Happiness on The Huffington Post

C. Clinton Sidle: Happiness, Success, and the Spirit of Giving

2009-12-24T05:46:04Z

In the media this last week and featured in the New York Times editorial page yesterday is a new study on happiness by Andrew Oswald of Warwick University in England and Stephen Wu of Hamilton College in NY. It explores quality of life data like weather, crime, traffic, and living costs with an indicator they call happiness and ranks each of the states by it. Missed in the hubbub about the article is that some of our wealthiest states -- New York, California, Connecticut -- also seem to be the grumpiest states.

It makes me wonder, especially during the holiday season, what really does bring happiness? Is it the quality of life measures suggested by the study? My bet is it's something deeper. On another level, health, achievement, pleasure, romance, looking good, and not looking stupid seems to be our constant companions, but do these pursuits bring us lasting happiness? Happiness is aided by these things, but satisfaction in them often leads to wanting even more of them, and like a candle consuming itself, it is exhausted through usage. It is not enough. Like Lily Tomlin once said, "the problem with winning the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat." So if you acquire, position, or manipulate something in your outside for your happiness, isn't that a frail premise to lean on?

A couple of years ago during Christmas season I decided to wrap up and cash-in a basket of coins I had accumulated. Every day when I come home I empty whatever change I have in my pocket into this basket. In the past, this change would disappear as my children would pick through it for extra spending money. Now in an empty nest, it was over flowing. So I threw the change in a bag and took it to the local grocery store where there was an automatic coin sorter. As I was entering the store, an old friend of mine was ringing the bell at a Salvation Army donation stop. I spontaneously handed the bag of coins to him and we instantly broke into laughter and appreciation for what we were both doing. That moment stuck with me and continued to serve as a source of joy, comfort, and happiness for days.

The spirit of Christmas is one of giving, and as we have often heard, in giving, we also receive. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "It is one of the beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely help another without helping himself." Have you ever given your time to help someone with a flat tire, given directions to someone who is lost, given up your seat to someone who needs it more, or simply given support to someone having a bad day? What happens to you inside? I'll bet that those small acts of generosity are often the highlight of your day. Everyone is better off and you get a helper's high.

I have been a student of happiness in my spiritual path and human effectiveness in my work most of my adult life. The irony is, as these seemingly separate pursuits began to merge for me, I found that what makes you happy can also make you successful. The spirit of giving gave me the clue. I found the basic secret to greater happiness and success is to move from a self centered world to a more other centered world.

How does this work? It's a simple, elegant trick - you just engage the world in ways that lessens your grip of self-concern. Let's look at it.

First happiness. The amazing thing is that as you shift your focus from yourself to others and to causes in your outer world, good feelings arise inside. When you are frustrated with the cashier for being slow, for instance, put yourself in that person's shoes for a moment and see what happens inside. O try truly empathizing with another person, or supporting them something without expectation in return, and see what happens. Again, good feelings arise, and so does your positive self regard. Compare that to getting a new a new car, or a new outfit. Which feeling is greater or more enduring?

Here is another take on it. Have you ever asked whether happiness makes you kind, or if being kind makes you happy? Interesting question isn't it? Studies show that acts of kindness lead to greater happiness. Why? Because it takes the focus off of you and places it on someone else.

I have often been asked, "I just don't feel giving or kind or grateful, so how can I act that way?" Daniel Goleman says we don't think our way into new behaviors, we behave our way into new ways of thinking. We can rewire ourselves through our actions, and those actions can lead to changes in our being. Instead of the power of positive thinking, it is the power of positive action. So acting with kindness evokes feelings of kindness, generosity feelings of generosity, and gratitude feelings of gratefulness. Your happiness grows. It's the same principle.

In commenting on how he achieved greater happiness philosopher Bertrand Russell said "Gradually I learned to be indifferent to myself and my deficiencies; I came to center my attention increasingly upon external objects: the state of the world, various branches of knowledge, individuals for whom I felt affection." If you pursue happiness it will elude you, but if you focus on your family, your friends, your work and doing your very best with them, happiness will find you.

Now success. In his ground breaking research, Jim Collins found that the highest performing organizations tend to be led by people who were both driven (not so surprising) and humble (surprising). By humble he meant that they worked quietly behind the scenes on serving the mission of the organization and those who were serving that mission, rather than themselves. They balanced their personal ambition with a dedication to a cause and helping others serving it. And that is a key point - they were both selfish as well as selfless - driven to succeed while being in service to other. Highly effective people are not free of self-interest - they just have something else they are working on too.

There is now a whole canon of research on human effectiveness that shows that overly self-interested ways of being results in problems while opening to others makes for more productive, creative, and adaptive ways.

This just makes sense. Think of it, if you are on a team and everyone is playing as a team, then the team performs better. The whole is greater than the sum of the individual parts. On the other hand, if everyone plays for themselves, then the team performs worse. Are you there for you, or are you there for the others too and the greater purpose? It is that simple.

In my own study of success and leadership, this is easy to see. I have found that those who serve other tend to succeed while those who serve self tend to derail. It is so predictable. Don't get me wrong -- we always act in our own self interest, but it is in our own self interest to act in the interest of others too. Great leaders are also serving something other than themselves. Some may get by overly committing to self interests in the short run but not over the long haul.

Finally, the most interesting thing in all this is that the better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are also to extend yourself out and help in positive ways. It's like Mark Twain said, "Whoever is happy, will make others happy too." So to live and lead your life from this other centered place is a powerful catalyst for positive change, not only in your life, but in the lives of others too.

Clint Sidle is the Director of the Roy H. Park Leadership Fellows Program at the Johnson School - Cornell University and author of This Hungry Spirit: Your Need for Basic Goodness (December 2009) www.larsonpublications.com.

Soren Gordhamer: The Greatest Gift We Can Give

2009-12-23T15:03:52Z

I have to admit: I am generally not a big fan of the holiday season. Busy streets, crowded stores, mass consumption... I often wonder in all the frenetic shopping, how much true authentic connection and meaning is occurring.

Yes, the holidays encourage us to give, but whose is to say that giving is motivated by a true sense of connection?

Yes, the holidays often bring families together, but whose to say that this coming together will be one of discord or harmony?

Reflecting on this, I remembered a quote from the Buddha when he said, "The greatest gift you can give another is the gift of Dharma." I like to think of Dharma not just as the teachings of the Buddha, but the teachings of the truth, or the ways things are.

Now, if I said to my child, "I am only giving you the gift of truth this year," I think he would be greatly disappointed. At the surface, he does not want the truth; he wants the new Super Mario Brothers for the wii game. That's what matters to him.

I do not think the answer is to deny children the things of this world or boycott Christmas. After all, most spiritual teachings encourage giving. The Buddha said:

Giving is the noble expression of the benevolence of the mighty. Even dust, given in a child innocence, is a good gift. No gift given in good faith to a worthy recipient can be called small; its effect is so great.

Jesus did as well, explaining that it is easy to give out of abundance, quite another to do so when we cannot afford to, but that the latter is when it is really tested.

I realize though that I can buy my son the gifts that seem appropriate and that I can afford, including the latest Wii game, and at the same time remind him that the object is also impermanent, just like everything else in the world and that it can never provide him true happiness. While on the surface, he wants the latest toy, I know deep down he, like all of us, wants to be happy.

The challenge in the holiday season is not only to buy gifts, though that is nice too, but the deeper challenge is to also give the gift of truth, realizing both the momentary joy objects can bring and the more enduring happiness that is possible when realize that there is a spiritual dimension to being that can be accessed no matter the number of objects or toys in our lives. In fact, we can likely enjoy them more when we know that our well-being does not depend on them.

Dr. Elsbeth Meuth: The Tiger Phenomenon - Chasing the Illusion

2009-12-23T10:43:52Z

Much has been written about Tiger Woods - ranging from psychological analysis to speculation to moralistic assessment. Blame has been placed: It was Tiger's fault; the mistresses were seductresses or his wife was the victim. Who was the predator or the prey? Tiger is from Mars, Elin is from Venus.

The question I'd like to pose is: What can we learn about our cultural conditioning regarding marriage, love, intimacy, fulfillment, and happiness... that is not unique to Tiger and his relationships., but rather plays out as an archetypal structure of the human evolution.

Looking from the view of Quantum physics, where particles (or people) are electromagnetically interconnected, we could say that participants within a certain system like relationships, families, communities, organizations, etc., are interconnected. Nothing happens in isolation.

Translating this into Tiger's situation - the interconnectedness between all players becomes apparent: Each of them played their role according to their consciousness. The level of consciousness has to do with what we see or don't see about ourselves. The less I see about myself the more unconscious I am.

The most immediate test for identifying the level of one's consciousness lies in the observation of the results one's actions and behaviors produce. When breakdowns and suffering show up in our relationship(s) we know that those are indicators of unconsciousness. So, how can we shift from unconsciousness (blindness about oneself) to consciousness?

I call this form of blindness in relationship living in an illusion. One core illusion in the relational context is driven by a desire for being loved, approved of, or feeling satisfied. There is a sense of need or a needy feeling. The expectation is that the fulfillment of the desires is attained through someone, something or some circumstance. As long as the illusion remains obscured and unexamined the chase for fulfilling the desire sustains. Moments of excitement and high might be experienced in a fleeting way yet lasting happiness, joy and intimacy are unattainable.

However, there is no cheese down that tunnel. Fulfillment in sex, intimacy, love, relationship or marriage is not available through another or a circumstance. Fulfillment resides within - and that's the re-discovery for us as human beings. This re-discovery of an original state of being will open the possibility for bliss. And this bliss can then be shared with another versus longed for to be sourced by another.

The Tiger phenomenon is a reminder for where we are in our human evolution and a call to examine the illusions each of us might live in. We choose to what extent we are ready and willing to evolve. Frequently the reaching of a critical point of pain is the wake-up call overriding the long held need for secrecy or pretense. The signal could be the SUV hitting the fire hydrant in the early morning hours, the discovery of voice messages or finding out not to not be the only mistress.

Upon the wake-up call, all players - husband, wife and mistresses - have now a tremendous opportunity to evolve themselves according to their wish for consciousness and level of self-generated fulfillment they aspire towards. As a consequence of stepping out of illusion into consciousness, suffering within oneself and in relationship diminishes and ultimately disappears.

Elsbeth Meuth, EdD, is an internationally renowned seminar leader, intimacy expert and relationship coach. She co-produced the best-selling DVD series Creating Intimacy & Love, and is the co-founder and director of the TantraNova Institute in Chicago. Over the last decade she has impacted thousands of couples and singles expand their intimate and love life. She and her partner, Freddy Zental Weaver, were featured on Showtime's documentary Sexual Healing.

To learn more about creating lasting intimacy & love go to TantraNova.com.

Jasmine Boussem: The Art of Branding Emotions

2009-12-22T15:40:52Z

Whatever the economy may be doing to certain financial sectors, the "Emotions-as-a-Disease" business is thriving.

I just can't watch a commercial for prescription drugs without thinking I need a cab to Bellevue ASAP, or at the very least, I need to "talk to my doctor" about whether the benefits of this or that drug outweigh the possible side effects.

If you are taking a medication for high blood pressure, low blood pressure, changeable blood pressure, post nasal drip or acne you should not take Cheer-up-o-zine. If you experience instant death, stop taking Cheer-up-o-zine and contact your doctor immediately. People with a history of eating or breathing should not take Cheer-up-o-zine. In some case, spontaneous combustion has been reported.

Did this obsession with feeling good all the time start with the sex-drugs-and-rock-and-roll generation? Do we really believe that anyone who is not a walking smiley button is a deviant? Is optimism the only socially acceptable emotion on the spectrum?

In her new book, Bright-sided: How Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America", Barbara Ehrenreich argues that the obsession with positive thinking is not only at times delusional but sometimes it can be downright dangerous. When someone is irrationally optimistic and happy, despite alarming life conditions and discouraging events, do you consider them mentally healthy? A lot of these happy pills actually weaken our emotional immune system, which eventually makes it harder to deal with anything challenging.

Why can't we be depressed or feel sad anymore without being sent on a trip to the psychotropics? The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration says nearly 7 million Americans currently abuse prescription drugs. An increasing number of people are becoming convinced that they are sick when they are actually feeling exactly that which makes them human.

