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Stewie Griffin Does Letterman's Top Ten (VIDEO)

2009-12-22T08:00:03Z

Letterman welcomed Family Guy's Stewie Griffin to the show last night to present "The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Child." While lines like "I just took a leak in your car. Happy Father's Day" would most likely shock unsuspecting parents, they seem so natural coming out of Stewie's mouth.

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Kari Henley: Tiger Woods' Christmas Carol: The Ghosts Of Past, Present And Future

2009-12-20T11:32:17Z

This weekend marks the arrival of the winter solstice - our longest night of the year, and clearly the infamous Tiger Woods is experiencing a major 'Dark Night of the Soul'.

As much as I am sick to death of hearing about this story - he is still a bright, well educated man who has unlimited potential to re-create his future. Charles Barkley said on CNN that Tiger needs to "talk to a famous person, who truly understands." I agree he needs role models for sure. But, who would they be?

I took my daughter to see the new Disney Christmas Carol movie yesterday. The animation was fantastic, and the archetype of Ebenezer Scrooge serves as a profound reminder of how many are trapped in a dark and hopeless place - dominated by money, power or greed. Scrooge had become a bitter man, and didn't know a way out. During the film, Tiger Woods popped into my head- what ghosts would come and visit him while he is in hiding; shaking in night shirt and cap?

Ghost of Christmas Past: Paul Newman.
Can you just see those baby blues still? All zipped up in his racing suit, imagine Newman floating in to Wood's yacht and gently whispering his famous quote, "What could be better than holding your hand out to those that are less fortunate than you are?" Newman maintained an enviable marriage to Joanne Woodward, kept his joy stick and testosterone funneled in racing cars, and through his giving nature - became one of the world's most important philanthropists.

The famous salad dressing began as a simple gift for friends at Christmas time, and that act of giving took on a life of its own. Today, the Newman's Own Foundation has given over $280 million to charities. In particular, the Hole in the Wall camps was the twinkle of Newman's eye, and he spent hours anonymously with the children.

Newman said, "Whenever I am in the dumps, I come up here, to camp, and it reaffirms everything that I think is really good and generous about this world. " The way to salvation is holding up all the Tiny Tim's who can reopen possibility.

Here is the ghost of Christmas Past himself:

Ghost of Christmas Present: David Letterman.
Get in front of the story baby! No one approves of sexual liaisons, but it does not have to dominate the news 24/7, unless there is mystery and intrigue in the mix. Take a tip from the man himself - this golf tournament was botched beyond belief, so get out of the sand trap and back on a new green - for everyone's sake. Letterman joked that Tiger should stop coming to him for advice, yet also offers a role model of how to get on with business, and the public will follow. Here's Letterman's ghost, with his buddy Tom Hanks, offering a few tips of humorous wisdom:

Ghost of Christmas Future: A young philanthropist; inspired by the Tiger Woods Foundation.
Let's face it; Tiger Woods earns a lot of money: $700 million per year from Nike endorsements alone. A lot of good can come from that money. Kids are out there waiting to be inspired, and the Ghost of Christmas present is a young man who was the winner of a contest sponsored by the Tiger Woods Foundation. At the end of this clip of an excited teenager opened up an iPod touch, and said, "because of a good thing I did, I was rewarded for it. But it would have been worth it even without a reward." Check it out:

There is room for so much more, and maybe Woods' retirement from golf can fuel even greater creative enthusiasm towards the various charitable endeavors already created in his name, like the Tiger Woods Learning Center in CA.

Even though the cold of winter is just beginning, after this weekend every day will gradually grow a little bit lighter. Isn't that comforting in so many ways? With that in mind, let's leave Tiger with his ghosts, and make it a point to turn away from stories that spark shame, humiliation and support a shameless celebration of infidelity. Let the ghosts of philanthropy, humor and possibility remind all of us what is important. You can make a difference by throwing open the shutters of what closes you off, being brave and helping to make a difference in someone's life.

"God bless us, everyone," Tiny Tim.

What say you, Huff Po readers? Any other ghosts who can offer sage advice in this modern day Christmas Carol? We always welcome comments and discussion, and have a happy holiday.

Andy Ostroy: I Slept With Tiger Woods

2009-12-19T13:00:20Z

I slept with Tiger Woods. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. It was about to come out anyway, so I figured I'd make like David Letterman and get in front of the scandal and take control. America, I am the 18th hole. There, I've said it. And it feels damn good. I've remained silent these past two weeks as skank after cheap-perfume-smelling salacious skank has crawled out of the whorish woodwork to claim their piece of the world's greatest golfer as his once mighty career and wholesome persona have come crashing down like a house of ill-reputed cards. But I've kept quiet long enough.

