Dickipedia on The Huffington Post

Dickipedia: Roman Polanski

2009-10-19T09:11:07Z

Roman Polanski is a Polish-French film director, producer, writer, actor, admitted rapist, fugitive, and a serious dick.

One of the more talented rapists of all time, Polanski is best known for films such as "Rosemary's Baby," "Chinatown," and "The Pianist."

In 1977, he was arrested in Los Angeles and pleaded guilty to unlawful intercourse with a minor. To avoid sentencing, Polanski fled to France, a nation that takes pride in its staggeringly high dick population density (one dick per 17 feet). There, he was protected by the country's limited extradition with the U.S. (France holds on to its dicks.)

His decision to avoid jail is not that dickish. In fact it's somewhat understandable, for if the convicted rapist went to prison, he would likely be on the losing end of a little "what's good for the the goose is good for the gander." What is dickish is that in the time since he's left the United States, Polanski has cultivated the image of a sympathetic victim who has been unfairly exiled from the U.S. That however, is not the case. He is not the victim. That title belongs to the 13-year-old he raped.

In September of 2009, Polanski was arrested by Swiss police while trying to enter Switzerland to pick up a lifetime achievement award from the Zurich Film Festival.

Dickipedia: Betsy McCaughey

2009-10-08T15:03:31Z

Betsy McCaughey is the former Lieutenant Governor of New York, a former member of the Cantel Medical Corporation, a former teller of the truth, and a current dick.

While her life has taken many turns and she has followed many dreams, she has always had one true passion: lying. She enjoys nothing more than the thrill of misleading American people into thinking health care reform is a bad thing. Following the advice that you should "do what you love," McCaughey has led a successful career as a certified liar.

Her analytical fabulations about health care legislation have single-handedly stymied reform on two occasions. Her undeserved political influence is even more impressive when you consider that her pants have literally been on fire.

Dickipedia: Tom DeLay

2009-09-28T09:22:51Z

Thomas Dale DeLay (born April 8, 1947) is a disgraced former U.S. Congressman and one-time Majority Leader of the House of Representatives who resurfaced not four years after a humiliating federal indictment shaking his decidedly Republican booty as a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars." Needless to say, he is also a dick.

Tom DeLay was first elected to the House in 1984, soon building a reputation for enforcing party discipline on colleagues and taking retribution on opponents. This earned him the nickname "The Hammer." One can only hope he is not planning to subject America to his version of "Can't Touch This." Although, hammer pants would certainly conceal his junk better than those tight polyester double-knits he wore on the season nine premiere.

The first national politician to appear on a reality show, DeLay is also the first contestant to compete on a reality show while currently out on bail. It's hard to say which provides a more apt comment on American popular culture. Still, they both clearly indicate our proximity to its nadir.

Silver lining: an appearance on "Dancing with the Stars," even winning it, does not seem to resurrect anyone's career. Just ask Joey Lawrence. Or L'il Romeo. Or Billy Ray Cyrus.

Say what you will about Tom DeLay, at least he never had a weird, drug-fueled, decade-long consensual sexual relationship with his own daughter who was also the star of a hit early 80s sitcom. At least not that anyone knows of.

Dickipedia: Teabaggers

2009-09-21T09:08:00Z

Teabaggers born January 20, 2009, are American protesters with little to no understanding of sexual slang.

Alright, the elephant with giant balls in the room. A "teabagger" is defined as: a man who dips his testicles into the mouth of another person (as if dipping a tea bag into hot water).

Despite the fact that calling them "dicks" seems gratuitous in its reference to the male anatomy, never has their dickishness been more evident than when they came out in droves on September 12, 2009, opposing government-run health care, higher taxes, current fashion trends, bailouts, increases in the government's power, shirts with sleeves, and all logical thought. These Teabaggers have taken part in a "grassroots" campaign that has covered the nation in spontaneous protests since tax day 2009. And by "grassroots," I mean "nationally organized and supported by Fox News."

Dickipedia: Tyra Banks

2009-09-16T14:08:05Z

Tyra Lynne Banks (born December 4, 1973) is a model turned mogul, a self-avowed "real" woman who nonetheless wears fake hair, and a dick. Granted, she is a very beautiful, very tall dick, but a dick nonetheless.

Tyra first made her mark as a supermodel, although it is unclear exactly how a model earns the honorific "super." They don't really do anything except look pouty and vomit. Oh, and every once in a while, there's a boob slip. Seems like anyone could be super at that.

