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Catie Lazarus: Top 10 Reasons This Woman Can't Write for Late Night Comedy Shows

2009-11-12T20:07:00Z

In the New York Times, Bill Carter writes ,"very few women make it inside the writing rooms for late-night television hosts, despite that women make up a larger proportion of their audience than men. There are no female writers on the new “The Jay Leno Show,” none on “Late Show with David Letterman,” none on “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.”"

Based on his article and Nell Scovell's personal account in Vanity Fair, I have come to understand why the odds are stacked against my wedging my paw in the door. I still have hope (also known as delusion).

The Top 10 Reasons This Woman Can't Write for Late Night Comedy Variety Shows

10) I will be overcome by desire for my male comedy writing peers
and superiors, who are known for their off-white, pasty skin and muscle tonus
minimus, akin to albino, soft shell turtles.

9) My lady sensibility is limited to menstruation
(hilarious), babies (adorable), and unicorns mating
(adorably hilarious).

8) Due to my genetic make-up, I am physically incapable to
handle the job, considering the heavy manual labor required in touch typing.

7) The number one rule of comedy is fitting in and I sometimes buck the uniform of orthopedic New Balance sneakers,
hoodies, jeans, and t-shirts, with ironic catchphrases like, "Pro-Cashmere. Pro-Cotton.
Pro-Choice."

6) The only requests I get as
a female comedy writer are to discuss sexism in comedy, instead of political satire about how Sarah Palin is so sick she
gives swine flu or scripts like Crones:
The Musical! or commercials, maybe, Femedy: A bubble gum
birth control for tweens who don't want to ovulate. Period.

5) Late-night comedy requires a male point-of-view, and girls,
even ones closer to menopause than teething, can only express themselves in
glittery pink (which, fyi, typing in does
not fund cancer research).

4) As a lady, I automatically cost less, and in a business where money talks, how will I be taken seriously? I mean funnily.

3) I didn't graduate from Harvard so I lack the cultural capital to craft the erudite, intellectual fodder
typical of late-night comedies, like the masturbating bear or gift
wrapped genitalia.

2) Hollywood would have to make major changes to catch up with
medicine, law, even engineering, in its hiring practices, and we all know how open television is to change. It only took 30 years (and millions of dollars) before CNN let Native
American Lou Dobbs quit. (I mean, leave to spend time with his family.)

1) I'd have to be funny and learn
how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Art Levine: Cutting-Edge Comics Shake Up Washington with Truths You Won't See on Cable Chat Shows

2009-11-02T02:01:36Z

With the capital being torn apart by partisan fighting over everything from health care reform to Afghanistan, the last two weeks in Washington, D.C have seen a bonanza of comic talent descend on a laugh-starved city. Thanks to the Bentzen Ball organized by blogger hipsters-turned-entrepeneurs Brightest Young Things and L.A. comic Tig Notaro, America's edgiest comedians came to town. They included Sarah Silverman, Todd Barry, Mary Lynn Rajskub ("Chloe" on 24) and Patton Oswalt, along with other rising stars in comedy and story-telling, offering conventional-minded D.C. a rare opportunity to both laugh and think.

Those of us lucky enough to attend some of the shows packed in over a four-day weekend were exposed to everything from shocking comedy about politics to hilarious humor about the hassles of everyday life to fresh ways at looking at the world around us -- including such intractable social issues as teaching in inner-city schools, as shown through the fractured true-tales unveiled in the remarkable one-man show, "Call Me Mr. Fry," by L.A. teacher Jack Freiberg, offered last week in a separate showcase at the, yes, federal Department of Education.

Even on the most left-wing TV and radio shows, you still don't get to hear right-wingers, the "Tea Baggers" and the insanity of the politics surrounding health care reform taken on with such venomous -- and scabrous -- intensity as some of th comedians brought to the live stages around town. Lizz Winstead, the co-founder of "The Daily Show," who is regularly convulsing audiences as part of the parody right-morning show she created, "Wake Up World," took after everyone from Harry Reid for his convoluted waffling on the public option to Liz Cheney, described as "the most unfuckable vampire" you might see on a show like "True Blood."

And in the tradition of Mort Sahl, she was able to use reality that can't be made up -- in this case, skewering a new drug to help women grow longer, thicker eyelashes, Latisse, and its spokesmodel Brooke Shields. It serves as a perfect emblem for the crazed priorities in our health care system -- and since it has to be applied carefully at night before bed, only poses a few minor minor risks: possible blindness if misapplied and unintended hair growth. "That's worth it," she joked.

Genuine shock in political comedy came from a 30-year-old comic, Duncan Trussell, carrying on in the taboo-smashing tradition of Lenny Bruce, if not necessarily with all his brilliance. He'll be seen in HBO's upcoming series "Funny or Die." While liberal pundits have bemoaned the ugliness of our political life generated by right-wing Obama hatred and the rise in unhinged, potentially dangerous extremism, Trussell zeroed in on their crazed zealotry in fresh ways. He observed, for instance, that the "Tea Baggers" looked like the bizarre hillbilly killers in The Hills Have Eyes. So much for the much-vaunted Republican base. He added, "They're calling Obama the anti-Christ because they can't call him n****r," at least in public. "Anti-Christ is the second worst name they can think of to call him," he noted. He then mimicked them struggling with their racist impulses, "He's a n-n-n-...Nigerian!"

But as he moved into describing Obama's very real danger because of the unfettered extremist rhetoric at loose in the land, comparing him to "Martin Luther King, JFK and Gandhi all rolled up into an assassination omelet," the crowd grew uneasy and laughter stilled, because he was putting in blunter terms what respected commentators, such as Rachel Maddow, and Pultizer Prize-winner Thomas Friedman have talked about in somewhat more circumspect terms. Friedman, a centrist, had observed, " Something very dangerous is happening. Criticism from the far right has begun tipping over into delegitimation and creating the same kind of climate here that existed in Israel on the eve of the Rabin assassination." Trussell was framing the same point in a theatrical way, presenting a dangerous reality we'd rather not look at close up, even as virtually all GOP leaders have done nothing whatsoever to calm the violent rhetoric and hatred spewing upward from the most fanatical and unhinged members of their frenzied "base," and instead have essentially fanned it. Trussell's comments were shocking, offensive, and not exactly funny, and yet they were addressing a harsh truth that's being generally swept under the rug as GOP leaders aren't being held accountable for their pandering to the most extremist members in their base.

Some of the comics challenged conventional thinking in a more profound way, by challenging our very notions about what a stand-up act is supposed to be about in the first place. How can you have comedy without standard one-liners, or monologues, or efforts to ingratiate yourself with your audience? Here's how: The heavy-set African-American comedian Reggie Watts, winner, aptly, of the Andy Kaufman award, combines lightning-fast improvisation, multiple characters from a teen-age party girl to a Japanese telecom executive to a DC street hustler with uncanny accuracy, all supplemented with his own unique electronically looped musical vocals. He's like the Jimi Hendrix of comedy, from some future world where words fly almost as fast as thoughts and all of us are just characters in some genius's mad mash-up. He show can't be properly condensed into brief videos or five-minute routines, although he's been a guest on the Jimmy Fallon show. And so he can't be easily packaged and sold as a comedy commodity, but it's a sign of his power as a performer that no matter who else is on the bill, even TV veterans like Todd Barry with their own comedy specials, Watts always closes the show. Like James Brown or Hendrix himself in the music world, no one wants to follow him.

The heart that underlies all great comedy, whether it's rage at a failing system and human hypocrisy or the potent brew of laughs and poignance seen in a Chaplin and a Pryor, kept beating among the best of the comics and story-tellers who came to town. Last week, while definitely not part of the Bentzen Ball festival, the Department of Education hosted the one-man show called "Call Me Mr. Fry," earlier seen in theaters and fringe festivals around the country and scheduled for off-Broadway later this year, that throws a spotlight on the challenges still facing teachers every day in our inner cities -- even as debate rages over how to improve teacher quality and the shortcoming of the "No Child Left Behind" act. All that, though, is just a backdrop for Freiberg's warm, funny and touching look at the lives of the students he's tried to reach. As the DC Theater Scene observed (he also got good reviews in the Washington Post) when he was here for the Capital Fringe Festival:

If you could conjure up someone who could get across the magic, frustration, horror and satisfaction of teaching in the California public school system, out would pop Jack Freiberger, mercifully shortened to Mister Frey. Filled with enough impersonations of characters to fill a school yard and the principal's office, this production has enough heart, audacity, and originality to stand out from the crowd, mainly because of the artistry of Jack Fry...

Far from Blackboard Jungle and Mean Streets and all the tough kid tales in between, this story works because in addition to the characterizations being so realistic, the people actually exist. From tough guy Anthony and his father-figure Uncle, to jumpy, jittery Jasmine who desperately seeks her Mom's attention, Fry has their mannerisms down cold in moments and scenes that are heartbreakingly real and honest. His interjections of humor are not forced but are as much part of the message as the family pictures he projects on the screen of the true to life characters.

Fry also relays the frustration of dealing with the sometimes tyrannical rules and regulations of the public school system. He does this strange shadow dance in trying to break up a fight without touching anybody. When officials visit to examine the school's adherence to the "No Child Left Behind" lock-step policies, he announces them with musical refrains from the Star Wars battling battalions. Finally, with sophisticated audiovisual and light cues, balloon props, hushed tones for somber moods, and shoot from the heart delivery, Fry offers a completely original approach to slipping into the minds and hearts of middle schoolers on the brink of self-discovery, empowerment and personal freedom.

They Call Me Mister Frey is a fresh new take on an ongoing challenge that isn't going away any time soon -- what does it take to keep young idealistic teachers in the classroom where they're most needed before they get as burned out as crispy critters? Against all the odds, Fry is still in South Central, and we're thrilled that he's using some of his precious summer break to share his inspiring observations with us.

The video now online really doesn't do him or the show justice, but it offers a preview of a show that anyone who care about teaching, kids or our economic future should see:

"Sell The Vatican Save The World": Sarah Silverman's Campaign To End Hunger (VIDEO)

2009-10-11T00:48:22Z

We're pretty sure offering the Pope "pussy" is inappropriate, but doing it in the name of solving world hunger seems a little less crazy. Sarah Silverman launched a new campaign this weekend on "Real Time with Bill Maher" in which she pleads with the Catholic Church to sell the Vatican to save the world: "You preach to live humbly, and I totally agree. So now maybe it's time for you to move out of your house that is a city." Silverman outlines her plan in the following video which may prove unpopular among Catholics and highly popular amongst Silverman fans.

