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Davis Logsdon

Without Oprah and Facebook, USA Worth 40 Dollars

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In an acknowledgment of the country's ballooning budget deficit, President Obama announced that tonight would be the first ever Tostitos™ State of the Union Address.

Winter Weather Expected to Dominate Conversations of Boring People

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

With blizzard conditions blanketing the Northeast, a powerful front of mind-numbing weather-related banter is expected to pound the Eastern Seaboard, with statements of the obvious stretching from the Carolinas to New England.

BP Develops Technology to Convert Lies Into Energy

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

BP announced today it has developed a technology to convert lies into energy. CEO Tony Hayward said that environmentalists would embrace the technology "because lies are a totally renewable resource."

By 5-4 Vote, Supreme Court Decides Gores Must Stay Married

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The historic decision marked the first time that the Supreme Court has upended the divorce plans of a former vice president, according to vice presidential marriage historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota.

Obama's Obscure Pronunciation of "Nuclear" Breaks with Tradition

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Obama's obscure pronunciation of "nuclear" drew harsh reactions from members of the Tea Party movement, who see his obsession with correct English usage as an attempt to make the nation more European.

Instant Poll: 90% of Republicans Who Did Not See Obama's Speech Disagree With It

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to an instant poll conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, 90 percent of Republicans who did not see the President's speech strongly disagreed with it.

Rep. Joe Wilson 'Totally Stoked' for Obama's State of the Union Address

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

While Rep. Wilson was cagey about how he was preparing for the speech, he said, "My constituents expect a certain kind of performance from me and I don't want to disappoint them."

Poll: Americans With Pants on Ground Offended By Hit Song

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The song "Pants on the Ground" has become a huge hit since being performed on "American Idol," but a new poll suggests it has not found favor with one key group of Americans: people who wear their pants on the ground.

Congressmen Admit They No Longer Remember Which Health Care Bill They Are Voting On

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can't for the life of me remember whether this is the bill I liked or the bill I despised," said Rep. Rand DeVane (D-OH). "I'm only human."

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN for Cartoon Network

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Dobbs will be joining a schedule that includes such programs as Tom and Jerry and What's New, Scooby-Doo?

Palin-Prejean Alliance Predicted in Book of Revelations

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to Dr. Logsdon, in 1555 Nostradamus predicted the alliance between the two right-wing beauties when he wrote, "The slayer of beasts shall meet the barer of breasts."