Let's set the record straight on something: these tabloid bimbos are not the real secret in Tiger's closet. While everyone's supposed to believe it's lusty, busty dim-witted ho's that Tiger's addicted to, the truth is Woods (btw, could he have a more appropriate name right now?) would much rather share his 9-iron and golfer's balls with gray-haired 50-year-old Jewish guys. I'm living proof of that. The hot chicks with the 46" double D's? Nothing more than beards while he's out rippin' up Vegas with every Larry, Barry and Harry in town.

So now it's time to tell my story. And I don't want anything in return, except the truth to be known. I met "The Cheetah" at a "Family Matters" convention on a chilly Vegas night about a decade ago. We were both huge fans of Steve Urkel. I thought Urkel was very funny, and Tiger, well, I think we all know why he liked him. We were on line together to get a Jaleel White autograph, and simply started talking about the show and how much we identified with the uber-nerdy Urkel character (actually, I really didn't, but I pretended to so Tiger wouldn't feel self-conscious). We immediately hit it off and later went to dinner, and then he invited me to his hotel suite...which I thought a bit odd, but naively went along.

Our "affair" wasn't sexual. In fact, there was no sex at all, just some weird homo-eroticness on his part with a surprising naked rendition of "If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance, all you have to do is hitch up your pants, bend your knees, and stick out your pelvis...I'm telling you, baby, it's better than Elvis!" I know...pretty kinky. The whole affair lasted about an hour. And then I fell asleep. Literally. Out cold. On the bed. When I awoke, Woods' was sound asleep next to me. We were both fully clothed, but spooning (for the record, I was on the outside). After I shrieked a horrified John Candy-like "You see that Bears game last week!"..Woods replied "What a game! What a game! Bears gonna go all the way!" and we awkwardly jumped out of bed and quite hastily said our goodbyes. So yes America, I slept with Tiger Woods. And I have absolutely no regrets.

David Letterman Joyrides In Cupcake Car (VIDEO)

2009-12-18T11:40:37Z

This is the moment we've all been waiting for. The moment when cupcakes and automobiles join forces. David Letterman took the maiden ride in the delicious vehicle and from the look on his face, it was thrilling. It may not handle as well as a non-pastry based car (Letterman repeatedly lost control of the motorized cupcake), but that's a small price to pay for riding in style.

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Robert Downey Jr. Detained In Japan For Felony Record

2009-12-17T09:26:32Z

Robert Downey Jr.'s troubled past came back to bite him on a trip to Japan, where he was promoting 'Iron Man' last year. He told David Letterman Wednesday night that he was hassled at the airport for years-old felony convictions, "not recent stuff like you or Tiger."

"I probably should have seen there was a sign that said 'No Felons Allowed' in English and Japanese and I haven't had that expunged yet," he said. "You can actually get things expunged but I've been pretty busy. So I was detained, I was interrogated. It was a blast."

"Haven't you settled up? Haven't you paid your debts?" Letterman asked.

"Clearly I haven't paid my debts to Japan," said Downey.

Downey stars in Guy Ritchie's 'Sherlock Holmes,' out Christmas Day. You can watch the trailer for 'Iron Man 2,' out next summer, here.

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Meredith C. Carroll: Looking Back on the Year of the Woman

2009-12-16T18:57:00Z

Time magazine had several contenders for its annual Person of the Year issue, including Timothy Geithner, Stanley McChrystal, Usain Bolt and, of course, Ben Bernanke. More forward-thinking publications, however, have all but declared 2009 as the Year of the Woman.

"Never has there been a time in which more remarkable women have distinguished themselves," said famed women's rights activist and Ms. magazine founder, Gloria Steinem. "I never thought I'd live to see the day."

Leading the pack is Nadya Suleman. For her courageous decision to have 14 children via in-vitro fertilization without a job or partner, subjecting her family to intense public scrutiny and ridicule by spending money on video games, manicure and lattes while on public assistance programs, and announcing on Good Morning America last month that she's open to having more children, she was named Bitch magazine's Psycho Mom of the Year in the December issue.

"Nobody tells me what I can and can't do with my lady parts," Suleman huffed at the launch party for the issue.

The women of VH1's reality shows, including For the Love of Ray J, My Antonio, Real Chance of Love and Rock of Love, have been recognized by PharmaWeek magazine as its Fame Whores of the Year.

"The pharmaceutical industry has rarely, if ever, had so many prime research subjects available in one location. From testing experimental herpes vaccines and methamphetamine withdrawal medications, drug companies hit the jackpot," enthused editor-in-chief Ken Davies.

