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James M. Lynch: Naughty Or Nice List? Humbug

2009-12-08T11:08:36Z

It's that time of year again. Children are reminded that Santa has a list that divides them all up into two categories: 'naughty' or 'nice'. That's it: pretty black and white. You're either naughty or you are nice but you can't be both. This month all across America, department store Santas are starting their (kind of creepy) lap sitting sessions with, 'Have you been a good little kiddy this year?'

Nice kids get the presents they deserve and naughty kids get a lump of coal. At least there was a time when coal was useful to heat house but let's face it; it will never be as good as a shiny new sled. So, to borrow the words of another seasonal character, "Humbug" on this whole 'naughty/nice' paradigm.

Children learn the good/bad world enough. We're told that certain behaviors are good, certain ones are bad; things are 'yuck' or 'yummy'; 'mean' or 'nice'; and then popular culture reinforces it. How many of us grew up thinking cowboys/good, Indians/bad? Black hat is a villain; white hat is a 'good guy'? That last one, by the way, gets incorporated into race issues too, as in 'black/bad', 'white/good' and, as Malcolm Gladwell points out in his book 'Blink', even a large percentage of African Americans have been indoctrinated to see 'black' as intrinsically bad.

Maybe if we could admit that there's more of a 'gray' world than black/white we'd be able to feel better about ourselves.

When kids get a little older they begin to see that maybe there is a bit more to the equation. They see movies with a little more subtlety, those that might look at those old stereotypes from the other side or that 'walk a mile in their moccasins'. Do you remember the first time you saw a movie where the Native American wasn't a 'savage soulless beast' as in 'the only good Indian is a dead Indian?' For that brief moment you have a shot at being able to understand that there are two sides to every situation, that it's not always polarity. Whether we profit from that brief moment is still up for grabs.

Women have an added layer of this indoctrination. As marriage age approaches many of those 'good little kiddies' hear from their mother, friends or sister the old "Men want a saint in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom". We're still on the 'naughty and nice' theme here, too, as sex is the ultimate 'naughty' behavior, isn't it? Women who have 'urges' that go past holding hands with a man they are dating want to do the 'nasty'. Or they are 'naughty or bad girls' as in 'Girls Gone Bad'; as if 'bad' is a trip you can't return from.

Maybe if we could keep the whole benevolent old man who gives presents model and get rid of the 'naughty or nice' list, we could grow up a little healthier. Maybe if we could admit that there's more of a 'gray' world than black/white we'd be able to feel better about ourselves. Maybe if we didn't think that we were either all one thing or the other we'd be able to give ourselves a bit of a break!

Let's face it, we're all imperfect and that imperfection as the way we were designed turns out to be perfect, doesn't it? Growing up with a two sided list convinces us, at least those of my generation as far as I can see, that if we weren't completely good, we were bad. Bad at heart, bad to the bone, bad, bad, bad . . . Kind of lights up your holiday smile, doesn't it?

It's only after a lot of years and a lot of time that I've personally been able to get over thinking that I was, intrinsically, utterly, and born-to-be, 'bad'. My wife, who is, by the way, whatever she wants to be as an authentic, guilt-free human being in the kitchen or in the bedroom has no guilt about it either way. She has always wondered at the origins of my not so sub-conscious core belief that, since I've done 'bad' things in my life, I must, deep in my 'being', be bad. She must have been trained wrong (thank goodness).

So for all of us who were eager to be 'good little kiddies', to be deserving of toys under the tree, to hope that Santa didn't see us when we were mean, selfish or lazy I say "Let's buy OURSELVES a shiny new sled; we deserve it". This isn't a call for us all to cheat, lie or steal, let's just rely on the training we got, the higher standards set by our community and our personal sense of right or wrong and realize that we are all, after all, just humans and we're all, every one of us, doing the best we can, day after day and that in itself is pretty good, isn't it?

Want to continue this conversation? Leave a note here or visit the 'A Peek Inside' section at http://www.doityourselflifecoach.com/index.php/a-peek-inside.html.

And by the way, one holiday idea that is 'good': 'Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards men'.

Carole Bennett, MA: Communicating With An Alcoholic/Addict -- Part 2

2009-12-08T10:32:01Z

The Art of Communicating with the Alcoholic/Addict - Part 2
Don't Engage! -- Turning a Deaf Ear to Baiting And Punishment

To engage means to participate. Engaging with someone means that you are paying attention to them and responding -- positive or negative, calm or infuriated. The alcoholic/addict has gotten used to your engagement, usually the negative and infuriating kind. Even when you are screaming at the top of your lungs with no acknowledgment from them, you are engaging and in turn giving attention; and the alcoholic/addict would prefer negative attention to no attention at all.

The alcoholic/addict rarely listens past the first sentence, especially if it is something they do not want to hear. They will tune you out, walk away or sometimes pretend to oblige just to shut you up. They are truly masters of selective hearing.

Whether it's about substance abuse or what time to expect them for dinner, the alcoholic/addict is often in their own world, miles away from yours and whatever you're talking about.

Whether your loved one is in their addiction or new to recovery, sometimes a well meaning, simple discussion can turn futile. Too often you can't help but get sucked into a conversation that turns heated and escalates into a full-blown screaming match. When it gets to that level, no one is listening; no one can respond with any thought or good intention. NOTHING is accomplished but more resentment and anger at yourself and the alcoholic/addict.

Chances are both you and the alcoholic/addict are used to being in each other's faces. Maybe for years this has been the only way you have communicated and guess what...you're exhausted and obviously it's not working. So, if you stop arguing, crying, screaming or jumping out of your skin about their flippant, irresponsible, dishonest behavior, they may become confused or have what I call "a mental short circuit".

Not engaging with the alcoholic/addict will turn out to be very uncomfortable for them, especially if they are not used to this. You've changed course on them. You've gone against the grain of what you both have been used to.

When you calmly disengage from that pattern, the alcoholic/addict may sense a fear that they are losing you. They will come to realize that there is no satisfaction or fun in arguing with someone that doesn't argue back. By not engaging, you are in control of your own actions and re-actions.

Not engaging also means relaying what you need to say once, maybe twice, with brevity and clarity. Don't let the alcoholic/addict suck you back into a discussion that you feel you have completed. Debating the issue or questioning your motives is ways that the alcoholic/addict can keep you engaged and a participant.

Be mindful that even though you may not be verbally engaging, there are non-verbal communications that can result in a locking of horns and be just as powerful though silent. For example, rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, tapping your foot, sighing or demonstrating blatant indifference can provoke an argument. In addition, speaking to them sarcastically, whining, mimicking or using an unpleasant tone or attitude, can provoke an invitation for engagement even though you haven't raised your voice.
If you are not going to engage with the alcoholic/addict, they may turn to their plan "B": baiting and punishing. Don't allow yourself to be roped in with this new course direction.

Baiting and punishing is threatening the family or friend with loaded questions in which the alcoholic/addict wants you to respond a certain way either by meeting their demands physically or verbally.

Here are some examples that the alcoholic/addict may use to engage you in banter.

1)"I'm always letting you down."
2) "I guess I'm just a bad person."
3) "You don't care about me, or you would do this or do that."
4) "I can't do anything right."
5) "You deserve someone better."
6) "You've always liked my sister/my brother better than me."
7) "You just want to leave me."
8) "I don't know why you don't trust me."

And my favorite.....

9) "I guess this is what you want, right?"

Like a perfectly staged play, the alcoholic/addict is used to your answer being one of these or something similar. Any of these responses will open the door for verbal engagement.

1) "Of course not."
2) "Don't be silly."
3) "That's not true."
4) "O.k., what would you like me to do to show you that you are wrong?"
5) "No, I never said I wanted this or that".

The objective now is to re-direct our response with the following or something similar. Don't respond with a question, (i.e. "Why do you feel that way?") for that is an open invitation for engagement and possible conflict. Instead...

1)"I'm sorry you feel that way."
2) "I never said that."
3) "You must have misheard me."
4) "Please don't put words in my mouth."

If you don't take the bait, the alcoholic/addict has nowhere to go.

We all have buttons that if get pushed we react with a sometimes less than favorable or mature response. If the alcoholic/addict is an intimate part of your life, they will know what sets you off and what an especially sensitive issue is for you.

If you once confessed to the alcoholic/addict that you felt that you were not a particularly good mother, don't allow them to have a field day during an argument by bringing up your inability in being a good mother and therefore unable to be a good mate to him or good friend to others. This is a good example of baiting; first in defending yourself and while doing so, engaging in a heated discussion; pointless and fruitless.

Be careful of the hook. Be mindful of when it's coming and prepare a plan to swim away successfully and unscathed.

If I can be of service to you or your family, please e-mail me at Carole@familyrecoverysolution.com or go to http://familyrecoverysolutions.com/free_one_hour_session.html

Suzie Heumann: Studying Love Instead Of War -- What If?

2009-12-08T10:08:10Z

President Obama has just officially ordered another 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. We are now fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan and have troops stationed in 147 other countries around the world. The US actually has 1.6 million troops and a little fewer than 300,000 now in the Middle East. Protectionism, resource grabbing, retaliation, fear; the list is endless for the 'reasons' we do War. The question is, though, why? During our evolution, how did we humans turn in the direction of hate and War instead of care and Love?

The negative emotions like fear, anger, jealousy, envy, pride - all of the seven deadly sins when you think about it - how come these run us instead of compassion, love, understanding, knowledge and care? How did we get to be a human population of fighters and not lovers? What are we doing? And better yet, what are we doing about it?

Do you remember the old folk ballad Down By the River Side - The one that has the line "I ain't gonna study war no more"? What if everyone studied Love instead? What would life be like if we humans had made a turn, somewhere deep in the past, that lead us down a path of love instead of fear and hate? Would we have been much more careful about population explosion, hunger, abuse, control issues and infanticide? Would we have cared for those we did have and cherished and cared for the earth in better ways? Would there be no 'us and them' in this scenario?

In today's society adversity seems to rule. Stress, anger, judgment, opposition, defensiveness, alienation, and loneliness are pervasive in our lives. The de-stabilization that is caused by an up-tight and frightened society is killing us. The statistics are everywhere - crime, suicide, health, addiction - research shows that since 9/11 the average person in the US has had much less frequency of sexual contact. Another new study shows that murder rates go higher as mistrust in government gets stronger.

