Borowitz Report

The mystery surrounding the flight that strayed 150 miles from its intended destination was resolved today as Northwest reported that the two pilots were never in the cockpit to begin with.

As the negotiations over health care reform reach a crucial stage, Mr. Obama said that for his own part he was in favor of "the silent option."

Spy-satellite photos reveal a shipment of Windows 7 software, as well as a dozen IT professionals from Redmond, Washington, arriving early Saturday morning in Tehran.

Northwest Airlines today unveiled a new corporate slogan, which "reflects our dedication to getting our passengers as close as possible to their intended destination."

Despite the avalanche of publicity he's received in recent weeks, the virus dismissed charges that he's a publicity whore.

In a stunning victory, Afghan president Hamid Karzai today was declared the winner of the runoff election scheduled to take place November 7.

Amid fears that publicity-starved parents may try to convince unwitting viewers that they have launched giant balloons with their children inside, Apple today introduced a new iPhone app that detects balloon hoaxes.

Moments after a little boy who was believed to be in his parents' homemade helium balloon was found safe and sound, millions of Americans came to the realization that they had flushed the entire afternoon down the toilet.

The historic profits notched by the nation's biggest banks are starting to have a positive impact on the broader economy, with the cocaine and hooker sectors showing striking gains.

Orly Taitz, leader of the so-called "birther" movement, said that Sen. Snowe's vote was "textbook Kenyan" behavior. "She's putting her tribe first," Ms. Taitz said.

The acquisition of the Rams would represent the culmination of a dream for Mr. Limbaugh, who had previously tried to acquire the Minnesota NFL team and rename it the Minnesota Vicodins.

The United Nations Security Council met in emergency session today amid fears that Iran may be close to developing a boy band.

In Nashville, country music insiders were shocked by Mr. Obama's selection, given that he has only been in office for eight months and during that time has yet to record a single country song.

A spokesman for the Nobel committee said she hoped that Mr. Obama's victory would be seen not only as a victory for him, but "as a tribute to the healing power of beer."

With its primetime and late night lineups in free fall, NBC is reportedly putting pressure on talk show host Jay Leno to have a scandalous affair, a network source confirmed today.

In what some experts are calling a bold and unorthodox strategy, the U.S. Department of Defense has hired the Conde Nast magazine group to end the unpopular war in Afghanistan.

"This is an amazing discovery," said Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. "It suggests that having sex with interns goes back a lot further than any of us thought."

A Texas judge's ruling that two gay men married in another state can get a divorce in Texas has drawn the ire of opponents of gay divorce there.

The group, which represents undertakers, embalmers and hearse drivers across the country, gave the plan a big thumbs up, saying in a press release, "Finally, a health care plan that works for us."

"We have hired the best linguists in the country, but this is still hard work," a spokesperson for the publisher acknowledged. "It must have been easier to crack the Enigma code in World War II."

Obama: "I am more determined than ever to get health care done in the next thousand years."

A day after the stunning security breach, U.N. officials were still attempting to sort out how it was allowed to happen.

In what amounts to a complete about-face, former presidential candidate John Edwards is about to admit that he is a total douche, aides to Mr. Edwards confirm.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is reportedly "furious" that few viewers watched his appearance last night on ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live!.

New York anchorman Ernie Anastos' now-infamous verbal slip, "Keep fucking that chicken," has raised the ire of one group who thinks it's no laughing matter: America's chicken-fuckers.