The CBS page program weekly newsletter named Stephanie Birkitt as its Page of the Year earlier this month.

CBS president and CEO Les Moonves boasted, "While the NBC page program counts Ted Koppel and Michael Eisner as alumni, we couldn't be more gratified that one of our own made a name for herself by sleeping with the host of one of our most profitable and high profile shows, getting him to pay for her law school education, hire her as his personal lawyer, include her on intimate vacations with his wife and young son, all the while being savvy enough to write it down in her diary that she didn't keep hidden from other boyfriends. Top that, [NBC page alumnus] Regis Philbin!"

Yesterday the American Bar Association Journal named Elin Nordegren its Client of the Year for her recent foray into the legal world. While her attorney is waist-deep in furious negotiations with husband Tiger Woods' army of lawyers over the terms of their revised prenuptial agreement, Nordegren is said to have already pocketed an instant re-signing bonus of $5 million. Should she stand by her man at golf tournaments for the next two years while continuing to look pretty but remaining mute, she stands to receive an additional $55 million payout, according to reports.

"It's about time our industry took a break from all the corporate bankruptcies we've been wading through this past year and started honing in on the long-overlooked cash cow of prenuptial agreements," said ABA president Carolyn B. Lamm. "If we can only sign on a few more Elin Nordegrens, lawyers across the country might finally have the security of knowing they'll definitely be able to retire early, and filthy rich. Boy, if Oprah ever marries Steadman, that would help us, like, a lot."

Nordegren received another distinction this morning when the International Au Pair Association named her its Babysitter of the Year.

"Blonde au pairs aren't always as dumb as they look, which she proved on Thanksgiving night," said IAPA chairperson Jack Hompes. "Her husband might be a professional golfer, but she's got the ace in the hole. Elin is an inspiration to hot nannies everywhere."

The National Enquirer awarded Tiger Woods' mistresses their Other Women of the Year award, just edging out Hailey Glassman, Rielle Hunter and Mackenzie Phillips.

"Thank you for saving what had otherwise been a dismal year in the tabloid industry," gushed co-executive editor Julia Coates to Woods' assortment of cocktail waitresses, hostesses, porn stars and pancake flippers at a Las Vegas party in their honor. "My sincere apologies to any of you who we neglected to mention to date, but I'm sure your names will surface on our pages in due time. Oh yeah -- and we want to give a special shout out to our boy Tiger for making all this possible. Like the National Enquirer, he's proof that a loyal fan base and zillions of dollars won't necessarily buy you any class."

Finally, Carrie Prejean was named by Mad magazine as its Joke of the Year. From being crowned Miss California and later being de-throned, engaging in a public battle with the pageant director about who should pay for her breast implants, yelping about conservative values and then slinking out of the spotlight following the discovery of nude photos and videos that she took of herself and sent to multiple boyfriends, Prejean was a unanimous choice.

"Because even we can't make this stuff up," explained Mad editor John Ficarra.

"I couldn't be more cognizant of Carrie if I were her mother," Steinem said, choking back tears.

Time magazine's Person of the Year issue is on newsstands now.

Robbie Vorhaus: Tiger, Letterman, Madoff And More: Eight Lessons From The Decade's Biggest Flameouts

2009-12-16T12:32:57Z

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Sarah Jessica Parker Explains Missing Mole

2009-12-16T10:04:00Z

What happened to Sarah Jessica Parker's famous mole? Photos show it disappeared from her chin sometime during the summer of 2008 after she filmed the first 'Sex and the City' movie.

Parker told David Letterman Tuesday night that she had it removed by her plastic surgeon brother-in-law. It was no biggie, she said.

"I didn't have strong feelings," she said. "I didn't object to it. I just didn't care for it. And I had about six free days when I could be bloody and stabbed and no one will care and honestly I didn't think a thing about it and then apparently it turned into mole-gate."

Soon after the procedure, Parker said, a woman approached her on the beach, upset that she had gotten rid of her "signature."

"I was like, 'My mole was my signature? Isn't my brain my signature?'" Parker said. "For about the next 15 minutes I couldn't hear anything because I thought I'd make a terrible mistake. Can they put it back on?"

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Joe Halderman Was Afraid David Letterman Might Have Him Killed

2009-12-15T18:35:39Z

The New York Post reports that David Letterman's accused extortionist was afraid the "Late Show" host might have him killed.

"I'm not sure how crazy this guy is, or um, how dangerous he might be," Joe Halderman is quoted as saying of Letterman. "I'm worried about someone calling [CBS chief executive] Les Moonves, and saying, you know, there's a producer at '48 Hours' who should be fired. I don't want that to happen," he said.