Emotions across the entire range are what distinguish us from other species. There is a rainbow of emotions available to us and they all serve a purpose in our growth and expansion. Actually, the only people who are said to not feel emotions are psychopaths and the dead.

Sooner or later, if you squelch all of your negative emotions, you will begin to automatically monitor all of your emotions to see whether they pass muster, at which point what remains is no longer emotions, but a sort of a mask, a smiley mask, dead behind the eyes.

Foucault once said that once you give a name to something, it becomes real, even if it was only a concept before you named it. Maybe that is the difference between a disease and one's individual slice of the human condition. Whereas the Existentialists had to write a novel to express it, now we give it a name, and poof, it's a disease. Presumably, if Sartre had been properly diagnosed and medicated, "No Exit" would have been "What Color is Your Door?"

Talking about diagnosis, in a recent article in the Atlantic, author Joshua Shenk explains that Lincoln fought clinical depression all his life and that if he were diagnosed today, he would certainly be disqualified for leadership. What a loss to the country this could have been! Joshua shenk argues that "what needs 'treatment' is our own narrow ideas -- of depression as an exclusively medical ailment that must be, and will be, squashed; of therapy as a thing dispensed only by professionals and measured only by a reduction of pain."

Some of the emotions that are considered dark are the very ones that help us build our emotional muscle and resilience. We are capable of being strong when dealing with challenging situations if we confront the reality, not when we hide from it. The more we learn to deal with issues, the stronger we become as human beings. Instead, we are encouraged to become crippled emotionally, incapable of feeling anything unpleasant or dealing with anything in the future realistically. Being "realistic" is treated by the smiley-bots as though it is a pathetic delusion.

And it's even more alarming in the case of young children. One of my very young nieces was diagnosed with ADD a few months ago because she could not focus during one of her classes. She was going to be prescribed one of the available drugs. As it turns out, nothing was wrong with her though, she just had zero interest in the subject that was being taught. Of course, since the teacher was completely convinced of his own brilliance (taking his Cheer-o-zine, no doubt) he astutely spotted the signs of her disorder and encouraged the parents to seek the help of a psychiatrist. Fortunately, sane heads prevailed, and my niece was not turned into a zombie.

Now let me clarify that I am not attacking prescription drugs use, but rather it's abuse and the addictions that result. Some have been able to use psychotropic medications on their path to recovery and that is wonderful. The problem arises when the standard solution to every uncomfortable emotion is to make it go away, with no regard to the collateral damage.

One danger with a lot of the prescription drugs is the myth that they are safe or they would not be sold. But just because something is packaged in a colorful box and sold by a pharmacist does not make it safer than drugs that can be found on street corners. I still haven't heard about anyone dying from pot, but I certainly couldn't say the same about prescription drugs. According to statistics from the National Drug control policy, prescription drug abuse has killed more than 8500 Americans in 2005. FDA-approved medications given to people who don't need them can create more harm than the symptoms they are supposed to be curing.

Experiencing emotions fully and expressing them, even if they might make us seem less attractive or powerful, is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. It takes strength and courage to fully embrace what we are feeling instead of rushing to the latest numbing pill or philosophy to flatline our feelings.

By the way, have you noticed that in the operating room, a flat line on the machine is bad news. It means "dead". The sign of life is when that line is going up and down.

Andrew Shapter: An Interview with a REAL Santa

2009-12-22T13:04:59Z

Posing with Santa Claus at Christmas is one of those great American traditions that we hold dear. Each year, every kid, smiling or crying, from one to 92 lines up in malls and shopping centers across the country to have their photo snapped with the jolliest, most famous, red-suited, white-bearded philanthropist on the planet. It's a magical time when kids are encouraged to dream as big as they can, and for families to have a keepsake that they can cherish for generations to come.

But when all of the photos have been taken, and all of the wish lists have been heard and guaranteed on a "naughty or nice" basis, most families go back to their homes for a long winter's nap, and most "Santas" pack up the suit, take off the beard, and call it a day until next December. But for one Santa in Austin, Texas, every day is Christmas. His real name is Alan Graham, and for the past 11 years, as co-founder of Mobile Loaves and Fishes he has taken his role to heart. Today, armed with a fleet of 13 trucks, an uncanny resemblance to St. Nick and an unconditional love for his fellow man, Graham is one of the toughest soldiers leading the fight to end homelessness in America, and his mission to serve this country's less fortunate is as unwavering as his dedication to a higher calling.

Catching up with Alan and his team of volunteers on the eve of a holiday season that will see a significant increase in the number of homeless families in need of food and shelter, I asked him to share his thoughts on the concept of Christmas 365 days a year and how we as Americans can change the state of homelessness in this country by not only facing our fears, but by changing our attitudes about the homeless.

How many times have you been Santa Claus for the holidays? (or when did you get your start?)

Funny you should ask. I actually began playing Santa when I was 15 years old back in Alvin, Texas. I was hired to play Santa at an old Gibson's department store. The next year they actually flew me in on a helicopter. I gained a reputation and started to play Santa for some of the mentally challenged folks who lived in my town.

What did you do before Mobile Loaves & Fishes?

I was in the real estate development business. Particularly towards the end of this part of my life I was focused on developing air cargo facilities on airports around the U.S.

When did Mobile Loaves & Fishes get its start?

The idea germinated in the Spring/Summer of 1998. My wife Tricia and I were having coffee with a friend of ours who was telling us about a ministry in Corpus Christi where multiple churches would come together on cold winter nights to distribute resources to the brothers and sisters who lived on the streets. It was at this moment that the idea of a catering truck as a distribution vehicle entered my conscious mind.

What did it take to get started?

Acting on the idea. That simple really. Once I began to share the idea with others the concept just took off.

Do you remember your first day?

First, we had to prove that this was something we could do. So on October 13th, 1998 six of us loaded up 75 sack meals into the back of my buddy's green mini-van and hit the streets of Austin. Our first stop we ran into a homeless couple who lost their friend the night before to an accident. They were awash in grieving and there we were at this most appropriate time in their lives and ours. We have never looked back since.

Do you have any prior experience dealing with the homeless? Does it require training?

None really. Unless you recall the time in about 1981 when my then girlfriend, now wife, Tricia was accosted and panhandled by a homeless man in downtown Austin as being experience. I was incensed and berated this poor fellow telling him to get a job and lift himself out of his pathetic situation. I thought I was being righteous but realized later I was being an ass.

No training required. It is on-the-job training. Just care about other people.

What are some of the biggest misconceptions about the homeless?

I would say that the biggest misconception is that they are lazy, drug addicts and choose to be this way. Nothing can be further from the truth. I tell people that in all the years I have been doing this I have never and I mean NEVER come across anyone who chooses homelessness as a lifestyle choice. Accepting, yes. Choice, no. In terms of being lazy I can tell you that it is quite the opposite. Having spent many, many nights on the streets I have found that the homeless are quite resilient and resourceful and the opposite of lazy. I often half seriously joke that if Armageddon hits we all need to leave the comforts of home and find the homeless population; you will survive there. Drug addicts? This particular segment of our population is infected with this disease too. The U.S. Conference of Mayors study on homelessness found that 25 percent of the homeless population battles issues of addictions. That also means that 75 percent don't battle this disease.

People have told me that they are often conflicted about what they should do when they encounter a homeless person. There is often suspicion about what the homeless person is really up to. Some question if the homeless person is being honest about what they really need. How do you know when to help and when not to?

Just saw a three panel cartoon the other day. Homeless person holding a sign that says "Being honest and I just need a drink". Next panel shows a fellow handing over some money and saying that they appreciate the honesty then in the third panel the homeless person is at the local fast food joint getting a bite to eat with the recently "dishonestly" acquired funds. We send out mixed signals and like Madison Avenue they play to that. Kind of like GM implying that if we buy that new red Corvette that the blonde babe will come along too.

Say that your generosity is between you and your God. We pray that our generosity will be used for positive purposes but we really can never control that. And frankly the person may have a wife and child just out of our sight and they need formula and diapers but if I only focus on the negative -- that they will buy drugs, alcohol or tobacco -- then I miss the opportunity to help really fill the need. I say, let them carry the burden of how they use our generosity. I don't want to be oppressed by the fear of being "scammed" out of my dollar.

Help when your heart says to help and leave it at that.

Most of the homeless population in the U.S. are concentrated in urban areas, so if you could address all the city mayors at once, what would you tell them?

If you want to understand homelessness you MUST first understand what H-O-M-E is! In the ground breaking book "Beyond Homeless" the authors talk about the phenomenology of home and that there are eight characteristics of home. Home is a place of permanence. Home is a dwelling place. Home is a storied place. Home is a place of hospitality. Home is a safe resting place. Home is a place of orientation. Home is a place of embodied inhabitation. And Home is a place of affiliation and belonging.

Our political leaders do not have a clue what HOME really is, and so will never be able to address the real causes of homelessness. They must come to grips with this. Go to mlfnow.org/HOW to learn more about what HOME means.

How has your experience working with Mobile Loaves & Fishes changed you?

Profoundly! Really hard to articulate this but the past 11 years have been transforming in many ways.

Your story appears in my new documentary called Happiness Is, so does serving the homeless actually make you happy?

I often say that if there were a Fortune 500 for the happiest people on the planet I would have to be in consideration for the top spot. Happy? More than I have ever been. Serving PERIOD makes you happy. Serving is the happy drug. Take some and get hooked!

If someone wants to help the homeless but they are not sure what to do or where to go, what advice do you have for them?

Begin big by rolling down your tinted windows and saying hello. Start there and repeat as often as possible and then see where that leads. It is that simple yet profound.

Alan Graham appears in my latest film Happiness Is. Watch him in action.

To learn more about how you can be involved in his fight to end homlessness, visit MLFNOW.Org More on the film Happiness Is here.

Ed and Deb Shapiro: A Letter From Santa: Oh Yes We Can!

2009-12-22T08:50:39Z

Did you ever notice that extraordinary things happen at this time of year? Last week we wrote about Santa being a great Yogi, and then out of nowhere we received a touching letter from him:

Dear Ed and Deb,

Unfortunately, Mrs. Santa does not agree with you that I am a great Yogi. She says that just because I can fly and have many different names is no indication of spiritual attainment, and that I still have a long way to go. For instance, she says I first have to learn how to wash the dishes and sweep the floor! So, sadly, I must hand back your accolade and ask you to simply refer to me as a jolly old man with a few magical powers who likes to make people happy.

However, I would like to take this opportunity to offer a Christmas message to all your readers. I started giving presents to young and old as a way to make everyone feel more appreciated and happier. I thought that would lead to everyone treating each other a bit more nicely, that we would become more caring and friendly to one another. But it seems that my message of kindness and generosity has become somewhat lost amidst the shopping bags. We may be kind to our families but we tend to forget about anyone else.

I would like to tell your readers that I believe in peace and kindness for all. So if they want, they can join me by opening their hearts, not just their wallets, and recognizing that we are all one big human family and we all need to be loved and appreciated, whatever color our skin may be or whatever our name is. Yes we can! And we can do this not just for one day a year, but for every day of the year. Do good and be good!

I have friends who say, "Think with your heart and not with your head." Everyone needs to be appreciated and loved. I remember when you guys worked in the kitchen in a homeless shelter. You served those dear ones food and, as I recall, everyone had big smiles on their faces. Just as when you volunteered at Hospice.

We can all just stop for a moment and say, "Oh, yes we can!" Because there is nothing we can't do with a loving heart. It is by truly believing this that I am able to deliver presents to children all around the world all at the same time!

Thank you for letting a caring old man say what he really feels. I can hear Rudolph calling so I have to head back to help the tireless elves at work, before I go to Mrs. Santa's kitchen for a dishwashing lesson!

Happy Holidays to all,
Santa

How can we all be kinder? How can we all contribute to making this a better world? Do comment below. You can receive notice of our blogs every Tuesday by checking Become a Fan at the top.

