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Los Angeles Times.

iPhone Alarm Fix!

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

After days of mounting frustration from iPhone owners, Apple chief Steve Jobs today finally announced a fix for the phone's annoying alarm glitch.

Apple Cancels Press Conference on iPhone Alarm Glitch After Steve Jobs Oversleeps

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Apple, Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

My New Year's Thoughts

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Some New Year's thoughts from Andy Borowitz: MMXI is also how Sarah Palin spells "America."

Birthers Challenge Hawaii to Produce Statehood Certificate

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"To be honest, it's something I've always kind of wondered about," Gov. Palin said. "Hawaii just isn't an American-sounding name, like Alaska."

Pat Robertson: Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Who Were Planning to Drive to Do Something Gay

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."

Winter Weather Expected to Dominate Conversations of Boring People

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

With blizzard conditions blanketing the Northeast, a powerful front of mind-numbing weather-related banter is expected to pound the Eastern Seaboard, with statements of the obvious stretching from the Carolinas to New England.

Tea Party Cancels Christmas Pageant; Could Not Find Three Wise Men

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We couldn't find three wise men," Tea Party holiday coordinator Carol Foyler told reporters. "It's too bad, because we had plenty of sheep."

Is a Government Takeover of Health Care a Lie?

Linda Bergthold | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Linda Bergthold

Was PolitiFact right to call the "government takeover of health care" the "lie of the year" or has the role of government been so enlarged that we can now assume DC is in charge of what our physicians prescribe?

New LA Times Column Watchdogs Local Goverment

Anthea Raymond | Posted 05.25.2011 | Los Angeles
Anthea Raymond

A linchpin at the Los Angeles Times editorial pages has stepped out from behind the scenes to put his vast knowledge of local government to work.

The Significance of John Boehner's Tears

Danny Groner | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Danny Groner

Over the past week, people have been debating John Boehner's emotions, not his motions. The expected next Speaker of the House has become known for his crying.

Julian Assange to Launch Social Network for Diplomats, Twofacebook™

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Saying that he hopes to build the site into a "portal of deceit," Mr. Assange said, "this will be a must-visit destination on the Internet for sworn enemies to friend each other."

Afghanistan 'Review' Shows Need for Journalism on Classified Information

Robert Naiman | Posted 05.25.2011 | World
Robert Naiman

The top line of the story the administration is presenting is "progress." But the assessment of 16 U.S. intelligence agencies gives a very different picture, and the public needs to know that in order to have an informed opinion.

In Controversial Decision, Time Calls Mark Zuckerberg a Person

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The decision to call the robot-like Internet titan a person raised eyebrows from Silicon Valley to Wall Street, forcing Time spokesperson Carol Foyler to acknowledge, "This wasn't an easy call."

What Can Obama Learn From Bill Clinton?

Danny Groner | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Danny Groner

Bill Clinton's brief appearance last week excited both members of the media and Washington, but the question now is whether Clinton's presence can help Obama turn things around.

Golden Globes Announce Nominees; WikiLeaks Announce Winners

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Speaking from his jail cell, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, "On behalf of all of us here at WikiLeaks, I want to offer my congratulations to all the winners, including Natalie Portman, Colin Firth, and this year's Best Picture, 'Burlesque.'"

The Medal of Honor: An Honor Too Far?

Dorian de Wind | Posted 05.25.2011 | Politics
Dorian de Wind

Americans will feel better about themselves when all our heroes are recognized for their valor and sacrifices in a more timely, objective and equitable way.

Democrats Move 2012 Convention to Metrodome

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In a move that took many political observers by surprise, the Democratic National Committee decided today to move its 2012 nominating convention to the recently collapsed Minneapolis Metrodome.

Disaster-Torn Haiti Braces for Palin

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We have suffered earthquakes, hurricanes, and disease," said Minister of Disaster Jean-Claude Mansaray. "But it remains to be seen whether we can withstand a disaster of Sarah Palin's magnitude."

Obama "Still Looking For Right Way" to Ask Clinton to Leave White House

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Obama assumed that once the former president wrapped things up with reporters yesterday, he would say his goodbyes and depart in a waiting car, "but that kind of didn't happen," an aide said.

Open Letter to Bill Gates

Peter Zucker | Posted 05.25.2011 | Education
Peter Zucker

I think it is time that Bill, and others of his ilk get, pardon the pun, schooled on tenure.

Saudi Media Fall for Borowitz Report Joke on HuffPost

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

When The Borowitz Report jokingly announced earlier this week that President Obama was willing to admit he is a Muslim to please the Republicans, little did it know that it was triggering an international incident bigger than WikiLeaks.

Obama Agrees to Extend Republicans' Custody of His Balls

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Obama said that extending Republican custody of his balls through 2012 "was like the Holy Grail for them, but I'm keeping my eyes on the North Star," adding, "I have no idea what any of that means."

Wealthiest .0000001% Hail Tax Deal

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In response to critics who have said that Mr. Obama's decision to extend the tax cuts represents a change in his position, a spokesman for multi-billionaires replied, "If I may coin a phrase, that's change I can believe in."

In Latest Compromise With GOP, Obama Agrees He Is a Muslim

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Differences over his religious orientation have been a sore point between the president and his Republican foes, but in agreeing he is a Muslim, Obama is sending a clear signal that he is trying to find consensus.

New Facebook Layout Angers People With No Lives

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Tracy Klugian, 27, joined four hundred protesters outside Facebook headquarters demanding, in his words, "that Facebook give what passes for my life back."