"I'm an employee in good standing, but should I be fired, mysteriously . . . If my house burns down . . . Any number of things that, I don't know this person, I've never met this person, I have no idea who or what he is or is capable of," Halderman said during staged "negotiations," in which Letterman's wired lawyer pretended to buy Halderman's evidence of Letterman's affairs along with his silence. "The only way to be sure that I never talk to anybody is for somebody to kill me. Well, you know, I don't want that to happen."

The Associated Press' Jennifer Peltz reports:

NEW YORK — A TV producer accused of trying to blackmail David Letterman for $2 million said he needed money to visit his son and would mask the transaction as a business deal, prosecutors said Tuesday.

Robert J. "Joe" Halderman also told the comedian's lawyer he would keep copies of his information on Letterman's love life for "protection," worrying that he could be fired – or even killed – in retaliation for the scheme, Manhattan prosecutors said in court papers.

Giles Slade: Adultery as an American Subject: Our Cheatin' Hearts

2009-12-14T17:41:10Z

There's much more at play in the recent spate of adulterous liasons made public than simply leering nosiness, and a seemy delight in watching the mighty and the accomplished dragged through the mud. America's fascination with the transgressions of Tiger Woods, Mark Sanford and David Letterman is really an old school theme in American cultural life. Adultery is a very American topic. We've been redefining the parameters of its acceptability and taboo with each new generation since the Scarlet Letter.

Adultery has become more visible recently due to the technological advances like texting which is now often involved in the discovery and proof of contemporary adulterous relationships. Then there's the Internet that lets people acquire and disseminate personal information about anyone anywhere in the world with the same effortlessness as standing around at the water-cooler when you're supposed to be working.

But the times themselves are also stressing marriages to the max, and - as we know from the great depression- this puts a strain on people's relationships. When divorces and separations spiralled during the thirties, Screwball Comedy was invented to describe, contain and discuss America's prolonged courtships and strained marriages. The catalogue of genuinely funny films that followed, It Happened One Night (1934) is still one of Hollywood's high water marks. If you haven't seen Bringing Up Baby, The Awful Truth, Philadelphia Story or Midnight you've got an inexpensive treat in store for those long afternoons with family during the coming holidays...

Well, times are tough again these days. People are still losing their jobs and houses. There are more homeless adults and children in America than ever before. More people are using food stamps and returning to live with their parents or parking in brother Bob's basement suite. There are divorces and separations and even postponements of weddings due to lack of cash, jobs, prospects.

Really important too, is the fact that after 9 long years of war, more and more military families are splitting apart under the pressures of anxiety, low military pay, and the prolonged absences of protracted service. In this environment of stress and hardship, its no wonder that websites that arrange assignations for cheating spouses -like Ashleymorgan.com- achieve greater popularity. America is lonely and stressed and needs, as my man Marvin once called it, 'Sexual Healing'.

Kudos to Tiger Woods for refusing Ashleymorgans offer of $5 million to endorse adultery and their website. If they are trying, as Hugh Hefner once did to change people's values they're facing a tough road. In conservative Toronto recently, the public reacted strongly against Ashleymorgan.com's bus ad "Life is short. Have an Affair." Even though in North America, 1/5 of all married women and about 2/3s of all men have an affair during their married lives, no one's happy about it. Sex is powerful stuff that shouldn't be handled casually. Guilt, shame and humiliation are the price of trivializing one of society's most powerful taboos. Just ask my ex-wife.

Anyway, my respects to Tiger now for trying to save his embattled marriage. But my respects to Jenny Sanford for 'walking away from trouble with her head held high'. Lastly, my respects to David Letterman for facing the music squarely and getting on with it. I'm going to hope that some clever writers in Hollywood read this and get the idea of writing a modern comedy that thematizes the changes taking place in our ideas about adultery.

Anyway, my respects to Tiger now for trying to save his embattled marriage. But my respects to Jenny Sanford for 'walking away from trouble with her head held high'. Lastly, my respects to David Letterman for facing the music squarely and getting on with it. I'm going to hope that some clever writers in Hollywood read this and get the idea of writing a modern comedy that thematizes the changes taking place in our ideas about adultery.

