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Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

'GIRTH BROOKS'?!

Heather Wagner | Posted 10.26.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Alexis hugs a sobbing Vicki and the rest of the cast, one by one, in their luminously tacky evening gowns, all surround her and offer their condolences. No matter how facile a friendship, no matter how shallow a bond, when a woman sees another woman broken down because of a man there is a Darwinian instinct to hug.

The Truth Behind Gretchen And Slade's Extravagent Proposal

Heather Wagner | Posted 10.19.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

A viewer question for Tamra: "What does it sound like when a Mexican stripper bounces his junk off your ear?" Tamra explains that she couldn't hear it because she was screaming so loud. We are off to a classy start.

Affairs, Threesomes And 'Aminosity'

Heather Wagner | Posted 10.12.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Tonight the girls are all seated on a creamy white couch, clad in a palette of bold citrus and ocean blue jewel tones. Vicki announces that she and Donn are still not divorced, and Tamra interjects that "they're going to get back together."

Everyone Hates Slade (Except Gretchen)

Heather Wagner | Posted 07.30.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Vicki's "Winter Wonderland" is looking a little too wintery for her refined tastes. She announces to the group at large that Brooks is "back" and that, together, they're going to conquer the mountain of skepticism painstakingly built by her friends and family.

Gretchen Wants To Propose And Brooks Is A Gold Digger!

Heather Wagner | Posted 09.21.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Gretchen declares that she's going to propose to Slade, deadbeat dad past be damned. She wants to do it in a special way. In an empowering way. In a "Housewives" way. By that, of course, she means heading to a recording studio, hiring a songwriting team, and producing an auto-tuned novelty single.

Snowballs, Screeching And A Stuck Tongue

Heather Wagner | Posted 09.14.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

At the behest of their ice-room attendant, the ladies all do a Polish toast and drink sub-zero vodka shots. Vicki passive-aggressively dares Tamra to stick her tongue on the ice wall, and Tamra complies, pulling a full-on "Christmas Story." By her screams, apparently it has stuck.

Skiing, Hot Uncles And A Threesome With A Bongo Player?!

Heather Wagner | Posted 09.07.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Lydia is getting her makeup done by an in-house makeup artist. She proudly proclaims that she's a dual citizen -- half Canadian! -- and, as such, is taking "the girls" on a ski trip to Whistler, B.C.

Wedding Dresses, 'Malibu Country' & ... Porn Star Girlfriends?

Heather Wagner | Posted 09.01.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

It's a common truism that in life, and in reality TV, major upheavals like weddings, holidays, cross-country moves, and assembling IKEA furniture can turn rational, lovable humans into diabolical, swarthy sailor versions of themselves. Let's see if this episode proves or disproves this theory, as Tamra shops for her wedding dress.

The Stupidest Things The 'Housewives' Have Said

Heather Wagner | Posted 06.25.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

It's a historic day, America. Together, we forged a society in which a humble reality show, initially titled "Behind The Gates," permeated the pop culture consciousness and made it to this milestone 100th episode.

Salsa, Strippers And Snark

Heather Wagner | Posted 08.17.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Lydia is planning a salsa party because she likes to "party and have fun" and believes that, as the self-appointed "Friend Whisperer," she can bring cast outcast Alexis to the event and unite everyone under the auspices of Latin rhythms and booze.

A Trashy Good Time In Mexico

Heather Wagner | Posted 08.03.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Tamra packs two identical hot pink suitcases, one for snow (Uggs, furry vest), one for sun (bikinis, white tank with "Bride" on it). Tamra explains to Gretchen that her preferred bachelorette party mode is "naked wasted."

'Hot In Orange County'

Heather Wagner | Posted 07.20.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

It's Heather's first day on set of "Hot in Cleveland." She interviews that family is her number one priority, but this year she's been trying to work on her creative side while "servicing my family."

The D Word And The B Word

Heather Wagner | Posted 07.13.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

This episode hinges upon a wine-tasting trip to Malibu, the wine capital of the world. It is of those laughably manufactured "get all the cast members in one place, sequester them from their daily routines, and force-feed them booze until a confrontation happens" good-time getaways.

Welcome To The Land Of The Bunnies

Heather Wagner | Posted 07.06.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

The ladies of Orange County have moved from 8 p.m. to 9 p.m. on Mondays, so we all must spring forward one hour to revel in their rarefied world of crystallized decay and disposable ennui.

'Little Rich Girl Problems'

Heather Wagner | Posted 04.30.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Hostess of the year Tamra tells Alexis that maybe she shouldn't be around the group if they make her so upset. Sage advice, Tamra, to a fellow cast member of a reality show who is essentially under contract to spend time with "the group."

It's Her Party & She'll Scream If She Wants To

Heather Wagner | Posted 04.23.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

"This is so beyond awkward and weird," Gretchen accurately assesses. As viewers of these "Real Housewives" shows, we've collectively sat through a lot of tense dinners, but this one takes the crab cake.

Meet New 'Housewife' Lydia McLaughlin (& Her Husband's Abs)

Heather Wagner | Posted 04.16.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

We finally meet rich-niche-magazine magnate Lydia McLaughlin, the heiress of a Canadian media mogul, who divulges her publication's brand identity: "Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine is supposed to represent that everybody wants a Beverly Hills lifestyle."

Cooking The Brooks

Heather Wagner | Posted 06.08.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Spring is here at last, and just as the heady scent of lilac and peony floats through the fading April twilight, so does the whiff of competing spray tans blanket the Dubrow lawn. It's fancy clambake night in the OC.

'RHOOC' Recap: Lord Of The Onion Rings

Heather Wagner | Posted 06.01.2013 | TV
Heather Wagner

Welcome, friends. Pour yourself a hearty goblet of nondescript white wine and recline on the nearest oversize chaise lounge as we dutifully recount the premiere of "The Real Housewives of Orange County."