WATCH:

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Meredith C. Carroll: Getting Lost in the Land of Twitter

2009-10-07T17:50:13Z

Twitter can now count me among its millions of users. Never one to miss out on a trend that involves naming rights, I actually became a registered Tweeter (Twiddle?) months ago, but didn't really know how it worked or what its purpose was (and still kind of don't) until recently.

This isn't the first time I've prematurely claimed a name online. A week before getting engaged (keeping a surprise under wraps has never been my husband's strong suit), I secured an e-mail address with my future married name. Two months before giving birth I locked one down for my daughter (she'll thank me in 12 years). I registered on Facebook about a year before I actually started using it. The souvenir Arizona license plate with my name on it that I got at the Phoenix airport 23 years ago is still in my possession (which has nothing to do with an online name, but I like my name on stuff nevertheless).

After much thought and minimal research, I finally decided to start following people on Twitter: my husband, Sarah Silverman, Michael Ian Black and Gail Collins (although I realized a few days ago that Gail hasn't Tweeted since Nov. 12, 2008, so I'm not sure she really counts).

I wanted to follow David Sedaris, but when I saw that he was following Kim Kardashian and Ricky Martin, I concluded it wasn't the David Sedaris I had in mind. Not that David Sedaris the writer is necessarily incapable of watching reality shows on E! or listening to Menudo, but if you're a fan of his, chances are you sort of hope he doesn't do either.

Lately there are other Tweeters whose pages I look at somewhat regularly, too. Like the cast of MTV's The Hills (particularly the secondary and tertiary characters). But it's really not cool to admit that, so far be it from me to officially follow them.

From the little time I've spent on Twitter, it seems that unless you're super famous, super infamous, super rich or super funny (like some guy called @S--tMyDadSays), you pretty much have to follow lots of people in order to get lots of followers. Nevertheless, I'd like to be the exception and just keep following my four people (although Gail Collins will likely be replaced soon if she doesn't Tweet anything new) and have people follow me en masse anyway even though I am none of the above.

Last Saturday I decided to follow Barack Obama after seeing he had more than 2 million followers and was following about three quarters of a million people. I figured the chances he'd follow me were quite good (one in three, I thought). But when he didn't jump on my Twitter bandwagon after a few hours I unfollowed him. It was sort of empowering to dump the leader of the free world. This must have been how France felt in 2003.

It's not entirely surprising the president didn't opt to follow me, though. Nine Tweets into my Twitter tenure, I've said nothing witty, insightful or even remotely interesting. I barely even read what I write (except to spell check, of course).

Fifteen people are currently following me. One of them is doing it just because we have the same name. Another, I'm pretty sure, is just following me so I'll click on his porn links. At least three of them don't seem to know me or update their accounts, so I suspect they're following me by accident. My husband has to follow me because that's what marriage is all about (even if the cantor never mentioned it during our wedding ceremony).

It was surprising to me that my husband signed up for Twitter and actually uses it a fair amount since he always claims to be averse to technology (although a Facebook account and a BlackBerry later, he should probably stop saying that). He has a decent Twitter following (or, more than three times as many followers as me). Not that it's a competition, of course. (But as of press time I do have 12 more Facebook friends than he does.)

What I'm really supposed to be doing on Twitter is a bit of a mystery to me. And what I think I'm supposed to be doing I don't think I should do -- after all, there's nothing more embarrassing than an ordinary Joe trying to be pithy and droll and failing. I just keep seeing things on other people's pages like TinyTwitter, Tweetie, UberTwitter, TwitterBerry and TweetGenius, and I feel like a TwitterMoron because I have no idea what any of it means.

The founder of Twitter was the subject of a New York Times piece last week about how he's made no money on the site and is just trying to build its value. I'm pretty sure that's code for he's puzzled about its purpose, too. As far as I can tell, Twitter is for people more sophisticated or popular than me, or for those who really, really want to ensure that if their tree falls in the forest, someone will read about it in 140 characters or less.

Emmys Worst-Dressed 2009: See Who Bombed On The Red Carpet (PHOTOS, POLL)

2009-09-21T17:00:50Z

Every red carpet has its hits and misses, and Sunday's Emmy Awards was no exception. While some stars stole the show (see the Emmys Best-Dressed), others fell flat. From an Obama dress to whatever Phoebe Price had going on, see who had the most head-scratching dresses and vote for who takes the cake.

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Zandile Blay: The Good, The Bad, The Barack Obama: Emmy Style Rundown

2009-09-21T00:02:53Z

After our first attempt at critiquing award show fashion together, Julee Wilson, fashion editor at Real Simple magazine and I decided to join forces again to critique what worked, what didn't and what threw us for a loop.

Full disclosure: this show was so good it was bad. Both guys and gals were in rare form, wearing event, age, and body appropriate ensembles that were often flat out dazzling (Neil Patrick Harris in that white jacket anyone?). But alas, this isn't a laundry list, it's an edited one and so we restricted ourselves to five outfits or less per category.

Applaud our herculean effort while you enjoy and discuss!

THE GOOD
Glenn Close

Fair enough: from the front, this dress might seem a touch ordinary. But like a mullet, all the fun is in the back: the dress boasts sexy cutouts which are visible once Close turns around. Those of us who witnessed her acceptance speech during the Emmy's can attest.

Ginnifer Goodwin

Why does this work? It's sleek, chic, and simple. The rich purple color flatters Goodwin's complexion and she hit the right note with a bold, chunky neck piece which manages to compliment her gown without competing with it.

Hayden Panettiere

Between you and me and Julee, I still don't get the big deal with this girl, but I totally get the big deal with this dress: it is absolutely divine. Yeah, the Kool-Aid color and girly ruffles give it a prom-dress vibe, but the luxe fabric and intricate details elevate it beyond that.

Heidi Klum

Klum looks so glam and chic in her form fitting maternity gown that she almost makes us want to get in the family way. (Then we reflect on the cost of child care and take a chill pill.)

Carrie Preston

No doubt about it, Preston should have picked another pair shoes to complete this outfit. But poor shoe choice withstanding, this dress dazzled us. The color was bold, and the silhouette -- accented with a belt -- felt different from the grand, gauzy gowns which floated down the red carpet.

THE BAD

Shirley McClaine

Yeah, you could say it's just a bad photo, but we counter that it's just a bad outfit. Real bad. McClaine piles on her accessories in a haphazard and unbecoming way. A stylist should have definitely intervened on this one.

Jessica Lowndes

The peek-a-boo bra, oversized bow-tie belt and strappy sandals all look good -- separately. Together, they make this young 90210 starlet look more silly than stylish.

Christina Applegate

Applegate's beautiful smile and chic hair is as good as it gets. Everything else is downhill.

Shar Jackson

We're too dazzled and distressed by the fabric of Shar's gown to even comment at this point. Moving along....

Sarah Silverman

Surely, this was meant as a joke. The comic's petite frame is swallowed up in volumes of electric blue fabric resulting in a look that's more tragic than stylish. Plus her neck looked painfully bare (diamonds please!), while the hem of her dress looked painfully wrinkled.

THE BARACK OBAMA
Victoria Powell

Don't know what your political leanings are, but us? We're Style-O-Crats. As such, this stylish homage to Mr. President is tops with us. Kudos to Powell and her seamstress for pulling this custom creation together.

All photos from TMZ.

Read more from Zandile on her daily fashion blog, The Blay Report.

Sarah Silverman's Mustache: Comedian Dons Fake Facial Hair During Emmys Broadcast (PHOTO)

2009-09-20T22:54:03Z

Comedian Sarah Silverman donned a faux mustache tonight during the Emmy awards as Justin Timberlake read the nominees for best actress in a comedy. When the camera cut to Silverman, who faced off against Toni Collette (who ultimately won for her work on Showtime's "United States of Tara"), Tina Fey, Christina Applegate, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Mary-Louise Parker for the honor, she had an unexpected surprise for the audience.

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Sarah Silverman And Ed Helms Talk Horrible New York Apartments, Fighting Rats At UCB (VIDEO)

2009-08-18T10:58:47Z

Sarah Silverman made a surprise appearance at UCB Theatre on Saturday night, appearing as the special guest for Seth & Ed's Puppet Talk Show at the venue's Del Close Marathon.

Silverman and host Ed Helms, star of The Office, swapped apartment horror stories about fighting rats, neighbors with bullets, and padlocked bathrooms.

WATCH:

Ellen Sterling: Joan Rivers: "I'm at a Good Moment"... and She's Back in Las Vegas

2009-08-12T12:45:49Z

Having been surrounded by protofeminists when I was growing up -- professional women who were way ahead of their times -- I've always been drawn to women who are talented, who are out there blazing a trail and who are out there speaking out.

One of those women is Joan Rivers and, in anticipation of her appearance at The Venetian in Las Vegas later this month, I was really pleased to have the opportunity to speak to her. Once again, I broke the cardinal rule of interviewing and told her I am a fan. (Didn't mention that she's the only person I can think of who could have caused me to watch Celebrity Apprentice.) She responded very positively and put me at ease: "Good, I'm glad you are because I'm eating a bagel while we talk so we can both relax."

As is clear from the above, we spoke by phone. She was in Pennsylvania preparing to go on QVC to sell her jewelry line. Asked how that started, she recalled, "During one of the down periods of my career and someone came to me and asked if I'd be interested in selling jewelry on QVC. My first reaction was, 'ick,' because at that time it meant your career was over. But I decided to do it. In the beginning I designed everything myself. But, now we're a 20 year-old company and we have two designers."

That QVC experience is probably one of the reasons Celebrity Apprentice intrigued her. "That was wonderful because I am very entrepreneurial and I love being given a challenge and figuring it out. That's what the show it."

But, of course, Joan Rivers is above all a comic, a no-holds-barred, tell-it-like-I-see it performer. "Nothing is off-limits. I'm perfectly willing to talk about most everything. I was talking about 9/11 on 9/12."