Tyra is the creator, host, and head judge of "America's Next Top Model," a reality show that tortures then photographs a panel of young women competing for a chance to be tortured professionally. She co-created "True Beauty," a show that judges inner beauty, with Ashton Kutcher, a noted expert on the subject. Tyra also hosts her own talk show, runs her own company, and even recorded her own album, T.Y.R.A (the acronym stands for "Tight Yet Round Ass), which was predictably terrible.

The self-appointed voice of "real" women, Tyra bids her followers to "Rock what you got!" Of course, that's easy for her to say, considering she's got 34-28-40 measurements, a whole team of hair and makeup artists, and Karl Lagerfeld personally designing her clothes.

Kanye West: Dickipedia

2009-09-14T09:11:32Z

Kanye Omari West (born June 8, 1977 in Atlanta, GA) is a Grammy-winning producer, a platinum-selling rapper, and a dick.

Youth

Like many rappers, West grew up in an upper-class Chicago suburb where his mother was chair of the state university's English Department. His mother passed on a rich vocabulary that West later put to use when he said, "The way Kathie Lee needed Regis, that's the way y'all need Jesus."

"Through the Wire"

In 2002, West was involved in a near-fatal car crash that inspired him to appreciate the frailty of human life and led him to write the only rap song in history to contain a reference to the movie "Vanilla Sky." Despite heavy reliance on a Chaka Khan sample, "Through the Wire" became West's 2nd Top 20 single.

Style

Over the years, West has crafted a signature style built on clever wordplay and the incorporation of themes into his work that other rappers would deem childish, stupid, or "whack." These themes include "polo shirts" and "college."

The Gang Of Six: Dickipedia

2009-08-31T16:09:35Z

The Gang of Six (born July 17, 2009) is a bipartisan group of centrist and conservative Senators urging delay in consideration of health care reform, thereby ensuring that the Obama health care plan will not be passed, not before the end of the 2009 Congressional session, not ever. Comprised of six members who are all dicks in their own right, the Gang of Six is an excellent example of Gestalt dickery, in which the whole is greater than the sum of its dicks.

The Gang of Six halted progress on a potentially historic piece of legislation by mailing a letter of concern to Democratic and Republican leaders. This is the pussiest form of political protest since Sinead O'Connor ripped up that photo of the Pope on "Saturday Night Live" after singing an a cappella version of Bob Marley's "War." Remember that? WTF, right?

By the way, despite having a name that sounds like a super-villain organization--form of "Filibuster!"-- the Gang of Six is also the pussiest gang since Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby. They may as well all be wearing neckerchiefs.

Wimp-ass or not, initiation into the Gang of Six still involves killing people, just slowly, while they wither away in the waiting room at an understaffed free clinic.

The Gang of Six is totally cock-blocking Barack Obama, right when he needs to get laid the most. Legislationally-speaking, of course. You'd imagine the Obamas still hold regular press conferences in the Rose Garden, if you know what we mean. They do it. Have sex. Jeez, do you really need to have it spelled out for you like that?

Michele Bachmann: Dickipedia

2009-08-24T09:50:12Z

Michele Marie Bachmann (born April 6, 1956) is a Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota, a former Senator, a homophobe, and a dick.

In addition to being a dick, Bachmann's track record has proven she is also a full-fledged nutjob. The type of person that makes you turn to your friend the moment she gets up to use the bathroom and mouth "She's craaaaaaazy," complete with hand motions and bug-eyes.

While Bachmann has always been a local dick, she didn't come onto the national dick scene until the 2008 election when she accused Barack Obama and many members of Congress of being "anti-American."

Like her pal Palin, Bachmann is deceptively attractive. While Palin is attractive in a "if she just put down that gun, took off those glasses, and started forming complete sentences" sort of way, Bachmann has the whole girl next door thing working for her. But only if you grew up next to an insane asylum.

Bachmann has claimed that many of her career moves have been dictated by messages from God. Abraham, Moses...Michele Bachmann. That sounds about right.

Allen Stanford Dickipedia

2009-08-03T15:23:14Z

Sir Robert Allen Stanford, KCN (born March 24, 1950) is a dick financier, dick philanthropist (or, as it is sometimes referred to, "philanthrodick"), and dick sponsor of professional sports, who, throughout his illustrious career, has dicked investors out of $8 billion. Dick.