The Awful Truth (1937) (Irene Dunne, Cary Grant)
Casablanca (1942) (Bogey and Ingrid Bergman)
Dr. Zhivago (1965) (Alec Guinness, Julie Christie)
The Graduate (1967) (Ann Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman)
Bob & Carol, Ted & Alice (1969)
The Woman Next Door (1981) (Gerard Depardieu, Fanny Ardent)
Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) (Jessica Lange, Jack Nicholson)
French Lieutenant's Woman (1982) (Meryl Streep)
Fatal Attraction (1987) (Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas)
Sex, Lies and Videotape (1989) (Andie Macdowell)
Indecent Proposal (1993) (Robert Redford, Demi Moore)
Bridges of Madison County (1995) (Meryl Streep, Clint Eastwood)
American Beauty (1999) (Kevin Spacey)
Eyes Wide Shut (1999) (Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman)
Unfaithful (2002) (Diane Lane)

Ayman Abu Aita Sues 'Bruno,' Letterman For $110M

2009-12-09T16:59:57Z

WASHINGTON — A Palestinian shopkeeper and father portrayed as a terrorist in the movie "Bruno" is suing film star Sacha Baron Cohen, David Letterman and others for libel and slander.

The lawsuit filed last week by Ayman Abu Aita in District of Columbia federal court seeks $110 million in damages.

David Letterman Twitter: "Late Show" Host Tweets For The First Time On-Air (VIDEO)

2009-12-09T10:40:43Z

David Letterman tweeted for the first time yesterday while taping the "Late Show." He didn't use his own account, but his show's official stream, which has twice as many followers now as it did last night.

He used a "Twitter machine" (aka a laptop) to convey his deeply important message: "Do you smell veal and peppers?" "I feel like Lindbergh landing in France," he said, marking the momentous occasion.

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Ruth Fowler: Elin and Tiger: A Just Invasion of Privacy

2009-12-08T17:12:49Z

Like Elin Nordegren, I started reading my boyfriend's text messages. I also hacked into his email, scoured his Facebook page, and kept careful count of the number of Viagra left in the little orange bottle he'd concealed in the bathroom cabinet.

At the age of thirty, it was the first time I'd ever stooped to this kind of, well, despicable behavior. I'd had it done to me in the past, and hated it. There was the guy in New York I'd ditched who couldn't understand that I didn't want to have a relationship, and was desperately reading my emails to find out if there was someone else (there wasn't). The serial 'infideliter' I dated, who, so used to his own transgressions, couldn't comprehend that I wasn't going to do the same to him (I didn't).

These instances sucked. They were evidence, to me, of my ex-partners' obvious emotional instability, inability to respect privacy and patent insanity. I wasn't cheating on these guys, so it never made sense to me. Why was it OK in their heads to go through my private correspondence?

But when I hit thirty and started dating Richard, I became that woman. And I became that woman for one simple reason: Richard lied to me on a continual basis. He lied about drug abuse (he was a relapsing alcoholic and addict). He lied to get me out of the house so other women could come round -- "just for coffee" he assured me later. He lied about who was texting him as we lay in bed together at midnight. He lied about trying to meet up with his ex-girlfriend in New York. And he left hints and clues littered all over the apartment we shared, almost as if he wanted me to know: names and numbers in his filofax, an incriminating AA Step 4 lying in plain view, empty bottles of wine and drug paraphernalia thrown carelessly in the trash, his blackberry lying on the table when he left the house to do an errand.

I have no idea if Richard subconsciously wanted me to find out: possibly, as the amount of drugs he was ingesting turned him into a sociopathic horror. I have no idea if Tiger Woods wanted Elin to find out. The carelessness of these males suggests either they did (why on earth didn't they hold off on the sexting and change the names of the women they were communicating with into guy's names in their phone?!) or what is more likely: they simply underestimated us women. Women always know, and lying gives us a green card to act like private detectives and disregard all 'normal' levels of ethics and morality -- such as respecting a partner's privacy. There is a huge difference between the woman who snoops on her man because of her own insecurity and a basic lack of ethics, and the woman who snoops on her man because she has a very good suspicion, supported by strange behavior, that something is wrong.

Liz Jones, a British columnist, has been derided for years for chronicling her tempestuous relationship with her much younger husband, Nirpal Dhaliwal, in her weekly columns. Liz's almost pathological dissection of her relationship started to turn hopelessly sad when she revealed that hacking into Nirpal's emails and phone, she had discovered his numerous infidelities. The discovery was not prophylactic for their marriage: it ended in divorce. According to Ruth Houston, a New York based infidelity expert, women are often the last to know about affairs because they don't recognize the early signs -- or they don't intrude on their husband's privacy, and look for text or email proof, until it's too late. A flirtation has turned into an affair.