And, asked who makes her laugh, she names others with a similar approach to comedy: "Sacha Baron Cohen, Sarah Silverman, Kathy Griffin, Jeffrey Ross. You know," she adds, "comics are smart. No one seems to figure that one out."

To those who would censor her -- or others -- for their material, she simply says, "If it's funny it ain't dirty. Just laugh and calm down."

Rivers believes, "Comedy is all DNA. My father was funny and my grandmother had a sense of humor. My sister is a lawyer and is funny," she says, adding with obvious pride, "She was the youngest woman to graduate from Columbia Law School."

But, even with all that wit in her DNA, Rivers recalls that when she unveiled her plan to go into show business, her family "didn't talk to me for a year. Looking back, I understand it. My father was a doctor. Every time a prostitute walked into his office she'd say, 'I'm an actress.'"

Her career, however, doesn't stop at comedy. She's an actress, screenwriter, author, director an d has won a multitude of awards. The one area in which she has run into a wall is late night talk TV. When she had the temerity to sign on as host of a late night show on Fox, she was fired as Carson's permanent substitute host and, she reported, he never again spoke to her.

"The networks are still very much an old boys club. They think women at night just want to watch men. I'd love to have my own late-night talk show and I think I could take them all. But, if it is, it is."

A frequent guest on talk shows, Rivers was last weekend the subject of a Comedy Central Roast and she enjoyed the experience immensely. When it was mentioned that one viewer especially enjoyed Mario Cantone's take on her Hebrew name ("NipTuch," pronounced with just the right gutteral Hebrew "h") she laughed. "Isn't he great? The whole thing was great."

Rivers has a new series on TV Land called How'd You Get So Rich? during which she visits self-made millionaires to ask how they did it. The first one was a man who invented what he calls "Billy Bob Teeth," described as ideal for those who ae "Tired of sexual harassement? Need a change in yer social life?" They are filled with decay, malformation and all those other items that will serve to slow a wearer's social life. They've also come out with a line of pacifiers.

The idea, Rivers says, "... is brilliant. They've sold $74 million. How smart was that?"

An inveterate shopper, Rivers was pleased to hear about the shops at The Palazzo, adjacent to The Venetian -- especially about Bauman Rare Books. "When you write this," she joked,"say I had to leave to visit Bauman. It sounds great."

Her engagement at The Venetian marks her return to Las Vegas for the first time in several years and she is eagerly anticipating the gig. Her audience, she's quick to point out, covers just about all demographics.

"It's been so long that I'm coming into Las Vegas as a novice. I get a young crowd -- people that never heard the name 'Carson.' And that's great. And I get people from Pennsylvania, New Mexico, Oregon -- from everywhere. You get a cross-sections. Because of this, I always knew who would win an election before election day. I love it.

"I also love it that I'm so politically incorrect."

Rivers is as open about her personal life as she is about her opinions. Asked about her daughter, she quickly responds, "My daughter's amazing and surprisingly a great mother."

How was she as a mother? "I think I was a terrific mother. I was there, I was a class mother, I did it all. I'd block out those dates and from 6:30 on no phone calls. I was there for Melissa and I don't regret a second of it."

Melissa's father, Edgar Rosenberg, committed suicide and Rivers speaks often and openly of her feelings about that. "I work so hard with suicide survivors. I turn everything into humor. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm still angry with him. Look what he missed."

Joan Rivers today is very content. "I'm 76 years old. I'm at a good moment and I know it's a good moment. That's the thing about age -- when it's good you know it."

We discussed aging for a few minutes and I quoted something (from an unlikely source) that I find helpful when I think of the negative aspects of growing older. That is, "If you stop the clock, you have no future." Rivers paused and contemplated that for a moment. "Very wise. Who said it?" Told it was the response to an interviewer who asked singer Tom Jones how he feels about aging, she just said, "Hmm. He's right."

Meanwhile, Joan Rivers may be 76, but she clearly has not intention of slowing down. She continues to live by a philosophy that has served her well: "Do what you want. It's so important. I'm sitting here are 76. I have a wonderful life."

In closing, Rivers recalls something her grandmother said and adopts it as her own: "I pray for my grandchildren they should always want. Go forward in life."

As she does.

Joan Rivers will be at The Venetian Thursday through Saturday, August 27-29. Tickets are $38.25 to $138.25. You can purchase them online at The Venetian.

Ariston Anderson: The Webby Award Speech: the original Twitter

2009-06-09T18:45:54Z

Last night Seth Myers hosted the 13th Annual Webby Awards at the Wall Street Cipriani, a location that symbolized one more example of how new media is replacing the bankers as the industry du jour. "If you love the Oscars, but wish there were fewer celebrities and more awards," then this is the ceremony for you. What had historically been an event that takes all night, this year's ceremony was edited down to People's Voice Top 10, Famous Selections, Randomizer choices, and achievement awards. And when it came to celebs, the room was not too shabby: Jimmy Fallon, Cameron Diaz, Lake Bell, Lisa Kudrow, Martha Stewart, Trent Reznor, Molly Sims, Alessandra Ambrosio, Isabella Rossellini, Sarah Silverman, Charlie Rose, and all the way from the Muppets, Beaker.

The point of the Webbys is not a traditional award ceremony, as the winners are announced online weeks in advance. The real competition of the night lies in who has the best speech. Some might call the Webby Awards the original Twitter. The best of the Web is delivered in a concise, informative manner, giving us a lot of information in few words. But where Twitter allows for 140 characters, the Webby Awards allows for a mere five words, putting the pressure on award winners to deliver something funny, smart, and memorable.

The concept of the five-word speech was a reaction to years of listening to ten minute boring acceptance speeches of companies talking about people no one knew about. The best speeches over time have included Al Gore ("Please don't recount this vote"), Stephen Colbert ("Me. Me. Me. Me. Me."), and the Beastie Boys ("Can anyone fix my computer?"). It's a tough, slightly drunk, crowd that won't be afraid to heckle or denounce any speech. And this year, the pressure was on even higher to give a speech worthy of a retweet.

One person who wasn't limited to the five word speeches was host Seth Myers. "I'm taking advantage of the fact that tonight I can say like a million words, and everyone else is super limited," he told us before the show. "The power is palpable."

Myers, who had also hosted last year knew the pressure of making a good speech: "I feel like you could probably remember about three of them, so you want to be one of the three people that you remember when you leave. I've seen some good ones last year, so there's a lot to look forward to, but mostly I'm looking forward to my million words."

We spoke with Webby Executive Director David-Michel Davies, who has seen years of hits and misses to find out what makes a great speech. "Speeches should have a lot to do with who you are and where you're from." Several sites nailed it year, including 1000 Awesome Things: "Short acceptance speeches, awesome," as well as Yahoo for Flickr, as the winner raised his camera to photograph the Cipriani audience and said: "Can everyone get closer together?" And YouTube Live hit it on the mark with "Hallelujah for short attention spans." "Also, don't say 'I would like to thank,'" Davies advised. "We've seen that one before." Unfortunately, we also saw it as the first speech of the night, from Great Works.

Davies also saw the Twitter connection, and told Twitter co-founder Biz Stone, who was accepting the award for Webby Breakout of the Year, that the pressure was on him. "He's like a master of the short. We've got the five-word speech. If anybody out there is supposed to deliver, I think it's him, so we'll see." Stone did deliver, announcing "Creativity is a renewable resource," to much applause.

Certainly Twitter was the ongoing joke of the evening as Myers continually referred to the site, saying this is the year we've spent explaining twitter to our parents. Myers loved how Time Magazine recently applauded Twitter. "I love when old media praises new media," he said. "That's like an old man praising the tennis pro his wife is f----ing." And finally, "Ashton Kutcher is not here. I just wish there was a way to know what he is doing."

One person who has clearly cracked the Twitter mystery is NYTimes.com writer David Pogue. "I was sort of a skeptic and cynic at the beginning. But I saw how people were using it, how people could get instant answers to any questions. I'm kind of manipulating it for my own reporting needs," he admitted to us. And because of Twitter, he won a lucrative book deal. His followers answer a question he poses every night, and the best answers are published.

The pressure from master Twitterer to master speech giver was on Pogue. "I read some of the ones from last year and personally what bothers me are the ones that no one would get but like three people, this really insidery thing. So, I'm trying to go for something that everyone will get." Pogue had about a dozen speeches prepared, and didn't choose until the final moment. The Twitter/Webby connection was one candidate of his: "Speeches would work well on twitter," but he ended up pushing in the Slinky-like trophy on stage: "A Bedspring? Tough economic times."

Many of the celebs we spoke to on the red carpet admitted they hadn't quite decided on their speeches yet. Sarah Silverman, told us on the red carpet, "I still have to come up with it." What she came up with: "Holocaust, did it happen? Yes."

When asked what makes the perfect Webby Speech, Lisa Kudrow responded in three words: "I. Don't. Know." She was equally baffled on stage, counting the words on her hands: "Well, thank you. Oh God...." Trent Reznor told us, "You're talking to the wrong guy. You should ask Al Gore that one." The Nine Inch Nails frontman commented on the album Slip which debuted for free on his website in 2008: "Wait, we didn't charge anything?"

Humor reigned in the speeches. The Onion took to the stage with: "Free all attractive political prisoners." It got a few chuckles, but most of the audience was expecting more from the Webby Humor award winner. The prize for most memorable goes to an Animoto executive, who in the spirit of Soy Bomb took to the stage, stripped off his suit, revealing zebra leggings, a metal hair wig, and a hot pink headband: "Ahhhh...thank you New York!"

The exec from Discovery communications looked at his watch around 8:30 PM and said, "When do we get dinner?", a sentiment shared with many in the room. A man in a suave white suit from the Economist shouted "Read a f---ing newspaper!" And Arianna Huffington, who had solicited the community for a good speech responded, "I didn't kill newspapers, ok?"

A woman from Huge was heckled and booed after going over the allotted five words with "All of our best times are ahead." But the greatest heckles were reserved for someone from the Internet famous group, Bill O'Reilly's producer of the unseen footage, who announced: "Film and television, blow me." Ever quick on his feet, Myers responded, "The randomizer group was way more polite. Even Internet famous makes you a little dicky."