I read an article recently about a group of chimpanzees that had never encountered man. They were found in 2003 in a deep jungle area of the Congo. This is a phenomenal thing in today's modern world. But more importantly, the researchers were amazed to find that the animals came forward, unafraid, and sat with them for hours on end. The humans studied these animals for months and came to discover that in this chimp society there was virtually no fighting, no infanticide, extensive sharing, no fear and obvious deep caring among members of the whole tribe. This is unlike any chimpanzee group researchers have studied in the past and opens the possibility that apes, and indeed possibly humans, once lived in a much more natural and paradise-like way. It seems so far out of our experiences to even consider that we might once have lived closer and much more lovingly than we do today.

We live in a very altered, false, manufactured society in which we increasingly feel marginalized, compartmentalized, and negated. Yet there are many places in life to find hope. And there are many ways in which we might all make a huge difference in the quality of our own lives, the lives of those we love, and even the lives of all of humanity. Adversity may force us to eventually care more profoundly for fellow humans but let's hope that there might be more immediate reasons for change now.

More questions, always more questions. How would you answer some of these?

What if everyone studied Love not War?
Even a little. Can you imagine what life would be like? It's mind-boggling.

What if we reacted with vulnerability rather than defensiveness?
It feels so good to fess-up when I'm wrong. I can cultivate those good feelings and this will help me drop defensiveness more often.

What if we easily and freely hugged more?
I become more innocent when I hug, like a child who still has undying faith in everything. Hugging can be an art form.

What if we focused our lives on 'giving' but each of us could lovingly 'receive' also?
I often feel as though it is easier to give than to receive but when a true breakthrough happens to me emotionally it is always when I am forced to receive. One goes with the other so learn and use the one that you have the most difficult time with.

What if we all studied intimacy techniques as though our lives depended on it?
What we would see is mothers nursing their babies much more and businesses actually making spaces for moms and children. We would value all generations. We would all listen and communicate more effectively. There would be a lot more Love.

What if we treated lovemaking as an art form that we expanded throughout our lives?
Awe, for us all to be masters and mistresses at this! Kama Sutra throughout the ages!

What if intimate conversations healed something in each of us every time we had them? What if everyone practiced deep compassion so much so that we all became naturals at it? What if we all told the truth, all the time? What if we stopped studying War and started studying Love? What would our world be like then? Shall we learn and practice together?

Suzie Heumann is the founder of Tantra.com. She studies, writes, has authored three books and makes films about conscious sex, Tantra and the Kama Sutra. Check out Tantra.com Premium for the most comprehensive tantra training available on the Internet!

Keith Ferrazzi: Five Steps to a Holiday Dinner that Will Put You on the Map

2009-12-08T07:53:52Z

Throwing a holiday party can transform your experience of the season. It's hard to be a Scrooge while creating an evening to remember - and then enjoying it with happy, heart-warmed guests.

Nervous about your hosting skills? Relief is here: Check out our new FREE Holiday Party Guide. Advice, tactical cues, cost-cutters, as well as instant motivation to create events that truly capture the incredible relationship-building opportunity of the season. With a little planning, you can invite casual acquaintances into your home and have them leave poised to become trusting friends and allies in 2010.

To get warmed up, here's five of the Nine Steps to a Holiday Dinner that Will Put You on the Map - you'll find the rest in the free guide.

1. Create a theme.
There's no reason that even a small holiday dinner party shouldn't have a theme. One simple idea can help you pull the food and atmosphere together. You can build a party around anything, really. It could be your mother's meatloaf recipe, black tie (used rarely, as we want people to be totally comfortable), vegan food, specific music--whatever you like. People will get jazzed when they know you're being creative.

Yes, "holiday party" can be a theme of its own, and often is. But why not get more specific so that your event and invite are the most unique and intriguing of the season?

2. Make the list manageable.
For a dinner party, shoot for 6-10 guests - which means inviting more like 8-12 because generally a good third have scheduling conflicts...

To see the rest of this post, visit Keith's blog and for all nine steps, download the FREE GUIDE.

Tell me about your experience with holiday parties. I'm especially interested in hearing about trouble spots: help someone else avoid the same problem!

Dr. Alex Benzer: Why Do the Smartest Women Have the Toughest Time Dating?

2009-12-07T16:20:55Z

I confess: I love smart women. I love it when she can write a sonnet, use Euler's formula, code Perl, play a concerto, speak half a dozen languages, run a company, quote Chaucer, diagnose diabetes, compose a quartet and converse brilliantly. Especially in a big city like Los Angeles or New York, looks alone do not suffice. I need, nay, require the intellectual engagement, and legions of smart, educated men feel similarly.

So it pains me to no end to see my smart, educated, lovely female friends remain single, alone and lonely in spite of their best efforts. These are amazing women! Surely there is something wrong with the world if they remain single for so long. That's what compelled me to write The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible.

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for romantic fulfillment.

Because, as fabulous as these ladies are, all of their failed relationships have one thing in common: themselves. And frankly, telling them that men are losers or even proving it conclusively doesn't improve anyone's plight. Useful advice is about something you can change.

Now I've been running and attending young alumni events for Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford, MIT, Columbia, Duke, Swarthmore, Penn, Cornell, Berkeley, Brown, Dartmouth, Oxford, Cambridge and similar well-regarded institutions for a while.

I've also been privy to the dating woes of hundreds of men who wrote me subsequent to their reading The Tao of Dating for Men.

From these emerges this brand-new list which builds and elaborates on the earlier article, Why the Smartest People Have the Toughest Time Dating. Here we go:

1. Some smart women put themselves in a no-win bind when it comes to finding an intellectual match.

A smart woman wants to date a smart man, since men less intelligent than her frankly bore her to tears. She wants to be able to hold a stimulating conversation with her partner and to know that he's at least equal to her (if not better) in this department.

However, once a relationship with Mr Smartypants is under foot, often she unconsciously starts to compare and compete with him. She feels intimidated by his intelligence: "Is he smarter/more educated/more successful than me?" Now she's feeling silly when she doesn't know something, or tries to one-up him and have the upper hand. The guy doesn't quite know what's happening, except that the very trait that made him attractive in the first place is now causing tension.

So stop competing, Ms Smartypants -- love is not a contest. In the immortal words of Boy George, "You're my lover, not my rival." Instead, celebrate one another for the qualities you each have to offer. Speaking of Ms Smartypants...

2. Smart women bring their inner CEO to the date.

Let's say you're a CEO (or doctor, or lawyer, or some other authority figure). Your job involves managing people and telling them what to do. Occasionally, you have to cut them short and redirect their focus to what's important, or argue to make your point in a pivotal meeting. All in a day's work.

Here's the key point to remember: when you're on a date with a guy, you're no longer at work. So if you unconsciously keep on doing those things that make you so effective at the office, you may end up alienating him - especially if he's also a CEO. Strictly speaking, this does not set a man's heart aflame (though it may give him heartburn).

In her insightful book on why men don't call women back after a date, Rachel Greenwald lists this 'Boss Lady Syndrome' as the #1 reason men run, based on a survey of thousands of men.

Remember that guys admire and respect a woman who can take charge and kick ass. Guys respect and absolutely adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass but doesn't feel the need to prove it around him. According to Marianne Williamson's insight in A Woman's Worth, "In intimate relations with men, I want to major in feminine and minor in masculine."

3. Smart women don't make love a top priority.

If love and meaningful companionship aren't more important to you than a project, paper, or pet, then you can skip this part entirely.

But if love really matters to you and you don't aspire to a monastic life, put in as much time and energy into dating and romance as you do into other things you excel at.

Dating is not an afterthought for when you've taken care of everything else. As far as anyone can tell, deep, meaningful relationships are the most important part of life.

So let's not leave it to chance, shall we? If you like a guy, make him feel it. Give him at least as much time and energy as your spreadsheet, term paper, chihuahua or Facebook page. A smart guy knows exactly where he is on your priority list, and if it's too low, he will move on.

4. Smart women mistake a person for real fulfillment.

Smart women can sometimes get really excited over a guy's resume, especially when he's gone to the right schools and held the right jobs. Then they get stuck in a miserable marriage and wonder what went wrong when everything seemed so perfect.

There's minimal correlation between a guy's resume and how good he can make you feel. Fulfillment is not a person; it's a feeling. If his company isn't fulfilling, you're probably with the wrong guy.

5. Smart women overthink it.

All women are master overthinkers; smart women just have extra brainpower to burn on it. So they're experts at twisting themselves into knots of doubt, indecision and self-sabotage. "Does he like me? What does he really think about me? What does he think I think about him? And what do I think he thinks I think about him?"

Stop. Simplify. Did you enjoy his company? Then see him again and see what happens. Otherwise, don't.

6. Smart women underplay their feminine charms.

Newsflash from the cosmos: masculine things gravitate towards feminine things. So if you want more masculine things (e.g. guys) in your life, then cultivate your feminine energy. Men are suckers for your sensuality, the swing of your hips, the nape of your neck, the curve of your lips. They absolutely love it when you take pleasure in the physical world through touch, food and sex.

Men also love it when you're open to needing and receiving their help. They like to feel useful and wanted, even though they know full well that you can open doors and run companies on your own. Receptivity is a quintessential feminine quality, so if you want more good men in your life, be receptive to their offerings.

7. Smart women are waiting for love to show up versus showing up as love.

My friends often ask me at parties to summarize all 280 pages of The Tao of Dating for Women in a sentence.

I do their ADD-addled brains one better by boiling it down to just three words: Be the light.

If you're embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.

So lead with love. You always possess the power to elevate others, so why wait? Dare to use it now. You'll never say 'all the good ones are taken' again.

Visit the blog for smart daters
Check out The Tao of Dating for Women book and How to Be Irresistible coaching program
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Write to me at dralex(at)taoofdating.com

Lisa Daily: The Tiger Woods Affair: Why Nice Guys Cheat

2009-12-07T16:01:44Z

By now you've probably heard the sordid details of Tiger Woods' alleged affairs with cocktail waitress Jamiee Grubbs, New York City nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel, and Las Vegas party planner Kalika Moquin.

The scandal comes as a bit of a surprise to his many fans, especially considering his squeaky-clean image.

Here are the details so far, in case you missed anything:

On November 27, Tiger crashed his Cadillac Escalade outside his Florida home. There have been a number of reports that Tiger and his wife Elin were arguing over a text message. There has also been some speculation as to whether Elin bashed out Tiger's car window with a golf club to "rescue" him from his car as has been claimed, or was, er, bashing his window with a golf club for some other reason.

Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik introduced Tiger Woods to his wife Elin Nordegren in 2001, while she was working for Parnevik's family as an au pair, "We probably thought he was a better guy than he is. I probably would have to apologize to her and hope she uses a driver next time rather than a three-iron, I would say."