Allen Stanford is the founder, chairman, CEO, and whole owner of Stanford Financial Group, which consists of Stanford Capital Management, Stanford International Bank, Stanford Group, Stanford Trust, and Stanford Coins and Bullion. He also plays synth for new wave pop trio Stanford!

In early 2009, Allen Stanford became the subject of several financial malfeasance investigations, eventually facing civil and criminal charges in both the United States and Antigua. When a country like Antigua charges you with bank fraud and money laundering, you know you've been up to some real sketch.

On top of everything else, Allen Stanford is one of those Americans who likes to pretend to be British, like those total meat-wipes who come back from a semester in London dipping their "chips" in vinegar and listening to Radiohead. Not only is Stanford a noted cricket fan, he also holds a dual citizenship with Antigua, a country that knighted him for some reason. One imagines that reason to be a sizable cash donation to the Governor-General.

When the light hits his moustache in a certain way, Allen Stanford bears a striking resemblance to Adolph Hitler, if Hitler wore bright pink golf shirts and a $25,000 watch.

Say what you will about Allen Stanford, at least he was defrauding drug kingpins and international weapons dealers, as opposed to Nobel Peace Prize laureates, say, or Stephen Spielberg.

Nancy Grace: Dickipedia

2009-07-27T10:20:44Z

Nancy Ann Grace is an American legal commentator, television host, former prosecutor, hater of Duke lacrosse, lover of pant suits, and a dick. While many people are dicks for comedic value, Nancy Grace does not understand comedy, and is a dick because she's simply a bad person.

She frequently discusses issues from a victims' rights standpoint, with an outspoken style that has won her both condemnation and praise. The praise coming from avid fans of pant suits, the condemnation coming from everyone else, especially the makers of pant suits.

On her nightly current affairs show (which should be titled "Missing White Girls"), Grace takes pleasure in bullying guests and even her own crew. Mistreating people on national television is not all that bad, unless you consider the fact that she drove one guest to kill herself.

Oh, she also lied about the circumstances surrounding her fiancé's murder, but who doesn't?

Donald Rumsfeld: Dickipedia

2009-07-20T13:48:19Z

Donald Henry Rumsfeld (born July 9, 1932) is a businessman-politician, politican-businessman, the 13th Secretary of Defense, the 21st Secretary of Defense, and a dick.

As Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld boasts several dick distinctions, or "dickstinctions."

First, he served in the cabinets of both Gerald Ford and George W. Bush, arguably the two douchiest presidents in U.S. history. Well, okay, maybe Martin Van Buren, but at least he had bitchin' sideburns.

Rumsfeld is both the youngest and oldest person ever to hold the Defense Secretary post, as well as the second longest serving, behind fellow dick Robert McNamara. Lastly, he is the only Secretary of Defense to have the former heads of each branch of the U.S. military call for his resignation.

So profound is the scope of Donald Rumsfeld's dickery, in other words his "dick breadth," that the country will continue to smell it for years to come.

Mark Sanford Dickipedia

2009-07-13T08:48:35Z

Marshall Clement "Mark" Sanford, Jr. (born May 28, 1960) is the Governor of South Carolina, a passionate lover of Argentinean women, and a dick.

Sanford was a leading candidate for the Republican Presidential nomination until an extra-marital affair in Argentina brought national attention to his dickishness (pun very much intended).

In addition to being a disgraced politician, Sanford is also a real estate developer and Air Force Reserve captain, which allows him to screw people out of money while wearing a bomber jacket and most likely calling them "Iceman."

Ayatollah Khamenei: Dickipedia

2009-07-06T21:25:52Z

Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hoseyni Khamene'i (born July 17, 1939) is an Iranian politician, brutal dictator in religious leader's clothing, and a dick. He is not to be confused with Ayatollah Khomeini, although good luck---that whole Khomeini/Khamenei thing is really confusing.

Ayatollah Khamenei has been described as one of the three biggest influences on the Islamic Republic, the others being Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, leader of the revolution, and the tag-team of The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkov, whose victory over Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda in WrestleMania 1 remains one of the proudest moments in Iranian history.

President from 1981 to 1989, Ayatollah Khamenei succeeded Ayatollah Khomeini as Supreme Leader of Iran. Anyone who takes the title "Supreme Leader" is also, by definition, a supreme dick. Well, maybe except for Diana Ross, but even she's kind of being a c-u-next Tuesday about Michael Jackson's will.

Khamenei is a Shia Muslim, as opposed to a Sunni Muslim, two sects of Islam who hate each other both despite and because of their extreme underlying similarity, sort of like Sean Hannity and Keith Olbermann.