You can order a copy of our latest book at: BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World

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Ed and Deb Shapiro's new book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You And The World, forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors such as Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Ellen Burstyn, Michael Beckwith, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jane Fonda, Jack Kornfield, Byron Katie, Dean Ornish, and others is published by Sterling Ethos. Deb is the author of the award-winning book YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND. Ed and Deb are the authors of over 15 books, and lead meditation retreats and workshops. Enjoy their 3 meditation CD's: Metta - Loving kindness and Forgiveness; Samadhi - Breath Awareness and Insight; and Yoga Nidra - Inner Conscious Relaxation, available on their website: www.EdandDebShapiro.com

Robert Lanza, M.D.: No BS Theory of Life: Pain And Holiday Blues Are Money In The Bank

2009-12-21T11:05:00Z

Forget the self-help books. No book or person can promise you happiness.

Christmas time is the mostly likely time of the year to experience depression. We share our love with friends and family, and get lots of gifts. So why aren't we all joyous? What the hell is going on?

Did you ever wonder why people like Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson didn't fare any better than you or I despite all their money, fame, and access to people of wisdom?

The answer lies in your own backyard. Look at the shrubs, tangled with vines, with here and there a sumac jutting out from the maze. Look at the pines pressed against the shingles for want of more sunlight, their roots reaching under the house to the length of 20 feet. In an effort to maintain themselves, I have known willows near the foundation to break into the cellar pipes for want of water.

What is a tree, after all, but a trunk with so many roots and leaves bringing food and water to the organism? After billions of years of evolution, it was inevitable that life would acquire the ability to locomote, to hunt and see, to protect itself from competitors. Observe the ants in the woodpile. They can engage in combat just as resolutely as any human. Our guns and ICBMs are merely the jaws of a more clever ant.

The goal of life is life. Every impulse and thought is a device developed towards that end. Consider our own species. We hunt and gather, do the dishes, and have sex. By day and night, we are serenaded by the notes of Beethoven modulating over the trump of the bullfrogs and the songs of the mating bird. Even poetry and art reflect our humanity and are impelled by instincts - by forms of fear and powerlessness, of pugnacity and mastery, of association and love.

To many creatures there are but a few necessities of life: food, water, shelter. To a bumblebee, these are a few flowers full of nectar. Even humankind is led by these primary drives, although we have invented not only the house and clothing but fire to cook our food. What pains we take during the holidays, with our mincemeat pies and rum cakes. The poor are wont to complain that they have no food for their families, and we devote a great deal of our economy to agriculture and housing.

Of course, the effort for self-preservation is vague and varied. There is, for instance, the need for understanding and knowledge to guide our emotions, to tame the beast in our animal nature. What shameless and chaotic lives many of us would live if we were not awakened by better desires from within.

Our behavior is motivated by needs and wants. Pleasure and pain consist in the extent to which these desires are satisfied or hindered. "Pleasure" according to Spinoza, one of the greatest philosophers of all time "is man's transition from a lesser state of perfection to a greater. Pain is man's transition from a greater state of perfection to a lesser."

Here is a goal -completeness and power - that is wonderfully attractive to us at a time of recession, and when many lack the means to feed and clothe themselves. And when we have found all power, we may not be happier for it. When we have overcome our struggles and have no ambitions and no defeats, what do we do next? Build taller and more splendid houses, weave finer clothing? Where does the power to act come from when desire has been quieted?

Have you ever wondered why every TV show, movie, and book has villains? Every writer knows that the good guy has to be threatened somehow, perhaps chased by someone with a gun or an ax. Even Cinderella had an evil stepmother and had to sit in the cinders after she finished her work. Meeting the Prince just wouldn't have been the same if she had been a spoiled little rich girl.

The keenest pleasures are for those who experience the keenest pain.

You can't change the equation of life. And remember, while the world is celebrating the holiday season, if you're depressed and have the blues it's just money in the bank. And when your turn comes, spend it on something that you will be proud of.

Robert Lanza, MD worked with (and published a series of scientific papers with) the late Harvard psychologist B.F. Skinner, the father of modern behaviorism. His new book - Biocentrism - lays out his theory of everything.

Therese Borchard: PBS' 'This Emotional Life': An Intellectual Odyssey

2009-12-21T09:16:47Z

I feel sorry for Daniel Gilbert, Harvard psychologist and bestselling author of "Stumbling on Happiness." He is so good at everything that he has a hard time finding a suitable challenge. Alas, he has found one! The 52-year-old scientist whose work has been covered by every major media news outlet--from The New York Times to Glamour--has teamed up with Vulcan Productions and the NOVA/WGBH Science Unit to create a multimedia project called "This Emotional Life." A 3-part documentary premieres on PBS January 4-6, 2010, but there is plenty going on already on the fascinating website, which features expert bloggers and clips from the series.

"This is an intellectual odyssey of mine," Gilbert told me yesterday, when I had the opportunity to interview him. "It feels like being a student again, like learning a new trade, and that's where the joy is for me." Gilbert does this well too--gathering an eclectic group of experts to weigh in on happiness from varied perspectives. For example, in episode one, which concentrates on relationships and their role in our emotional well-being, Dr. Xavier Amador, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert helps a married couple on the show work through some of their problems. In episode three, which examines happiness and resilience from different vantage points, happiness expert Edward Diener pinpoints some universal traits of happy people, one being religion. Says Diener: "We know that in most societies, religious people are happier than non-religious people. Not everywhere but almost everywhere in the world we found that."

Many celebrities are interviewed throughout the documentary, as well, adding an entertainment value. "It was fun introducing my wife to Richard Gere," says Gilbert, "but I didn't know if I was ever going to get her back. And I've been a fan of Chevy Chase for years." Other celebrities include Larry David, Elizabeth Gilbert, Alanis Morissette, and Katie Couric.

But by far the most important sound bites, says Gilbert, are the stories of everyday folks. "The greatest surprise in putting the documentary together," Gilbert explained to me, "is that I thought interviewing the living laboratory, the persons in the trenches, would be my job, but that the great fun would be interviewing the scientists. It was actually reversed."

Gilbert went on about some the stories that touched him deeply, among them a woman named Michele Gosset who has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, but won't surrender to the illness. She uses meditation, positive thinking, and her faith to pull her through.

What message does the Harvard psychologist and his production team ultimately hope to convey with the series? Says Gilbert: "Here are the three important facts about happiness that have become the themes for each of the shows: 1) You can't be happy alone. Social relationships are the single most important ingredient of happiness. They are key. 2) You can't be happy all the time. We have to experience negative emotions as part of being human. But it's HOW we experience negative emotions that count. 3) You can be happier than you are. There are universal traits of happy people that you can implement to raise your happiness level."

Elizabeth Somer: Food For A Good Mood

2009-12-18T16:07:35Z

What you eat has a profound effect on your mood and thinking today and your risk for depression and dementia down the road. How do I know? I've been studying the link between what we eat and how we feel since the early 1990s.

I can't tell you how many times people have taken my feel-good diet advice over the years and said to me, "I never knew I could feel this good!!" No, I'm not talking peanut butter cups here, but nutritious foods that have been scientifically shown to tweak brain chemistry for the better. Choose the right foods at the right times of day and they will keep you on a steady course of feeling and thinking your best.

How Food Boosts Mood

What and when we eat has a profound effect on how you feel, how much energy you have, and whether or not you remember where you put the car keys. In some cases:

it is providing the brain with high-quality fuel.

it is when, not what, you are eating that leads to depression, fatigue, or muddled thinking.

it's too little of one or more nutrients, such as folic acid or vitamin B6, that undermines mood, since these nutrients aid in brain function or help manufacture nerve chemicals that regulate mood.

eating too much of something, like sugar, is to blame.

nerve chemicals entice us to choose one food over another, such as the nerve chemical NPY (neuropeptide Y) which is high in the morning and turns on our preferences for carb-rich foods, from waffles and pancakes to toast and cereal in an effort to restock glucose stores. Skip this opportunity and escalating NPY levels might lead you to overeat later in the day.

Two Essential Blues Busters

An orchestra of nutrients found in foods act as assembly-line workers in the manufacture of those brain chemicals. For example:

Carbohydrates. It makes perfect sense that we crave carbs when we feel blue. Carb-rich foods stimulate the release of a brain chemical called serotonin that regulates mood, food cravings, and sleep. Carbs also raise levels of endorphins, the feel-good brain chemicals associated with a runner's high.

This might explain why a little sugar helps us cope with stress. Researchers at the University of California, San Francisco found when stressed-out rats (which are good models for how the stress response works in people) feast on fat and sugar, they are less agitated and much calmer than rats fed regular chow. In fact, the rats were less able to cope when they didn't get fat and sugar in their diets. The stress hormones apparently signal a craving for sweets, which in turn reign in the stress.

Before you race to the vending machine with a license to binge, keep in mind that just because some is good doesn't mean more is better. While a little sugar might soothe rattled nerves, too much sugar could leave you feeling blue. In fact, depression and fatigue subside in some people when they cut back on sweets. The trick to feeling great is to eat the right amount of the right carbs - that is five or more daily servings of whole grains such as oatmeal and brown rice, and starchy vegetables, such as sweet potatoes - spread evenly throughout the day. Then keep added sugars to a minimum.

Omega-3 Fats: People who consume ample amounts of the omega-3s, especially DHA in fatty fish, such as salmon, sardines, trout and tuna, have a much lower incidence of depression, aggressiveness, and hostility. Studies show up to a 50% reduction in depression in people who are the toughest to treat and even an improvement in well-being for those battling every-day blues. Aim for at least 220 milligrams of DHA a day. Or, choose foods fortified with a sustainable, algae-based DHA, such as some brands of milk, soymilk and eggs. The omega-3 fat in flax, walnuts, and other plants won't give you the mood boost.

Timing is Everything

It is not just what, but when you eat that affects mood. Dieting, skipping meals, or eating erratically can lower blood sugar, with symptoms such as weakness, irritability, and fatigue. As a result, the body runs out of energy just like a cell phone you forget to recharge.

Breakfast: This is the most important meal to boost energy, mood, and thinking. People who eat breakfast have more energy, a more sustained good mood throughout the day, they perform better at school and at work, and they sleep better at night, which means they wake up the next day more energized and happy. A doughnut and coffee won't work. A mood-boosting breakfast must follow the 1,2,3 rule:

1) a whole grain to provide needed high-quality carbs for the brain during the morning hours,

2) a little protein to keep you satiated and maintain even blood sugar levels throughout the morning, and

3) 1 and preferably 2 colorful fruits and vegetables.

That is as simple as a bowl of whole grain cereal with low-fat milk and blueberries or a smoothie made from soymilk, fruit, and oats or toasted wheat germ.

Lunch: This meal should be light in both calories and fat, with some protein and high-quality carbs, such as a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with a fruit salad and glass of milk. A low-fat meal that supplies about 500 calories helps you stay alert through the afternoon hours, boosts energy, and fills you up without filling you out. Heavy or calorie-packed meals this time of day will leave you feeling sluggish, both mentally and physically.

Afternoon snack: Mid-afternoon is when we are most likely to turn to food for solace or a pick-me-up. Grab a candy bar from the vending machine and you may set your blood sugar on a roller coaster ride that leads to irritability and a mental fog. Instead, plan ahead by packing a healthy all-carb snack, such as air-popped popcorn or a toasted whole-grain English muffin with jam.

In a nutshell, you will boost mood and memory if you:

1) Curb cravings. If you are a carb-craver, plan a quality carbohydrate-rich snack for your mid-afternoon or late-night snack-attack, such as whole wheat pita with fruit, or have a light, all-carb snack at bedtime to help you sleep.

2) Cut back on sugar. Stress hormones and brain chemicals might entice you to nibble on sweets, but remember, the first two bites satisfy brain chemistry. Anything after that is pure indulgence.

3) Limit caffeinated beverages to two 1-cup (8 ounces) servings a day. Side-step caffeine withdrawal headaches by switching to half-caffeinated, half-decaffeinated beverages.

4) Eat regularly. Severe dieting, eating erratically, or skipping meals upset neurotransmitter levels, leading to feeling grumpy, stressed, or tired. Instead, eat small meals and snacks throughout the day based on fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grain breads and cereals, cooked dried beans and peas, low-fat milk products or fortified soymilk, fish, poultry, and extra-lean meats.

5) Go fish. Include at least two servings a week of fatty fish, or add foods fortified with DHA to the daily menu.

6) Drink water. Even mild dehydration results in fatigue, poor stamina, reduced short-term memory, and poor concentration.

