Sex on The Huffington Post

Sebastian Siegel: Sweaty Sex and Alan Watts

2009-12-23T11:06:21Z

In a conversation about the world's major religions, and contextually then about Zen - we were discussing Alan Watts and a friend said, "You know, Watts was just making this stuff up." I couldn't help but sense a fragment of disenchantment with this author who was one of few that could inject radical humor into the subject matter in a way that captured many minds including that of the critic.

I was thinking that many authors and scholars feel Watts doesn't deserve the following and adoration because of his narrowly specified writings on Zen - or that he's a whiskey slinging relative contemporary, or perhaps because he so enjoys paradoxically twisting complexity into deliciously sweet and tangible insight - as if only things both serious and looooong dead and gone should be romanticized. But, I thought, hasn't the deep truth and message of spirituality remained the same and so isn't it gorgeous to bring humor, eccentricity and a delicious expression to it all.

And then I thought about how hierarchically obsessed intellectuals jilt Kahlil Gibran for being pop and fundamental i.e., for young students. But would you jilt the rudimentary and widely observed feelings of loud laughter, sweaty sex, the adoration of a wide-eyed child, or quenched thirst?

Indeed the message IS the same, and it's beautiful, and it's coming out of every one of us - or rather, we're coming out of it. And I think I'll continue to pay attention to those voracious lovers and darers of life, the risk takers, and the committed, like Watts. The voice, the rhythm that rocks my soul to the core and impregnates me with the will to be a messenger of this music in my own ridiculous way - and even if only for a few juvenile ears. If they'll watch the neck of the bull, then let them "see the eye of the angel". Born out of this world and into this magic, and so with wild fun - let it play, let it play, let it play.

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The Sweat

Andy Borowitz: Married Jonas Brother Says Sex Not Worth the Wait

2009-12-23T10:59:29Z

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that "to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

"After we did it, I was kind of like, that's it?" Mr. Jonas told reporters at a New York press conference.

As to whether Mr. Jonas' bride agreed with his "that's it?" assessment, Mr. Jonas remarked, "That's what she said." More here.

Kirk Maxey, Father Of 400 Kids, Demands Sperm Bank Regulation

2009-12-23T08:48:56Z

By all accounts, Dr. Kirk Maxey of southeast Michigan appears to be a regular dad, attending his 12-year-old son's soccer games, leading rock-climbing excursions or grabbing some ice cream. But Maxey also happens to be one of the country's most prolific sperm donors, fathering approximately 400 children after donating his semen twice a week between 1980 and 1994. He's now pushing for stricter sperm bank regulation and mapping his genome online to inform his offspring.

George Church of Harvard's Personal Genome Project asked Maxey to be one of the first ten volunteers to have his genome mapped.

"Due to fertility-clinic policies, many donor offspring don't have complete access to medical history, and having their genome sequence might catch some predictable and actionable gene," Church told Newsweek. "Making Maxey's genome available could help people who actually want to find their father, or mothers who feel the current regulation of sperm banks is inadequate. Rather than merely beguiling with descriptions of tall, blue-eyed professionals as sperm donors, the clinics should also be checking for potential genetic tragedies."

Fortunately, Maxey seems healthy, with just a 1.9 percent increased risk for coronary heart disease, a reduced risk for Alzheimer's and a reduced risk of baldness. However, there are other potential problems, as Maxey mentioned in a 2006 interview with ABC News:

"I have a son that lives in the area and most of the patients came from a 100- or 150-mile radius of the area. If you do math, again, there may be 100 young women that are basically my son's age that are his half-siblings. I have to tell him there is an awful lot of your brothers and sisters that you don't know and I don't know."

Maxey told Newsweek that the current sperm donation system must be government-regulated. The FDA's guidelines indicate that donated sperm can't have a "relevant communicable disease agent or disease," but there is no limit on how many donations can be made by one person. Individual sperm banks can choose a maximum amount, typically between 15 and 25 vials.

Maxey said, "Statutory rules for genetics tests on donors should be part of FDA guidelines, which should also require that sperm banks follow up on the children to make sure they are healthy. All I'm really advocating for is the absolute informed consent for the mothers."

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Robert Rosenthal: Sexual Addiction: The New Swine Flu Or Vast Female Conspiracy?