Molly Sims, who accepted for Funny or Die's "Proposition 8, the musical" strutted to the stage with a group of computer geeks and announced into the mike: "I'm not with these guys." And the most endearing speech came from a gentleman from the Netherlands, who used his five words to propose to his girlfriend.

Beaker, who was awarded for his online rendition of "Ode to Joy" tried to deliver his five meeps into a microphone from the balcony, but ended up being electrocuted by the poor sound system. Seth MacFarlane accepted via video conferencing: "What is this for again?" And after Cameron Diaz presented to Jimmy Fallon, his response was "Thank God Conan got promoted."

The privilege of the last word was awarded to Webby Lifetime Achievement winner and inventor of the World Wide Web Sir Tim Berners-Lee, who perfectly summed up the sentiment of the evening: "Free. Open. Keep one Web."

THE 12 SEXIEST COMICS IN AMERICA (SLIDESHOW)

2009-05-28T16:22:15Z

This week we asked you who the sexiest comics were on the scene, mostly because we have a thing for funny people. We chose 15 men and 15 women and after days of voting we found that our readers love the women of "SNL" and the men of the "Daily Show." Who knew? Of the top six women, four were cast members of "Saturday Night Live" at some point. Of the top six men, four are currently on the "Daily Show" and another (Colbert) started out there.

In all fairness, there are some people that should've been on these lists in the first place but we ran out of room/forgot to include them: Mindy Kaling, Wanda Sykes, Janeane Garofalo, Jason Jones, Craig Ferguson, David Letterman, we are truly sorry and think you're all seriously sexy. Also, Sherri Shepherd and Zach Galifianakis, you are amazing, don't let your last place finishes tell you anything except that there are some jealous haters out there.

Here are our top 12 reader picks...

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Funny & Fine: Who's America's Sexiest Comedienne? You Decide! (SLIDESHOW) (POLL)

2009-05-26T18:41:28Z

We've selected 15 of the sexiest funny ladies we know for a HuffPost poll of ridiculous proportions. They're all hilarious, they're all more comedienne than actress, and they're all smarter than you. Think we're missing someone? Complain about it in the comments section! Want the guys list? Click here and vote for them too!

Paul Rudd Scores Best Dressed At 'I Love You, Man' Premiere: Red Carpet Recap

2009-03-19T07:12:28Z

If you'd like to watch the video version of our I Love You Man review you can see it at the bottom of the written review. But the moment I finally recognized his comedic genius was in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy where he played news reporter Brian Fantana. Peter immediately sets out to rectify the situation, embarking on a series of bizarre and awkward man-dates, before meeting Sydney Fife (Jason Segel, Forgetting Sarah Marshall), a charming, opinionated man with whom he instantly bonds. A lot of comedies fail at providing strong supporting casts... but his one was every bit as funny as the leads in the film... and that's saying something. ¹

It gives me great pleasure that Paul Rudd was absolutely the best dressed male at last night's premiere for his new comedy "I Love You, Man". I'm not sure what else you can say about a really well put together suit, shirt and tie, but a "thank you" to his stylist is probably in order. Everyone from this year's MTV Movie Awards host, Andy Samberg, to former Movie Awards hosts, Sarah Silverman and Jack Black were in attendance. ²

I Love You Man Review (The Movie Blog)
Paul Rudd Scores Best Dressed At 'I Love You, Man' Premiere: Red Carpet Recap (MTV Movies Blog)

Read more: Sarah Silverman, Paul Rudd, Home News

Jimmy Kimmel Talks Break-Up: "She Couldn't Date An Imbecile Anymore" (VIDEO)

2009-03-09T11:59:55Z

Jimmy Kimmel showed up on "The View" Monday, dressed in drag as former co-host Rosie O'Donnell, and fielded questions about his recent, second break up with longtime girlfriend Sarah Silverman.

"The View" is in Los Angeles this week, and Kimmel walked about in a wig, clogs and wedding ring for his two-segment appearance.

Sherri Shepherd told Kimmel they feared he would no-show when news broke of his split.

Kimmel said, "The only thing better than breaking up is going on 'The View' right after you break up."

Asked what happened, Kimmel said, "What do you think happened? I'm a 41-year-old man with a bra filled with Koosh balls. I'm an imbecile. She couldn't date an imbecile anymore."

Walters then pressed him on if it's really all over, to which he sputtered, "I don't know, I mean, you know, I think, I don't know. Ask her. I don't know what's going to happen."

WATCH:

Sarah Silverman And JImmy Kimmel Split Again

2009-03-07T16:34:03Z

Despite a reconciliation that gave them both cause for laughs, late-night talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel, 41, and comedian Sarah Silverman, 38, have split, a source confirms to PEOPLE.

No reason was revealed for their second breakup. The funny duo dated for five years before they called it quits last July. But they rekindled their relationship just a few months later. "They're taking it slow," a source told PEOPLE last fall. "They're on the road back to being together."

Sarah Silverman Saved, Returning For Season 3

2009-03-03T17:20:50Z

"The Sarah Silverman Program" will be back for a third season on Comedy Central, following the resolution of four-day day standoff over planned budget cuts.

The cable channel has ordered a 10-episode season of its signature live-action series, which will now be co-financed with gay-oriented sister cable network Logo.

Rebellion Threatens Sarah Silverman's Show

2009-03-01T21:32:28Z

The economic downturn is jeopardizing "The Sarah Silverman Program," one of Comedy Central's signature series.

The show's creators -- Silverman, Dan Harmon and Rob Schrab -- have threatened to quit after the cable network told them the budget for their series would be slashed by more than 20%.

Inside The Vanity Fair Party: Movie Stars, Cigarettes And Masturbation Talk

2009-02-24T09:19:16Z

Several papers had sources and/or reporters inside Vanity Fair's post-Oscar bash Sunday night. See red carpet pictures of the bash here. VF also had a G-rated twitter of the night.

Some juicy blind items are towards the bottom. Speculate in the comments section!

According to the NY Post, it was THE party to be at, with guests leaving other bashes to come to Vanity Fair.

[The party] featured Kate Winslet clutching her Oscar, Vivi Nevo and fiancée Ziyi Zhang sitting with Brian Grazer, Wendi Murdoch and Phillip Dauman, and MySpace founder Chris DeWolfe huddling with Lyor Cohen at the inside bar.

Elsewhere, Madonna, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher threw a party, as they did last year, at Guy Oseary's house, but with less success. Rosario Dawson, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, Chris Rock, Sharon Stone and Jessica Biel left early for the Vanity Fair bash.

Sean Penn was there too, which was unexpected given that his film "Milk" had a party elsewhere.

The New York Daily News, meanwhile, had an impressively thorough eavesdropper inside the function and observed Sully chatting up Buzz Aldrin and Ginnifer Goodwin being cozy with "He's Just Not That Into You" co-star Justin Long.
Some of what they overheard:

Penn's "Milk" co-star Josh Brolin told a pal, "I'm so tired and over all this," while his wife, Diane Lane, looked on wearily. "I've lost him again," she murmured. "We were almost out of here!"

Natalie Portman, meanwhile, was chided by a pal. "She's not drunk enough!" her buddy teased, prompting a slightly swaying Portman to respond, "Oh, you little s--!" His goading worked -- we saw the actress head toward the bar just moments later...

Amidst the glitz was a crew of comedians cracking jokes off to the side, including Sacha Baron Cohen, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jason Segal, Rashida Jones, Aziz Ansari and Danny McBride. The conversation ranged from Jewish culture to Rogen's query as to whether masturbation could be used "as a form of weight control."

Hill soon leaned in, announced he was "going home to smoke a joint" and disappeared.

Speaking of marijuana, the NY Post had this blind item:

WHICH actor snorted cocaine in the bathroom during an Oscar after-party, while a slimmed-down stoner actor smoked pot outside with his pals?

The New York Times had THIS blind item:

At the Vanity Fair party Sunday night, the Bagger bumped into a guy he knows who is involved in all manner of entertainment businesses. The Bagger noted how the man, someone with access to power in all of its manifestations, seemed to be prospering and was looking well for a middle-aged guy; perhaps he had even lost some weight. "What have you been dining on?" the Bagger asked.

"Twenty-year-olds," said the man, indicating the date off his shoulder.

And Us Weekly thought Madonna had a "fresh-looking face" at the party.

Jonathan Handel: WGA Awards Fete Slumdog, Milk, Mad Men, 30 Rock

2009-02-08T01:26:58Z

Slumdog Millionaire continued its winning streak this awards season, with Simon Beaufoy winning the 2009 Writers Guild of America award this evening for adapted screenplay. Dustin Lance Black won the award for best original screenplay for Milk. Slumdog has already won DGA, SAG, PGA and Golden Globe awards, and is a multi-award favorite for the Oscars. Milk has won SAG and PGA awards and is also a strong Oscar contender in multiple categories.

On the television side, awards went to the writers of Mad Men (drama), 30 Rock (comedy), Recount and John Adams in long-form categories, and In Treatment, Breaking Bad, and The Simpsons in various other fields. Controversially, among other awards was one for videogame writing (to Star Wars: The Force Unleashed). Some publishers declined to submit their titles for consideration, viewing the award as primarily an organizing tool for a guild seeking to gain a foothold in a non-unionized sector.

Writers are a more subdued bunch than actors, but the WGA Awards included a red carpet. Of course, the visiting actors attracted most of the attention. (It's a tough town for writers.) Sarah Silverman provided a touch of elegance . . .

. . . and Rainn Wilson of The Office and writing partner Aaron Lee looked spiffy as well:

The awards ceremony was held simultaneously in Los Angeles and New York, with attendees and honorees in each city. See below for a complete list of winners.