For most of his tenure, Khamenei has been more of a behind-the-scenes dick, a Puff Daddy to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Notorious B.I.G., so to speak (and we all know how that ends, with Ahmadinejad gunned down on his way home from the Soul Train Music Awards).

During the presidential elections and subsequent protests of June 2009, however, Khamenei whipped out his dickishness for the whole world to see. Good luck getting him to zip it up, now. Silver lining: it just might be worth dredging up those old "Ayatollah Ass-a-hollah" T-shirts you've had in your basement since 1989.

Don't let the dastar fool you. Once he gets a couple of dooghs in him, Ayatollah Khamenei can Baba karam with the best of them.

Pick A Dick: You Choose The Next Five People To Get The Dickipedia Treatment! (SLIDESHOW) (POLL)

2009-07-06T11:41:05Z

Dickipedia is HuffPost Comedy's contribution to the world of Internet encyclopedias. It chronicles the major dicks of our time ranging from Rod Blagojevich to Carlos Mencia, Madonna to Ahmadinejad, Donald Trump to Pat Robertson, The 2006 Cincinnati Bengals to Jim Cramer (see a full list here). We bring you one new post a week and we want your input on who should be next. If you think we left people off this list, tell us in the comments. If not, vote away!

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Dickipedia: Tom Tancredo

2009-06-29T08:47:04Z

Thomas Gerard Tancredo (born December 20, 1945) is a former Republican member of the United States House of Representatives, former presidential candidate, member of the lollipop guild, ideological ringer for your borderline-racist grandfather, and a dick.

Tancredo's sole political position seems to be resolute opposition to illegal immigration. This stance, however, seems to be less so informed by logic and reason and more so informed by panic that one of the Tancredo grandkids will be named Tom Tancredo-Rodriguez. It's as though, after seeing the first act of West Side Story, he got all fired up and stormed out and never saw the ending.

Some critics have identified Tancredo as hispanophobic, which is actually incorrect. He's also afraid of Muslims. And once said we should threaten to bomb Mecca.

One thing, however, that Tancredo has not demonstrated a fear of is looking like a fool on television, an activity he has frequently pursued.

During the 2008 Presidential campaign, Tancredo--America's littlest candidate--used every form of implicit racism and fear mongering available to him. For most Americans, this aggressive (if coarse and ignoble) campaign technique was still not enough to make him at all distinguishable from Duncan Hunter or Jim Gilmore, two fellow candidates best known for having been candidates.

Dickipedia: Heidi And Spencer Pratt

2009-06-22T08:42:58Z

Heidi and Spencer Pratt (married April 25, 2009) are a couple of publicity whores, famous for tabloid feuding with even more idiotic publicity whores. That, and getting dropped off in some jungle somewhere (along with two of the Baldwin brothers and Lou Diamond Phillips). Oh right, and they're dicks.

Heidi and Spencer--or "Speidi," as they are sometimes called--are not especially charismatic or good looking, and possess absolutely no special skills, unless you consider applying lip gloss a special skill.

Of course, they did successfully weasel their way into the world of rich, young, immaculately-tweezed socialites, which definitely takes a measure of finesse. Heidi and Spencer have also made an art out of publicly befriending then publicly defriending then publicly refriending then publicly re-defriending (and so on) other brainless residents of Orange County, California.

Of Heidi and Spencer, Spencer is the cute one, Heidi the talented one. It's hard to say which is more insulting to whom.

Dickipedia: Newt Gingrich

2009-06-14T22:13:19Z

Newton "Newt" Leroy Gingrich (born June 17, 1943) is an American politician, author, former Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, 1994 Time magazine Person of the Year, college history professor, professional hypocrite, loudmouth, panderer, adulterer, and a dick.

Gingrich's first name comes from an abbreviation of Newton and not from his parents naming him after a lizard. It is extremely unlikely that a man with such jowls could've ever been likened to a long, slender animal surviving on a healthy, high protein diet.

Through such landmarks as the Contract with America and the subsequent Republican Revolution, Gingrich would follow the time-honored--if paradoxical--Republican Party tradition of somehow cementing a favorable legacy while almost never achieving an approval rating above 50%.

Though Gingrich's career has been mostly comprised of attacks on other officials and a spotty ethical and moral record, he has maintained a prominent position in a faltering party searching for a clear leader who's not a complete embarrassment.