2009-12-18T16:58:15Z

Tiger Woods. Ex-NY Governor Elliott Spitzer. ESPN sportscaster Steve Phillips. Actor David Duchovny. These are but a few of the male species who have raised the awareness of what is currently being termed Sexual Addiction, rendering it a virtual 'mandemic'. The question is: where do you draw the line between this so-called dependency and plain, old super horny?

  What these guys did was unquestionably wrong, because they're married. However, if Tiger were single and had sex with a dozen women in a year -- especially "hot" women - would that make him a sex addict? To most men, that makes him a hero. If the bachelor Derek Jeter slept with 10 beauties over the course of a year, some guys might even say, "Step it up, dude. Coulda' been 20."   

Steve Phillips had affairs. He had sex in parking lots after games. If that is the grounds for his term in rehab, I'm getting into the rehab business. Elliot Spitzer had a thing with a hooker. Is he a sex addict? Or just another self-righteous, philandering politician with a penchant for professional sex and the budget to swing it?  

We Americans have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. We jump to conclusions. We rush to judgment. We're guilty of premature evaluation. Then we prescribe a quick, pain-free solution. That helps to explain our real addiction in this country, which is to drugs. You just have to watch nightly TV to witness the unending parade of pharmaceutical commercials serving the seemingly infinite introduction of newly discovered diseases.  

Is sexual addiction just another one of these newfangled diseases manufactured by drug companies to propel their priapic profits? Or should we really be on the lookout for our male friends who suffer from restless sperm syndrome? And how about the guys who watch Internet porn? Is their predilection for pornography a precursor to an impending addiction or a cry for help from the ever-present allure of masturbatory material?

  Ladies and brothers, let us be frank: men are pig dogs. We like sex. We think about sex. We crave sex. A man knows within a millisecond of seeing a woman whether he finds her sexually attractive. It's not something we can help. We don't do it on purpose. We're hardwired this way by Mother Nature. Fortunately, evolved men may also feel sexual attraction based on intelligence, humor, empathy, and many other qualities. It's just that our first natural instinct--not conscious thought, but instinct--is purely physical.

  If men could have sex with all the women they found attractive - without consequence - they would. Females have figured this out; ergo the outrage. This sexual addiction movement is a conspiracy orchestrated by women who recognize that if men are put away for their sexual appetite, there won't be any of us left.   

There is only one solution, I'm afraid. We need a new drug for sexual addiction, like a Viagra antidote on demand. They could call it Soft On.  

Song of the Day: I Want A New Drug by Huey Lewis and the News
One that won't make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you
When I'm alone with you

Joleen Baughman's ORGASMS: Woman Constantly Aroused After Car Accident

2009-12-17T17:30:47Z

Joleen Baughman is lucky to be alive after injuring her spine in a head-on car crash two years ago. The 39-year-old mother-of-two from New Mexico recovered at home for six months before realizing that something was a little off: she was persistently turned on.

"I started getting these intense sexual urges," Baughman explained in the Telegraph UK. "They would come out of nowhere and completely engulf me. It would last for most of the day. I was really shocked because normally I have practically no sex drive at all."

This all sounds like it might have been fun for a while, but it was ultimately embarrassing and very painful.

"We would have sex once and I would feel no release at all. So we would go again and then it would start really hurting but I would still want sex, even more than before. If my husband managed to go for a third time it would be agony but I would still feel no release."

Baughman sought medical help and learned that due to damaged to a pelvic nerve, she was experiencing restless genital syndrome, or persistent sexual arousal syndrome. Dr. Sandra Leiblum first defined the condition in 2001 as "intense feelings of genital congestion and sensations that are typically unaccompanied by any conscious awareness of sexual desire" in an article published for the Women's Sexual Health Foundation in Cincinnati.

The symptoms can be reduced by the use of antidepressants, antiandrogenic agents and anaesthetising gels or with surgery. There's no word yet on Baughman's course of treatment.

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Rosalyn Hoffman: Sex & Chocolate

2009-12-17T16:26:48Z

We have loads of little secrets -- most of which we will never share. But today we've decided to disclose a tiny little one. Even though it may be a black mark on our reputation as normal bitches who like to self-medicate with a whole tub of ice cream.

The secret is: We're missing the sweet tooth gene.