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SCREEN WINNERS

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Milk, Written by Dustin Lance Black, Focus Features

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Slumdog Millionaire, Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy, Based on the Novel Q and A by Vikas Swarup, Fox Searchlight Pictures

DOCUMENTARY SCREENPLAY

Waltz with Bashir, Written by Ari Folman, Sony Pictures Classics

TELEVISION WINNERS

DRAMATIC SERIES

Mad Men, Written by Lisa Albert, Jane Anderson, Rick Cleveland, Kater Gordon, David Isaacs, Andre Jacquemetton, Maria Jacquemetton, Marti Noxon, Robin Veith, Matthew Weiner; AMC

COMEDY SERIES

30 Rock, Written by Jack Burditt, Kay Cannon, Robert Carlock, Tina Fey, Donald Glover, Andrew Guest, Matt Hubbard, Jon Pollack, John Riggi, Tami Sagher, Ron Weiner; NBC

NEW SERIES

In Treatment, Written by Rodrigo Garcia, Bryan Goluboff, Davey Holmes, William Merritt Johnson, Amy Lippman, Sarah Treem; HBO

EPISODIC DRAMA - any length - one airing time

"Pilot" (Breaking Bad), Written by Vince Gilligan; AMC

EPISODIC COMEDY - any length - one airing time

"Succession" (30 Rock), Written by Andrew Guest & John Riggi; NBC

LONG FORM - ORIGINAL - over one hour - one or two parts, one or two airing times

Recount, Written by Danny Strong; HBO

LONG FORM - ADAPTATION - over one hour - one or two parts, one or two airing times

John Adams, "Episode 1, Join or Die," Teleplay by Kirk Ellis, Based on the book by David McCullough; "Episode 2, Independence," Teleplay by Kirk Ellis, Based on the book by David McCullough; HBO

ANIMATION - any length - one airing time

"Apocalypse Cow" (The Simpsons), Written by Jeff Westbrook; Fox

COMEDY/VARIETY - (INCLUDING TALK) SERIES

Saturday Night Live, Head Writers Seth Meyers, Andrew Steele, Paula Pell, Writers Doug Abeles, James Anderson, Alex Baze, Jessica Conrad, James Downey, Charlie Grandy, Steve Higgins, Colin Jost, Erik Kenward, Rob Klein, John Lutz, Seth Meyers, Lorne Michaels, John Mulaney, Paula Pell, Simon Rich, Marika Sawyer, Akiva Schaffer, Robert Smigel, John Solomon, Emily Spivey, Andrew Steele, Kent Sublette, Jorma Taccone, Bryan Tucker, Additional Sketches by Robert Carlock; NBC

COMEDY/VARIETY - MUSIC, AWARDS, TRIBUTES - SPECIALS

2008 Film Independent Spirit Awards, Written by Billy Kimball, Aaron Lee, Jennifer Celotta, Rainn Wilson; IFC/AMC

DAYTIME SERIALS

As the World Turns, Written by Jean Passanante, Leah Laiman, Courtney Simon, Lisa Connor, David A. Levinson, Peter Brash, Richard Culliton, Susan Dansby, Cheryl Davis, Leslie Nipkow; CBS

CHILDREN'S EPISODIC & SPECIALS

"Elmo's Christmas Countdown" (Sesame Workshop), Written by Joey Mazzarino; ABC

CHILDREN'S SCRIPT - LONG FORM OR SPECIAL

"Polar Bears" (The Naked Brothers Band), Written by Polly Draper; Nickelodeon

DOCUMENTARY - CURRENT EVENTS

"Bush's War: Part One" (Frontline), Written by Michael Kirk; PBS

DOCUMENTARY - OTHER THAN CURRENT EVENTS

"Secrets of the Parthenon" (NOVA), Written by Gary Glassman; PBS

NEWS - REGULARLY SCHEDULED, BULLETIN, OR BREAKING REPORT

ABC Weekend News, Written by Joel Siegel, Karen Mooney, David Muir; ABC

NEWS - ANALYSIS, FEATURE, OR COMMENTARY

"Yankee Stadium and the New Gilded Age" (Bill Moyers Journal), Writers Bill Moyers & Michael Winship; PBS

RADIO WINNERS

DOCUMENTARY

Black History Month, Written by Anthony J. McHugh; CBS

NEWS - REGULARLY SCHEDULED OR BREAKING

World News This Week, Written by Marianne J. Pryor; ABC

NEWS - ANALYSIS, FEATURE, OR COMMENTARY

Tributes, Written by Gail Lee; CBS

PROMOTIONAL WRITING AND GRAPHIC ART WINNERS

ON-AIR PROMOTION (RADIO OR TELEVISION)

Jericho: Two-Minute Drills, Written by Eric Jacobson; CBS

TELEVISION GRAPHIC ANIMATION

"Medical Animations" (CBS Evening News), David Rosen; CBS

VIDEOGAME WINNERS

VIDEOGAME WRITING

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, Writers Haden Blackman, Shawn Pitman, John Stafford and Cameron Suey, LucasArts

Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother) hosted the West Coast show, which was executive produced by Emmy Award-winning producer Cort Casady. Presenters scheduled to appear at the Los Angeles show included: Josh Brolin, Steve Carell, Frank Langella, Jon Hamm, Kate Walsh, Alfre Woodard, Sarah Silverman, Evan Rachel Wood, Bryan Cranston, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Sandra Oh, Dennis Haysbert, Taraji P. Henson, Zach Braff, Jamie Lee Curtis, David Krumholtz, Rob Reiner, and Garry Marshall.

John Oliver of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart hosted the East Coast show. The event was produced by Anne Marie Gaynor, supervised by Marsha Manns, and produced under the creative supervision of head writer David Steven Cohen. Presenters scheduled to appear at the show in New York included: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Talia Balsam, Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini, Marshall Brickman, Christopher Cerf, Alana De La Garza, Susie Essman, Tom Fontana, Judah Friedlander, Terry George, Nancy Giles, Gilbert Gottfried, Bill Irwin, Jack McBrayer, S. Epatha Merkerson, Aasif Mandvi, Ana Ortiz, Linus Roache, John Slattery, Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara, Paul F. Tompkins, Jerry verDorn, and Sam Waterston. Musical entertainment during the ceremony was provided by La Bamba and the Hubcabs. Also in attendance were: Tina Fey, Ethan Coen, Joel Coen, Robert Siegel, David Simon, and Simon Beaufoy.

The Writers Guild of America, West presented special honors to: William Blinn - Paddy Chayefsky Laurel Award for Television; Dustin Lance Black (Milk) - Paul Selvin Award; Carl Reiner and Victoria Riskin - Valentine Davies Award; Larry DiTillio - Morgan Cox Award; and Suso D'Amico for the WGAW's first-ever Jean Renoir Award for Screenwriting Achievement.

The Writers Guild of America, East presented special honors to: John Patrick Shanley - Ian McLellan Hunter Lifetime Achievement Award; Norman Stiles - Herb Sargent Award for Comedy Excellence; The Committee To Protect Journalists accepted by Board Chairman Paul Steiger and Executive Director Joel Simon - Evelyn F. Burkey Award for contributions bringing honor and dignity to writers everywhere; Chris Albers and Tom Fontana - Jablow Award for devoted service to the Guild; and Sarah Tobianski - John Merriman Award for Study of Broadcast Journalism at American University. In addition, the Writers Guild of America, East Foundation presented the first Michael Collyer Memorial Fellowship in Screenwriting to Sara Van Acker of New York University.

Anne Sullivan: Fashion Alert: Cruelty is so Last Season!

2009-01-22T12:40:33Z

While watching the inauguration with my own agenda, that of the millions of animals inhumanely killed for their fur, I was shocked, but very pleased, to see that Aretha Franklin wasn't wearing ANY fur. Not a single tuft anywhere on her coat or hat, which was just amazing. I once poked my head into her limo parked in Columbus Circle and explained to her why her wearing fur was cruel to animals...and offensive to me. The coat she was wearing may very well have been wool, but one step at a time I guess.

Michelle Obama and Jill Biden didn't have a stitch of fur on, either. Nor was Laura Bush wearing any fur and she looked quite sophisticated in her gray ensemble (which may have also been wool). Her daughters, the Bush twins, had no fur on and were actually wearing quite sensible coats. Sensible and the Bush twins in the same sentence? Never thought we'd see the day.

Oprah wasn't wearing fur. Nor was Beyonce, though her husband Jay-Z had a silly fur hat on. Hmmm, I didn't think she was the smarter half of the couple but am now reconsidering.

Other bold-faced names skipping the fashion faux pas were Sarah Silverman, Jessica Alba, Demi Moore, Martha Stewart, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Magic Johnson.

But wait, was that baby lamb skin around P. Diddy's collar? And how many animals died for that fur collar on Rosie Perez's coat?

Kate Capshaw, Steven Spielberg's wife, was swaddled in a coat that should have been vetoed by her stylist before being resurrected into the light of day.

Lynne Cheney had a big fur collar on her coat. Figures, with a husband who shoots at living creatures as a hobby (and I don't just mean ducks...).

But the worst violation of decency goes to Spike Lee's wife, Tonya Lewis, who was wearing an incomprehensibly large and grotesque fur (if 75 small animals lose their lives for a basic fur coat, I'm afraid to take a stab, pardon the pun, at how many died for this one). Spike's not off the hook either; he sported a fur collar and a Yankees hat with fur lining. Did they Do the Right Thing and show some consideration before flaunting their wealth, bad taste and lack of compassion during this recession? Not by a long shot.

Ariston Anderson: Obama's Inauguration: What You Didn't See On TV!

2009-01-21T22:48:13Z

Millions turned up to Washington to witness history. HBO exclusively broadcast the inaugural concert at the Lincoln Memorial with acts like U2 and Mary J. Blige. And record numbers tuned in on inauguration day to CNN for exclusive coverage like, "Obama wipes his nose" on the parade viewing stand. And millions more watched the live feed. We can't remember Washington ever being so cool. What follows are our most unforgettable moments from the inauguration festivities in honor of the 44th President Barack Hussein Obama.

Wyclef Jean doing backflips on the stage of the Green Ball and playing his guitar Jimi Hendrix style. Despite the event name, there were no hippies in sight. It was the future of environmentalism, from press kits on USB drive to an appearance by Treehugger founder Graham Hill.

Attending all the same balls as Hayden Panettiere. She was accompanied by Whaleman Foundation founder Jeff Pantukhoff, and D.C.'s Senator Paul Strauss. If given a spot in Obama's cabinet, Hayden told us, "I would probably choose a position that dealt with environmental causes."

But the Heroes star won't complain if our new Prez doesn't get to it tomorrow: "I hope that people also take into consideration how much he has on his plate."

