Connection with your partner is vital for your well-being and the well-being of the relationship. If you find that any of these suggestions are hard for you, then do some inner work to discover what is in the way.

Whenever we're facing an unpleasant or alarming situation, we're likely to become anxious and try to figure out what we can do instead of becoming quiet and seeking new ideas or revisiting what worked in the past.

Unless you are able to learn from and heal your fears, you may get stuck in this negative pattern. Love quickly vanishes in the face of this closed, protective behavior.

Why would someone make the choice to be miserable? Because it is often a way of getting attention and of attempting to get someone else to be responsible for them. If this is what you want, here is a roadmap to make sure you accomplish your goal!

All relationships have a system. Some work well and some don't. Since I have been working with relationships for the last 44 years, I've become very attuned to what kind of a system two people have between them.

If you're struggling -- if you're feeling out of, or the need for, control -- it's less likely that something's wrong with the object of your desires, and more likely that there's something you've been unwilling to give up in order get what it is you say you want.

Psychotherapists often advise their clients to share their feelings with the important people in their life. Is this good advice?

When two people come together because they want to learn together, grow together, heal together, share their time and companionship, and share their love and passion, they have a good chance of creating a lasting, loving relationship.

Over the many years of working with thousands of people looking to find a committed relationship, I've discovered numerous red flags that may indicate future problems.

Accepting our lack of control over how others see and treat us is a major challenge for many people. It's important to realize that others often treat us the way we treat ourselves.

"Isn't withdrawing from conflict just running away?" you might ask. Yes, it is. But there is a huge difference between withdrawing and disengaging. The difference is about your intention.

We all have a wounded self -- our ego -- that we developed as we were growing up, to protect us from pain. Our wounded self becomes activated when we get scared -- scared of rejection, of engulfment, of being hurt.

"We never seem to be able to solve any problems," Kaylee told me in a phone session. "Every time we sit down to solve a problem, we end up fighting."

In many relationships, one person complains about not having enough time with his or her partner, while the other complains about needing space. Find out how to resolve this conflict.

A patient of mine realized that if he wanted to attract a loving and caring woman who took responsibility for herself, he would have to learn to be loving and caring toward himself.

Which is more important to you in your relationships -- to be kind or to control?

How often do you tell yourself that you are wrong, bad, inadequate, unworthy, a jerk, stupid and so on? I've found, in the many years I've been counseling, that most people are frequently inwardly judgmental.

Congratulations! You have succeeded in creating a terrible relationship! Now you can miserably and righteously leave your partner and do the whole thing again!

Do you believe that being "perfect" gives you control over how people feel about you?" If you do, then you are coming from three big false beliefs that are causing you much unhappiness.

Control and shame are intricately tied together. When you give up your attachment to control, and instead choose compassion toward yourself and others, you will find your shame disappearing.

As I became more and more aware of how often and how harshly I judged myself, I finally made the connection: Disapproving of myself led to needing others' approval.