Why do (seemingly) nice guys cheat?

Cheaters usually fall into two categories: Those who are always looking for opportunities to cheat (serial cheaters) and those who find themselves with an opportunity to cheat and make a bad decision (unintended cheaters.)

Serial cheaters usually use sex as a sort of emotional band-aid to make themselves feel better about insecurities, growing older, depression, and for thrill-seeking, among other things. Serial cheaters seek out opportunities for sex - think ESPN's Steve Phillips.

Unintended cheaters generally make a bad decision when presented with an opportunity to cheat, but don't seek out the opportunity. This is the kind of person who sleeps with a coworker after an out of town conference following a rough month, or a difficult life change.

And once that horse is out of the starting gate, all bets are off.

So what does that make Tiger?

At this point, it's hard to tell. On the "Unintentional Cheater" side of the argument, Tiger had a lot of things on his plate back in early 2007 when Grubbs claims they began their affair:

First, he'd lived for a couple of decades under the intense pressure of perfection. Despite the fact that he has been in the media spotlight for a very long time, he's never really had a screw-up. And he is, after all, a human being. None of us can sustain perfection indefinitely.

Second, Tiger's father, by many accounts his north star, died in 2006 after a bout with cancer.

Finally, Tiger's wife Elin was very pregnant with their first child Sam when the alleged affair began. Sleazy? Yes. But is it unheard of for a guy to freak out when his wife gets pregnant, whether at the prospect of a permanent relationship, or terror of the responsibility of becoming a father? Nope. In fact, it happens with astounding frequency.

On the "Serial Cheater" side of the argument, if in fact Woods did have relationships with the three women, Jamiee Grubbs, New York city nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel, and Las Vegas party planner Kalika Moquin, or more -- it wouldn't be a shock to learn there are even more women who have not yet come forward.

Once might be an accident. Three times is usually a habit.

A voicemail obtained by US MAGAZINE has been circulating the Internet:

"Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye."

Can a couple move forward after one of them has an affair?

Only time will tell. The details of these alleged relationships are still coming to light, and it's pretty obvious that Tiger and Elin will have a lot of challenges in putting their relationship back together if that's what they choose to do. There are a couple of good signs early on -- first, Tiger chose to protect his wife, instead of himself, when rumors were swirling around about the golf club/Escalade fiasco. Second, Yahoo Sports reports that the couple is now seeing a therapist several times a day and that Elin not only received an immediate $5 million dollar payout, she also gained somewhere in the neighborhood of $55 million dollars in a pre-nup revision. In exchange, she has to stick around for a couple more years and keep mum about her story.

Why stick around?

Maybe, just maybe, Elin wants to keep her family together. And maybe, just maybe, Tiger has had a wake-up call, and realizes all he's been risking.

And if nothing else, $55 million and two young children is a pretty good incentive to give couples therapy a try.

For many people, cheating is a deal breaker. And the truth is, if they have any chance of getting through this, Tiger is going to have to own up to what he's done with his wife and take responsibility for all of her hurt and anger around it.

And judging from his history, he might want to steer clear of nightclubs.

Dating coach Lisa Daily writes a dating, love and relationships advice blog. Need advice? Check it out!

Bob Lingvall: There Is A Beauty With You #13: End Of 2009 Review And Best Wishes

2009-12-07T15:41:14Z

Reflection: The end of the year is always a good time to review and reflect. What have we been doing in our blog?

Simply put we have worked to lessen our identification with our body, mind, and personality as our true self. And at the same time we tried to establish our identity in the present moment as awareness. Here we are able to say simply, "I am."

Why do this? Why go to all of this trouble? Because it is here as "I am" that we have the best chance of experiencing the realization of our self as eternal bliss. Here we are at the doorway of knowing our self to be pure awareness in a universe of infinite compassion and personal love. We do this work as a way of preparing to know our self beyond our mortal frame and limited consciousness.

Next year we will continue the process - reducing the attachment to mind, body and personality, increasing the experience of our self as awareness in the present moment, as "I am." We will be adding both active and silent meditations to our blog, while continuing with many of the tools we used this past year: intentions, reflections, "I am" meditations, inquiries, and compassionate service activities.

And finally here is my wish for each of you and your loved ones - may each moment of this holiday season be filled with the love, joy, and infinite compassion you already are.

See you online in 2010. Happy Holidays!
Bob

Susan Harrow: Small Women Big Men: Aikido As A Means For Reflection

2009-12-07T15:35:53Z

Every night when I head out of the house to practice Aikido my sweetie Will calls out, "Don't get hurt and don't hurt anybody." Other than being a klutz I'm not much of a danger to anyone, but some people are a danger to me.

One particular Nage (the thrower or attacker) is rough and strong. A number of weeks ago he cracked every bone in my hand doing Nikyo "A technique which works through the wrist to lock the body". It was loud. He was concerned to be sure, but couldn't seem to adjust the level of roughness.

The instructor, a black belt student, admonished him to be more gentle. My hand ached for weeks. It still does. This Nage is super compact and dense, like a sack of cement. My feet have taken the brunt of his weight a number of times and they are black and blue. He always manages to step on my feet and, as a beginner, I'm not yet fast enough yet to get out of the way.

Typically, I'm my own worst enemy, taking falls on my shoulder, doing ukemi (a forward or backward roll or flip similar to tumbling) incorrectly and tweaking out my neck, but lately I've been surpassed by him, my new worst enemy. Of course my first instinct is to resist when he pulls me too hard, but I know intellectually that I can be hurt more easily, but my body tries to protect me. Part of the philosophy of Aikido is to blend, to become one with your attacker so you move together in harmony. Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of Aikido says, "As soon as you concern yourself with the 'good' and 'bad' of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weaken and defeat you."

Rather than think critical thoughts I have taken action by saying to him, "Easy, Easy" as he begins to move in. Sensei says, "Go slower." And "There's no rush." But he's so concentrated on himself that he forgets he has an uke (the one who receives the attack): me.

So I called Mark Mooney, of the Strozzi Institute, a Nidan (2nd level black belt), who offered to talk anytime about my aikido challenges. The first thing he told me to do was to protect myself by making a request before we started. "Please be gentle with me." And to continue to remind him throughout our practice to go easy. He also asked me, "Susan, why are you not taking care of yourself?" Problems are never outside yourself, with the Nage, I know this and I wasn't in blame. I just want to know how to continue. I like this Nage, I just don't trust him. I could ask myself where don't I trust myself and one answer would be to really watch out for myself and do what it takes to be safe. I am working on this. Here it is in my face now an opportunity to put my self-care into action.

The other thing Mark advised was to be a step ahead of my Nage, to anticipate his next move and never let him compromise me. I don't think I have this ability yet, but I am going to do my best to do this, stay close and connected, and to be vigilant in every moment. To be "awake" and look for this opportunity to practice.

But it goes deeper than that. I want to be able to embody the advice of Morihei Ueshiba. "If your heart is large enough to envelop your adversaries, you can see right through them and avoid their attacks. And once you envelop them, you will be able to guide them along the path indicated to you by heaven and earth." At the core taking care of myself is really about the development of heart. A heart that beats both alone in my body, and in rhythm with all beings.

Susan Harrow is the author of Sell Yourself Without Selling Your Soul. She runs a Media Consultancy where she helps everyone from Fortune 500 CEOs to celebrity chefs, entrepreneurs to authors grow their business through media coaching and the power of PR. For more information please contact Susan.

Alice Crisci: Surviving Breast Cancer, Heartbreak, And Depression

2009-12-07T14:13:34Z

It's another sleepless night. Insomnia tortures me. I can't tell if I'm afraid of what awaits me in my unconscious mind or afraid of waking to find that the new day has brought no relief to the dark depression I am suffocating from.

It's 6:05 am Saturday morning. I haven't slept one minute. I read an entire book, "The Lost Boys of Sudan." I was captivated and distracted from my own suffering, seemingly petty in comparison to 5-year-old boys walking hundreds of miles through war, starving, thirsty and absent of the nurturing love of their mothers. I kept thinking I should be able to snap out of this depression, chemical in nature, from the life-saving cancer drugs I am on. Some life they are saving I mostly think now. I don't recognize this person I am becoming.

In my BC life (before cancer), I would've already enjoyed two quiet, dark hours to myself... writing and thinking before the rest of the world stirred. Some days I would start the day with writing a thank you note. Other days, a phone call with London -- sounds of shocked colleagues wondering why I was so perky so early and they, 6 hours ahead of me, were still waking up with their second or third cappuccino.

I would hear my neighbor Grace, LAPD, leave for work 5 minutes after she woke up while it was still pitch black outside. She said it brought her comfort to see me working away when she crept to the station, half-asleep. I would wave to my neighbor Ashton as he returned from his morning surf session or headed out to work. I would hear the coffee start to drip set to automatic so I wouldn't have to wake Doug, my live-in boyfriend, before the coffee was ready. I'd tiptoe in to find two dogs and two cats slumbering away with him.

Most days, I'd bring his coffee, strong and black, to lure him out of bed. He shuffled in his slippers, a Christmas gift from my Shih Tzu Zaney, who promptly ate the insoles Christmas night. With his bathrobe thrown around his shoulders, he'd sit down on the couch, pull one of the square coffee tables towards him and start his morning pages, a daily journaling routine. He didn't miss a single day of those morning pages, mostly filled with jibberish but a practice meant to clear his mind for the day. I admired his discipline so much, but probably never told him that.

Every morning, he'd ask "Baby, can you sit down and have a cup of coffee with me?"

He valued any time we could be together. He had this way of saying "togeeether" that always made me chuckle.

I was already up for at least three hours and as Doug described it, I was buzzing around with all the "doing" of the day. I'd sit with him long enough for us do a morning devotional together. Doug led us in prayer morning, noon and night. In some ways, it was the most intimate, loving time in our relationship.

As soon as we were done praying, eating or watching a tv program, I'd be off like a bullet to tackle my to-do list. He had the funniest way of describing how fast I worked and how many things I accomplished in a day. He'd shuffle his feet all around as fast as he could while saying, "doot, doot, doot, doot doot, doot, doot, doot," using high-pitched sounds to indicate varying speeds of my productivity. Maybe you had to be there. It still makes me laugh, but also let me know he appreciated that maniacal drive in me. It feels so good to know someone gets you and loves you anyway.

He always stayed up later than me. 4 am - 7 am was my alone time and his was 9 - midnight. We both worked from home but despite spending all our time together I can honestly say we never grew tired of each other. He was so easy to be around. If American Idol came on, he'd say, "Honey, it's the show that brought us together." He'd say the same thing on Sunday nights when Desperate Housewives came on and I couldn't even stay up late enough to watch it, so I'm still not sure how it brought us together!

