This week, Paula Abdul's Idol journey ended, Sonia Sotomayor's SCOTUS journey officially began, Michael Jackson moved closer to posthumously setting a new record for most autopsies, and Bill Clinton added another line to his resume: superstar envoy. In the battle for the most cringe-inducing quote of the week, Ryan O'Neal staked his claim to the title with his admission that he hit on his daughter, Tatum, at ex-wife Farrah Fawcett's funeral, while George Bush scored major points with his 2003 assertion, newly revealed by French President Jacques Chirac, that he wanted to invade Iraq to thwart Gog and Magog, the Bible's satanic agents of the Apocalypse. Filled with libidinous fervor, O'Neal wanted to bed his kid. Filled with religious fervor, Bush ended up screwing us all.
Some post-Inauguration predictions: Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma will refuse all future cold-weather bookings. Aretha Franklin will now be known as "The Queen of Soul...and Funky Hats." Rev. Lowery will be invited to throw out the first pitch at the home openers of the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. Jacques Chirac will not be renting Cujo anytime soon. George Bush will not be on Scooter Libby's Christmas card list this year. In the Dick-Cheney-in-a-wheelchair-movie-reference-derby, "Mr. Potter" will beat out "Ernst Stavro Blofeld." The swearing in will not be the last time President Obama and Chief Justice Roberts are not on the same page.