Despite reminding myself that I was a smart, invincible, solutions-driven entrepreneur I could feel that failure was headed my way. Sales had dropped significantly and profits dried up. I found myself crying every day in the car on the way to work.
The reasons why I suffered a nervous breakdown are none of your business. What is the business of anyone who cares about mental health is that the most harrowing days of my life were when I recently tried to get help for a mental illness.
It's easy to sit in the constant process of connecting, responding, replying and reaching in, because in a way, it makes us feel that if we're not here, things would crumble without us. And who doesn't want to feel that their part in it all is absolutely critical and irreplaceable?
I am aware now that I need to deal with my real feelings. I have to actually feel the grief, feel the fear. I have to process it all. Which sucks, honestly. It's painful. Who wants to feel pain? But, it's the only way through it.
Our task, as humans, is to re-awaken our selves, and to do it consciously, so that we have access to the resources both within and without to support us in the journey to remain awake. For left to our own devices, human beings tend to take the easy way out.
As horrific as it was, my mental breakdown at 36 years old was actually also my breakthrough. It was an in-your-face wake-up call that forced me to realize that I was driving myself too hard, and for the wrong reasons.
I don't know when I decided to call it a nervous breakdown. Some can't even have this conversation because it would mean looking at things they're trying not to see. I know how they feel because two years ago, I was one of them.