Doug was funny like that -- he just said the same things over and over. Some days I would be annoyed and think, "Can't he think of some new material?" These days, I miss the routine. The familiarity. The predictability.

Doug doesn't live here anymore. In fact, Doug and I don't speak anymore. Perhaps the weight of my breast cancer diagnosis proved too much for us. Perhaps we both knew if we tried to be friends, we would never move on. And for reasons far too complicated for a brief column, we had to move on from each other.

As I struggle to reinvent my life in the wake of breast cancer, financial ruin and clinical depression, I realize that what I need most is predictability, routine, familiarity. Old Jokes. Same Punchlines. Structure. Healthy Habits. Daily Devotionals. Prayer Time. I need someone to talk to in the morning even to just say, "Good morning, how are you?"

I didn't know how hard it would be to do all these simple things without him. We built this life together and maintained it through my acute cancer treatment. I eventually felt trapped in the in between of our relationship where we were more than best friends but less than lovers despite our authentic love for one another. We spent more time breaking up than being together because I always held our relationship up against my own expectation of what romantic love was supposed to look like and naturally, we always came up short. That's a personality flaw in me -- I'm always seeking to make things better even when they're just fine the way they are.

I find myself longing for the simple life Doug and I built together, even as I grieve a new relationship that combusted before it had a chance to even take off. What I had in Doug was a partner, someone to face every day with. Someone to support me, pray with me, teach me, learn from me, cook for and with me, watch the dogs while I was travelling for work, make me laugh, go to church with, console me when I was tired and hurt, pick me up from the airport with open arms and a long hug, someone who would have no money to his name but still manage to surprise me with pajamas or flowers or other small tokens of his love for me, someone to validate every one of my ideas with, "Baby's got a vision," in his Southern accent.

We didn't have a loving goodbye. In fact the last time I saw Doug, he was shouting at me to get out of his house. That was months after I shouted at him to get out of my house using choice words that I knew he wouldn't quickly forgive me for.

It's been over a year now since Doug moved out. I was too busy during that time surviving my own circumstances to grieve the relationship. We loved each other as much as we possibly could but we also hurt each other, hurts that ran deep and only surfaced while I navigated falling in love with someone new. That someone new helped me heal in so many ways, but is not ready to pursue a committed relationship with me.

And so I grieve the past I had with one man and the future I could've had with another. All that is left is hope for today. And deep in the recesses of my broken soul, that is quite familiar.

7 Unitasking Tips: You Can Have It All

2009-12-07T13:35:39Z

We are hungrier and devouring more all the time. We have grown overweight and our children are following in our bigger shadows. We even multi-task our fun, every minute accounted for.

Stephanie Gertler: Hearts And Souls: A Family Deals With Grief

2009-12-07T12:47:16Z

Oscar Wilde said "The truth is rarely pure and never simple." A sound theory that prevails as we are suspended in the moment, the past, and in what we believe to be our destinies.

On Saturday morning October 31 as my husband and I drove upstate for an overnight respite, my cell phone rang and my daughter's voice sang through the wires, "Hi Mommy" -- as though the words had far more than three syllables. Not that hearing her voice isn't always a melody for me, but there was a far more pronounced "lilt" in her greeting. And because I am often a good witch when it comes to those I love, I knew.

"We're engaged," she said, then recounting the details of the proposal: How Larry took her to Skinner Mountain where they had spent one of their earliest dates, secretly lugging champagne, orange juice, and glasses for mimosas in a knapsack (along with a ring). How they trudged up to the peak, and she was taken by surprise when he proposed despite their three years of cohabitation. And as always, I bit my lip and blinked away the tears of joy that wanted to trickle down my cheeks as she told her tale. I am reluctant to cry in any kind of "public," not wanting to appear vulnerable. I do my crying alone regardless of the reasons for my tears. And if there are people around, I seek a quiet place like a wounded animal.

That same afternoon, I received a call that my favorite uncle with whom I spoke at least three times a week and who is (was) in a small circle titled "a love in my life" went into hospice care, and was placed in a drug-induced coma where he could die peacefully and painlessly. I hadn't heard from him in two weeks, just messages from his wife who had said that things "are not good." His lack of calls had already flagged his demise for me. He never called me when his spirits or physical state were poor. I suppose I knew the truth that was to come, but I refused to believe.

And so, on Halloween when there are tricks and treats, worlds collided. The weekend spent in a conscious effort to compartmentalize. Emotions swinging wildly on a pendulum with such ferocity and velocity that it was hard to find a middle, and I didn't want one anyway. And then I realized, the truth was (and is) as Wilde said - indeed not simple: There was no resting place for the pendulum. I needed to deal and embrace both emotions at once: guiltlessly celebrating my daughter, painfully mourning my uncle (and yet the latter, until the moment he died, was not without hope and a childish belief in miracles).

Though I challenged Oscar Wilde because my truths that weekend were pure.

I cried from beginning to end at my uncle's funeral, and strangely required no place to hide in a room filled with hundreds of mourners - perhaps because I was as alone as every person there as they celebrated the life of this amazing and exquisite man.

But when I played Jesse Owens' "Will You Dance With Me for the Rest of Your Life?" as a suggested wedding song for Larry and Ellie the weekend after my uncle's funeral, I had to leave the room as tears came to my eyes when the music played.

On the heels of all this emotion, a brief vacation with friends in Miami where new friends were made and old friends embraced, there was a recapturing of life as I wanted to know it: laughter, sunshine, nothing "heavy." Each morning I took my coffee, sat on the terrace before sunrise, and called my voicemail, having saved the last message from my uncle not three weeks before. I listened to his voice, saving it for the 21 days guaranteed after each "press 9 to save this message." And then I called my daughter who was already planning the wedding. Both cleansed my soul as I started the day.

It wasn't but a day after our return to Manhattan that my sister, my brother and I met at our widowed 90-year-old father's apartment. We move him to a new apartment at the beginning of December, and so that Tuesday became the dreaded day we think about as parents grow older. Truly a day of reckoning as we decided what to keep and share, what to send along with him, what to donate to "good causes." We walked room by room, my brother carrying a notepad; floods of memories taunting me and daring me to laugh and cry. We tagged items in each room with colored adhesive dots I'd bought that morning at the stationer: green to "go with Dad," yellow to storage, white to donate, pink to go with one of the "children." All in code and placed strategically to go unnoticed so our father wouldn't feel displaced.

It was the dust and grime as I opened cabinets shut since my mother became ill that nearly screamed to me of my mother's last five years. She never would have tolerated such disarray and abject filth (despite the housekeeper who goes in weekly). My hands and nail beds were coated with a dark grainy soot At the end of the day, we three "children" went downtown to the vault where my sister and I had placed our mother's jewelry merely two days after she was buried. At the time, I argued with my sister that it was "too soon," that it was nearly sacrilege. My sister predicted what I felt was impossible at the time. "Women prey on older widowers like Dad," she said. And given that there is a woman like that already in our father's life, having the jewels in a vault is clearly more than wise.

A woman escorted us three to the vault five floors below ground level, heavy steel and glass redolent of one of the Diehard movies, and then to a room much like one for conferences. We placed the jewelry on the table - yes, making sure it was "still there," but for me, perhaps for all of us, recalling when she'd worn this and that. My brother pointed to a brooch and said that for him and his boys, it was her "signature" piece. It wasn't until later that I recalled her wearing it on the flowing cotton dresses she wore in summer. Honestly, for me, it was that the array of her minimalist collection was once on her flesh in days that were better simply because she was here.

Perhaps it was when the woman placed her hand on my shoulder as she shuttled us out through the heavy glass doors, after we'd put everything back in the vault, that put me over the edge.

"What a sweet family you are," she said.

A poignant statement because, if the truth is rarely pure and never simple, we have not been a sweet family, but we were in those few hours. I have always wanted us three to be a sweet family, and am determined to be if for no other reason but an homage to my mother and just because. If the simple and yes, pure, truth is known, we have all too often been fraught with dysfunction and mistrust. Historically, it was my brother with whom I grew up - the age difference enough between my sister and myself and subsequently the "two of us" (my brother and myself) to create two discrete and disparate families. And now, as the years close in our middle age, we are connected by this one woman whose personal items lie five floors beneath ground level as she lies six feet under. It is not the jewels, dishes, and furnishings that are her legacy.

And so, it was then as we three rode the cavernous elevator up to the main floor when I finally broke down - years of stoicism coming undone. Vulnerability unguarded. The day happened to have been seven months to that day that my mother had died, 15 days that my uncle had died, 17 days that my daughter had gotten engaged, and only six hours that my brother, sister and I had been alone in the apartment for the first time that I recall since we were in grade school. That apartment where we all tried to grow up, where our memories are all so different, where our experiences and histories are what make us, to a large extent, who we are now - and yet like the dots on the "items," we are all painted with different hues despite the same woman's hand that clearly touched us each so differently.

As I wept, my brother's face grew pale with what I perceived as disbelief, and my sister took a step backward. My sister (of late) knows my idiosyncracy of not wanting to be touched or comforted when I am upset. When was the last time, if ever, my brother had seen me that way? His helplessness was palpable as he whispered, "Are you OK?" My surprise when I wailed, "No, I'm not" was the aggregate of the last five years that finally brought me to my knees. It was inarguable even for Oscar Wilde: a pure and simple truth.

In the last five yet fleeting years there has been my marital separation and reconciliation, my mother's illness, my mother's grueling demise and death, my uncle's all too sudden death, my father's impairment and the ease with which he has already turned to another woman after 65 years of marriage to my mother. And now, the sweetness of my daughter's impending wedding day, and my prayers that as she follows life on a new path, there won't be too many stones in the road . My hopes that when the stones appear, she has the strength to kick them away with fierceness and passion. I want my daughter to know even in the moment when she walks down the aisle that love is beautiful, and life is glorious. One truth, as we all know, is that it's not always easy.

Kathy Eldon: Women's Fertility: How To (Not) Make Babies (VIDEO)

2009-12-07T12:28:09Z

In 1983, Dr. Sami David was the first doctor to perform an in vitro fertilization procedure in the state of New York. After 60 failed attempts, he finally completed a successful treatment at Mt. Sinai Hospital, however the procedure would subsequently be his last.

Costing thousands of dollars, IVF has quickly become an expensive alternative for women with fertility issues. Making waves in the fertility world, Dr Sami David is speaking out and encouraging people to get back to basics and explore traditional options. David is persuading women to identify and treat underlying causes of infertility instead of masking them.