7) Take a moderate-dose multiple vitamin and mineral supplements to fill in the gaps on days when you don't eat perfectly.

Happiest States In America: Sunshine States In The Lead

2009-12-18T08:26:45Z

WASHINGTON — People in sunny, outdoorsy states – Louisiana, Hawaii, Florida – say they're the happiest Americans, and researchers think they know why. A new study comparing self-described pleasant feelings with objective measures of good living found these folks generally have reason to feel fine.

The places where people are most likely to report happiness also tend to rate high on studies comparing things like climate, crime rates, air quality and schools.

Deepak Chopra: 7 New Ways to Find Happiness

2009-12-17T17:45:25Z

One of the most positive ways to live is to look on every obstacle as a hidden opportunity. This holiday season poses huge challenges for those among us who have lost their jobs or feel financially insecure. Even if you don't fall into that category, the evening news brings worries on many fronts, from the deficit to terrorism. I'd like to propose that there is a common problem in all these things that you can turn into an opportunity.

The problem is how to be happy.

Read complete article at Oprah.com

For more information go to deepakchopra.com

Gretchen Rubin: Balanced Life -- 5 Tips For Effective New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-17T16:15:00Z

Forty-four percent of Americans make New Year's resolutions, and I know I always do. I'm more inclined to make resolutions than ever, in fact, because if my happiness project has convinced me of anything, it has convinced me that resolutions - made right - can make a huge difference in boosting happiness.

So how do you resolve well? This is trickier than it sounds. Here are some tips for making your resolutions as effective as possible. Remember, right now, you're in the planning stage. Don't feel like you have to do anything yet! Just start thinking about what would make 2010 a happier year.

1. Ask: "What would make me happier?" It might having more of something good - more fun with friends, more time for a hobby. It might be less of something bad - less yelling at your kids, less nagging of your spouse. It might be fixing something that doesn't feel right - more time spent volunteering, more time doing something to make someone else happier.

2. Ask: "What is a concrete action that would bring about change?" One common problem is that people make abstract resolutions, which are hard to keep. "Be more optimistic," "Find more joy in life," "Enjoy now," are resolutions that are hard to measure and therefore difficult to keep. Instead, look for a specific, measurable action. "Distract myself with fun music when I'm feeling gloomy," "Watch at least one movie each week," "Buy a lovely plant for my desk" are resolutions that will carry you toward those abstract goals.

3. Ask: "Am I a 'yes' resolver or a 'no' resolver?" Some people resent negative resolutions. They dislike hearing "don't" or "stop" or adding to their list of chores. If this describes you, try to find positive resolutions: "Take that dance class," "Have lunch with a friend once a week." Or maybe you respond well to "no." That's my situation. A lot of my resolutions are aimed at getting me to stop doing something or to do something I don't really want to do. Don't expect praise or appreciation. Follow the one-minute rule. There's no right way to make a resolution, but it's important to know what works for you. As always, the secret is to know your own nature.

4. Ask: "Am I starting small enough?" Many people make super-ambitious resolutions and then drop them, feeling defeated, before January is over. Start small! We tend to over-estimate what we can do over a short time and under-estimate what we can do over a long time, if we make consistent, small steps. If you're going to resolve to start exercising (one of the most popular resolutions), don't resolve to go to the gym for an hour every day before work. Start by going for a ten-minute walk at lunch or marching in place once a day during the commercial breaks in your favorite TV show. Little accomplishments provide energy for bigger challenges. Push yourself too hard and you may screech to a halt.

5. Ask: "How am I going to hold myself accountable?" Accountability is the secret to sticking to resolutions. That's why groups like AA and Weight Watchers are effective, and there are many ways to hold yourself accountable. I keep my Resolutions Chart (if you'd like to see my chart, for inspiration, email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin.com--just write "resolution chart" in the subject line). Or you could track your resolutions online using the tools at the Happiness Project Toolbox. Or you could form a goals group - or even a happiness-project group! (For a starter kit for starting a happiness-project group, click here.) Accountability is why #2 is so important. If your resolution is too vague, it's hard to measure whether you've been keeping it. A resolution to "Eat healthier" is harder to track than "Eat salad for lunch three times a week."

Have you found any strategies that have helped you successfully keep resolutions in the past?

* I always find a lot of posts worth checking out on Lisa Belkin's New York Times blog, Motherlode.

* It's Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:

-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested

-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)

-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 30,000 people get it)

-- Pre-order the book for your friends (or yourself) -- here's an e-card to let them know it's coming

-- Join the 2010 Happiness Challenge to make 2010 a happier year

-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update

Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

Gretchen Rubin: Balanced Life -- 4 Tips For Dealing With Holiday Temptations

2009-12-16T11:42:05Z

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: four tips for using the abstainer/moderator split to fight holiday temptations.

Ah, the holidays. If you're a person who is trying to withstand temptations, it can be very tough. Everywhere you go, you face cookies, candy, booze, and snacks and treats of every kind. While some people can whole-heartedly enjoy all this, many of us waver between wanting to try everything and wanting to resist everything.

A successful strategy to facing this temptation may depend on whether you're a moderator or an abstainer when trying to resist temptation.

You're a moderator if you...

-- find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure - and strengthens your resolve

-- get panicky at the thought of "never" getting or doing something

You're an abstainer if you...

-- have trouble stopping something once you've started

-- aren't tempted by things that you've decided are off-limits

(Of course, in the case of things like nicotine and alcohol, abstention is necessary.)

I'm an abstainer, without a doubt. Like Samuel Johnson, who wrote, "Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult," I find it much easier to give things up altogether than to indulge in moderation. And that's a very useful thing to know about myself.

Take Halloween candy, for example. I love candy, especially bite-sized candy. I knew that Halloween would be a huge temptation for me, and that I'd likely end up eating a lot of candy and feeling very guilty about it - and that wasn't going to make me happy.

So I decided, "No Halloween candy! Not one piece!" And that was far easier for me to do than to eat just four or five pieces. And I was much happier having no candy than I would have been if I'd been stealing candy from my children's stashes every time they were out of the kitchen - which is absolutely what I would otherwise have done. I'm doing the same thing with holiday candy.

If you're a moderator, however, that strategy wouldn't work for you. You'd probably be better off thinking, "I can have a few pieces of my favorite kind of candy," and focusing on enjoying those pieces. You can really revel in whatever it is that you're permitting yourself, and by putting a limit on your consumption, you may find yourself enjoying it more.

So, to apply the moderator/abstainer model to yourself when facing holiday temptations, try this:

1. Decide if you're a moderator or an abstainer.

2. Decide what temptation you'd like to resist.

3. Set a time period. "I will not eat a single cookie until January 4" or "I will eat one or two cookies at every holiday event I attend, and I'll enjoy them, but I'll stop at two." "I won't have any eggnog" or "I'll have one glass of eggnog, on Christmas Eve, when we visit my parents."

4. As you approach your tempting situation, imagine yourself living up to your rule. Imagine yourself skipping the cookies; or imagine yourself taking just two cookies. Think about how pleased you'll be that you stuck to your guidelines for yourself.

In my experience, moderators and abstainers are hard on each other. Moderators always say things to me like, "You should have a little fun!" "It's not reasonable to be so hard on yourself!" "You're too rigid about what you eat, you worry too much about your weight, it's not healthy."

And I have the urge to say to moderators: "You're not sticking to your resolutions!" "Why don't you just give up that [whatever it is] altogether?"

Either strategy can help us resist temptation; as with so many aspects of the pursuit of happiness, the secret is to know yourself, and to act according with your own nature. For me, although some people might think it seems cramped and joyless not to eat any Halloween candy, I know I'm happier if I skip it.

On a related note: it can seem festive and friendly to urge people to break their diets, to indulge in an extra glass of wine, or to treat themselves in some way. "I can't believe you're not going to try this dessert, I made it myself!" "Just one won't hurt!" "You deserve it!" "This is a party, relax, live a little!" But the kind thing to do, in almost every situation, is to try to help people stick to their resolutions. Of course, bullying them if you think they're over-indulging isn't kind, either.

How about you? Do you recognize yourself as an abstainer or a moderator? Have you found any good strategies for coping with holiday temptation?

* I met Karl Staib at a conference last year, and I really love checking out his site, Work Happy Now.

Deborah Calla: Blah

2009-12-16T11:30:41Z

I haven't had much to talk about lately. I was in Brazil working on a film for a few weeks and have just come back.

December 13th was my birthday and soon it will be Christmas and New Years. I don't have any major plans and would normally be looking forward to hanging with the dogs and watching all the films that come to my door - courtesy of being a member of the Producers Guild of America - except that I'm feeling Blah.

Let me define Blah. Blah is when I can't really complain about anything but don't have much energy. Blah is when I'm lacking passion and everything is beige. Nothing wrong with the color but between you and me, beige is just not exciting.

Am I feeling blah because I have been trying to fulfill all these tasks that I have set myself up to finish before the end of the year? Make money, write a book, produce a film, write a blog, be good, be descent. Or am I feeling blah because I'm unconsciously putting on a lid on my feelings as not to have them overflow? Probably a bit of both.

I brought back a puppy with me from Brazil. Shai (the new puppy) was a good source of companionship and a receptacle of love for me while I was in Rio de Janeiro but even Shai can't keep the blah away.

I'm thinking maybe I need to exercise more. Sweating and getting a shot of endorphins might help with the blah. I might even get a Thai massage - nothing like having a person walking and elbowing you to get you going and hopefully help you get hid of the blah.

Maybe what I really need is a bit of dating and dreaming and a bit of hugging and touching. But how do I do that? Internet dating? Can't hack it; too much work and too much exposure. Looking for Mr. Goodbar? I've never been very good about meeting strangers plus it can be too risky. Friends? It would be great, after all we already like each other, except that in the morning we would have to acknowledge a different level of intimacy that could jeopardize the friendship. So nope, couldn't do it.

I wish there was a pill for blah; one that I could walk into a drugstore and tell the pharmacist that I had blah and then wait while he put little white pills into an orange or blue jar.

I know it is the season for giving so I have to try my best not to feel compelled to spread my blah around and to not get myself into any nutty situation with the hidden purpose of disintegrating my blah. Chaos can always distract me but as I have experienced before, it is only temporary and the price is almost always too high.

This whole blah dissertation makes me think of Buddhism which if taken at face value promotes the idea of not reacting one way or another to anything, so the highs are not so high and the lows not so low. It sounds a bit like blah but I know that is not what Buddhism supports. I think they actually are more into making one's existence the center of one's life so the world doesn't have such a hold on us.

Of course the demand to be jolly for birthday, Christmas and New Years is of no help to a blah cure. I better move on and go take a warm shower and then ride my bike before my blah blah blah sends me into a blah coma.

P.S. While having the hot water run over my body I thought that blah is probably the result of not enough stimulus. We live in a world that everything runs fast and we are bombarded by information and requests. Our systems are on the go and sometimes when we slow down we go into withdrawal. If you don't understand the concept, ask any junkie. So I'm going to breathe deeply and slow down even more, and I'm going to connect with the root that keeps me grounded in this planet- my body - and I'm going to observe and appreciate what surrounds me, and I'm going to dive into myself and I know by New Years, blah will be just a thing of 2009.

Here's to a happy blahless 2010.

Dr. Patricia Fitzgerald: K9 Connection: At-Risk Teens And Shelter Dogs Get A New 'Leash' On Life

2009-12-16T08:52:11Z

At-risk teens. Animals abandoned at shelters. Two marginalized groups in great need of love, security, and a chance at living a good life. With an alarmingly-high rate of teen suicide (the third leading cause of death among teens) and over three million unwanted dogs and cats euthanized each in year in shelters, it is easy to feel helpless towards these two populations who demonstrate an overwhelming need.

An innovative solution: put these two groups together and unleash the healing power of the human-animal bond. That's what Katherine Beattie and Pat Sinclair envisioned when they formed k9 connection, a non-profit organization that educates and inspires at-risk teens through bonding with and training homeless shelter dogs.

k9 connection, located in Santa Monica, California, is a remarkable organization whose mission is to teach at-risk teens how to train homeless shelter dogs in basic obedience skills in order to increase their chances of adoption. Through the training they provide to the dogs, the teens benefit by learning how to be more responsible and accountable, the importance of goal setting, and how positive reinforcement offers an alternative to force and violence.

