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Borowitz Report

Henry Louis Gates Arrested for Stealing Quart of Milk from Own Refrigerator

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.23.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Henry Louis Gates, Cambridge Police, Henry Louis Gates Arrested, Henry Gates, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"He was acting suspiciously in his kitchen, removing items from the cupboard such as a glass," said Cambridge police spokesman Ryan Slatson. "When he made a move for the refrigerator, we pounced."

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Obama Proposes Replacing Anesthesia with Press Conferences

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.23.2009 | Politics

Read More: Chihuahua, Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Health Care, Helen Thomas, Barack Obama, Taco Bell, Politics News
Andy Borowitz

The president said that clinical trials showed that patients who are exposed to one of his pressers usually lose consciousness within three minutes.

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Cambridge Police Conduct Sweep of Harvard Professors

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.21.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Harvard, Henry Louis Gates, Cambridge, Racial Profiling, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"These academics may be armed and dangerous," Cambridge police chief Ryan Slatson warned. "They may also be long-winded and boring."

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Bloggers Fail to Convince Their Mothers They Met with Obama

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.21.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Liberal Blogosphere, Carpal Tunnel, Andy Borowitz, Health Care, Bloggers, Barack Obama, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"Yesterday I told my mom that I was going to meet Obama and she was like, 'Yeah, tell me another one,'" said one blogger. "I think she thought I was just going to see Harry Potter again."

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Britney Spears' Conversion Diary

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.20.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Hannah Montana, Conversion to Judaism, Andy Borowitz, Britney Spears, Judaism, Rabbi, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

You don't have to call Jewish people "Jewish people." It turns out they don't mind being called plain old "Jews." LOL.

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Larry King to Air Archival Footage of Cronkite Talking about Michael Jackson

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.18.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Motown Records, Michael Jackson, Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Larry King, Motown, Cnn, Walter Cronkite, Moonwalk, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"It wasn't easy, but we did some digging and it turns out Walter did mention Michael once or twice," Mr. King said. "This is going to be a real treat for our viewers."

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Summers Upgrades Economy From 'Catastrophic' to 'Sucks'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.17.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, White House, Larry Summers, Andy Borowitz, Economy, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Summers was upbeat about the U.S. economy today, saying that the economic situation is no longer catastrophic.

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Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.16.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mark Sanford, Treasury Department, Goldman Sachs, Andy Borowitz, Jake Tapper, ABC News, Mergers, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

According to a Goldman spokesperson, the merger between Goldman and the Treasury Department is "a good fit" because "they're in the business of printing money and so are we."

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CNN Urges Senators to Ask Sotomayor More Questions About Michael Jackson

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.15.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Supreme Court, Michael Jackson, Andy Borowitz, Larry King, Senate Judiciary Committee, Sonya Sotomayor, Cnn, Bernard Madoff, Obama Supreme Court Nominee, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Wolf Blitzer, Senators, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"Our viewers want to know who's going to have custody of Blanket and the other Jackson children, and none of that is being addressed in these hearings," said CNN's Larry King.

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AIG Bonus Recipients Upbeat About Economy

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.13.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Aig, Andy Borowitz, Economic Stimulus Package, Economy, Bernard Madoff, Stimulus, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Satire, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Harbock says that his consumer confidence has also taken a positive turn since receiving his bonus check, which totaled $5.4 million.

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Ensign Favors Stimulus of His Package

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.12.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Economic Stimulus Package, Sex Scandal, John Ensign, Stimulus Package, Bernard Madoff, Stimulus, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Republicans, Satire, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"I misread my package's needs," the senator said. "It needs significantly more stimulus than I originally thought."

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New Downbeat Unemployment Numbers Include Republican Mistresses

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.10.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, G.O.P., John Ensign, Bernie Madoff, John Ensign Mistress, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Republicans, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Unemployment surged over the past two weeks, but the Department of Labor was careful to point out that much of that increase was due to "forced layoffs of Republican mistresses."