On a recent trip to New York City, I met up with friend and author Dr. Sami David to learn more about his new book, "Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility". Co-authored with acupuncturist Jill Blakeway, the book offers traditional alternatives to in vitro fertilization, including acupuncture, dietary changes, lifestyle changes and relaxation techniques.

Sami David Interview - NYC from Jessica Lapham on Vimeo.

To learn more about Dr. Sami David, visit: http://samidavid.com/.

Cheryl Saban: Raising Moderate Voices

2009-12-07T11:30:34Z

I was out of the country recently, and as is my habit in the mornings, even when I'm traveling, I cuddle up with a morning coffee, my Kindle, iPhone, Blackberry, and scour whatever news sources I can get my hands on - especially the International papers. And so it happens that I latched onto the Saturday-Sunday, December 5-6th Global Edition of the New York Times and International Herald Tribune. Three coffees later, I had read the disturbing analysis of why the kidnapping business is booming, a discourse about America's proposed timeline for the Afghanistan conflict and how it interacts with the Taliban's, with Pakistan, and for that matter, the rest of the world. I made note of the reasons why Chinese students weren't allowed to ask how President Obama gets along with Hillary Clinton at his town-hall stop in Shanghai, and was interested in a piece written by Judith Warner, entitled "Feminism at middle age." I study and write about women's issues, so this particular piece was right up my alley.

With that said, the state of affairs of women's health and welfare is not what compelled me to open my laptop this time. When I arrived at the Commentary Letters section, I landed on a piece entitled, "The price of being born Muslim," by Tariq Ahmad. I read it twice, and was fully engaged, though not entirely encouraged. His piece reminded me of some of our most glaring societal failings.

While the subject of how moderate, secular Muslims could potentially impact policy change is not new, Mr Ahmad's brief but informative letter made me ponder how enmeshed cultural mores and religion -- in all its forms, impacts us all, whether we're religious or not.

Mr. Ahmad writes about his own upbringing, a mostly secular Muslim perspective, and his membership in the relatively quiet Muslim majority, which he feels has no voice, no representation, no 'portfolio.' Clearly, it would be wise for all of us to remember that the fanatics of the world are not fully in charge, despite their many bloody messages to the contrary. Yet, those who live outside of moderation, those who have unyielding viewpoints, and rigid, blindly intolerant religious beliefs have the loudest voices, make the biggest messes, and hurt the most people. What's a moderate to do? Mustn't moderates of all beliefs and religious perspectives speak out? Mustn't those of us who abhor this escalating violence say something? Do something? But what can change unchangeable minds? How can society temper antiquated, misguided religious fervor?

This short letter in the Commentary section of the paper persuaded me to ponder all of these questions at a time which seems ironically appropriate. We are now fully into the holidays, when Christmas and Hanukah brush shoulders, and the concept of Peace is on everyone's lips, or at the very least on everyone's holiday card messages.

Mr. Ahmad's short letter reminded me, poignantly, that the majority of people are more alike than we are different, and most of us are happy to share the planet peacefully. The fanatics of this world who would use their beliefs to harm others to enforce their narrow vision of faith, have not only, in my estimation, garbled and misused scriptures and ancient text, they've also missed the boat to enlightenment, which in my mind, is the goal of true religious belief.

Mr. Ahmad, with all due respect, it is not just the growing majority of moderate Muslims that must to learn to raise their voices; moderates of every faith and persuasion need to show up for this important sound check. If we can strive to get beyond race, religion and creed to communicate as humans before our personal brands take over, our moderate voices might actually be loud enough to be heard, and heeded.

I was raised a Protestant Christian, and over time I've learned to appreciate all faiths that inspire kindness, compassion, love, and that peacefully seek personal enlightenment. I am married to an Israeli, have raised my two youngest children in the Jewish faith, and I believe God is watching, and listening.

BJ Gallagher: How To Stay Sane Through The Holidays

2009-12-07T10:45:55Z

Thanksgiving has come and gone -- let the holiday madness begin! If you're one of those people who are filled with dread right about now, you're not alone. December is supposed to the happiest time of year, but for millions the opposite is true. The holidays are fraught with shopping anxiety, entertaining angst, and endless sources of stress. And no wonder! Any holiday that involves the Four F's -- family, food, feelings, and finances -- is bound to make us wish we could just pull the bedcovers over our heads and hibernate until January. "Please wake me when it's over," we plead in vain.

Every year I think, There must be a better way of doing the holidays. So this year I set out to find a way ... or several ways.

While Santa's been busy making a list of who's naughty and nice, I've been busy making my own list - 26 Ways to Stay Sane and Serene Through the Holidays. In sharing my list with you, I'm sending you warm wishes for a peaceful, loving, quietly happy holiday season. You needn't do everything on the list - just pick what you like and leave the rest.

HOW TO STAY SANE AND SERENE THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS ...

AWAKEN each day with gratitude.
BELIEVE that your holidays can be peaceful this year.
COUNT your blessings.
DECORATE your home and workspace with warm colors and soothing candles or lights.
EMBRACE your spiritual beliefs and practices.
FORGIVE those you've been resenting.
GIVE your time, attention, and money to those who need your help.
HUG your loved ones ... friends, family, and pets.
INVITE a few close friends for a casual holiday potluck.
JUGGLE obligations in light of your priorities.
KEEP IT SIMPLE.
LAUGH ... often.
MAKE TIME in your schedule to relax, refresh, reflect.
NOD and smile at people you see on the street.
OPEN your heart, your arms, and your home to others.
PRACTICE random acts of kindness.
QUESTION your old holiday traditions - do less and enjoy it more.
RESIST the urge to splurge ... on too much shopping, eating, or drinking.
SPEND LOTS OF TIME with those you love.
TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF - body, mind, and spirit.
UNDERSTAND that others may be anxious, depressed, sad, or stressed out.
VEER AWAY FROM HIGH-STRESS holiday situations.
WEAR clothes that make you feel comfy and warm.
XPLORE holiday traditions other than your own.
YEARN FOR AND WORK FOR PEACE in your life, in your home, in your work.
ZERO IN on what's truly important to you.

And remember ... THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE AREN'T THINGS.

Therese Borchard: 10 Types Of Female Friends: How Many Do You Have?

2009-12-07T09:28:29Z

Awhile back I wrote about the four kinds of friends you need in your life to become more resilient. Now let's talk about the kind of friends you actually have! Or at least the 10 types of female friends described by author Susan Shapiro Barash in her new book, Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships. (I promise to follow up with one for the guys, okay?).

For her book, Shapiro interviewed 200 women of assorted backgrounds and ages, and asked them all kinds of nosy questions about their friends. The result is a labyrinth of 10 types of female friendships. I have excerpted the following descriptions from her book:

1. The Leader

The leader is the friend we feel we must have, the one who can make or break our social lives. Being the leader renders one a "winner"--she is strong and outspoken; she understands her potency. She is the one who gets us invited to parties and makes the decisions for herself and for her friends.

2. The Doormat

The doormat is a martyr, and the position she takes among her friends is obvious: She isn't one to make her demands known and rarely questions anything. She is useful when any friend, in any category, is in a bad way--the doormat absorbs her sorrows willingly. The doormat yearns to belong to a group, and also seeks out intimate friendships. To this end, she isn't critical and won't give you a hard time.

3. The Sacrificer

The sacrificer is the one who takes the leap for her friends, and in tough times, we lean on this person, who will answer her phone in the dead of night to console you. The sacrificer's search for closeness is often what motivates her, and she is confident that she can handle a friend's expectations. When a sacrificer discovers that her friends are less dedicated than she, she can be very disappointed.

4. The Misery Lover

Enough women describe their misery lover as a friend who cares more about your bad news than your good news. These friends rally when a crisis hits and are even able to make a small incident into a bigger problem, at times. Although we find this friend consoling when the chips are down--if you've gained weight or lost your job, had a fight with your sister or mother, begun divorce proceedings, or are suffering along with an unhappy child--when the situation improves, she distances herself.

5. The User

The user stands alone in how every step she takes is purposeful and deliberate....This friend can be enticing and charismatic and knows how to wheedle her way into one's life and firmly entrench herself. She also has a hidden agenda and, to this end, considers what is best for her. The conflict is that she's very appealing; there is a sense that the friendship is attractive enough to keep it intact, as frustrating as it can be.

6. The Frenemy

The frenemy is the dark side of the user, with manipulation an underlying factor in these negative relationships. Many times her act is refined, unlike that of blatant enemies on the schoolyard during our grade school days.....Although it is apparent why and when one should walk away from this kind of friend, cultural messages, oddly enough, ramp up our view of frenemies. This gives tacit approval for the emotions and passive-aggressive behaviors that accompany the relationship.

7. The Trophy Friend

The trophy friend is out for the conquest of making you her friend. To this end, you elevate her to a new level and she, in turn, offers you something you don't already have. This friend is capable of seduction; she discovers you, and it is thrilling to be together....The trophy friend is savvy about intimacy and passion but falls short on commitment.

8. The Mirroring Friend

The mirroring friend has an identity that resonates with our own. So we are drawn to her, even if we aren't the same exact kind of friend ourselves; it is the mirroring aspect of the equation that makes it work. Our mirroring friends want to be with us in good times and bad with their matching joys and sorrows ... and are able to provide great solace.

9. The Sharer

While women are known to trade confidences, the sharer not only will tell all but will pour herself into the friendship. The sharer remains emotional and open, friendly and focused; she wants you to be her best friend. This kind of friend anticipates a serious pledge from her friends and feels that she, based on her own path, can ask for it.

10. The Authentic Friend

The authentic friend is the one we are in search for, a woman who has a high tolerance for her friend's entanglements and is deeply committed to the relationship. This relationship makes it worth all the ups and downs inherent in female friendship, and operates on mutual self-esteem, care, and flexibility. This is the friend who reinvents her role and adapts as friendships alter with time; she also remains steadfast with the patterns that have succeeded over the years.

Copyright 2009 by Shell Toss LLC. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. St. Martin's Press.

Iris Erlingsdottir: How Do I Make My Marriage Last?

2009-12-06T14:40:36Z

Hi Ísa:

I am getting married in the new year, for the first time; I am under thirty. Now, tell me a few things I can do to make it last! Thanks!

Helga C.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Helga!

I believe that the single most difficult challenge any newly-married person will face is the realization that their mate is not the ideal person they had thought him or her to be. How one reacts to this reality will determine the success or failure of the marriage.

