

In a bold new strategy designed to locate the world's most wanted man, the United States today dispatched a team of paparazzi to find Osama bin Laden.

After Fox reported that Meb Keflezighi, an American runner, had placed first in the marathon, conservative activists questioned Mr. Keflezighi's status as a U.S. citizen, which he became in 1998.

Mr. Dobbs will be joining a schedule that includes such programs as Tom and Jerry and What's New, Scooby-Doo?

Sen. Lieberman added that "for years, a**holes in America have had no voice, and I want to be that whiny, nasal voice."

"When we put together This Is It, we thought it was it, but it turns out it wasn't it," said Sony spokesperson Carol Foyler.

The mystery surrounding the flight that strayed 150 miles from its intended destination was resolved today as Northwest reported that the two pilots were never in the cockpit to begin with.