In the four decades since I took a driver's ed class, I have become such a proficient motorist that I could teach a class myself except that I have two speeding tickets on my record and my name isn't Ed.

I didn't major in physics in college, though I do have a BS in life, but I know that one of the principles of this fascinating science is that any space will be filled -- except, of course, the one between my ears.

I could never see myself in a little French maid's outfit, except on weekends while doing my household chores, and I don't suppose I'll ever wear one because: (a) I probably couldn't find something like that in my size and (b) I don't speak French.

Gray, wet and windy. And that just describes me. It also describes Sandy, who is due at my house in a few hours. I put out a welcome mat. It blows away.

Guys think they know everything about home improvement, even when they don't, which is most of the time. But even if they're handy, they'll always defer to their wives.