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North Korea Reveals It Has Been Running Microsoft Customer Service for Years

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.09.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Windows Vista, Andy Borowitz, Windows 7, Microsoft, Bernard Madoff, Kim Jong Il, Bernie Madoff, Customer Service, Who-Moved-My-Soap, North Korea, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

In a frontal assault on America's computers, North Korea revealed today that it successfully infiltrated Microsoft customer service and has been running the company's calling centers for years.

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New iPhone App Translates Palin Speech into English

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.08.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Iphone, Andy Borowitz, Apple Iphone, Apple, Palin, Sarah Palin, Bernard Madoff, Bernie Madoff, Cupertino-California, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Ipal, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

According to Apple, a user of the iPal app can hold his iPhone up to a television when Ms. Palin is appearing and receive a real-time English translation in text form.

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People With No Lives Ponder Future After Jackson Memorial

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.07.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

As the Michael Jackson memorial concludes today, millions of people who have no lives are in a quandary about how they will fill the inevitable void.

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World Eagerly Awaits End Of Michael Jackson Tributes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.06.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, Honduras, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Network News, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Tracy Klugian, 37, a hardware salesman in Brookline, Massachusetts, has been holding a candlelight vigil for the news ever since the 24/7 Michael Jackson coverage began.

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New England Journal of Medicine Reports Mental Health Epidemic Among Republican Governors

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.05.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mental Illness, Mark Sanford, Andy Borowitz, Mental Health, Prison, Tourette-Syndrome, Sarah Palin, New England Journal of Medicine, Bernard Madoff, Bernie Madoff, Republican Party, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Republicans, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include "bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations," including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures.

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Obama: White House Prescription Plan Less Expensive Than Michael Jackson's

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.04.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Michael Jackson, White House, Andy Borowitz, Barck Obama, Neverland, Prescription Drugs, Bernard Madoff, Prescription Painkillers, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Michael Jackson Neverland, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"We've done an inventory of the left-over painkillers at Neverland Ranch," Mr. Obama said. "There's enough junk there to tranquilize the entire nation until the year 2050."

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Comedians Mourn Palin's Resignation

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.03.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Comedians, Andy Borowitz, Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, Bernard Madoff, Alaska, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Sarah Palin Alaska, Sarah Palin Resigns, Sarah Palin Resignation, Palin Resignation, Palin's Resignation, Palin Resign, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called "a devastating loss."

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Madoff's Soul Turns Up on Craigslist

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.03.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Satan, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Joe Jackson, Craigslist, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

The seller, Satan, said that he had bought Mr. Madoff's soul forty years ago and was "disappointed" that it had turned out to be worthless.

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Sanford: "I'm Too Sexy for My State"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.02.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Elliot Spitzer, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle.

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Sanford: I Was A Nonstop F*cking Machine

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.01.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Mark Sanford, Andy Borowitz, Penis, Associated Press, Lieutenant Governor, Bernard Madoff, Bernie Madoff, Tan Lines, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

"I crossed lines with women," Governor Sanford said. "And when I say lines, I mean tan lines."

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Madoff to Share Cell With O.J.

Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.01.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, O.J. Simpson, Heisman Trophy, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Madoff and the former Heisman Trophy winner reportedly hit it off well, with Mr. Simpson vowing to help Mr. Madoff "search for the real swindlers."

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Ruth Madoff: 'This Is Not the Man I Owned Nine Homes With'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.29.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Ruth Madoff, Bernard Madoff, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Who-Moved-My-Soap, New York-New York, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."

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How I Saved Bernie Madoff's Life

Andy Borowitz | Posted 06.29.2009 | Comedy

Read More: Borowitz Report, Ponzi Scheme, Andy Borowitz, Bernie Madoff, Bernie Madoff Prison, Bernie Madoff Sentencing, Comedy News
Andy Borowitz

Published today, just in time for Bernie's sentencing, my book is a self-help guide entitled: Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition.

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