D.C. Fashion. We never tired of seeing variations of the same flammable tiered gown worn by at least 18 women at each ball. We asked one woman where she got hers: Macy's.

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Sarah Silverman telling us backstage at the Declare Yourself party that she'd like to be Obama's barber. "Because his hair is easy, and it's always a good time to talk. And shockingly, because I have bad hair, I enjoy doing others."

Norman Lear, shushing all the chatterboxes in the crowd so he could speak. The world premiere of Keith Carradine's song, "I am a born again American." The original Declare Yourself spoken word poets following Jamie Foxx's beat-boxing. John Legend playing "Redemption Song."

Congratulating Senator Al Franken! N.B.S. telling us they wanted to redecorate the Whitehouse with Gucci and Louis Vuitton.

Cash Warren telling someone backstage, "You should meet my wife." Watching the Maroon 5 set from stage left. A crowd surrounding the DJ booth to take photos of Samantha Ronson, instead of dancing. A pouty Lindsay Lohan sipping a Red Bull in a corner. Giftbags full of sponsorship opportunities.

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Every man in the room using the line, "I don't want to brag, but I've met Obama," to hit on chicks. A man claiming he was the one who introduced Ben & Jerry to Obama . . . although he had no idea about "Yes, Pecan!"

Carrie Fisher dipping her hand in the white chocolate fountain at the Pajama Party, licking it off, then going back for more. Throwing glitter in everyone's faces. Dancing with Mo Rocca, who was wearing ducky pajamas with matching slippers.

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OBAMA HEADQUARTERS on every streetcorner! Makeshift shops selling official(?) inaugural swag.

Witnessing a hundred young people who decided to attend Do Something's social action bootcamp instead of sleeping in on the MLK National Day of Service. Tobin Van Ostern's, founder of Students for Obama, keynote speech, revealing the secrets behind the Obama Facebook launch.

Chasing the Jonas Brothers around the Huffington Post ball at the Newseum. Meeting the amazing Michael J. Fox and his son Sam (they have matching glasses!). Sting rocking out with will.i.am, and Marisa Tomei leaning over the balcony and singing along. The fact that nobody appeared to be liveblogging in a room full of bloggers. Arianna making sure to say hello to everyone. A New Years countdown to the new era complete with party hats and noisemakers.

Seeing protesters throw their shoes at a giant inflatable effigy, complete with Pinocchio nose, of George W. Bush in Dupont Circle.

Drinking limited edition Hennessy 44 at the Hip Hop Ball. Griff Jenkins wearing a paisley tuxedo. Bouncers throwing out two kids onto the street who snuck in to take pictures of T.I.

Being picked up by a taxicab with a cardboard cutout of Obama riding shotgun.

Realizing that because we failed to get up at 4:30 AM on swearing-in day, our tickets to the Inauguration were worthless . . . or maybe not? A cop who failed to let us into the stands advised us to sell our tickets on Craigslist: "They're going for four grand, at least."

The camaraderie in the crowd on Capitol Hill. The crowd joking that Dick Cheney threw out his back while destroying boxes of files.

The Google Bash lit by fluorescent lights. Sergey Brin hiding in the VIP section. Partygoers liveblogging and twittering and facebooking all night long. YouTube founder Chad Hurley posing with fans.

Rihanna congratulating Shakira on "playing that thing," at the Feeding America concert. That thing would be a harmonica.

After shelling out for tickets to the official balls, having to buy your own drinks. . . and even worse, having to stand on line to buy tickets before queuing up a second time to buy said drinks. Carnival prices: one ticket for a coke...four for a champagne. Couldn't they get a sponsorship?

The obligatory prom glamor shots in front of an Inaugural background. You could get yours framed for $120.

Hawaiian Jack Johnson proclaiming this to be the first concert he's performed in a suit, and the third concert he's played wearing shoes.

Millions waited in the cold for a glimpse of our new Presidential couple, and yet when they came out on stage, they watched the whole speech behind their camcorders.

Michelle whispering to Barack at their Home States Ball, "You're a great dancer." His response? "You're better." Michelle smiling when we screamed, "You're a lucky man, Obama!"

Joe Biden thanking Hawaii and Illinois for "producing Barack Obama."

Aubrey Plaza: Amy Poehler Casts Her Sidekick (VIDEO)

2009-01-15T08:33:37Z

Amy Poehler has a new sidekick.

The Hollywood Reporter reports:

Upright Citizens Brigade player Aubrey Plaza has landed a co-starring role opposite UCB alumna Amy Poehler on NBC's upcoming comedy series starring Poehler.

Plaza also has been cast in the Universal comedy feature "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" opposite Michael Cera.

NBC's untitled Poehler project, from "The Office" masterminds Greg Daniels and Mike Schur, is set in the office of Amy (Poehler), deputy chairman of the department of parks and recreations in Pawnee, Ind. Plaza will play April, an intern who shadows her.

Here is Plaza doing a Sarah Silverman impression:

Kim Morgan: Kim Morgan's Top Ten Movies Of 2008

2008-12-30T16:24:11Z

2008, the year of death, decay and the wisdom of the beautiful loser. The year movie stars examined their own mortality and fading beauty via their on-screen personas (Brad Pitt, Mickey Rourke and Clint Eastwood, who managed to be as cute as Sarah Silverman while delivering his racial humor -- I'm still wondering if that was his point -- and I'm still fond of his weirdly toned movie.) The year Heath left us and Mickey came back and Robert Downey Jr. became a superhero. The year that actually made me examine the deeper implications of Quiet Riot's "Bang Your Head" (real and appropiate title, "Metal Health"). With this in mind, here's my top ten movies of 2008:

The Wrestler

I never gave up on Mickey Rourke -- ever. One of my favorite actors, the mysterious, seductive American exotic with that whispery voice that was at once sexy and conspiratorial, the actor who always leans into his conversation, as if you were the only person in the world, never left my viewing. He's an odd guy, a tortured soul, but one of the screen's most exceptional players, an actor who can funnel his uniquely soulful strangeness into any part -- even opposite the Marlboro Man (not kidding) and especially in underrated movies like the surrealistic Double Team or the sublime Bullet (a movie everyone must see -- junkie Rourke drowning his inner city blues to the swooning sounds of Barry White is not to be missed). And let's not forget his bravura performances in The Rainmaker, Animal Factory and The Pledge in which (in his only scene) he gives us the most soul crushing moment of the entire picture. Sure, he's back, but he was still great. His first born again splash was Sin City, the good Frank Miller movie that gave the actor terrific reviews. But we couldn't really see him. After all, this is the same beauty who at one point was deemed the next Brando (with Diner, The Pope of Greenwich Village, Rumble Fish and Barfly), so I yearned to watch that face again, no matter how much older and odder it may appear these days.

Enter Darren Aronofsky's The Wrestler. And there's that face again! Nothing can take away inner charisma, and The Wrestler proves it. Rourke is the picture, and though there are many scenes I could discuss -- there's one that remains my favorite -- one that's so overwhelmingly touching, so disarming, you're a little amazed by how hard it hits you -- and it doesn't occur in the wrestling ring. It's a sequence showing Mickey Rourke's washed-up, stuck-in-the-'80s wrestler, Randy "The Ram" Robinson working at a supermarket deli. He hides his bleached-blond lion's pride underneath a plastic cap while doling out pasta mixes and specific slices for the purpose most of us can understand: to keep a roof over his head. But it's not simply the sadness of Randy's past glory submerged in a soul-crushing job that moves us -- it's because he's actually good at it and, even better, so sly and charming and entertaining to his customers, that you see both the innumerable possibilities for a man who chose bloody smack downs, self-inflected razor cuts and the fearsome folding-chair treatment as his life's work, and exactly why he was so great at it. And bless him for it. It's the kind of sacrifice that makes Rourke's character (and real-life persona) deserve every ounce of our love, even if he considers himself a "broken-down piece of meat." But then every moment in Aronofsky's raggedly beautiful, extraordinarily wistful, perfectly nuanced and wonderfully acted picture lifts itself above easy sentimentality and tired fallen champ axioms. This is partially for the director's gritty artistry and genuine soulfulness -- never once do we feel like he's mocking wrestling or Rourke's Randy, or rendering either as a pitiful joke. But it's mostly because of Rourke's naked, heart-wrenching, art-imitating-life performance. This is blood, sweat and tears (quite literally) on a whole other inspired level. I don't take the Oscars too seriously, but I swear, if he doesn't get nominated for The Wrestler, I'll ... I don't know ... take a cue from the movie, crank up "Sweet Child O' Mine" and start crying.

In Bruges

"There's a Christmas tree somewhere in London with a bunch of presents underneath it that'll never be opened. And I thought, if I survive all of this, I'd go to that house, apologize to the mother there, and accept whatever punishment she chose for me. Prison... death... didn't matter. Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know, I wouldn't be in fuckin' Bruges. But then, like a flash, it came to me. And I realized, fuck man, maybe that's what hell is: the entire rest of eternity spent in fuckin' Bruges. And I really really hoped I wouldn't die. I really really hoped I wouldn't die." So ends In Bruges, one of the year's most under-looked, and touching movies -- a movie that'll make you laugh at a gleefully offensive joke and then unexpectedly tear up over a tragic back story that somehow wrings sympathy over a man who shot up a church. A picture filled with rapid fire wit, dark, hilarious humor, vicious violence, curse words galore, surrealism, intense emotion, unpredictable action, redemption, faith and a deeply touching soul (not to mention a dwarf -- a dwarf who snorts lots and lots of cocaine), In Bruges never runs off the rails, but remains nicely contained in, of course, Bruges. The picture finds sensitive hit men (Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell in his greatest performance to date) stuck in the medieval Belgium town of Bruges as a sort of purgatory -- waiting for their newest job (or end) via brutal boss-man Ralph Fiennes (who can use the "c" word like nobody's business). Irish playwright Martin McDonagh makes his filmmaking debut here, and does not disappoint with sublime intelligence and un-PC humor that actually has a point beyond shock (so refreshing), you truly feel like these men talk this way. And that they really dislike Americans. Or, in the case of Ralph Fiennes, that they really can't stand their wife, at least for a brief moment. After smashing his phone so intensely that his wife irritatingly inquires as to why he would have such anger over an inanimate object, his furious answer is: "You're in an inanimate fucking object!" And it all takes place during Christmas -- which really ought to start a viewing tradition every fookin' year.