A friend of mine based in LA, Lulu, swears by frequent intrusions into her husband's privacy for saving her marriage. A routine scanning of her husband's email account revealed a recent tryst between him and an ex-girlfriend that was swiftly nixed when Lulu went into action and confronted him before the tryst became an extra-marital affair. Lulu knows she's married to a man who has the ability and willingness to cheat. She's happy to live with this. When I asked her how she hacked into his email, she said; "Try the name of his favorite sports team, his mother's name or his mother's birthdate. Men are predictable."

When I bring up the ethics of reading your partner's texts and emails to male friends, opinion is divided. Half of my male friends agree that if you suspect something and find out definitive proof by snooping, then your behavior is excusable on the grounds you were doing it to protect yourself. The other half tend to believe that there is no excuse for an invasion of privacy.

My ex constantly brought up the fact I'd read his texts and emails and said it made him feel violated -- ignoring the fact that he had violated my trust with constant lies, and had also read my texts, half-expecting me to be like him: a liar and a cheat. Does a violation of privacy get 'canceled out' by a violation of trust? I'm tempted to say it does. But it does provide your partner with great fuel in the ensuing break-up wars. "We split up because she read my texts and emails," is a continual bleat from my ex -- and it's one I have to agree with. We did break up because I read his texts and emails, and found out exactly what kind of person I was dating. A man who thought lying to me was acceptable and excusable.

It's interesting to note that a court in New Jersey reviewed a case (White Vs. White) on whether a spouse reading the e-mails between her husband and his girlfriend violated the New Jersey wiretap law (state version of the ECPA). The court held that no reasonable expectation of privacy existed. Because the couple were sharing a home, their expectation of privacy was diminished.

We can speculate forever why men -- particularly powerful men like Tiger Woods, David Letterman, Elliot Spitzer, Jude Law, Bill Clinton, Lulu's husband, my ex -- think they can cheat and get away with it. Partly I think it's the genetic ability of men to separate sex and love. I worked in a strip club for eighteen months in New York and I was constantly astounded as to what constitutes 'cheating' to a man. Serial 'infideliters' seem to believe that if they still love their wife/partner/girlfriend, sex or a non-serious relationship, which is sexually based, somehow doesn't count. For these men, cheating is when the heart strays, not the roving penis. My guy always excused the lies and the flirtations with other women by saying he loved me, he supported me, he fed me, he lived with me. The only woman he loved more than me, wouldn't have him anyway(!). Surely that was enough?

It wasn't. It certainly wasn't for Elin Nordegren, judging by her violent reaction to the proof that her husband was cheating. I suspect it's not really enough for Lulu, who is doomed to a life with a man she can never fully trust. If there's one thing I learned about my relationship with the guy whose texts I continually read, whose words I always doubted: it is that invading your partner's privacy to find out something horrendous is morally dubious, but logically the best thing to do.

If I get to the point where I have to start hacking into my next boyfriend's emails, I know I'm not with the right guy. But unlike Lulu, or Elin Nordegren, or Hillary Clinton, I certainly don't intend to stay with him.

Dr. Jim Taylor: From Bill Clinton to Tiger Woods: The Price of Infidelity

2009-12-08T15:23:43Z

In the last 15 years alone, there has been Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Jude Law, Eliot Spitzer, Kobe Bryant, Mark Sanford, Alex Rodriguez, David Letterman, the list goes on. Now, it's déjà vu all over again. Another successful man caught with his paws in the honey jar (pun intended). But not just any man. We're talking about Tiger Woods, the wealthiest and most famous athlete on Earth.

According to reports, we are now up to seven alleged mistresses. That image of Tiger as a humble, honorable family man has not only been tarnished, but now lays smashed in far too many pieces to ever be reassembled again. The price that will be paid for Tiger's infidelity is enormous.

There is the price of dishonesty in which what appeared to be the true mettle of a man, professional athlete, celebrity, and multi-millionaire aside, was nothing more than a carefully manufactured and cultivated façade. Another idol who has come crashing down from his pedestal.

And what about the price of perfidy. What must the legions of Tiger fans, who have followed him from his earliest successes as an amateur through the heart-rending illness and death of his beloved father to his awe-inspiring victories on the golf course, feel to learn that their adoration was for just another man with feet of clay.

Of course there is the financial price that will be paid. Yes, Tiger's sponsors have stood by him so far. To do otherwise would be to make themselves out to be fools. There is their public rationalization that what happened is a private matter that doesn't impact their relationship. But as the number of mistresses metastasizes, so will the embarrassment, and finally the corporate recognition that the damage is irreparable. A cowardly weekend press release will then be issued in which the sponsors announce that they have chosen to discontinue their relationship with Tiger for any number of reasons (the economy, a new marketing direction) totally unrelated to his recent transgressions (a word, by the way, that is an insult to all those whose trust he violated). And relationships that have generated hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue for those sponsors will end. Of course, Tiger's infidelity will cost him perhaps billions in earnings over the remainder of his career (not that he will end up in the poor house, of course).

