Comics love irony. So you might think that there would be truckloads of good jokes floating around about our environment. After all, you've got global warming, melting polar ice caps and millions of cows whose flatulence create less than desirable methane levels.

Although sources tell me that this next round of medical coding saves even more time for doctors and billing departments, little has been released with regard to the brand new collection of more than 60,000 easy-to-remember diagnostic codes.

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Cubs owner Tom Ricketts has boldly proclaimed that the improvements will make champs out of the North Siders. Mr. Chairman, please consider the following upgrades that did not appear on your comprehensive plan.

While at times I long for the Miss moniker and all the perks of youth, with the added benefit of hindsight, I have begun to intuitively understand things that Misses do not, like orgasms, compassion, vulnerability and patience.

After learning that the suspected Boston bombers were Caucasian, Tanner Cooper and every other shopper at the North Dayton Whole Foods barricaded themselves in the Organic, Artesian, Gluten-Free Bread department and refused to leave the store.

I used to think I loved iInternet dating, but then I realized I just loved drinking fancy wine that someone else was financing.

What we need to do is allow lesbians to become Boy Scout troop leaders and gay men to become Girl Scout troop leaders.

Hi, come on in and sit down. How have you been? It's been awhile since I've seen you. More than six months, I'd guess. Didn't I say, "See you in six months" the last time you were here? I guess you didn't hear that. I'm sure I said it. No problem, get in the chair, open wide and let's take a look.

Whether you're choking on your Dollar-Menu McNuggets -- or your neighbor is gagging on what Michele Bachmann said on FOX News today -- a restaurant-quality choking poster can come in super-handy!

With a deep enough dive into my life, the government would inevitably come across some of these embarrassingly painful truths -- which would probably disqualify me from gun ownership as well as most other things the Constitution says I can have.

Kyle, stay right there buddy, I promise -- cross my heart -- we'll get back to you really, superquick soon, but it's time for a short commercial break. You're watching News First, where we know that being first isn't everything -- it's the ONLY THING!

Cheech and Chong have been smoking weed consistently since the 1970s, man. So who better to gather on 4/20 and test some of the most famous stereotypes about pot?

Welcome to the School of How to Correctly Form a Line. Please find your seats and let's get started. I'd have you all line up, but clearly you are incapable of doing that, which is why you have been ordered to attend this one-day seminar.

Comedy is the voice of an undercurrent that is constantly asking us to do better. The most tragic moments in my life have provided me with the best material, whether for the stage or writing or for my personal growth.

You know me -- I love all of God's children. Unless of course, they're threatening to nuke my country -- to which, I take great offense.