Pineapple Express

I still don't get many of the negative reviews regarding director David Gordon Green and producer Judd Apatow's Pineapple Express, especially when so many things I love about the picture are exactly what many critics disliked: the shaggy pacing, the lack of quippy-joke-a minute banter, the aimlessness, the nutty action finale, etc. and so on. I love the '80s touches from the music (Bell Biv DeVoe!), to Seth Rogen's car, to the hit men's clothes to...yes (!) Danny McBride. And then there's James Franco. I have a feeling that all of us "Freaks and Geeks" fans let out a collective "finally!" when we witnessed our James Franco (our Daniel Desario), give one of the greatest comedic performances of the year. As the dippy, sweet and secretly smart pot dealer who's passionate about not just weed, but, of all things, civil engineering (and his grandmother), Franco took what could have been a stock stoner character and ratcheted it five, 10 notches above the same old, same old. Creating a fully realized lovable loser whose fondness for his favorite customer (Seth Rogen) gives the movie its soulful center, it was Franco who touched us amid hilarious car chase sequences, massive explosions and giddily ridiculous, bloody gun battles. He's a sweet, understated goofball you absolutely fall in love with and without him, the movie wouldn't have moved us with its extra magic and spark. When he says he wants to make parks with septic areas for kids to shi* in, I believe him. With this, you totally get why Rogen comes to love him -- and truly, this movie plays like a love story between these two men (Dare I say more than Milk? I dare). Though the picture is clearly sending up '80s action movies within the stoner genre, I find it interesting that no one (from what I've read anyway) has mentioned any kind of deeper message regarding drugs laws in this country. Not sure if Apatow (and David Gordon Green) were making such a specific point, but after (spoiler alert!) the entire barn blows up and Kevin Corrigan really can't make it to dinner on time, because of essentially, a plant...I thought they had to have been thinking about this. The criminalization of pot is as absurd as Rogen dueling Gary Cole with marijuana light. Also, Franco, Franco, Franco. Afraid that the fine-featured, seriously handsome Franco would continue to brood in more Spider-Man movies or forgettable features like City by the Sea and Sonny, we finally got to see him flash that toothy, goofy smile of his. Forget Mary Tyler Moore; Franco's the one who can turn the world on with that thing.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

David Fincher knows how to use his muse Brad Pitt like the movie star he is -- and god bless him for it. He makes him a better actor in the process. As Fight Club's Tyler Durden, he was the man every guy wanted to be -- a bad-ass matinee idol/idea filled prankster glammed up in tight vintage leather, colorful tee shirts and lots of sexy bruises. In The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (adapted from the F. Scott Fitzgerald story), he's many things, and much more the beautiful innocent, and like all Fincher, never simply pretty. And yet, true to the director, he's always glamorous, even when wrinkled and tiny and barely walking. As the exceptional creature Benjamin, Pitt (with some remarkable makeup, effects and clothes) moves from older man baby (a curiously handsome old man baby), to craggy, Jack London-style tugboat worker (a great look, particularly during his affair with Tilda Swinton), to James Dean motorcycle riding hottie, to golden boy sailor, to the an almost creepy CGI vision of Pitt nearing age 20 -- something that I'm willing to bet even makes Pitt himself feel wistful (the woman next to me gasped at the rendered youth staring at her from the screen, as if she'd seen a ghost). Though the picture has been considered a bit corn-pone and Gump-ian, I find it to be neither of these things, especially with dark Fincher at the helm. Yes, this is the nicest movie he's ever directed, but the ideas of simply living your life, no matter what the setbacks, and the study of aging and decay -- mentally, physically and geographically (I know some were annoyed by the framing, but I thought Hurricane Katrina New Orleans made for a perfect setting -- as the extraordinary, and proudly odd place reflects the funky history of the picture's protagonist -- and like him, is as poignantly mortal, no matter how lovely) makes the picture almost overwhelmingly touching at times. Thanks largely to the beauty of Fincher's frames, and to beauty itself, Benjamin Button tells a relevant, eloquent story that touches you in mysterious ways (why am I losing it over Benjamin Button working in a parking kiosk?), but never forgets why movies are so intoxicating and, in this case, strangely beautiful in the first place.

Standard Operating Procedure

The great Errol Morris takes on the horrors of Abu Ghraib and doesn't simply wag his finger at the actions that took place -- he actually examines them through their pictures -- those famous thumbs up Lynndie England pictures that put us in touch with such degradation and provoked such varied responses. Showing the prison as a hell on earth (for everyone), Morris interviews the American soldiers from the photographs -- and allows them to explain themselves. Again, Morris isn't interested in merely judging these people, in fact we're left disgusted by their superiors, the expectations of softening up the prisoners for torture we didn't see in any photograph. And since this is Morris, a filmmaker with a wicked intelligence and real ideas, he furthers his study by creating a meditation on photography itself -- by showing so many photographs (many we've never seen) and pondering how even those were manipulated. All the while, he manipulates the pictures himself and at times, the movie presents the snaps so stylishly, there were moments I thought I was looking at a particularly grim Juergen Teller Marc Jacobs ad. By staring at these images, we again think of ourselves -- we see fear and power and the fear of those adminstering power, and we see how casual it all seems. And then we realize how, frequently, we casually look at it.

Slumdog Millionaire

I'm sick of people citing Danny Boyle for being an outsider bestowing his condescending wisdom on the poor Indian people. Or calling him a showy, shallow optimist more concerned with gimmick and flash and pleasing local color than the actual hardship painted so tragically and yes, gorgeously in Slumdog Millionaire. Here's the thing -- this is a movie movie -- something that leaves you so dazzled and jazzed from frame one, that you can't help but give in to its persistent cinema-mania, Bollywood nods, Dickensian tropes and of course, the edge-of-your-seat tension of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." But there's heart within all of this -- and it's not diminished by so many shiny objects. Boyle loves his story, loves the region and he loves his characters --especially gentle Dev Patel. You could say the movie is corny at times, but that's not fair. A loving mixture of Ragged Dick story gone Mumbai and a teenage fairy tale, the movie tackles poverty, death, corruption, violence, fate and the hope of young love. And dammit, they dance at the end. So uncross your arms, take that smirk off your face and enjoy the damn thing. Charles Dickens would. So would Rege, come to think of it.

Synecdoche, New York

I know a few people, all of them Charlie Kaufman admirers, who absolutely hated this movie. I witnessed a few strangers in the theater despise this movie, emerging from their annoyed torpor to shake their heads and say "what a load of self indulgent crap" (I felt like I was walking out of a bizarre-o Woody Allen movie only to walk into a real Woody Allen movie, with Kaufman serving as Fellini). I am not going to challenge such contempt -- and I'm not going to pull the "they just don't get it routine" either. No, they just don't like it, and I can understand why. OK. So why do I like it so much? Why did the movie get to me, and beyond attempting to figure out its labyrinthian plot and outside looking in meta-movie-within-a play structure? Like other movies I championed this year, Synecdoche dealt with failure and death and disgusting rot and self absorption and is-that-all-there- is-to-a-fire ponderances with such ballsy ambition and genuine soulfulness, I was left swooning with the idea that we are indeed, special and yet, not special at all. It's Benjamin Button's incredibly ugly brother showing his reality through his own kind of disorienting, head trip cinematic dreamscape.

The Dark Knight

Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight stuck with me -- it got under my skin in ways that surprised me hours later and, even better (or worse, depending on your mood) made me ponder everything from the hypocritical nature of mankind to current politics to, yes, the tragic loss of Heath Ledger -- something that's even more potently poignant while watching this wonderfully dark picture. As I had mourned earlier in an essay on Ledger, we've lost a major talent. The usual suspects are present of course: a fantastic Christian Bale -- one of the greatest actors working -- as Bruce Wayne, the legendary, sweet Michael Caine, the wonderfully understated Gary Oldman (playing a nice guy -- I love it) and the always reliable Morgan Freeman. Also appearing is Maggie Gyllenhaal, who replaces Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes (Gyllenhaal is a vast improvement -- intelligent and slinky -- you totally understand why a guy who can get whatever he wants, wants her). There's also Aaron Eckhart as District Attorney Harvey Dent -- primed to become Two Face and again, a brilliant, crazed and yet, oddly soulful Ledger. Which brings me to the heart of the, at times, sublime The Dark Knight -- as Ledger's Joker shows us (and forces upon Harvey Dent), the world is a place of two faces, of darkness and light, of organization and chaos. Gotham City's criminal underbelly is a reflection of a world we sometimes walk through with willful ignorance, not realizing we are part of such chaos and destruction. Or, at the very least, we allow it to happen around us -- as long as we're warned. The Joker doesn't want us to be warned -- he thrives on chaos, cannot be bought and has no glorious plan. He's the Tyler Durden of Super-villains and, as such, will become something of a cult figure with this character. His philosophy isn't exactly a new one (watch some film noir for prime examples) but Nolan and Ledger make it fresh and inspired. And since these ideas are universal, it's hard to not understand where The Joker is coming from. At times (and this might be a stretch for some, but not for me) it's even hard to dislike him. At times I fought the urge of punching my fist in the air in anarchic solidarity -- Ledger's Joker is my new evil hero. He's a psycho sexy beast of destruction. Believe the hype -- he's that great.

Let the Right One In

Bullies, snow, annoying mothers, curious fathers, swimming, teenagers, a female (or male) vampire and...Swedes. Oh yes and a massive cat attack. I'm not going to say watch this instead of Twilight since they are completely different kinds of movies (and I recommend Twilight). And I'm quite frankly, tired of people writing that. This is the sparer, darker and more depressing of the two teen vampire movies, for certain, but it's entirely its own movie -- nothing is like Let the Right One In. Directed by Tomas Alfredson (from a script by novelist John Ajvide Lindqvist) the disturbing, yet sweet coming of age story opens up all kinds of thoughts (and wounds) about obsession and teen angst and the willingness to take a major leap for love by letting, yes, the right one in. Or the wrong one who feels so right -- the one you never forget.