When we fall in love, our brains trick us. We develop a sort of tunnel vision in which we see only his good qualities, and we become blind to his faults. Our brain chemicals cause each of us to actually become more tolerant and more caring. Time with him seems magic, and time apart seems interminable.

On the one hand, it's fortunate that we act this way, or we'd never compromise our individual ways of doing things and agree to commit ourselves to live with one person for the rest of our lives. On the other hand, though, we can often feel extreme disappointment when this consistently ecstatic, carefree feeling turns into the grind of routine family life. If you're not prepared for this change, you may give up before you settle into a much deeper and sustainable relationship.

Once the arguments begin, you may find yourself wondering if you've made a terrible mistake. What you need to realize, though, is that disagreements are an inevitable part of living with other people; what matters is how you deal with them. Marriages that end early are generally no different than marriages that last decades, it's just that the couples who don't give up and stick together -- for better or for worse--eventually learn to love being married to each other. Those who do give up because they crave the thrill of brand-new romantic love often are unable to ever create mature, lasting bonds with anyone.

Research on the subject of happiness has shown that your attitude matters. If you decide to be happy with your partner, your partner will be happy with you. If you decide to be unhappy, though, the relationship may go into a downward spiral. If you're bored with your relationship, your relationship will become boring. If you leave no doubt in your partner's mind -- through your words and actions -- that you glad to be on the same team as him, he will not be reluctant to express his love for you.

Mark Twain once said: "Love seems the swiftest, but it's the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century." Think of your marriage as a fine wine: though it may have a sharp intoxicating taste while young, as it ages it becomes a priceless treasure that can be appreciated on many levels.

Ísa

Anne Naylor: Do You Know Your 'Love Language'?

2009-12-06T10:45:28Z

To love someone deeply gives you strength.
Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

The weeks leading up to the holiday season can be emotionally intense. We are coming to the end of the year. Did it go well? Was it disappointing for you? Did children grow up, leaving home an empty nest? Are you celebrating your successes, or grieving your losses? Both perhaps.

Emotions are felt most keenly with those closest to us; those we love the most. None more so than in marriages or close partnerships. This time of the year is one in which we are being showered with spiritual Light. This Light comes as a blessing: to let us see more clearly where we might have something to learn; to heal our hurts; to reassure, soothe and comfort us; to bring us joy.

Communicating, giving and receiving awaken us to more of our love. The buying and giving of material gifts is not the only way we can demonstrate our love.

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.
Victor Hugo

A Little Story

There was once a young man who wanted to show his love for his wife. So he swam the deepest sea, climbed the highest mountain and tried to reach for the stars. Guess what happened?

His wife left him. Why?

Because he was never home.

Dr Gary Chapman has written a book on The Five Love Languages. If you are feeling unloved by your partner, husband, wife or close friend, it could be that you understand different love languages. What is your love language? What do you have to receive to know that you are special, that you are loved? How do you communicate your love with others?

The five love languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation

If your primary language is words of affirmation, you need to hear from your loved ones verbal appreciation, compliments or encouragement for you to feel special and loved. Simple and honest statements such as: You did really well getting that promotion. Or: You looked radiant and beautiful in your new outfit. Or: You are a great Dad to our kids.

2. Quality Time

Quality time with our loved ones is important for most of us, especially so if this is your primary love language. Give undivided time and attention with activities you enjoy doing together. During conversations, make sure the phone, tv or other distractions are turned off.

3. Receiving Gifts

Gifts are visual, tangible expressions of love and devotion. If this is your love language, you are likely to value gifts as touching and meaningful. Gifts do not have to be big and expensive. A single beautiful rose, a favourite food brought on the way home or a small souvenir from a trip away can speak volumes.

4. Acts of Service

Better to ask which acts of service are really appreciated than assume that cleaning the kitchen, or bathroom, clearing the garage are wanted more than looking after the kids on Saturday mornings. Most importantly, these acts must be undertaken not with resentment but with the joy of loving.

5. Physical Touch

Sexual intimacy is only one aspect of physical touch that communicates love in marriage or close partnership. Here it is important to discover from each other what forms of touching mean the most. These may include shoulder rubs at the end of a working day, back or feet massages, holding hands, stroking a cheek, a gentle hug.

Love is a fruit in season at all times and within reach of every hand.
Mother Teresa

To discover your own love language ask yourself the following questions:

1. How do I express love to others? (For example: I express love by giving words of encouragement and support, especially during challenging times.)

2. What do I request most often? (For example: I love to feel appreciated and acknowledged for what I do.)

3. What do I complain about the most? (For example: You never seem to notice when I have done something really well and that I am proud of.)

What you and your loved ones find out about your love languages needs to be communicated, shared and acted upon. Learning can lead you to greater joy and happiness with the ones you love the most.

Be willing to make changes. Small adjustments may make a big difference and cost very little.
The blessings of this season can grow and deepen your love in ways that perhaps you had not thought about before.

Love, the key that unlocks the bars of impossibility.
Fikayo Ositelu

How do you enjoy receiving love from those dear to you? What makes you feel special and most loved? Could you celebrate the holiday season by giving differently this year?

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10 Truths I Wish I'd Known Sooner

2009-12-06T10:05:18Z

Her friends and family tried to guide her. But it was only through years of rich experience that she grasped the realities of life.

The Dangers Of Multitasking And How To Stop

2009-12-04T10:49:59Z

It seems that we are all becoming terribly distracted. This partial attention is taking our time, productivity, balance, and I would argue, sanity.

Lloyd I. Sederer, MD: Antipsychotic Medication Use In Children And Adolescents: What's A Parent To Do?

2009-12-04T10:37:11Z

If you are among the great predominance of families whose children merely drive you mad, rather than suffer from some form of serious mental illness, this commentary need not concern you (directly). But a small percentage of children in this country will suffer, by the time they are 18 (especially in late adolescence), from symptoms of a major mental disorder where thinking, behavior and mood are severely impacted and functioning as a member of the family, a friend and in school is clearly compromised. The conditions I am referring to are the psychotic illnesses of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder as well as some youth with autism (on the severe end of the spectrum), aggressive behaviors, and an uncommon but disruptive tic disorder called Tourette Syndrome. These are conditions for which doctors often prescribe antipsychotic medications such as aripiprazole (Abilify), olanzapine (Zyprexa) quetiapine (Seroquel), and risperidone (Respirdal and other brands).

A recent Journal of the American Medical Association article (October 28, 2009) by Dr. Christoph Correll and colleagues reported on a 12 week trial of these four antipsychotic medications, so called "second generation" drugs because of their more recent development, in children from age four to 19 who had not previously received this class of medication. The children received medication doses decided upon by their doctors; a comparison group of youth was followed and did not receive any of these medications. The research sought to ask if there were significant changes in three important physical measures in this short period of time: weight, lipids (cholesterol and triglycerides), and insulin resistance (a measure of how the body handles sugar that is predictive of obesity and diabetes). Their results were disturbing.

All four of the studied antipsychotic medications were associated with weight gain, ranging from about 10 to 22 pounds, with the comparison group showing no significant changes, in 12 weeks. Significant changes in body lipids were associated with three of the medications but not with aripiprazole or the comparison group. Evidence of changes in glucose and insulin were noted only for olanzapine.

In 2007, New York State Commissioner of Mental Health Mike Hogan (disclosure - my boss) and I wrote an advisory entitled: Bipolar Disorder in Children: Why are the Rates Rising?

Rates of the diagnosis of bipolar disorder in children and adolescents had risen forty (40) times in ten years. What was going on? Genes surely don't mutate that quickly, nor families, and while the environment continues to worsen it is not at that rate. The diagnosis of bipolar disorder was being made liberally, perhaps to better identify those youth in need of treatment, but at a price we are increasingly seeing since the diagnosis is usually accompanied by the prescription of an antipsychotic medication. New additions to what doctors will prescribe are likely now that the FDA Psychopharmacological Drugs Advisory Committee (June 2009) approved quetiapine and olanzapine for the treatment of schizophrenia and bipolar mania (risperidone had already been approved) - though the FDA has yet to act on the Committee's approvals.

I am not crusading against the use of antipsychotic medications in youth. These medications are a proven treatment for youth with psychotic illness and thus critical to their safety, health and recovery. Untreated psychosis, over time, is known to be "neurotoxic", which is to say that in ways we do not yet understand the brain undergoes tissue destruction, at a time of important brain development, with resulting loss of functioning. The dilemma, thus for families and doctors, is that a needed treatment brings with it significant side-effects and health risks. Serious mental illness in a child is a very tough and sometimes heartbreaking journey for a family, all the more unsettling by evidence that treatment can carry its own - and a different - set of problems.

As Commissioner Hogan and I wrote in the Bipolar Advisory, and the same applies to all major mental illnesses, doctors and families need to prudently pursue a thorough diagnostic evaluation to feel confident that a psychotic disorder warranting antipsychotic treatment is what your child is experiencing. Families are entitled to full information about their child and should not be shy about asking questions that are answered in everyday English that explain the basis for the diagnosis offered - and what to expect from treatment, including benefits and risks. A second opinion, when in doubt, or if treatment is complex or not working well enough, should be sought; any doctor who does not welcome a second opinion is probably a doctor worth getting rid of. Youth change, and so does their illness, so
reconsidering the diagnosis from time to time, and the treatment, is fair and should not be dismissed as some form of denial of the reality of a child's illness.

When antipsychotic medications are needed, guidelines for their use have been developed for psychiatric practice. In general, a doctor should seek the minimal effective dose; there is no evidence for using more than one antipsychotic medication, called polypharmacy, though in exceptional instances, with an individual patient, it may prove useful (but ask the doctor to explain why one antipsychotic will not suffice); and medications should be sustained as long as necessary but that does not necessarily mean forever. With the now indisputable evidence of the effects of "second generation" antipsychotics on weight, lipids and likely glucose metabolism (over time), and the consequent risk for heart disease, diabetes, and stroke (to name a few diseases) these health measures need careful monitoring combined with efforts to improve nutrition and exercise, and help youth elude the dangers of tobacco, alcohol and drugs that will add to their problems. Research is underway to determine if there may be medications (now used in diabetes treatment) that may help avert these problems, and the search for better antipsychotic medications, with more benefit and fewer side-effects, continues.

Families need to also understand that medications are only one of the interventions that can be provided your child. Specific psychotherapies complement medications and work to improve thinking, mood and everyday social and educational functioning. Don't settle for just medications when more can be done. And talk to other families who also struggle with the dilemma of how to care for their child while minimizing harm.

