Borowitz Report

Mr. Ridge said that President George W. Bush "personally selected" the beard that Mr. Cheney went on to wear in the chilling video.

Rocket scientists, long considered the gold standard in intelligence, are not nearly as smart as originally thought, according to a new study published today by the American Association of Brain Surgeons.

Roger Ailes, chairman of the new combined network known as SciFox, said that it would roll out a slate of new shows in the fall, including Bill O'Reilly's "Galactica Factor."

Among reform opponents, a full 64% said they would approve of a plan only if it included free semiautomatic weapons for all Americans.

Choking back tears, Mr. Favre told a packed press conference in Minneapolis that he was hanging up his cleats once again, adding, "This decision is semifinal."

Over 50% of those surveyed "strongly agree" with the statement, "I have no idea what all of the excitement about 'Mad Men' is all about, but I'm terrified that if I admit it I'll look like an idiot."

After news that music legend Bob Dylan was picked up by a New Jersey policeman who failed to recognize him, the president has invited the two men to the White House for what aides are calling a "bong summit."

Just days after leaving her judge's post at "American Idol," singer Paula Abdul announced that her next gig will be serving on the nation's very first death panel.

Tracy Klugian, 42, was being questioned by police, who suspect he might have been trying to disrupt the gun show with an impromptu discussion of national health care reform.

Gov. Sanford said he hoped to spend more time with his family, "as soon as I can figure out where they are." He told reporters that his next scheduled press conference will be in 1892.

While most Americans still believe that President Obama exists, a new poll shows that most Birthers agree with the statement, "Obama is not a real person and is probably just a hologram or something."

Encouraged by their ability to disrupt town halls on health care, Republican organizers secured a Hollywood casting director to conduct a nationwide talent search for angry assholes.

"No missile has gotten anywhere near him," said Haikmullah Mehsud. "Like the rest of us, he has been highly frustrated by Twitter outages."

As speculation swirls about the future plans of ex-American Idol judge Paula Abdul, the former pop singer made it clear today that her plans do not include reality.

Murdoch stressed that readers would only be charged for "actual news" that appears on his sites, "which means that 99% of the content will remain free."

"Every time I look at the TelePrompTer, I see the words 'turning the corner,'" Mr. Obama said. "That, to me, is a sign that we are turning the corner."

"I have traveled a long way to get girls before, but this has got to be some kind of record," Mr. Clinton said.

In a sign that the Birther movement is catching on, a new poll shows that 50% of Republicans believe that President Obama is actually still 47.

"Either produce a birth certificate, or subject yourself to the continuing rumors that you suckled at a wild canine's teat," Mr. Dobbs said.

"Our concept was simple," says Tracy Klugian, 21, who founded Defacebook out of his dorm room at Colgate. "You start off being friends with every person in the world and you gradually block people."

Furious that the party had started without him, Mr. Biden reached into a tub of cold beers and smashed a bottle over the edge of Mr. Obama's desk.

According to Mr. Klugian, "The Gates case is now like the first draft of a bad novel that Tom Wolfe would have kept in his drawer."

The New York Times is making a massive gamble that consumers will be interested in reading a hard-copy version of its free online edition -- and willing to pay $2 a day for it.

Explaining his decision, the President told reporters, "When tempers run a little high, there's one thing that always helps people think a little more rationally: beer."