The Foot Fist Way

If last year was the year of Seth Rogen, then 2008 was the year of the hilarious, fantastically weird but strangely relatable Danny McBride. And sorry, Rogen fans, but McBride is funnier (something buddy Seth would probably concede). The inventive comic, who, a few years ago, toiled as a night manager at a Burbank Holiday Inn, burst on the screen in the span of one month, appearing in two major comedies, Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder, making such a uniquely riotous impression in both that even those who didn't remember his name could not forget his singular comedic talent (watch the way he walks out of the burning building at the conclusion of Express and wave ... genius). A protégé of Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, the two helped the North Carolina native secure a release for his hysterical The Foot Fist Way (McBride co-wrote the indie comedy in 2006), in which he plays a ridiculously overconfident yet strangely lovable tae kwon do instructor. I could go on but I don't need to explain any more. Just watch it. And yes, I'm totally serious -- it is one of the best movies of the year.

Read more Kim Morgan at Sunset Gun and Pretty Poison.

Jason Notte: The 10 Least Appropriate Moments in Christmas Music History

2008-12-12T13:03:53Z

It's roughly two weeks until Christmas and Americans have been subjected to nearly two months' worth of Christmas songs. This recession-style holiday season has been a Clockwork Orange-style assault on the senses, with hapless shoppers, commuters and television viewers bombarded by all things Bing and Blitzen.

Concealed in these carols and jingles, amid subliminal messages to keep shopping until you've poured every dollar of your tax cut back into Mama Economy, are some of the most horrendous holiday verses this side of Sarah Silverman's "Give The Jew Girl Toys." While there were far more examples of holiday sentiment that falls just short of peace on earth and good will toward men, these 10 show just how much of a jerk you can be around the holidays without anyone giving you hell for it. Argue all you want, but you have an uncle out there who flashes a schadenfreude smile every time one of these lines is uttered. Call him on it.

1. "And the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom. Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you."
"Do They Know It's Christmas" by Band Aid

Because that's exactly what the holidays need: More passive aggression. While we've come to expect this kind of treatment from Bono in the decades since Bob Geldof got a bunch of Brit rockers out of their cocaine-induced slumber to sing this ode to African starvation, the snarkiness seems less merited since we've gotten older. After all, Paul David Hewson, we're not the ones saying Africa is "where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow" when many of the continent's struggles are based around resources. Ask a villager in Nigeria how he or she is benefiting from the oil that country's exported, or ask homeless residents of Eastern Congo how much the coltan and copper mines are worth when rebels and corporate security forces have destroyed their homes. How about forgiving Africa's debt for Christmas? It beats getting all snarky with us every year.

2. "I really can't stay/Baby, it's cold outside."
"Baby It's Cold Outside," written by Frank Loesser

My sister often translates this verse to "I really can't stay/TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!" It's clear that the woman in this song has had enough of Johnny ComeOnTooStrong's lame holiday party and is willing to brave a blizzard just to be rid of him. The male lead, meanwhile, seems like the kind of guy who'd dispense with the singing and offer up some Roofie Nog were this exchange taking place in modern times. This crooning tactic might work in an episode of Mad Men, but in a fair world the only warm sensation this low-rent version of Christopher Walken's "Continental" character from Saturday Night Live should feel this holiday season is from the pepper spray boiling his retinas.

3. "But the last time I played Father Christmas, I stood outside a department store/A gang of kids came over and mugged me and knocked my reindeer to the floor." " Father Christmas" by The Kinks

The British like to get really violent in their holiday songs, which makes this only the first beatdown tune on our list. One would expect this from the Davies brothers, who aren't averse to jabbing the occasional kitchen utensil into each other, but few expect a great Christmas song in which Santa is the biggest asshole walking. "Just remember the kids who got nothin' while you're drinkin' down your wine," Ray Davies growls before retelling the story of Santa's mugging and making us all feel like a bunch of overfed dandies in the process. And you thought the bell ringers were aggressive.

4. "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" by Gene Autry

Reindeer are bastards, plain and simple. They mock their nasally illuminated colleague until he does all their work for them and then blow sunshine up his tail only when he's finished. Was being included in a game of "Eat The Tundra" or a crappy Ben Affleck film really worth schlepping fat boy around the globe all night? No. With any luck, Rudolph's red-nosed friend Ted Kennedy will deny Santa's homogeneous little North Pole corporate operation a bailout on grounds of discrimination. Enjoy your new life as a political adviser.

5. "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away." "Last Christmas" by Wham!

This song is a direct rebuttal to people who say nobody gets hurt by day-after-Christmas exchanges and sales. Let's just say George Michael's heart was, oh, a 15-piece fondue set. Let's further say that the person he gave it to had blathered on all year about wanting to throw a fondue party where he/she could use the cheddar chipotle fondue recipe they'd seen on the Food Network. George Michael was not only a good friend all year by listening to that terrible story over and over, but thought about that person enough during December to actually do something about it. Now imagine that person exchanged said fondue set for towels. Damn right he's giving it to someone special next year, you selfish prick.

6. "I have no gift to bring (parumpapum-pum), to lay before the king (parumpapum-pum)." "Little Drummer Boy" by the Harry Simeone Chorale

Congratulations, Little Drummer Boy, you're now worse than the "wise" man who brought myrrh to the manger. Not only did you come empty handed, but the racket you're making with that drum is probably going to keep that baby up until the wee hours. That thing Mary said about your playing? She was saying it to be nice. A few seconds earlier, she was all "Oh great, the Little Drummer Boy" to Joseph before sticking two fingers down her throat and making a puking sound. Don't you know who this kid's father is? Good luck playing that drum in the Brimstone Marching Band next to snare drummer Pol Pot and bass drummer Idi Amin, you cheapskate.

7. "I'm so hard to handle, I'm selfish and I'm sad and now I've lost the best baby that I ever had." "River" by Joni Mitchell

If there was a Lehman Brothers Christmas party this year, this track would play on repeat. This somber-assed song is difficult enough to stomach as it is, but Joni's admission that it's her own fault makes it even worse. Just because a certain blonde Canadian songstress couldn't get it together and work things out with a guy she has pretty obvious feelings toward doesn't mean that every party in the Christmas-celebrating world should be brought to a screeching halt by this downer anthem. Somebody introduce her to Dan Fogelberg's male lead from "Same Old Lang Syne" so they don't come crying to us each holiday season.

8. "Trevor liked the music, but not the unity, so he unwound Haji's turban and dropped him to his knees." "Oi To The World" by The Vandals

The second brutal holiday beating on our list comes from a band that only wishes it were British: Southern California's own Vandals. Before ethnic violence gained cachet in post-9/11 America, the Vandals made it into a Christmas carol about an oi band frontman of vague ethnicity who found himself at odds with a local skinhead. The two decide to settle their differences on Christmas morning in a rooftop fight featuring swords and nunchucks. As in most Christmas carols, a resolution is achieved when Haji uses his turban to stop Trevor's bleeding and the two adjourn for drinks. To recap: Racism + Violence + Oi punk + Bourbon = Christmas cheer.

9. "I came to Earth via meteorite, to rock you all on the mic."
"Christmas Rappin'" by Kurtis Blow

In fairness, this 1979 track was hip-hop's first foray into the holiday format. It was also a noble effort by Kurtis Blow, who had to figure out a way to rock a party and tell the story of Santa Claus over a disco beat. Christmas isn't Krush Groove, though, and braggadocio that moves Sprite just sounds kind of silly when you're rhyming about St. Nick. Fortunately, Run DMC would set the template and secure hip-hop's place in Christmas lore nearly 10 years later with their holiday in Hollis.

10. "Fuck Christmas, Fuck Christmas, Fuck Christmas, Fuck Christmas..."
"Fuck Christmas" by Fear

With the exception of one appearance on Saturday Night Live back in 1981, you get the impression that Fear didn't make it up to Rockefeller Center too often. The holiday spirit, however, might have moved them to piss on the tree.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Meghan Peters: An International Community Endorsement for Obama

2008-11-04T20:33:23Z

A lot of people criticize Barack Obama for his lack of foreign policy experience -- and that's a valid point of view when one considers his short-lived political career. But it occurred to me during my time living in Beijing that assuming he won't succeed in global affairs because of this is almost ridiculous.

Why?

Because it seems a good portion of the international community is rooting for him.

When the Democratic National Convention was going on, all eyes at China Daily were glued to Barack and Michelle Obama on CNN. Though Hilary Clinton was a big favorite among my Chinese colleagues, Obama riled a similar excitement and hope in my British, Canadian and New Zealander friends as he does in me. To them, the United States is behind the times and Obama is the answer to speeding-up the progressive mentality that has been lacking in America, bringing it to a similar level of other Western democracies.

For Daniel Vincent, a China Daily copy editor from London, Obama becoming president would make the idea of the U.S. as an ethnic melting pot a reality. Vincent said ideals like this are what draws foreign youngsters to admire U.S. culture. When one looks at it as the home of Disney and Hollywood, America can seem glamorous to a middle school student. It's when he and friends started taking foreign policy classes in high school and university that they came to dislike the U.S.

In fact, another Londoner, Josephine McDermott, thinks she and the rest of the world should get an international vote in the U.S. presidential elections since we're the ones who "start all the wars," she said.

It wasn't a surprise to me that all my non-American friends disliked the U.S.' political decisions, but I didn't expect the repercussions it would have on their feelings toward the country in general. With the exception of Vincent (who hopes to visit California to experience that glamour of Disneyland and Hollywood) none of my foreign friends had the desire to come to America. They offered to meet up with me in Canada or maybe Mexico some day, but in my home country? There was no chance.

According to comedian Sarah Silverman, Obama is the best way to end our reputation as the "assholes of the universe." I agree. He really is the polar opposite of what's gotten us into this mess in the first place. And I think it will say a lot about Americans' open-mindedness if he gets elected, which, in turn, will give us some much-needed credibility in the rest of the world.

When it comes down to it, Obama's success in foreign policy won't be measured by his experience, but by the world's perception of his ideals and integrity. In fact, some foreigners were surprised when I told them many Americans were concerned about Obama's lack of experience with world issues. To them, it's about America adopting an administration that cares about the advancement of its people and the rest of the world in alliance as an international community. With the values Obama has promoted, it's clear he's the best choice to make this happen.

If they get it, why can't we? Let's stop being one step behind the rest of the world.