We control to get love and avoid pain, yet by controlling rather than loving ourselves and others, we create the very pain we are trying to avoid. The negative aspects of your relationship and your expectations are fertile areas for exploration within yourself and with your partner.
When your partner consistently avoids sex and intimacy, or on the rare occasion when they are willing, are obviously doing so reluctantly -- the accumulations of repeated rejections are likely to have a big impact on your self-esteem.
Being in touch with our yearning, and anchoring our desire, is not an event, but an ongoing process. In taking it on we strengthen our motivation. And for whatever our heart desires, that's always a good thing.
Most people say they want more love and joy in their lives, but they are often confused on how to create these experiences. What can we do, in very practical terms, to create more love and joy in our lives?
We often have several "primary agreements" in our intimate relationships. We agree to take care of each other, as well as to be nice, to protect and not to hurt each other. "I've got your back! I wont hurt you, and I wont let any one else hurt you! You're safe with me!"
No matter what resolution you decide, to repair the relationship or to end the relationship, at some point in time, the acceptance process comes into play. How can you accept that your life has been turned upside-down?
We can't control anything or anyone outside of ourselves. We can only control how we react or how we respond to what is going on outside of ourselves. So when something happens, we can either contract or expand. It's a choice.
Saying you are sorry takes a lot of courage because it makes you vulnerable. I know being vulnerable is scary, but if you think about it, it's the price you pay for hurting someone. No one likes to apologize, but no one likes to be hurt either.
The jungle of relationships in which we all live is filled with opportunities to feel incompetent, unworthy, flawed and wronged. But when such a troubled and chronic dynamic evolves between two people at home or work, both make it possible.
Relationships and people require intimacy in order to thrive. When we make the effort to give attention to bringing the conditions into our relationship that encourage and promote intimacy, it's not only our relationships that benefit but our lives in general.
You are the only person with the power to control yourself. Being you is more than just your favorite color or your favorite food, it's about becoming the person you are capable of being. Creating the real you can be a life-long journey.
When I can hold the difference in my consciousness, when I can recognize the Divine in the other as independent from the choices the personality might make, I find my life is easier, characterized by more grace, acceptance and loving.