At lot of the lessons the kids learn by training the dogs can be applied to the various challenges they may face in their daily lives. In turn, the shelter dogs develop skills that allow them to smoothly transition into permanent, loving homes.

During the course of the training the students learn how to train the dogs, and they also spend time learning life skills within workshops facilitated by various talented volunteers.

The day I visited the campus of the school where the k9 connection program was taking place was an experience I will never forget. I was observing the basic obedience training session where a professional dog trainer was helping the kids understand how to communicate with the dogs. Each teen was paired with a volunteer. At one point during the training, one of the volunteers had to leave early and I noticed a very frustrated teen trying to get his dog to sit and take treats without success. I was told that this particular teen had significant emotional challenges. I decided to fill in and try to help him out. I do have a background in basic training of shelter dogs, and I absolutely love working with kids and animals. Under the supervision of the k9 staff, I thought I'd give it a try.

When I got over to the teen (I'll call him Robbie), he sadly said to me, "I can't do this." Apparently Robbie was having difficulty understanding how to give the dog a treat. He was offering the dog a treat with a closed hand. The dog was gently trying to get the treat out of Robbie's hand and was confused as to what was happening. I showed Robbie how to open his hand and offer a treat. He was afraid to do it himself. I put my hand under his and positioned his hand to offer the treat. The dog gently took the treat off of Robbie's hand. The immediate pride and beaming face on Robbie was priceless. We did it again together a few times, and then Robbie tried it himself--successfully. With a grin from ear to ear he gave me a big hug and asked me to partner with him. I was honored. We proceeded to teach his dog a few tricks, and I witnessed Robbie's confidence soar. In a short period of time, I witnessed a youth who was labeled emotionally disturbed and afraid of a dog open up emotionally and connect with his companion.

After the outdoor obedience class, we proceeded into a room to have a workshop facilitated by a communications coach. The workshop involved goal setting and visioning. Robbie and I had a good time coming up with ideas of possibilities for his future. His main goals were to get along with his family and to help people. He wanted to be a doctor or a massage therapist so he could help people feel better.

After all of the teens and volunteers were finished mapping out their goals and visions, it was time to share. Robbie asked me if I could read aloud to the group since he didn't feel comfortable doing so. As I read to the group Robbie's list of goals, all of which had to do with helping others, there wasn't a dry eye in the room.

A few weeks later, I showed up at the graduation and saw Robbie. He successfully completed the program and taught his dog all of the obedience skills. I went up to him after the event, not really knowing if he'd remember me. He gave me a big hug and said "Hey, where've you been?" He then proceeded to introduce me to his family members as the lady that helped him to not be afraid of the dog. To say that I was deeply touched is an understatement. Robbie had graduated from the k9 connection program and had developed a special bond with the dog he had trained.

I've long known the k9 connection was a remarkable organization. They have helped many kids and dogs for years. But there's nothing like personal experience. I felt very blessed to have that opportunity to work with Robbie that day. I witnessed someone go from feeling emotionally closed down to connecting with a dog to opening up with possibilities for the future.

At the conclusion of each training session is a graduation ceremony for the students. If you ever need a heart-opening cry for seeing what is good in the world, go to a k9 connection graduation. When you hear the speeches of the kids and how working with the dogs has affected their lives, you better have your own box of tissues--or a mop.

Several students shared how they often skipped school in the past, but working with the dogs gave them a reason to come to school because they didn't want to let the dog down. Others shared how helping the dogs increased their sense of leadership, responsibility, and patience. Many were from broken homes and the close bond they felt with their dog was very special. Some offered how they lacked confidence and self-esteem, and knowing that they helped to save a dog's life meant the world to them.

WATCH: Teens share how k9 connection has impacted their lives:

So now these students have had these life-changing heart-opening experiences with their canine companions. Their canine companions are now being adopted into loving homes. What is next? This is a crucial time for these kids to not feel abandoned and to have continuing opportunities to develop the life skills they have learned.

What is also remarkable about k9 connection is that they make a long-term commitment to their participants. After the obedience training program, the graduates are supported by k9 staff and volunteers ongoing assistance in to fulfill their visions and goals. Some of the teens decide to become Peer Leaders and they help the new students entering the program.

k9 connection has been able to have a profound effect on the lives of both teens and dogs. Teens who have graduated from the program have demonstrated improvement in behavior, self-esteem, skills of goal setting and impulse control, and the sense of accountability and community. Students barely making it through high school are now succeeding in college. And every shelter dog in the program has been saved from euthanization and placed into a loving home.

To find out more information about k9 connection, to donate, or to volunteer, visit their website: k9connection.org

You can follow k9 connection on Twitter: www.twitter.com/k9connect

James M. Lynch: New Year's Resolutions And Time

2009-12-15T17:50:11Z

The New Year is coming and you may be tempted to make some resolutions that usually start with "Quit doing . . ." or "Start doing . . ." and those are great; at least the desire to take them on is great. Most of what I've experienced or heard from others is that New Year's resolutions usually don't have much of a success rate and that even the best of them might only last a few months before 'sinking'.

Knowing where you stand now, where would you apportion your time so that this coming year would be the best of your life?

As an executive and life coach I recommend that my clients, rather than doing 'iffy' resolutions, take on their schedule/allocation of time and how they spend it. If you really give yourself over to this concept it could have more effect on your life than all of the resolutions you've ever made -- even those few you've actually kept.

Here are seven types of 'time' and a short description of what I mean by each of them:

Rest and recharge-- 'down time' to let your brain and body relax and to 'recharge your batteries'. I actually suggest that you don't short yourself on this one most of all. You can read more about this in a previous post, Saving the World in One Day: Your Personal Shabbat

Spiritual time -- not just observance or prayer but the time you spend connecting or in service to others.

Planning and strategy time -- looking ahead to the coming week or month and making sure you're prepared, your appointments confirmed and due diligence is paid. This can be about the mundane aspects of life and is meant to be practical; have you scheduled yourself to do more than is humanly possible with your 'time budget'?

'Futur-ing' time -- time to just 'sit and think' about life, where you're headed, your purpose and all of those 'bigger picture' thoughts that can create a powerful future and keep all of the rest in perspective. This should be a weekly event and one hour should be enough.

Health time -- every 'body' needs to have some physical exertion, expression and movement. Get out and exercise, dance, play a sport, move and keep those positive juices flowing.

Education time -- get out and learn something new. It doesn't always have to be stuff to learn about your job or practical, etc., in fact it's often best if it's just a 'fancy' you're following.

Task time -- these are the work hours, the 'to do' stuff, and it's what we may be paid for or just do for our family because it needs doing.

The best way to work on this is to grab a blank weekly calendar and plot out how you spend your time now and label your current activities according to this list above. Knowing where you stand now, where would you apportion your time so that this coming year would be the best of your life? What would you add to your calendar and your schedule in order to have what you've always wanted?

Spend some time working out your calendar and adding time slots for the things you want to have in your life, for the things you'll accomplish that will add that important balance to your life.

Oh yeah, one last thing: if the resolution you were going to make this year is a resolution to quit smoking; do that. Things that will kill you should get priority; you don't even have to wait till New Year's Eve!

Diane Tucker: What's an Underemployed Gal to Do? Run For Office.

2009-12-15T12:45:58Z

Since the recession began, millions of women have found themselves underemployed, working in survival jobs for which they're overqualified. If you're in the process of making similar life changes, why not run for office? America needs more women in politics.

Because why?

"Governments with more women legislators are more productive," noted the World Economic Forum.

"National parliaments with the largest numbers of women have the lowest levels of corruption," reported the World Bank.

It's a shame more American women aren't thinking outside the box, by putting their names inside the ballot box. Men still dramatically outnumber women in the U.S. Senate, the House of Representatives, state legislatures, and city councils. The U.S. ranks a pathetic 71st out of 189 countries in the proportion of women in national legislatures. American women aren't even close to the magical 33% tipping point where we could begin to change the conversation.

No wonder the big stimulus winner in 2009 was Wall Street. The Old Boy's Club decided that if we bailed out Wall Street, the problems on Main Street would take care of themselves. "Nonsense!" said my gal pals, but few politicians heard them.

More women in politics -- that's change I can believe in.

I know, I know, it means we would have to knock on doors ... and we would have to raise money ... mean people might diss us ... and ... and ...

Ladies, it's time to stop eliminating ourselves from positions of power. Today I spoke with a woman who took the plunge, got elected, loves her new career, and is happy to share lessons learned. Anne Doyle was one of the first women in the U.S. to gain access to professional locker rooms as a sports reporter for CBS-TV in Detroit. Years later, she rose through the ranks of Ford Motor Company to become director of North America Communications. In 2009 she ran for a seat on the Auburn Hills City Council -- and won.

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Politicians live in a fishbowl. Weren't you afraid of becoming so visible a target?

Anne Doyle: No, not at all, but I understand what you're saying. Fear is a huge barrier for women. I worked for three decades in sportscasting and the auto industry, places where people didn't always want me. I'm not afraid anymore.

But don't you think a lot of women are too thin-skinned for politics?

Women are better able than men to receive emotional messages. It's one of our strengths, but it also makes us more vulnerable. If we're going to put ourselves out there and become leaders, we simply have to accept that a certain number of people aren't going to like us. You grow thick skin like bark on a tree -- it takes time. The more you let the criticisms go, the better you get at it.

Is fundraising another huge barrier for women?

I had no problem raising money at all. In fact, and this is funny, I was so successful at raising money the other candidates started saying, "Hey, she's trying to buy the election!"

Well then, you're the right person to ask for advice on soliciting campaign contributions.

You start with people who believe in you. I wrote a personal letter outlining what I wanted to do, and asking for help. In response, several friends wrote sizable checks and it turbo-charged me. A California woman learned about me online and mailed a check. That was huge! We all have to write bigger checks for other women. It's in our best interest to get more women into politics.

Why is 33% considered the tipping point?

It's critical mass -- the point at which an environment changes in such a way, it can no longer go back to what it was. Take the Supreme Court, for example. One woman justice is newsworthy -- she's first. Two women are still the exception, not the rule. When you have three women on the bench, it stops being unusual.

Whether you're talking about the halls of Congress or a board of directors, until women achieve 33% we're just tokens. Our numbers are too small to influence men to see things in a completely different way. It's not that women are better, it's that balance among the two genders is better. Across the board in a variety of professions, the number of women in leadership positions today is only 18%. We have a long way to go. That's why it's all about numbers now.

How do we move the needle?

We can move the needle the fastest by getting more women elected to political office, because that's where female leaders are the most visible.

I was surprised to learn that women's progress into leadership positions has been stagnating for more than a decade.

We made tremendous progress in the 70s and 80s, but in the 90s and 2000s the numbers got bigger only in the middle. Today we have more women doctors, more women lawyers, more women with graduate degrees, but we are stalled in terms of progress into leadership positions that shape the culture. How many women CEOs are there today? That number has barely changed in 20 years, even though there is a perception that it has.

Let's say I want to throw my hat in the ring. What are the first three things I should do?

First, start talking about it. I guarantee you'll be amazed at the encouragement you get. Next, become very clear about why you want to run. One way to do this is by developing your candidate website. It doesn't have to be fancy, but the process will force you to put into concise words who you are and what you stand for. Finally, make a list of people you can ask for campaign contributions, because you'll need money for postage, a Web site, and campaign materials.

On the slim chance I raise more than $2 in campaign contributions, what's next?

I highly recommend the White House Project training. It's a national, non-partisan initiative focused on dramatically increasing the number of women running for office. They've already trained over 9,000 women candidates, and hope to train well over 36,000 by 2013. I enrolled in their Debate Boot Camp, where I learned how to refine my message and present it to a large group.

You took the risk and ran for office. What was the reward?

Knocking on doors, I met the incredible people who are my neighbors. It created a powerful sense of community. That was the richest reward for me. You can't imagine how it feels, seeing your yard sign on the front lawn of people you've never met. I would jump out of my car and introduce myself. After the election, I was keenly aware these people were counting on me.

How does being a politician compare to being a journalist or a corporate executive?