The opinions expressed herein are solely my own as a psychiatrist and public health advocate.
Lloyd I Sederer, MD

Dr. Hendrie Weisinger: A College Tour De Force

2009-12-03T17:19:08Z

It's no picnic waiting for a train on a chilly Sunday morning but that is exactly what I was doing at my local train station in Westport, CT when my attention was drawn to three teenagers who were in a close huddle a few feet from me. I knew they weren't standing around a fire, nor did I think they were designing football plays. I didn't smell any smoke either.

Since I didn't hear the train a coming, I started to banter. "What are you guys up to?" Without breaking their huddle, the big kid voiced, "We are visiting colleges."

"Oh, going into the city to see NYU and Columbia?" (two popular schools for Westport students)
"No. Right now I am leaving MIT and now I will tour Stanford."

The smallest of the pack broke the huddle, and before my curiosity could act, showed me his iPhone. "I'm going to Harvard. Look."

Easier than making apple pie, he pushed a button and showed me a hot new iPhone application that college bound students and their parents are sure to love -- college tours packed with "insider" information that familiarize students with the schools they wish to attend.

"Show me MIT. I've given a lot of lectures there." In a second, I was strolling M.I.T. campus.

The small kid continued to educate me. Watch what this does. Calling into play one of the application's innovative features, I could now read specific information about the specific location that I am viewing. Very sweet, I thought.

"It uses a new technology,"...but before the mall kid could explain, the train pulled up. I parted ways with the college bound students but not before I asked them to tell me the name of the application. It's called uTourX.

I had a good idea. In the next few weeks, I would be speaking to executives and managers from companies such as State Farm, Prudential, Medtronic, Attachmate, Nationwide, Merrill Lynch, United, Shire andBoeing, to name just a few. I've learned over the years that top executive from top companies like to hear about up and coming start-ups and clever applications of technology. I thought the company behind uTourX might fit the bill. I was also working on an article about management styles in startup hi-tech companies. Some would say I could kill two birds with one stone.

It was easy to find out that the company that created uTourX is called oSnapplications . Although I shouldn't of been surprised -- not in this day and age -- I was to find out that oSnapplications' corporate makeup was no more than a very small band of young entrepreneurs with hi-tech skill and savvy.

I remembered that the small kid from the train station told me uTourX used a new technology so using my investigative reporting skills, I tracked down 17-year old Chief Technology Officer Mr. Ian Cinnamon.

"Hello, May I please speak to Ian Cinnamon?"

"Sure, may I tell him who's calling?" The voice definitely sounded more motherly than receptionist.

"Yes, it's Dr. Weisinger. I'd like to speak to him about uTourX."

A half minute later, "Hi, this is Ian. Can I help you?"

I explained the purpose of my call and for the next twenty minutes, the young Chief Technology Officer filled me in about oSnapplications and uTourX. I learned that he had met his partner and president of the company, Max Uhlenhuth, when they both attended the Research Science Institute summer program at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

I also learned that Mr. Cinnamon ("Call me Ian," he reminded me several times) had developed other successful Apple applications but he was clearly psyched about uTourX.

"This is going to help a lot of college bound students. It will give them a preview of a school they may wish to attend but might not have the time or money to actually make the visit. The tours might also get a students interested in schools that were off their map. Also..."

It was refreshing to hear the passion, the conviction, the belief that Ian projected in explaining how uTourX would revolutionize college tours and in the process, help hundreds of thousands, (or was it millions?) of college bound students. Apple would love this kid, I thought.

He then went on to tell me that their business plan allows other students to make some easy cash. Naturally, I asked "How?"

"Well, we want students from colleges and universities all over the world to create their own college tour for uTourX. Students can put their unique "inside university/college information," on their tour -- it's a new technology called augmented reality. Every time someone views the tour, the tour creator gets reimbursed. In effect, their application becomes part of our application. We hope to get thousands and thousands of tour submissions. For some schools, like Michigan, Arizona State, UCLA, we could get a hundred tours each. Students who make the best, most creative, funniest tours, will probably go to the bank often. I believe we are investing in the creativity of our fellow students!"

On that note -- he did sound a little like Buffet -- I ended the interview.

Later that evening, I thought about uTourX, oSnapplications and my conversation with the "emotionally intelligent" CTO. Then, it suddenly hit me. I thumbed through my calendar, and it became very clear what the next two months had in store for me.

Why should students have all the uTourX fun and make all the money? My plan materialized. When I speak to Nationwide in Columbus, I would create a tour of Ohio State. In Seattle, after a presentation to Medtronic, I would knock out a University of Washington tour. Speaking to State Farm in Portland would give me the time to tour Portland State.

A seminar for the Institute for Management Studies in San Francisco, and Los Angeles, would add USF, UCLA, USC, Pepperdine, and if time permitted, Santa Monica Community College. I was happy I was going to Atlanta to speak to the Federal Reserve Bank because I wanted Emory on my app too.

And so it went. An hour later, I counted close to 100 university/colleges and if I spent several hours in Boston, I could add twenty junior colleges! Furthermore, I realized that I could have two tours for each school -- one for students, one for parents. I just doubled my fortune.

I went to sleep excited about my new endeavor but I knew I had my work cut out for me. First step, I'd have to buy an iPhone! Then I would be able to give Mr. Ian Cinnamon, CTO of oSnapplications a college tour de force!

Dr. Belisa Vranich: Crushed By Her Boyfriend's Fetish: Dear Doc

2009-12-03T14:32:45Z

Dear Doctor,

I found a link to a site called www.clips4sale.com on my boyfriend's computer. It's a site showing feet mashing food (like donuts, cake, fruit), breaking electronics, and putting out cigarette butts....I'm a little freaked out, what does this mean about him? Should I confront him?
Freaked out in Atlanta, GA

Dear Freaked,

This fetish (or paraphilia) is an intense and constant sexual urge where the viewer is aroused by things that aren't usually sexual (think rubbing balloons together, wearing furry animal costumes, or in this case crushing things under a bare foot or high-heeled shoe). Someone with a hardcore fetish can't get aroused unless there is something related to their fetish going on - so just the fact that he hasn't been bringing boxes of Entenmann's into the bedroom means that he probably was just curious (or maybe has a friend making her modeling debut on the site). "Crushing" is not a common fetish but it has gained attention in the media because of a subset of fetishists enjoying seeing small animals crushed - this obviously crosses the line into sadism and lack of empathy that is pathological. Finally, definitely don't confront him, just open the door for conversation without being judgmental...your goal is to continue to get to know each other sexually so try not to talk to him in a way that his response will be defensive.
Dr. Belisa

Read more: Fetishes, Relationships, Sex, Living News

Michele Willens: FACE IT: Experience Is Back

2009-12-03T14:15:24Z

I was at a friend's 60th birthday party recently and noticed that, far from impaling herself with the cake knife, she was beaming. She has not looked this fit in years, is writing her second book, and her kids are thriving. I believed her when she said, "I don't think I've ever been this happy." Why should I be surprised? I too take pleasure in the "you couldn't be" comments, and as I walk around Columbia University as a matriculating madam, I feel re- invigorated and at the top of my game. No, the guys aren't asking me to their mixers, but I do sense them cozying up more and more for some life lessons. Hey, I'll take it.

Not that there aren't times when I return, like so many of my contemporaries, to feeling invisible. Small wonder, considering the barrage of potent potions and inane infomercials reminding us our wrinkles only spell doom. It's cool to be wise and all that, but god forbid it should be visible on the visage. Well, from what I have seen in 2009, there is hope.

Is experience--which seemed to have gone out when ipods and apps came in--- back? And can it be beautiful?

It may be a stretch to say Meryl Streep has never looked more fetching. But at 60, there is no denying she is not only at her peak as an actress, but her movies are actually making serious money. (Watch for the upcoming Vanity Fair and ask yourself when the last time a woman over 40 made its cover) Nora Ephron, the writer-director of one of Streep's trio of winners this year, had previously hit a dry streak . Now, in her sixties, she has a hit movie, a blockbuster book and a successful play. While her voice has stayed its unique self, there is a more humane tone that meets the edge. And yes, she looks terrific.

I would submit that Hillary Clinton has finally found serenity in power and it makes her more attractive, more respected and more her own woman. The shrillness has been replaced by a, well, stateswomanlike manner. As Diane Sawyer prepares to take over the ABC anchor desk, she too obviously remains as driven and competitive as ever. And dammit, she seems to grow more gorgeous by the year.

Whoopi Goldberg and Sally Field are two longtime stars who have passed through many a stage with us, and both seem to have settled into a comfortable stride. They have found homes on television that allow them to use their long and productive lives to add depth to what could be trivial enterprises. They have stopped trying to fight time and both look great. (And men notice: Sally seems to be fighting them off on Brothers and Sisters)

Speaking of men, let me move across gender lines for a moment. Some of the guys too have made memorable returns recently, proving that all those years of doing something well have not diminished their self worth or sex appeal. Think McCartney, Fogerty, Sting and Bruce. And in the world of professional sports, who would have thought Brett Favre at 40, (that's 60 in quarter back years) would be a potential MVP?

All those guys look their age--and we respond with forgiveness and fantasies-- but let's not kid ourselves. It's still a lot tougher for women to proudly parade our hard earned gray hairs and nab a partner, a job, an agent. Having recently co-authored a book with two models-turned-therapists, I have come to understand that aging with grace need not mean replacing the resumes with the Restalyne. But it does involve saying goodbye in order to say hello.

"For some women, beauty is equated with youth, an equation with no possible solution," explains Dr. Vivian Diller. "Long lasting beauty, in fact, is attained by the opposite: by letting go and moving on, by no longer feeling bound by narrow definitions so often dictated by contemporary culture." For a generation that thought we would be forever young, this is no walk in the park. "The challenge is to keep youthful optimism in our hearts and minds while letting our faces follow their natural courses," adds Dr. Diller.

That's easier to do when your cheekbones haven't gone south or you look like Demi at 45. But this is not about Cougar-ing: Let her defy the odds with Ashton, let Madonna date her 22 year old Brazilian model. More power to them, but something tells me these are not women who feel great in their own (natural) skin. "There is nothing more unattractive than fear and anxiety on the faces of midlife women today," says Dr. Diller.

Fear and anxiety are no doubt here to stay ,but this holiday season, let's celebrate women who have stayed around, are performing at high levels, and letting it show.