A champion of Christian morality, Gingrich had three different wives over 35 years, though during that period, was only unmarried for a total of less than a year. Simple arithmetic suggests that either Gingrich is incredibly impulsive or his position on family values might include a bit more extramarital fucking than one might have originally thought.

Dickipedia: Perez Hilton

2009-05-31T19:32:10Z

Mario Armando Lavandeira (born March 23, 1978), better known by the dick pseudonym--or "dickonym"--Perez Hilton, is a bitchy, narcissistic, star-f**king leech with an active blogspot account and, incredibly, his own TV show on VH-1 (although to be fair, VH-1 gives shows to everyone, even Bret Michaels of Poison... even the girls who get dumped by Bret Michaels of Poison on his VH-1 show). Oh, lest we forget, Perez Hilton is a dick.

His celebrity gossip site, Perezhilton.com, is little more than a collection of illegally re-posted tabloid photos with stupid captions and doodles scrawled all over them. Oh, and sometimes he posts links to homemade sex tapes featuring famous people, many of whom are famous primarily for their appearance in said homemade sex tapes. He also outs various famous people, many of whom, again, are famous primarily for Perez Hilton outing them. Still, the site enjoys incredible popularity, ranking as the 491st most-trafficked website on the Internet (143rd within the U.S.). Of course, he's still getting his ass handed to him by LOLcats, that porno YouTube site, and MILFhunter.com.

It is hard to imagine someone who has done less than Perez Hilton to gain a similar level of notoriety; even Jared Fogle lost several hundred pounds. Maybe the "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy... or Bristol Palin. But that'd be about it.

Also, Perez Hilton nurtures a taste for dying his hair outlandish colors that would only be considered cool by gay men and fourteen-year-old girls, two groups whose tastes, oddly enough, mimic each other's quite closely.

Think of Perez Hilton as a younger, thinner Bruce Villanch, only without any writing talent.

Dickipedia: John Boehner

2009-05-25T09:41:48Z

John Andrew Boehner (born November 17, 1949) is an American Republican politician, United States Representative from Ohio, tanorexia sufferer, House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi nemesis, and a dick.

In May 2009, weekly tracking polls indicated that Boehner remained the most unpopular politician in the United States, though it is unclear if this statistic factored in his favorability among elderly conservative women or the staff of Jamaica Me Tan in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Boehner spent most of his political career railing against corruption and scandal in Washington, though--ironically--it was a series of Washington scandals that directly resulted in the few professional successes Boehner's had, including his Congressional seat and House Majority leadership.

Undoubtedly eliciting countless giggles in high school Civics classrooms nationwide, the Congressman's surname is correctly pronounced "BAY-ner." Though--fittingly--its phonetic pronunciation is a colloquial term for an erection of the male reproductive organ.

Dickipedia: Rick Perry

2009-05-18T08:05:06Z

James Richard "Rick" Perry (born March 4, 1950) is the secession-happy governor of Texas, an outspoken Christian Conservative despite the fact that outspoken Christian Conservatism is so 2002, and a dick.

Rick Perry is the longest-serving governor in Texas history, making him one of the most influential people in a state primarily known for its barbecue, belt buckles, longhorn hood ornaments, and lethal injections of the mentally handicapped. As such, Perry has appointed nearly every state officer, board, or commission member a governor can appoint someone to, including five of the nine state supreme court justices. He also does most of the choreography for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Leathery and blow-dried, Perry easily lays claim to the title of "Most Bouffant U.S. Governor," especially now that Rod Blagojevich has officially been barred from holding the office ever again.

Recently, Perry has drawn attention for his criticism of the Obama administration's handling of the recession, and for turning down approximately $555 million in federal stimulus money. Though he has officially "said thanks, but no thanks" on that bridge-loan to nowhere, you can be sure that federal money will quietly find its way into state coffers anyway. Also, Texas isn't going secede any sooner than Jim Carey is going to win an Oscar.

In this, Rick Perry epitomizes all the Republicans who "vowed" to move to Canada if Barack Obama won the election, and before them, all the Democrats who said the same of a George W. Bush victory in 2004. As if Canada would even take them.

Dickipedia: The Flu

2009-05-11T08:58:02Z

Influenza, commonly referred to as the flu, is an infectious disease caused by RNA viruses, a deadly public health risk, and a dick.

The most common symptoms of the disease are chills, fever, sore throat, muscle pains, severe headache, coughing, complaining, whining, sneezing, and small panic attacks in your mom even though she lives in a different state and you're now an adult who is totally capable of taking care of themselves.