Journalists are independent operators -- they develop and write a story, it's their own work -- and corporate executives make many decisions unilaterally. Political leaders, however, can't get much done by themselves. You have to collaborate. You have to influence people. Somebody called politics the art of the possible. It's about getting people to evolve together. Where's our common ground?

Can women excel at this?

The experience of running convinced me that women have a tremendous natural ability for politics. We just have to get over our fear of it and go for the brass ring. The good news is that there's been a dramatic change in attitude about women in leadership positions. I want to say to women, "C'mon, let's go!"

Have you run for political office? Are you thinking about running in 2010? In 2012? What is the best advice you would give women thinking of running for a first time? Share your questions, concerns, and experiences with us and other women in the Comments thread below.

Ed and Deb Shapiro: Is Santa The Greatest Yogi?

2009-12-15T08:34:42Z

Santa rocks! Who loves us more than Santa? Who do we love more in return? Yet Santa is not just a jolly old guy in a red outfit. A true Yogi is someone who embodies love, generosity and great wisdom, and Santa is a remarkable example of such qualities, which we may all want to emulate:

1. He makes us do good and feel good. Now that's a big one, as many of us often act selfishly and badly.

2. He gives, endlessly, to everyone, all over the world, without discrimination, all at pretty much the same time. This indicates a truly generous heart, one that takes great joy in giving, without needing to receive.

3. Yet he does not give blindly. Rather he judges what is the most appropriate gift for each. This shows great discernment, as giving needs wisdom in order to be of most benefit.

4. He encourages rituals and invokes magic in every child's life: letter writing, stocking filling, decorations, parades, milk and cookies. Ritual is an essential part of honoring that which is greater than us, and magic is the beauty of the unknown.

5. He listens to our pleas and requests and reads our letters. Meaning that he takes the time to hear us and pays attention, which we could all do a lot more of.

6. He has great psychic powers: he flies in the sky with reindeer, descends chimneys without getting covered in soot, goes by many names and forms, and is extraordinarily elusive. Has anyone actually ever seen him?

7. He knows where we live. In other words, he is inside every one of us.

8. Most importantly, he lifts our spirits at the darkest time, bringing us laughter and joy, which is undoubtedly the greatest gift of all.

Through giving to others, a la Santa, we get away from selfishness and neediness, and in the process see our own self-centeredness in greater perspective. It connects us to the basic goodness within us, a quality of kindness that is easy to lose touch with. Giving--whether a smile, our time, a listening ear, food or material gifts--is profoundly joyful, both to the one who is receiving and the one who is giving. The essence of this is an open heart, a free mind, and a blissful spirit.

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. Bob Hope

True generosity is giving without any thought of getting or receiving; it is unconditional, unattached, free to land wherever it will. Through giving and sharing in this way, we soon find that we do not lose anything; we do not have any less. Rather, we gain so much.

We were doing a booksigning at a bookstore in California and had arrived early so as to avoid the rush-hour traffic. As Deb talked with the bookshop owner, Ed chatted to a customer in the store, a man who was training to be a Zen priest. Then we left to get something to eat at a Chinese restaurant across the street. As we were eating, the man Ed had been talking to came in, nodded to us, then walked to the back of the restaurant. A while later he came back. As he passed our table he stopped and simply said, "Your dinner is paid for." Then he left. We were stunned by such a kind and generous act, and the warm memory of it has stayed with us.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. Winston Churchill

Is there a Santa in your heart? Do you have any great Santa stories? What does generosity mean to you? Do comment below. You can receive notice of our blogs every Tuesday by checking Become a Fan at the top.

You can order a copy of our latest book at: BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World.

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Ed and Deb Shapiro's new book, BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You And The World, forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors such as Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Ellen Burstyn, Michael Beckwith, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jane Fonda, Jack Kornfield, Byron Katie, Dean Ornish, Seane Corn, Dan Millman, Ed Begley Jr. and others is published by Sterling Ethos. Deb is the author of the award-winning book YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND. Ed and Deb are the authors of over 15 books, and lead meditation retreats and workshops. Enjoy their 3 meditation CD's: Metta - Loving kindness and Forgiveness; Samadhi - Breath Awareness and Insight; and Yoga Nidra - Inner Conscious Relaxation, available on their website: www.EdandDebShapiro.com

Tamar Chansky: What's Wrong With Positive Thinking? Simple Strategies To Manage Your Thoughts

2009-12-14T14:52:13Z

Just when it seemed that the laws of modern life couldn't get any more complicated--do you do facebook or just twitter (and, for the last time, what is twitter anyway?) -- we seem to be getting conflicting advice about what should be going on in the privacy of our own minds. Think positively! Don't think positively! Pursue happiness! Happiness is a trap! Negative thinking is bad for your health! Being "bright-sided" by positive thinking, as Barbara Ehrenreich recently warned, is bad for your health! What's a thinking person to do?

Though it seems baffling and at times impossible to distinguish the "right" ways to think from the "wrong," a few simple rules apply. Maybe not as few as eco-health activist Michael Pollan offers for our diet, but if we translate the gist of his message: eating real (unadulterated, minimally processed) food is good for you-- into a psychological context, the message becomes: thinking real or true thoughts (whether joyous or sorrowful) is good for you. Tampering with the truth in our thinking in any direction--whether making it either more positive or negative is not. Bottom line: we shouldn't try to say anything to ourselves that would require us to cross our fingers behind our back.

Sometimes we won't like it--the bitter kale and collards of life--but just as vegetables won't disappear from a fussy child's plate as much as he pouts, protests, or even douses it with condiments, we too must digest our struggles directly, and yes, ultimately it is good for us. Pretending or dressing them up won't make tough realities any easier to swallow, breaking it down bite-by-bite will. True joy requires no further instructions or encouragement to savor or even devour, the problems start when we try to add false joy or positivity to sugar coat the truth in order to transform a negative into a positive. Life--even when it's tough-- doesn't require artificial colorings or additives to make it palatable.

What's Wrong with Positive Thinking?

Positive Thinking could be considered the high fructose corn syrup of the thinking world-- when forced. It's not necessary, natural, and research has found that it's not good for us when we have to sell ourselves on it.

All of us feel upset from time to time, and can, depending on the day or our temperament, slip or sprint into a place of self-loathing, world-loathing, hell. When we are in that place we don't need to be airlifted to Disney, we just want to re-route our perfect nose-dive towards utter misery. Just about any other destination will do. In that state of despair, the last logical thing to do--even it were humanly possible--is to do a back-breaking reach for the positive. If our children did that kind of maneuver in the middle of a tantrum we'd take their temperature or call an exorcist. Why? Because in that moment, we are essentially lying to ourselves. There's no rationale for it. Fake stuff doesn't work: nutritionally or emotionally.

Positive thinking is not wired in. We don't necessarily need it to survive. Cavemen didn't need to whistle while they hunted or gathered; in fact whistling would have certainly blown their cover from the wooly mammoths. On the other hand, negative thoughts--the what if's and oh no's of life--are wired in. They are the handy neural first-responders which, by erring on the side of caution, kept us in our caves when the wind rustled the sticks on the ground in case it might have been a hungry wooly mammoth. But now in these civilized times, these warnings of danger or defeat are overprotective troublemakers. We shouldn't be surprised when we have them, or feel defeated: they are pre-set from the factory, but nor should we stop, drop and hang on their every word. We need to understand them as well-intentioned, but antiquated alarmists.

When we are having a bad day the alarm sounds like this: my life is a total disaster, nothing will ever work for me, I'm a total failure, but then if we try to fix it with a 180: my life is great; I can make anything work for me if I try, I can get anything done that I put my mind to, we may get the feeling we want to punch something, even though we're peaceful people.

The problem is that the original statement is a lie--it's an exaggeration in a negative direction of what is happening: true, we may be having an off moment, but that has little to do with what we're capable of in general. It's apples and oranges. Notice how the solution, the so-called positive statement, is yet another exaggeration--a lie in the opposite direction. We're trying to fix an unwieldy problem with an unwieldy solution. In the therapy field, we call that a "more of the same" strategy--it doesn't solve the problem, it doubles it.

In fact research has shown just this--when depressed people attempt to say positive statements in response to their depression, their self-esteem plummets. Researchers from the University of Waterloo in Canada found that for people suffering from low-self esteem reaching for the positive backfired--people felt worse about themselves after saying positive affirmations than they did before.

Question: If Positive Thinking Doesn't Work, What Do We Do with Negative Thinking?
Answer: Get Specific: Edit and Insert Modifiers to Right-Size the Problem

Think: truth in labeling. Negative thinking starts with some kernel of the truth-- for example, let's say we we're having trouble making progress with a project at work. That's the truth. But our automatic thoughts about that situation, rather than helping out us out, do just the opposite. They extend, expand and sensationalize that news into a whole new theory about ourselves, casting doom and gloom as far as the mind can imagine. And all in a no fuss, no muss, effortless way, faster than the speed of light. Rather than getting hooked on and dragged around by that description of the situation, think to yourself: that is the just the way the antiquated system is set up. Our job is to not buy into the National Enquirer version of our lives--those eye-catching catastrophic headlines that are too bad to be true, and instead it is to cultivate a different interpretation or spin on the story, soliciting the factual, if dry, Scientific American version. We will be feeling better because we'll be thinking more accurately. How do we do this?

Let's go back to our bad day. With some editing: my life is a total disaster, nothing will ever work for me, I'm a total failure becomes: right now I'm feeling like things aren't working for me, this day didn't go smoothly, this project has a glitch in it, and that's making me feel like a failure--I know this is temporary. When I work it out, and I will, I won't feel this way any more.

Now, we might not be jumping up and down for joy with this solution--but remember, we don't crave jumping up and down for joy, or at least we don't need that as a sustained state of being. We do however, need to know how to get unstuck from negative pulls, and separating facts from feelings and using accurate modifiers like--right now, not yet, for the moment, or sometimes essentially raises us up out of the deep think hole we slipped into by pinpointing or right-sizing the original trigger for the fall, the straw that broke the camel's back. Our bad moments aren't total disasters, our thinking takes the one thing that went wrong and presto, makes it feel like it's everything.

Beyond Just Negating the Negative: The Opposite of Negative Thinking isn't Positive Thinking, It's Possible Thinking

Normally when we are in a negative state we narrow our perspective and insist that there is one and only one solution that will make us feel better-- I just need to get that job; If he would just call, everything would be fine; If only I could lose 10 pounds, I'd be happy, etc. Narrowing the problem down, as we've just seen, is a good thing, but narrowing the solutions, not so good. Getting our minds working on stretching and broadening the possible responses or next steps is our goal.

How can we expand our vision to other points of view when the same negative feed keeps looping around in our minds? A friend of mine told me that she has a group of mentors she refers to as her "Board of Directors." These are trusted friends and colleagues to whom she turns for advice on a regular basis. Imagine establishing your own Board--staffed with people real or imaginary--whose guidance and opinions (or even sense of humor) you'd like to turn to in a tough negative moment. The Dalai Lama? Your wise grandmother? And for some levity...Bart Simpson, or David Sedaris? They don't need to know, and you don't have to supply the coffee and donuts when you assemble your meeting--the beauty of it is that it's all in your head and in this instance, that's a good thing. Just stepping out of the "me, me, me" take on our lives instantly frees us up, any additional wisdom we may glean from these trusted advisors is gravy.

When is it OK to be Positive? When It's Real

If we are taking "truth" as our barometer, of course it's ok to be positive--because genuine joy and happiness--dispersed in wonderful though fleeting installments--is authentic. Whether we are moved by the birth of a baby--touched by watching two kids walking hand in hand to school, thrilled to be collaborating with a favorite colleague or tickled by getting an email from an old boyfriend--we feel it and it's good.

These feelings are not manufactured or tinkered with, not labored over in the fields or factories of our minds, they are spontaneous. So, welcome spontaneous positive thoughts, but don't knock yourself out trying to fashion them out of thin air when they just aren't there.

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If we all follow these Pollan-esque instructions as we make our way down the aisles of our mind, we will cultivate and harvest what is real-- whether it be joy, sorrow or anything in between-- knowing that we are fully capable of digesting it safely. We won't get weighed down by what is manufactured in the dark places in our minds, but instead we will stick with what helps us grow.