Tiger will also drag the argyle-socked and perma-pressed sport of golf down with him. As the most visible face of professional golf, the sport will pay a huge price, easily into the billions of dollars in lost revenue from a decline in attendance, television, and merchandising revenue attributable to Tiger. His sleazy behavior will, by extension, also hurt the many professional golfers who don't live the gilded life that Tiger does, but rather struggle each week to eke out a living playing a game they love.

Can I muster sympathy for anyone in this sordid affair (pun intended)? I certainly have no sympathy for the sponsors who paid Tiger millions to be the shill for their products. They care only for the bottom line and will have their "come to Jesus" moment only when Tiger no longer serves to pad their balance sheets.

I have little sympathy for the fans who chose to idolize (and idealize) a man who just happens to have a spectacular talent for what is, as Mark Twain so aptly noted, "a good walk spoiled."

I leave my complete absence of sympathy (what I actually feel is contempt) for Tiger, who had the world by the tail (pun intended) and chose to dishonor himself and bring unimaginable sorrow to those who loved him for a few (okay, more than a few) cheap thrills with a bunch of floozies.

My sympathy does go out to those who paid most dearly for Tiger's infidelity. His wife Elin who must pay a personal price of betrayal for having to suffer the indignity of not only learning that her husband is a serial philanderer, but also the humiliation of having to live this very private nightmare under the spotlight of a salacious culture that feeds on scandal the way sharks feed on their prey. I also feel sympathy for the price that his children will pay as they get older and learn what kind of man their father really is.

A post like this would typically end with a hope of redemption on Tiger's part. He would "cowboy up" to what he did, ask for forgiveness, and promise to devote the rest of his life to atonement for his sins. But I just can't go there. He may truly be sorry for his infidelity, but, at this point, I think he's most sorry about having been caught. If Tiger really felt remorse, he would have felt it after his first affair (or at least his second or third) and would never have made it to his seventh. No matter what Tiger says or does in the name of redemption, for all of his wealth, he'll never be able to compensate those who have suffered the most from his repugnant behavior.

Tiger Woods Top Ten: Letterman Ropes Tom Hanks Into Affair Mockery (VIDEO)

2009-12-08T11:25:47Z

Letterman took another stab at Tiger Woods last night with a little help from none other than Tom Hanks. During the "Top Ten Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image" countdown, Tom Hanks sat inexplicably backstage and reacted on camera after Letterman read each line. Watch the Academy Award-winning actor's humor slowly fade as the jokes get increasingly goofy.

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Letterman Takes On Tiger Woods Affairs With Several Nods To His Own Indiscretion (VIDEO)

2009-12-08T10:59:23Z

(AP) NEW YORK - David Letterman, after a week off, dived right into material about Tiger Woods on the "Late Show," joking that he wishes the golfer would stop calling him to ask for advice.

Even though the CBS late-night host is only weeks removed from his own scandal, he kicked off his monologue with the subject of Woods, who has been hounded by claims from several women that they had affairs with him.

"Boy, it looks like that Tiger Woods is having some trouble, huh?" began Letterman, puffing his cheeks out.

He joked that if Woods' situation had happened three months ago, he'd "have material for a year." He still got plenty of mileage out of it Monday, on his first new show after a week of repeats.

"President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan," Letterman said. "Hell, he ought to be sending them to Tiger Woods' house."

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Woods, the world's No. 1 golfer, crashed his luxury SUV outside his Florida mansion on Thanksgiving weekend, and his wife told police she used a golf club to smash its back windows to help him out. The Florida Highway Patrol cited Woods for careless driving and fined him $164.

The accident and Woods' refusal to answer questions about it fueled speculation about a possible dispute between the golfer and his wife.

Just days before the crash, a National Enquirer story alleged Woods had been seeing a New York nightclub hostess, who denied it. After the crash, Us Weekly reported that a Los Angeles cocktail waitress claims she had an affair with Woods.

Last week, Woods issued a statement saying he had let his family down with unspecified "transgressions" that he regrets with "all of my heart."

In October, Letterman admitted to workplace affairs that police say led to a blackmail plot. CBS News producer Robert J. "Joe" Halderman has pleaded not guilty to trying to extort $2 million from Letterman to keep some of the comedian's sexual affairs quiet.

Letterman later returned Monday to what he called "the Tiger Woods debacle." He tried to poll the audience members on their support, apparently thinking more would support Woods (whom he called "the greatest athlete in the world") than would support him.