While influenza causes the death of hundreds of thousands of people each season, its most notable dick characteristic is that it makes you use up all of your sick days for the whole year, even the ones you were saving to sneak off during March Madness.

Cruelly, the flu targets weak and defenseless individuals, such as the elderly, helping to cement its villainous dick reputation. Many of influenza's sinister qualities, however, are slightly lessened when one considers that this global nightmare can be defeated merely by washing your hands and getting enough fluids.

The scientific term "influenza"--like pizza, organized crime, and Long Island--originated in Italy. It is derived from the Italian word "influenza," which means: "to drink a lot of ginger ale."

Dickipedia: Your Mom

2009-05-09T00:02:54Z

Your mom (various birth dates) is the woman who gave birth to you; the person who nurtured you, changed your diapers, raised you, supported you, instilled in you a moral and ethical center; is the proud, beaming parent who loves you more than life itself; and a dick.

She would be very disappointed if she knew you were reading this.

Dickipedia: Rupert Murdoch

2009-05-04T10:39:02Z

Keith Rupert Murdoch, AC, KCSG (born March 11, 1931) is an Australian-born media mogul, wrinkled-up sourpuss, and a dick. As the owner of several media outlets, as well as the majority shareholder, chairman, and managing director of News Corporation, Murdoch is single-handedly responsible for the tabloidification of mainstream news across the globe, in all formats. As such, he can officially be credited with ruining Michael Jackson's life.

While Rupert Murdoch does, in fact, come from the Land Down Under, should you ask him if he "speaks-a your language," he probably won't just smile and hand you a Vegemite sandwich.

With a net worth of $4 billion, Murdoch ranks as the 132nd-wealthiest person on earth. Of course he's still getting his ass waxed by Bill Gates, the entire Walton family, and the Sultan of Brunei. At least he's still beating Oprah.

Ted Turner wants to tear Rupert Murdoch a new one so bad, he'd sell all his rights to the Oglalla Acquifer--and throw in a used pair of Jane Fonda's panties--just to get him in the Octagon for one round.

(Got dicks that we don't? Tell us who you want to see in Dickipedia in the comments section!)

Dickipedia: John Yoo

2009-04-27T09:34:40Z

John Choon Yoo (born June 10, 1967) is an American attorney, former U.S. Justice Department official, Berkeley law professor, writer of memos, foremost authority on routing the U.S. Constitution, alleged war criminal, and an all-around good person. It is important to note however that--though it contradicts all rational reason--in this article, "an all-around good person" has been redefined narrowly to mean "a dick."

Yoo is an eminent scholar of the document known as U.S. Constitution, though this refers specifically to an edition of it that is missing several amendments and has been integrated with entries from Vice President Dick Cheney's bedtime dream journal.

Having devoted his life to the common dick practice of redefining words to mean something different and more convenient, Yoo, during the course of one business day, redefined "acceptable behavior for a civilized nation" to "pretty much anything up to the reenactment of an Eli Roth movie."

Yoo's work is chiefly responsible for the supposed legal justification the Bush administration asserted for the use of "enhanced interrogation techniques," which is like a crazy corporate marketing-speak term for when the vendor fake drowns the consumer.

In his professional world, Yoo's work has caused him to stand out as a shining dick, which, considering this is the legal community we're talking about, is a major achievement in and of itself.

(Got dicks that we don't? Tell us who you want to see in Dickipedia in the comments section!)

Dickipedia: Matt Lauer

2009-04-20T08:18:17Z

Matthew Todd Lauer (December 30, 1957) is a popular television journalist--or "anchortainer" in common parlance--the host of NBC's The "Today Show," and a dick. Incredibly, he has earned a reputation as a shrewd interviewer, but don't let that fool you. The Today Show is the People magazine of TV news, and Matt Lauer has no problem devoting hours on end to stories about quirky kitchen gadgets, fashion tips for spring, and presidential pet adoption.

As the "Today Show"'s resident man candy, Matt Lauer's specialty is making post-menopausal women wet, which, when you think about it, is actually a pretty neat trick. But with little talent other than the ability to look interested and sit there with his legs crossed longer than any other guy's nads could stand, Lauer will most likely never leave the show. In this way, he is the Darrell Hammond to Katie Couric's Will Ferrell, and he knows it.

Still, Al Roker wishes he was Matt Lauer so bad, he feels a high-pressure system coming on just thinking about it.