Copyright Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., 2009

Gretchen Rubin: Balanced Life -- Don't Try To Keep That Resolution -- Part II

2009-12-14T12:26:32Z

Working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Several weeks ago, I posted about why I'd decided to give up my oft-repeated, but never kept, resolution to "Entertain more."

I decided that I needed to let go of this resolution. Even though I knew that in the long run, it would make me happier to have friends over, I realized I was feeling too overwhelmed to keep that resolution; it was weighing me down without prompting me to action; and I needed to let myself off the hook.

The funny thing is that about two days after I decided to give up that resolution, I invited my two (yes, two) children & young-adult literature reading groups over for a holiday party! Now, was this a coincidence? Nope.

This is what happened: the minute I went on the record saying "I can't handle trying to invite people over right now, I'm not going to do it," I let go of the fantasy of being the perfect party-giver, and then I could give a party. When I invited my friends over (by email, by the way, not with a mailed invitation), I stressed that the evening would be extremely casual and that I couldn't manage a "real" party. They didn't care! The party was last night, and in the end, I managed to do a good job. We all had a great time, I was a reasonably good hostess, my house looked nice, and I didn't make myself crazy beforehand. (This despite the fact that my husband had to go out of town that week, so he couldn't help.)

One of my Secrets of Adulthood (cribbed from Voltaire) is "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." My mother sets a high bar for me to consider - she does everything, including parties, absolutely beautifully. She enjoys doing it, but for me, it's stressful. When I think about trying to have a holiday party the way she'd do it, I can't cope. Telling myself that I wasn't "really" entertaining let me do it in my own way, at a level that I could handle.

So if you're having trouble keeping a resolution, consider pursuing it in a less "perfect" form; settle for the "good." If you can't make yourself go to the gym, try to go for a walk around the block. If you can't tackle your crowded garage, clean out one corner. If you don't have time to volunteer for the adult-literacy program, you can sign up to be an organ donor.

A nice thing about settling for "good" when "perfect" is too daunting is that achieving a small thing often gives you the energy to attempt a bigger thing. Having such a good time giving my un-party makes me more enthusiastic to do it again.

If you feel inspired to try to keep some resolutions - either small ones or big ones, good or perfect - consider joining in 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year. Each month I'll suggest a theme (e.g., Energy, Work, Family) and resolutions to help you boost your happiness. Learn more -- sign up!

* I've been a fan of Bob Sutton's books (especially The No A**hole Rule) and his blog Work Matters for a long time, so I sent him an advance copy of The Happiness Project. I was HAPPY beyond description to read his incredibly kind response, and I can't resist linking to it here: The Happiness Project--I Hate Self-Help Books But Love This One.

* In the category of goofy yet compelling, check out this short video of people recreating the London skyline out of fruits and vegetables.

* Free bonus materials: Pre-orders give a big boost to a book, so to thank readers for pre-ordering, I've put together some bonus materials. After you pre-order, just email me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com and write "I've pre-ordered," and I'll send them to you. Honor system. (Don't worry if you pre-ordered a while back, just email anyway.) Materials include:

--The Happiness Project Manifesto: a quick summary of some of the most important observations about happiness (Bob Sutton's fascinating 15 Things I Believe helped inspire me to write a manifesto)

--Top Tips: tips that people have found particularly helpful

--Resolutions Chart: my own personal Resolutions Chart, for you to consider as an example. The last page is blank, so you can use it as a template for your happiness project.

Therese Borchard: 7 Ways To Bust Holiday Depression

2009-12-13T07:00:00Z

My "9 Holiday Depression Busters" are featured in a Beliefnet gallery. Click here to find them.

It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year--but not if negative emotions take hold of your holidays. So let's be honest. The holidays are packed with stress, and therefore provoke tons of depression and anxiety. But there is hope. Whether I'm fretting about something as trite as stocking stuffers or as complicated as managing difficult family relationships, I apply a few rules that I've learned over the years. These 9 rules help me put the joy back into the festivities--or at least keep me from hurling a mistletoe at Santa and landing myself on the "naughty" list.

1. Expect the Worst

Now that's a cheery thought for this jolly season. What I'm trying to say is that you have to predict bad behavior before it happens so that you can catch it in your holiday mitt and toss it back, instead of having it knock you to the floor. It's simple math, really. If every year for the last decade, Uncle Ted has given you a bottle of Merlot, knowing full well that you are a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for more years than his kids have been out of diapers, you can safely assume he will do this again. So what do you do? Catch it in your "slightly-annoyed" mitt. (And maybe reciprocate by giving him a cheese basket for his high cholesterol.)

2. Avoid Toxic People

This one's difficult if the toxic people happen to be hosting Christmas dinner! But in general, just try your best to avoid pernicious humans in December. And if you absolutely must see such folks, then allow only enough time for digestion and gift-giving. Drink no more than one glass of wine in order to preserve your ability to think rationally. You don't want to get confused and decide you really do love these people, only to hear them say something horribly offensive two minutes later, causing you to storm off all aggravated and hurt. (This would also be a good time to remember Rule #1.)

3. Know Thyself

In other words, identify your triggers. As a highly sensitive person (as described in Elaine Aron's book, "The Highly Sensitive Person"), I know that my triggers exist in a petri dish of bacteria known as the Westfield Annapolis Mall. Between Halloween and New Years, I won't go near that place because Santa is there and he scares me with his long beard, which holds in its cute white curls every virus of every local preschool. Before you make too many plans this holiday season, list your triggers: people, places, and things that tend to trigger your fears and bring out your worst traits.

4. Travel With Polyester, Not Linen

By this, I DO NOT mean sporting the polyester skirt with the red sequinned reindeer. I'm saying that you should lower your standards and make traveling as easy as possible, both literally and figuratively. Do you really want to be looking for an iron for that beautiful linen or cotton dress when you arrive at your destination? I didn't think so--life's too short for travel irons.

I used to be adamantly opposed to using a portable DVD player in the car to entertain the kids because I thought it would create two spoiled monsters whose imaginations had rotted courtesy of Disney. One nine-hour car trip home to Ohio for Christmas, I cried uncle after six hours of constant squabbling and screaming coming from the back seat. Now David and Katherine only fight over which movie they get to watch first. If you have a no-food rule policy for the car, I'd amend that one during the holidays as well.

5. Make Your Own Traditions

Of course, you don't need the "polyester" rule if you ban holiday travel altogether. That's what I did this year. As the daughter/sister who abandoned her family in Ohio by moving out east, it has always been my responsibility to travel during the holidays. But my kids are now four and six. I can't continue to haul the family to the Midwest every year. We are our own family. So I said this to my mom a few weeks ago: "It's very important that I spend time with you, but I'd like to do it as a less stressful time, like the summer, when traveling is easier." She wasn't thrilled, but she understood.

Making your own tradition might mean Christmas Eve is reserved for your family and the extended family is invited over for brunch on Christmas Day. Or vice versa. Basically, it's laying down some rules so that you have better control over the situation. As a people-pleaser who hates to cook, I make a better guest than host, but sometimes serenity comes in taking the driver's seat, and telling the passengers to fasten their seatbelts and be quiet.

6. Get Out of Yourself

According to Gandhi, the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in service to others. But that doesn't necessarily mean holding a soup ladle. Since my name and the word "kitchen" have filed a restraining order on each other, I like to think there are a variety of ways you can serve others.

Matthew 6:21 says "for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." In other words, start with the things you like to do. For me, that is saying a rosary for a depressed Beyond Blue reader, or visiting a priest-friend who needs encouragement and support in order to continue his ministry, or helping talented writer friends get published. I'd like to think this is service, too, because if those people are empowered by my actions, then I've contributed to a better world just as much as if I had dished out mashed potatoes to a homeless person at a shelter.

7. Exercise Your Funny Bone

"Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods," says a Japanese proverb. So, if you're with someone who thinks he's God, the natural response would be to laugh! But seriously folks, research shows that laughing is good for your health. And, unlike exercise, it's always enjoyable! The funniest people in my life are those who have been to hell and back, bought the t-shirt, and then accidentally shrunk it in the wash. Humor kept them alive--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Remember, with a funny bone in place--even if it's in a cast--everything is tolerable.

Click here for more holiday depression busters.

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Originally published on Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com. To read more of Therese, visit her blog, Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com, or subscribe here. You may also find her at www.thereseborchard.com.

Bella DePaulo: Two Scholars Ask: What if Marriage Is Bad for Us?

2009-12-12T17:10:00Z

People who dislike my writings are fond of calling me anti-marriage, but that's not quite accurate. What I really think is that marriage is not for everyone, and that people who want to stay single should not be targeted with singlism because of it. People who marry should refrain from becoming matrimaniacs, as should the rest of the society. I believe, based on a close reading of original scientific sources, that most of the demeaning claims about single people are grossly exaggerated or just plain wrong. I also question the status of marriage as a criterion of eligibility for such basic human dignities as access to health care (as when marrieds can access health insurance through a spouse's plan but singles have no comparable option) or to a secure retirement (as when a widow can access their deceased spouse's Social Security benefits but singles can neither receive benefits from, say, a close friend or sibling, nor can they bequeath their benefits to any such peers).

Earlier this fall, two scholars posed a starker question than my own: "What if marriage is bad for us?" The essay by Middlebury College sociologists Laurie Essig and Lynn Owens was originally published in the Chronicle of Higher Education and later reprinted elsewhere. You can read their fully-developed argument here. In this post, I'll describe some of the main points, then leave it to all of you to post your reactions in the Comments section.

The scholars begin by reviewing the usual claims about all the ways in which marriage is supposed to be good for us. They also take us through some of the segments of society, from progressive advocacy groups to conservative (and not-at-all-conservative) political leaders who have tried so hard to advance those beliefs.

Then they pivot and take on the claims, one after another. For example:

1. In response to the pronouncement that "marriage makes you healthy," they note (as I often have) that "married and never-married Americans are similar; it's the divorced who seem to suffer." They then dare to add this: "The lesson might be to never divorce, but an even more obvious lesson to be drawn from the research might be to never marry."

2. About the myth that single people are isolated and alone, the authors point to research showing that actually, married couples are more often isolated. They note that "we are instructed by movies, pop songs, state policy, and sociology to get married because 'love is all you need.' But actually we humans need more."

3. Does marriage make you rich? Not necessarily. And, "even when marriage does produce wealth, divorce often destroys it."

4. Surely we can all agree that (continue reading here at the Living Single blog at Psychology Today).

Eliezer Sobel: Why I Am Not Enlightened

2009-12-11T14:35:59Z

I finally figured out why I'm not enlightened. Over 30 years ago, when I had just made the proverbial first step on a "journey of a thousand miles" I heard the following well-known tale: A man approaches a Zen Master and asks to be shown the path to enlightenment. The Master replies, "Okay, follow me," stands up, and walks the man to a nearby river and into the water. Without warning, the Master forces the man's head under the water and holds it there as he struggles violently for his life, until he is nearly dead. At last the Master pulls the man up, gasping for air, and says, "When you want to be enlightened as badly as you wanted to take your next breath just now, come back and see me."

At the time, as a youthful spiritual adventurer, the story inspired me and got me fired up, and fueled the years of seeking, meditating, and exotic travels to distant lands that followed. Yet now, looking back, I'm wondering if I could have saved myself a lot of trouble had I simply answered the question implied by that story honestly: No. No I do not want to get enlightened more than life itself, more than I would crave my next breath in that situation.

Again and again in the spiritual literature, and particularly in the fierce world of Zen, we come across stories that are similar. In ancient China, it is said that Hui-ka came to Bodhidharma's cave and waited for the monk to accept him. After standing there for days with no sign of the teacher coming out to greet him, it began snowing. When the snow had reached to Hui's waist, Bodhidharma finally came out and asked,

" What is it you want?"
"My mind is not at ease," Hui replied.
"The Way is long and difficult," said Bodhi, dismissing him.

Hui took out his sword and chopped off his left arm and handed it to the Master, and was accepted.

Another tale tells of the Zen master who was once threatened by a gruff Samurai holding a sword over him, saying, "Don't you know who I am? I am someone who could cut your head off without a second thought or batting an eye," to which the Master replied, "And don't you know who I am? I am someone who could offer you his head to cut off without a second thought or batting an eye." In one of his previous incarnations, the Buddha is said to have offered his body as food for a hungry tiger.