He asked them to clap if they thought Woods was a "jerk." He then, referring to his "own personal problems," asked them to clap if they thought he was a jerk. Some clapped for each.

Letterman also presented a Top 10 list on how Woods might improve his image, with Tom Hanks making a cameo to react to each entry. No. 1 was "Blame Letterman."

Regular viewers of the "Late Show" might not be surprised Letterman would joke about Woods. He has frequently referred to his scandal since it erupted in October. Before that, he often joked about others caught in infidelities, including South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, former Florida Rep. Mark Foley and former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer.

- Jake Coyle

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Famous Cheaters: Which Scandal Was Most Shocking? (PHOTOS)

2009-12-07T18:17:21Z

Tiger Woods is the latest celebrity to prove that riches and fame do not a monogamous marriage make. Which of these scandals did you see coming, and which came as no surprise?

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Denver UFO Commission Initiative Will Be On Next Ballot

2009-12-01T15:41:05Z

After over a year of discussion and debate, a proposal to create a Denver commission on unidentified flying objects and extraterrestrial affairs will officially be printed on the city ballot next year.

The ballot initiative is the brainchild of Jeff Peckman, a Denver resident who turned in more than the minimum 10,000 signatures to Denver City Clerk and Recorder Stephanie O'Malley.

The proposed commission would consist of seven members who would collect evidence of extraterrestrials and UFO sightings in Colorado.

Peckman told the Denver Post he expected UFO enthusiasts from around the country to converge on Denver to share their experiences.

In 2008, when Peckman introduced the idea of the commission, he told the Rocky Mountain News:

"It is important because if you're driving down the highway and you saw a crash of a small spaceship and a car or a bus full of kids, you really wouldn't know what to do," Peckman said.
"Do you wait for the hazardous materials experts to show up because of potential contaminants from another solar system? What do you do? People really don't know."

The 55 year-old Peckman became a pseudo-celebrity in 2008, when he claimed to have video of a live alien in Nebraska. The video went viral and Peckman appeared on various television shows, including the Late Show with David Letterman:

Carrie Fisher: Cary Grant Helped Me With My Teenage Acid Problem

2009-11-25T09:28:47Z

When Carrie Fisher's mom got worried about her teenage daughter's LSD use, she did what any concerned parent might do.

"She had Cary Grant call me about my acid problem," Fisher told David Letterman on his show Tuesday night. "While I was shooting it and stuff. I tell my father the story and my father's a little vague having shot speed 13 years. It's a family tradition."

Grant's involvement with Fisher's drug problem didn't end there. Fisher's dad ending up seeing him at Grace Kelly's funeral and at a loss for what to say, asked him to call his daughter again. He did. The reason Grant was the family acid expert? He once did it under doctor's supervision.

"I just always want to imagine, was he in a backless gown?" said Fisher. "Was the doctor on acid? Did they do it in the office? How do you do acid with a doctor? Dr. Feel Good!"

She also chats with Letterman about her marriage to Paul Simon and the unkind things she finds googling herself without a lubricant.

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David Letterman: "I'm Taking Over For Oprah...Tony Danza Will Replace Me" (VIDEO)

2009-11-24T08:28:50Z

David Letterman announced last night that he'll be taking over for Oprah when she steps down next Tuesday despite the fact that Oprah's not scheduled end her run until 2011. "I will be the new Oprah. A couple of reasons: I don't like staying up this late," he joked (his show tapes in the early evening despite its 11:30p air time.)

"It's gonna be exactly the same show...I'm giving away cars, I'm giving away houses. Every now and then we'll get an author on and I'll work him over: 'Who do you think YOU are?' And then we'll get some movie star hopping up and down on furniture...I'm the new Oprah."

Dave hopes this will make him more lovable and end the misconception that he's a "snarky putz."

Letterman went on to announce that he's getting Stedman in the deal and that "O" magazine will now be "D." He also claims Tony Danza will be replacing him as the host of the "Late Show" and that Oprah is making a "huge mistake" by creating her own network. Dave predicted she'll be doing Civil War reenactments two or three months in.

Much speculation has been done about who might actually replace the queen of daytime. Whoever it is, we're pretty sure it's not gonna be Dave.

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Sarah Palin Refuses Katie Couric Interview

2009-11-23T09:33:20Z

Sources tell Hotline OnCall that Couric's producer sent two requests to Palin's publisher for interviews during the "Going Rogue" book tour, and so far, Couric has been denied.

It's not surprising -- Palin has not agreed to sit down with more than a small handful of mainstream media interviewers -- but the move looks to be part of a larger Palin blackout from CBS News and Entertainment.