Everything Hurts

No, I don't think it's exploitative to have children on the air 24/7. Look at "American Chopper." Is that a functional family or what? And can those boys bend pipe.

This is a great time to be an American. And I wouldn't be saying that if I wasn't Simon Cowell wealthy and I hadn't misnumbered my pages.

My son Larry is 13 years old, a straight-A student and captain of his junior high school baseball team. When and how should I talk with him about taking female fertility drugs?

On behalf of my fellow inmates throughout the country, I don't appreciate the arrogance of those who laugh when they read Saddam Hussein's letters complaining about noise in prison.

The people of Minnesota have spoken. And spoken. Gone fishing, come back and spoken again. They want full representation in Washington. They want a new voice.

You think a highly contagious bug crawled under a hole in the fence, or better yet, hitched a ride in the trunks of some kid on Spring Break in Ixtapa?

I remember seeing that poll you were talking about. The poll where two out of three New Yorkers would rather have Eliot Spitzer as governor. It was Page One, above the fold, in the Eliot Spitzer Gazette.

Nadya Suleman is caught in the crucible of infamy. She's got 14 children and the bank just foreclosed on her shoe. She needs our compassion. You might need Depakote.

So, you're no longer married? Shocking. Let me guess the grounds for divorce: Irreconcilable putziness?

The ball takes off, starts careening back and forth off the outhouse walls, picking up speed bingbingbingbingbing, finally flies out the door, hits his wife in the head, knocks her out, kills her.

You're clearly in the middle of an identity crisis and a crisis of faith. Say, you know what's good for that? A faith lift!

So yes, you're right, men are intimidated by smart, successful, gorgeous women. Congratulations. Take a bow, genius. You figured it out. Not exactly the DaVinci Code.

Look, you had a nice run. Eight years. You got to see Greater Fallujah, the mountainous border region of Afghanistan, and I would guess, the Pacific Palisades. And I'm sure you had more than a few laughs with Cheney.

Sure, having sex with a vacuum cleaner seems like a good idea at the time, but you have to think these things through. Like any impulsive encounter, there can be consequences. Believe me, I know about attachments.