And so forth and so on; the message seems to be that enlightenment, or the realization of Truth, is not a casual affair for mere spiritual tourists, but only for the very rare individual willing to sacrifice any and everything, including his or her very life, in its pursuit.

Alas, most of us, myself included, are merely in search of, at best, "feeling better," while possibly surrounding ourselves with consoling aphorisms and beliefs, incense, and countless books on esoteric subjects written by others who themselves have not made the final cut, so to speak. (The late Douglas Harding, one of the few who seemed to know of what he spoke, titled one of his books, On Having No Head.) But let's face it: of all the people that you and I know who have spent a good deal of their lives sitting on meditation cushions, chanting in Sanskrit, gulping psychedelics like M & Ms, and subscribing to The Yoga Journal, how many have achieved the pinnacle of human possibility that all of the great spiritual teachings insist is available to anyone, if only we wanted it as badly as air and life itself?

It would mean putting enlightenment at the top of our To-Do list and priorities, ahead of career, family, comfort and security, things which, speaking for myself, actually comprise some of my favorite parts of being alive. In the Christian world, of course, Jesus was a "fisher of men" and told them to put down their nets right then and there and "follow me." Like the Moonies in the early days, those who joined up never even called home or checked in with their parents. (Perhaps today the families of Peter, Judas and the rest would kidnap them and deliver them to a deprogrammer). Same for the monks who divested themselves of all worldly goods and personal attachments to traipse through the forest with the Buddha. The Jews, naturally, didn't have much choice. Following Moses into the desert for 40 years seemed at first as if it would definitely be a step up from brutal slavery, but a lot of them bitched and moaned about it anyway. Even they didn't always want their freedom more than the familiarity of the less than optimal life they knew.

Ram Dass, the well-known teacher and author of the canonic Be Here Now, once spoke of a picture he saw in the newspaper of an abused and battered infant wailing as it was taken out of the arms of its mother, reaching back desperately for its abuser. The message was clear: we are wired to choose the familiar and the comfortable at any cost. I attended a two-week retreat in Rishikesh, India with contemporary guru Andrew Cohen once, and he made it crystal clear at the outset that it was imperative that we "want to be free more than anything else," and that we needed to be "deadly serious about it." I've never really been deadly serious about anything (except maybe my record collection) so that put me off a bit, especially since the most enlightened people I had come into contact with over the years always had at least one thing in common: they laughed uproariously and often. (Actually, to be fair, so did Andrew.)

I've just finished reading Spiritual Warfare by Jed McKenna, who, like Andrew and many others who walk among us these days, presents himself as someone who is "done," in the sense that prior to enlightenment, we are all perpetually in a state of "becoming," as distinct from finally being released into the vast mystery of Present Being, with no further demands of life, only curiosity and radical amazement. Jed is done with all becoming. So he, too, naturally, makes statements like, "All that's required is an arm and a leg? That's it?" He can't believe his good fortune to learn that "waking up" is such a bargain. Living without a few limbs, he says, is far preferable to even one more moment of living a lie.

Okay, I think I've made my point: the reason I am not enlightened after all these years is that I value my arms and legs too much, not to mention my wife and family, and last but not least, air. (My favorite.)

Now, for the opposing view: the most provocative statement I ever heard Werner Erhard make--yes I know he is controversial and either adored or despised, but this is worth considering--was that over the years, he had witnessed thousands of people literally give up everything in their pursuit of enlightenment. He had seen them give up their jobs, their families, spend their fortunes, devote years of their time, meditate until their knees were destroyed, "ANYTHING," he said, "except the ONE THING required in order to be enlightened. That, no one will give up." He paused for emphasis, then shouted, as was his style, "PEOPLE WILL NOT GIVE UP THAT THEY ARE NOT ENLIGHTENED. IT'S TOO TERRIBLE TO GIVE THAT ONE UP! THEY HAVE TOO MUCH FUN DOING THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO ENLIGHTEN THEM!" He went on in a softer voice, "Now, did I just say you shouldn't do things that are going to enlighten you? No; do them. But do them because it's fun to do them! I would do them. I do do them. But not because they're going to enlighten anyone. You can't get enlightened. But you can be enlightened."

It's the perennial paradox. There are many spiritual teachers and schools of thought who remind us continuously that, "this is it," that we are, each of us, always already enlightened. That it is impossible to be otherwise, and any effort whatsoever in the direction of enlightenment can only, by definition, be a journey further from it, since it is where, unbeknownst to us, we are starting out from. A religious way of stating this would be to say that we are always already in the Presence of God. If God is Omnipresent, the Source and Substance of Everything/Everywhere, (and for the non-dual people, also the Non-Source and Non-Substance of Nothing/Nowhere, and really neither of those two, nor both; confused yet?) then there is absolutely nothing any of us could do, obviously, to either bring in or remove God from the scene.

Our True Nature is who we already are, not something we can become or attain in the future. The paradox becomes that we somehow don't recognize this fact and spend years searching for something that was never lost, and if we're fortunate, we'll run into a teacher along the way who will simply, as the Tibetan Dzogchen tradition puts it, "point out" what is perfectly obvious. Jed McKenna calls it "opening your eyes," Gurdjieff and many others refer to it as "waking up." It has been called God-Realization, Self-Realization, Enlightenment, Liberation, or simply being real and authentic, resting in the center of our original, True Nature and living life from that place rather than looking for it.

So those seem to be our two main choices: Either we're presently, already enlightened and simply don't know it, and there may or may not be teachers or methods that can help us achieve the recognition that there is nothing to achieve; or, we're clearly very far from enlightenment and we need to be willing to sacrifice our very lives to get to the Truth, and there may or may not be teachers or methods that will help us achieve that. In either case, good luck! In the meantime, it seems to me that it behooves we spiritual seekers to get on with our day.

Janice Taylor: The Holiday Diet Fast

2009-12-10T12:29:27Z

I've been talking to tons of Kick in the Tush Club members as well as private coaching clients, asking them "How do you get through the holidays without gaining weight?" And many tell me "I take a look at my calendar and when I see that a few events are looming in the not too distant future, I simply cut back on eating."

Not quite sure what that meant, I further inquired, "What does cutting back look like?"

After forty years (yes 40!) of breakfast related studies that show without a shadow of a doubt that kick-starting your day with breakfast is the healthy thing to do - one of the best strategies to lose weight - my peeps told me that they opt to skip breakfast, especially on the party days, thinking that they will save those calories for later.

I expressed my concern around their 'non-breakfast' strategies, and they further confessed.

"Oh, I just don't have the time for breakfast!"
Really? How much time does it take to down a bowl of cereal or a container of yogurt with a bit of fresh fruit? Or a hard-boiled egg, for that matter?

"I'm not hungry in the morning."
What time do you eat dinner? 10 p.m.? Midnight?

"Skipping breakfast is a part of my diet plan."
Studies show that eating breakfast will actually help you to reach and maintain your healthy weight.

"I don't like breakfast."
There's no rule about what 'breakfast food' is or is not! You could eat lunch for breakfast or dinner for lunch or breakfast for dinner. Get creative.

Here's why YOU should eat breakfast! ... and I rarely tell anyone what they should do!!!

After eight to twelve hours of NOT eating (fasting!), your body is ready to and needs to refuel its glucose levels (a.k.a. blood sugar). Glucose is the main energy source for your brain, and it helps fuel your muscles that move you through your day. Those who skip breakfast often find themselves feeling tired, restless, irritable and scattered.

Whether in the process of removing those excess pounds or maintaining your healthy weight, breakfast is very important! It helps to curb your hunger and breakfast can help to prevent binge eating later in the day. At the end of the day, those who eat breakfast consume less calories, are thinner and tend to be healthier than those who do not eat breakfast.

And for you moms out there ... kids who eat breakfast do better in school, are more alert and can concentrate better than the kids who skip the most important meal of the day!

Breakfast Tips!
Try combining a bit of protein, carbohydrate, fiber, and fat at every breakfast. A breakfast that ranges between 250-350 calories can keep you sated for hours!

• Ready-to-eat whole grain cereal topped with fruit and yogurt.
• Whole-grain waffles topped with one tablespoon of peanut butter, fruit and or ricotta cheese.
• Whole-wheat pita stuffed with sliced hard-boiled eggs, lettuce and tomato.
Sardines (in mustard sauce, my fav) on whole-wheat crackers (or stuff that pita again!).
• Steel Cut Oatmeal topped with fresh fruit.
• Breakfast smooth (whirl up a milk, fruit and bran combo in your blender)
• Omelet (egg-white or otherwise) with copious amount of veggies, an orange on the side with a slice of whole wheat toast.

Now! Include breakfast into your healthy food plans, even if your calendar is over-flowing with holiday parties. You'll thank me for it come January!!!

Spread the word ... NOT the icing!
Janice
________________________________

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Gretchen Rubin: Balanced Life -- Eight Tips To Know If You're Being Boring

2009-12-09T12:45:44Z

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

This Wednesday: Eight tips for knowing if you're boring someone.

'Tis the season of merry-making, which means you're probably more likely than usual to find yourself making polite and perhaps awkward chit-chat. One of the challenges of the holidays!

If you have trouble talking to a stranger in those situations, here are some tips to consider.

But once you're talking, how do you know if the other person is interested in your conversation - or not? One challenge is that the more socially adept a person is, the better he or she is at hiding boredom. It's a rare person, however, who can truly look fascinated while bored.

Here are the factors I watch, when trying to figure out if I'm connecting with someone. These are utterly unscientific - I'm sure someone has made a proper study of this, but these are just my observations (mostly from noting how I behave when I'm bored and trying to hide it):

1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who repeats, "Oh really? Wow. Oh really? Interesting." isn't particularly engaged.

2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple questions. "When did you move?" "Where did you go?" People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness.

3. Interruption. Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. Similarly...

4. Request for clarification. A person who is sincerely interested in what you're saying will ask you to elaborate or to explain. "What does that term mean?" "When exactly did that happen?" "Then what did he say?" are the kinds of questions that show that someone is trying closely to follow what you're saying.

5. Imbalance of talking time. I suspect that many people fondly suppose that they usually do eighty percent of the talking because people find them fascinating. Sometimes, it's true, a discussion involves a huge download of information desired by the listener; that's a very satisfying kind of conversation. In general, though, people who are interested in a subject have things to say themselves; they want to add their own opinions, information, and experiences. If they aren't doing that, they're probably keeping quiet in the hopes that the conversation will end faster. Or maybe you just aren't letting them get a word in -- recently I was talking to someone who, though fascinating, didn't want to let me contribute to the conversation. I enjoyed it, but not as much as if I'd been able to talk, too.

6. Abrupt changes in topic. If you're talking to someone about, say, the life of Winston Churchill (I have a tendency to dwell at length on this particular subject), and all of a sudden the other person says, "So how are your kids?", it's a sign that he or she isn't very interested or perhaps not listening at all. When someone makes this kind of switch, I have to fight the urge not to drag the topic back to what I want to talk about - but the fact that someone has introduced a completely different subject is a sure sign that the subject is not engaging.

7. Body position. People with a good connection generally turn to face each other. A person who is partially turned away isn't fully embracing the conversation. Along the same lines, if you're a speaker trying to figure out if an audience is interested in what you're saying:

8. Audience posture. Back in 1885, Sir Francis Galton wrote a paper called "The Measurement of Fidget." He determined that people slouch and lean when bored, so a speaker can measure the boredom of an audience by seeing how far from vertically upright they are. Also, attentive people fidget less; bored people fidget more. An audience that's sitting still and upright is interested, while an audience that's horizontal and squirmy is bored.

I often remind myself of La Rochefoucauld's observation, "We are always bored by those whom we bore." If I'm bored, there's a good chance the other person may be bored, too. Time to find a different subject. (Here's a list of some topics to avoid, if you don't want to risk boring people.)

Have you figured out any ways to tell if you're boring someone?

* I really enjoy the blog Ivy League Insecurities -- "because no league prepares you for life."

* It's Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:

-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested

-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)

-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 30,000 people get it)

-- Pre-order the book for your friends (or yourself) -- here's an e-card to let them know it's coming

-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update

Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.