Simpson made his case for the government bailing him out of jail, arguing that as long as he is a free man he is likely to become involved in other criminal cases that could generate much-needed television revenue.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.02.2008 | Politics
In exchange for the exclusive sponsorship, Mad Libs™ agreed to provide Gov. Palin with a special Mad Libs™ edition composed entirely of answers to vice-presidential debate questions.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.01.2008 | Politics
He plans to crouch inside the podium out of view of the audience, whispering key bits of information to Gov. Palin, such as the names of any Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade.
Caroline Presno | Posted 11.01.2008 | Media
Things like energy and persistence are important, but look at it this way: Would you rather have an energized horse pulling an empty cart or a cart filled with ideas?
Andy Borowitz | Posted 09.30.2008 | Politics
Somaili pirates who stunned the world by seizing a Ukrainian ship announced today that they would take a brief hiatus from terrorizing the high seas out of respect for the Jewish holidays.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 09.29.2008 | Politics
According to campaign insiders, the decision to select a hoofed mammal to replace Gov. Palin evolved after Sen. McCain watched his running mate's performance in a series of interviews with CBS's Katie Couric.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 09.27.2008 | Politics
Every time McCranky says "my friends," me and my boyz do another round of Jagerbombs. Fu**in excellent right? I am gonna be totally fu**in wasted before that a-hole shuts his pie-hole.
Andy Ostroy | Posted 10.25.2008 | Business
The meltdown on Wall Street last week wasn't the only one. We got a glimpse of McCain under fire, and it wasn't pretty. America needs a president who provides a steady hand under pressure.
New York Times | Frank Rich | Posted 10.22.2008 | Media
You know the press is impotent at unmasking this truthiness when the hardest-hitting interrogation McCain has yet faced on television came on "The Vie...
Andy Borowitz | Posted 09.19.2008 | Politics
"Spain can run, but it cannot hide," McCain told his audience at a rally in St. Louis. "I am fully prepared to invade Spain, and if that means sending troops to South America, then so be it."
Andy Borowitz | Posted 09.16.2008 | Politics
Sen. McCain attacked the power elite on Wall Street, calling them "wealthy plutocrats with private jets and too many houses to keep track of."
Andy Borowitz | Posted 09.08.2008 | Politics
Gov. Palin's wisecrack was the last straw for Carol Foyler, the executive director of the Pitbull Anti-Defamation League: "We're all like, first the Michael Vick thing, and now this."
Andy Borowitz | Posted 09.03.2008 | Politics
There is some seriously weird stuff goin on up in here!!! So I get off the plane in Minnesota and the first thing I know some creepy old dude who smells like my grandma is gettin up in my grille.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.29.2008 | Politics
The GOP campaign for the White House is looking more and more like the screenplay for an unproduced Goldie Hawn film from the 1980's, a Goldie Hawn fi...
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.29.2008 | Politics
Sen. McCain unleashed a savage attack on Sen. Obama, claiming that his Democratic opponent would be "at a loss" when faced with the challenges of running a 5000-person municipality in Alaska.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.26.2008 | Politics
In the ad, which is being broadcast in key swing states, an announcer intones, "They're the cutest children in the world - but are they ready to lead?"
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.25.2008 | Politics
For his part, former President Clinton said that he was "surprised" by the DNC's decision to institute the five-second delay, but added, "It's just like those motherf*ckers."
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.22.2008 | Politics
Cindy McCain responded to a reporter's question today about how many half-sisters she had by saying that she was "unsure" about the exact number but would have "a staff member look into it."
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.23.2008 | Politics
Representatives of television news divisions said they were undecided as to how to cover the Biden speech, but none were willing to commit to covering it live in its entirety.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.18.2008 | Politics
Likely bigots chose McCain over Obama by a margin of one thousand to one, with a majority of racists saying they "strongly disagree" with Sen. Obama's decision not to be white.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.13.2008 | Entertainment
The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were instead found to be composed of 99% lead alloy and coated with a gold-colored lead-based paint.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.11.2008 | Entertainment
A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on NBC.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.08.2008 | Politics
Minutes after John Edwards admitted having an extramarital affair during the 2008 campaign, a supermarket tabloid published potentially explosive photos of an infant with a $400 haircut.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 08.04.2008 | Living
With a new doctor's warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.
Andy Borowitz | Posted 07.31.2008 | Politics
Ms. Hilton said she was also "offended" by the implication that she and Ms. Spears favor a tax on electricity: "We have both been very clear on that issue."
Andy Borowitz | Posted 10.04.2008 | Politics