When Bill Clinton Met Mayhill Fowler on the Rope Line
Newsroom people, you don't have to leave the moral universe you grew up in. Just admit the possibility of another valid one beyond yours.
Jonathan Alter
Let The Second Guessing Begin: Five Reasons Obama Won and Five Reasons Clinton Lost
Jonathan Alter | Posted 06.05.2008 | Politics
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Journalists, historians and bloggers will be talking for years about what happened. In such a close race, the winner did plenty of things wrong, and the loser did a lot right.
Math Favors Hillary, Says Huckabee
Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.07.2008 | Politics
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"I didn't major in math, I majored in miracles," Huckabee told reporters in Little Rock today. "And after Tuesday's results, my Miracle-o-meter is tingling off the hook."
Obama Proposes Gas-bag Holiday
Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.05.2008 | Politics
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CNN's senior gas-bag, Lou Dobbs, said that Sen. Obama's proposal of a gas-bag holiday should make Americans "question his patriotism."
Hillary, Barack and the Party: A Non Faceoff At A Semi-Dignified Tar Heel Affair
Reny Monk | Posted 05.03.2008 | Home
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At the DNC North Carolina dinner, Clinton again never got a chance to trade wits with her rival, playing warm-up for him instead, basically introducing him to the cheering attendees.
Obama De-friends Wright on Facebook
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.30.2008 | Politics
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Chief Obama strategist David Axelrod said that Sen. Obama had to de-friend the Rev. Wright on Facebook "because he was getting really annoying."
Rev. Wright Launches Own 24-Hr. Channel
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.28.2008 | Politics
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By launching WrightTV, the minister said, "It is my sincere hope that I can quench the public's seemingly limitless thirst for hearing me talk."
Snaphots: Our Political-Entertainment Industrial Complex
Scott Shrake | Posted 04.27.2008 | Home
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At the White House Correspondents Association Dinner, I saw a lot of vintage 1990s right-wingers, including Ralph Reed and Newt Gingrich, but whatever. Top Politico of the night? Pamela, of course!
Obama: Voters Fine, I'm Bitter
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.26.2008 | Politics
Sen. Obama said that after Rev. Wright controversy, the ABC News debate, the flag lapel criticism, and the "red phone" ads, "You can bet your ass I know a thing or two about who's bitter."
McCain Celebrates Huge Pennsylvania Win
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.23.2008 | Politics
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A jubilant McCain said that "It became abundantly clear that the people of Pennsylvania want to send the Republicans back to the White House for another four years."
Democratic Race 'Too Mean,' Say Swift Boat Veterans
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.21.2008 | Politics
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The Democratic race has descended to "a level of meanness and acrimony that is damaging to American politics," the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth said today.
Gibson Trounces Stephanopoulos in Crucial Debate
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.17.2008 | Media
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An aide to Gibson later summed up his victory: "He didn't let the candidates talk too much, and he made sure that this debate would be about Charles Gibson and nothing but Charles Gibson."
Poll: Majority of Americans Bitter, Clingy
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.16.2008 | Politics
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A new poll hints that Obama's controversial remarks in which he called Pennsylvania voters "bitter" may actually be helping him with a key constituency: bitter voters.
Boston Herald, Borowitz Report to Merge News Operations
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.15.2008 | Media
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The Herald said that it came to its merger decision after The Borowitz Report story it re-published, "Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest," failed to set off any alarms in its fact-checking department.
Boston Herald Prints My Fake News as Real News
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.14.2008 | Media
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The Boston Herald, apparently believing my "Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest" story to be true, published it as a straight news story.
Fire in Clinton Campaign Headquarters Destroys Tax Returns
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.11.2008 | Politics
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A spokesman for the Clinton campaign said that the 2007 tax returns of Mrs. Clinton and her husband went up in flames along with everything else.
China Moves Olympics to Undisclosed Location
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.10.2008 | Politics
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The reasoning behind the move was simple, a spokesman for China's ministry of sport told reporters: "You cannot protest what you cannot find."
Degrees of Matriculation
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.08.2008 | Living
While your SAT scores fall below the threshold for acceptance to Harvard's class of 2012, your Harvard parents' participation in our fund-raising appeals have gained you admission to a new program called LegacyPlus™.
Market Tumbles on News That Bush Is Still President
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.03.2008 | Politics
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One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.
Nader Tells Gravel to Get Out of Race
Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.01.2008 | Politics
"If Gravel's presence in the race winds up leading to the election of a Republican who then leads us into a disastrous war, I don't know how he'll live with himself," Mr. Nader said.
Hillary Vows to Stay in Race 100 Years
Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.30.2008 | Politics
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Sen. Clinton added that she was refusing to announce an exit strategy from the race because "that would send the wrong message to the enemy."
Hillary Says 8-Year-Old Bosnian Girl Was Actually Sniper
Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.26.2008 | Politics
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The senator said that moments after the "so-called little girl" presented her with the flowers, she revealed what the bouquet had been hiding: "a tiny semi-automatic weapon."
Hillary Says She 'Misspoke' About Wrestling Bin Laden
Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.25.2008 | Politics
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"I may have misspoke about what went on that particular day," Clinton said. "But it was a very busy time for me, what with having that knife-fight with Kim Jong-Il and all."
Bush to Phase Out Environment by 2009
Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.23.2008 | Politics
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The president said that by removing endangered species from the protected list one by one, he has been able to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's missing."
Lewinsky Releases White House Schedule
Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.20.2008 | Politics
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Lewinsky hoped that in releasing the schedule she would put to rest nagging questions about her role in the Northern Ireland peace talks and the controversial NAFTA trade agreement.
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