Michele Willens is a journalist, playwright, student and the editor of FACE IT: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change. (Hay House 2/10)

David Whyte: The Poetic Narrative Of Our Times

2009-12-03T11:22:30Z

Night mist hangs on the Conamara mountainside above Mameen, hiding the immensity of its sleeping, background bulk and at the same time magnifying its presence, bringing out its depth and making known to us its essential rough, unspeakable mountain-ness even as it veils and takes full sight of it away from us. Over stone precipices, the lazy movement and hanging drifts of fine-silvered water vapor outline and enhance what we call the beauty of the mountains, by enabling us to see them again and again, as if new and reborn through each shifting pattern. We are strangely delighted by our imagined fears of what it would be like to be abroad in the dark and the mist and the stones, out on their ridges and peaks, in that night where so much is hidden. Then, above the ridgelines, a full moon suddenly appears from between clouds, accentuating its own luminosity and the luminosity of the mountains by its swift appearance, seeming to demonstrate its very essence through a sheer, round, isolated contrast with what it looks down upon.

Looking up from the lit door of Keanes's Pub in the heart of Conamara, these clouds, landscapes, and even the Irishness of the night seem fuller and more essential through their disappearances as much as through their appearances. Human beings stand at the center of these sometimes swift, sometimes slow, always moving patterns of presence and absence, but rarely intuit their own essence might be revealed and magnified by what is veiled and hidden, or by what has been taken away. Yet this form of subtraction may be the very hallmark of our time. At the present time we are asked to live in companionship with patterns and dynamics that are either disappearing, have not fully emerged or can never be fully named; patterns perhaps already changing into forms for which we have yet no language.

It is tempting, in this limbo time between the traumas of a world once said to be in ceaseless war with terrorism and a not yet fully formed future ideal, to feel righteously lost. Everything seems to be paused and hanging in a mist- wrought, barely moving dance. The world's economic systems, the world's ecological systems, the relations between haves and have-nots, the sovereignty of nation states upon which many millions of individuals have based their identities, all these are taking forms which we cannot quite recognize, and in that movement through form seem to be on the verge of disappearing. Even the recent worldwide enthusiasm for the American presidential elections has waned, as the poetic narrative that put Obama so enthusiastically in the White House is dissipated by the cares of office and the sense that he is already half-captured by the very denizens of Wall Street that brought everything so dangerously to the brink. The problems seem immense; the forces at play absorbing and able to deflect the need for reform.

Little wonder then that if we prefer the appearance of stability or clear unobstructed vision we will manufacture fake narratives to replace the complexity, changeability and raw beauty of real ones, especially if the stories we always wanted to be true seem to shimmer and disappear. The flat earth vision of Thomas Friedman is well articulated, but ultimately based on a human identity parsed solely through economics, as if human life can be defined by whether one is more productive or educated than the next person. It is the task of poetry, and the poetic narrative, to bring our eyes to bear on the raw immensity of these patterns and the heart breaking nature of our disappearances, which are unavoidable no matter our economic standing or our education; what Yeats called the terrible beauty that is a consequence of being alive in this world, no matter how relentlessly positive we may be. It is the province of poetry to be more realistic and present than the artificial narratives of an outer discourse, and not afraid of the truthful difficulty of the average human life. A good poem looks life straight in the face, unflinching, sincere, equal to revelation through loss or gain. A good poem brims with reflected beauty and even a bracing beautiful ugliness. At the center of our lives, in the midst of the busyness and the forgetting, is a story that makes sense when everything extraneous has been taken away. This is poetry's province; a form of deep memory; a place from which to witness the intangible, unspeakable thresholds of incarnation we misname an average life.

I think of a good friend, once robustly healthy, adventurous, hard working, inventive and entrepreneurial, now confined to a wheel chair and barely able to function intellectually after a terrible accident. His wife and children have lost many of the outer stories they had told themselves about their future but the central story, the one that lives under the busy surface of a family's life, the one that was always there, still remains clearly, luminously at the center. His wife has spoken many times of the essence of his spirit and the essence of her love for that spirit, which remains as a thing of beauty in and of itself, informing all the work that must be done to adjust and adapt to the new outer narrative.

It might be liberating to think of human life as informed by losses and disappearances as much as by gifted appearances, allowing a more present participation and witness to the difficulty of living. What is real can never be fully taken away; its essence always remains. It might set us a little freer to believe that there is no path in life - in the low valley, in the shelter of Keane's comfortable bar, snug by a turf fire or abroad in the mountain night, that does not lead to some form of heartbreak when the outer narrative disappears and then reappears in a different form. If we are sincere, every good marriage or relationship will break our hearts in order to enlarge our understanding of our self and that strange other with whom we have promised ourselves to the future. Being a good parent will necessarily break our hearts as we watch a child grow and eventually choose their own way, even through many of the same heartbreaks we have traversed. Following a vocation or an art form through decades of practice and understanding will break the idealistic heart that began the journey and replace it, if we sidestep the temptations of bitterness and self-pity, with something more malleable, compassionate and generous than the metaphysical organ with which we began the journey. We learn, grow and become compassionate and generous as much through exile as homecoming; as much through loss as gain, as much through giving things away as in receiving what we believe to be our due.

It may be that we live in a time of collective heartbreak, where for the first time in history we are being asked to witness the disappearance and reappearance on a global scale of what it means to be fully human; to give away our identity and see how it is returned to us through a sincere participation in the trials and necessities of the coming years. Part of that heartbreak is the sense that we might not be equal to the ecological, political and economic transitions that are necessary, that our own selfishness may be writ too deeply into our genes and that the future is therefore untenable and unreachable. We do not as yet know if this is true, but the old humanistic story around ourselves as a successful species, always on the up and up and appointed to some special destiny, is fading and silvering into the night air, and we are left, at this point in history, contemplating the unknown immensity of the night behind it.

MAMEEN

Be infinitesimal under that sky, a creature
even the sailing hawk misses, a wraith
among the rocks where the mist parts slowly.
Recall the way mere mortals are overwhelmed
by circumstance, how great reputations
dissolve with infirmity and how you,
in particular, live a hairsbreadth from losing
everyone you hold dear.

Then, look back down the path as if seeing
your past and then south over the hazy blue
coast as if present to a wide future,
recall the way you are all possibilities
you can see and how you live best
as an appreciator of horizons
whether you reach them or not,
admit that once you have got up
from your chair and opened the door,
once you have walked out into the clean air
toward that edge and taken the path up high
beyond the ordinary you have become
the privileged and the pilgrim
the one who will tell the story
and the one, coming back
from the mountain,
who helped to make it.

- David Whyte
from RIVER FLOW: New & Selected Poems 1984-2007
Copyright 2006 Many Rivers Press

Rachel Simmons: You Asked for It: How to Talk to Girls About the Messages of New Moon, With a Free Activity Plan for Educators

2009-12-02T22:16:20Z

I think there's been enough written about the dizzyingly bad messages "New Moon" telegraphs to girls. Among the cringe-worthy morals of this story: When you're in love, the only thing that matters in life is your man. If you get dumped, your life is over, so feel free to act suicidal to get him back. Even if he tells you he never wants to see you again, manipulation and game-playing are effective ways to get his attention. Your friends are only ornaments; just kick them to the curb when he comes back.

No matter how you slice it, Bella Swan's one reason for being is Edward Cullen. She's got no hobbies. She's got no opinions. She pretty much has no friends. The girl has nothing on her or about her that extends beyond one burning, fangy desire: Get. Edward. Back. Is it any wonder that when Bella extends her hand to the mind-reading Italian vampire, he is stunned to see "nothing?"

Which puts adults in a thoroughly uncomfortable position. Sitting in a sea of girls twittering and swooning at the phenomenal acting skills of Taylor Lautner's torso, I found myself praying quietly for a scene where Bella paints, or sits on a bus with the debate team, or does something unrelated to obsessive, self-destructive pining. And I began to wonder how we could talk to girls about this film.

My suggestion is that we don't come down like a ton of bricks on it. That's a debate we're sure to lose. Twilight isn't just a phenomenon of dollars; it's a social obsession among girls. It's something they bond over and believe in together. Challenging it would be like taking on rock and roll.

So let's talk with girls about New Moon on their terms and ours. This is a terrific opportunity for you to communicate your own values as a parent about intimacy, love and relationships. Here are my suggestions for a discussion, followed by an activity plan for educators.

Warm-Up Questions

What did you think of the movie? What was your favorite part?

Do you think it was better than "Twilight?" Why or why not?

Why are girls so obsessed with the Twilight Saga?

If you're not that into Twilight, why?

And then you can transition into the heavier questions:

Do you think you'd be friends with a girl like Bella (not Kristen Stewart)? Why or why not?

If you were introducing Bella to your friends, how would you describe her? What are her interests and hobbies, for example?

Who is Bella besides Edward's girlfriend in this movie? Does she have another identity?

Bella seems willing to die in order to get Edward back. In your opinion, is this an accurate portrayal of a typical girl in love? Is it healthy?

What do you think of the way Bella treated Jacob in this movie? (If you need to prompt: It seems like she ditched him as soon as Edward came back. )

People are divided on who is the better guy for Bella (the joke is "Team Edward" vs "Team Jacob"). Who do you think is better for Bella? Why? And what about the fact that there's no "Team Bella?" Are either of these relationships worth having?

If you're working with a group of girls who have seen this film, try these activities.

Activity 1: Love as Addiction

Start out with some of the questions above to warm the group up. Then explain that you want to explore Bella's relationship with Edward in more detail.

Distribute a copy of the lyrics to the song "Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson and play the song for your group.

Ask girls to raise their hands if they agree this song could be about Bella Swan in the film "New Moon." Then ask who believes the song does not apply to Bella Swan. This is a good time to remind your participants that you're talking about the movie, not the book (which may have a more textured portrayal of Bella Swan; I don't know because I haven't read it).

Divide the groups accordingly. Using the lyrics, have each group prepare an argument about why the song applies (or doesn't) to Bella. Get a spirited debate going.

Activity 2: Team Edward, Team Jacob or Team Bella

Ask the girls if they believe Bella is better off with Edward, Jacob or on her own, and divide the groups accordingly.

Ask the Team Edward and Team Jacob groups to come up with a short presentation about why Bella would be better off with their character. They should provide clear evidence and consider the following questions, among others (feel free to add your own prompts):

1. How did your character treat Bella?
2. What impact did your character have on Bella's emotions and on her life in general?

Team Bella can prepare an argument about why they believe neither guy is worth Bella's time. Like the other groups, they should be ready to provide evidence.

After each group makes its presentation, allow the opposing group to challenge with questions and debate.

Have fun! Email me if you have any additions to these activities or feedback on how it went.