Not to totally mislead you. We're suckers for a couple things: the best brownies in the world (we'd go so far as to call them erotic) that marry the rich, creaminess of chocolate with the zippy spice of red pepper flakes. We're also addicted to our apricot tart, an almond-infused cookie-style crust filled with simple cream custard, topped with tangy fresh apricots that caramelize and ooze yumminess during baking. To be perfectly honest, even though we're big-time bakers, unless our meal has been laced with garlic and onions, we seldom crave sweets afterward.

Mostly, we bake for the attention, the accolades, and the complete adoration that comes our way when we put a perfect apple tart or peach pie on the table. We just love being baking goddesses.

So trust us that when something makes us break out the mixer, it must look good. And the gazillion-layer cake recently pictured in the New York Times food section looks great. We've become obsessed by the alternating layers of soft white cake and fudgy icing. We're actually drooling on the keyboard right now.

It got us thinking: what about this cake has us hooked? And why is it we can't pass by fresh apricots in the store without swooping them up, heading home, and impulsively baking that tart? Is there a spot on the tongue that gets so riled up by those lily products (yes, scallions, chives, garlic are all part of the lily family) that it needs a sweet to balance it?

Could it be that by teasing our palate with opposite sensations we experience maximum pleasure?

Associative bitches that we are, this makes us think of the now troubled golfing god, Tiger Woods (caught eating one too many cakes). Perfect wife and kids, uncanny talent, hyper-controlled persona. When that man seeks opposite sensory directions he really changes directions. (No trashy porn for him...he goes straight to the source. Again and again.) And not to pick on just Tiger; let's not forget the countless other sanctimonious, "family-values" politicians caught bopping women (or men) they weren't wed to.

Like our need to be adored for our baking prowess, is it possible that for them it isn't just about the sex? If we're missing the sweet tooth gene and it keeps our cravings in check, what is it that they're missing that turns them into the flesh addict's equivalent of a chocoholic?

Like that gorgeous cake, life is multilayered. Trying to live in too controlled a way, avoiding the lusty, sneaky, bad-for-you treats -- well, that only fans the flames of desire. But by reasonably treating ourselves to opposite sensations we can achieve maximum pleasure. When it comes down to it, it's the contrasts that make life worth living.

So it's no surprise that we're pre-heating the oven. Just like our apricot dessert's sweet and tart palate pleasing, those fifteen layers offer the promise of a single delicious complimentary bite. Maybe we're craving the balance that those measured extremes provide. Or lusting for a sugar rush. Or -- let's be honest -- just seeking admiration for the perfect execution of a cake with such a high degree of difficulty.

No matter. For now the kitchen is the place where our fantasy life unfolds -- that is, our fantasy of being the next Iron Chef. (Oops! That's another one of our little secrets.)

Read more at www.bitchesonabudget.com

David Roher: How Will Tiger Do? A Statistical Look at Returns From Scandals Past

2009-12-17T13:50:11Z

I awoke from a three-week nap a few hours ago (I wrote those other posts in my sleep) to find that Tiger Woods was embroiled in a bit of a scandal. My first reaction, besides confusion as to why I had 1200 messages, was disappointment that his personal problems have led to the announcement that the world's greatest golfer has decided to indefinitely suspend his golf career.

Eventually, the short attention span of the celebrity media will run its course, and Tiger will come back from his self-imposed hiatus. Being a writer on a sports analysis blog, I figure it'd be interesting to add a new angle: can we learn about how Tiger will do from other athletes who have returned from scandal-filled absences? What follows is a case-by-case statistical analysis of a handful of athletes that had high-profile scandals that resulted in time off.

For each athlete, I took a proportion-based stat (which makes some sports difficult) before and after the scandal, and examined whether the difference was significant. Obviously, there are many other factors (aging, the effect the scandal-inducing thing was having before it became public, etc.), so don't take any of it too seriously.

_______________________________________________________________

Player: Manny Ramirez
Scandal: Steroid Use
Hiatus: 50-game suspension, May-June 2009
2009 On-Base Percentage, pre-Suspension: .492 (120 plate appearances)
2009 On-Base Percentage, post-Suspension: .389 (311 PA)
Statistically Significant? Yes. Manny's decline in OBP after his return was statistically significant (again, this says nothing about whether the decline was related to the scandal).

Player: Babe Ruth
Scandal: "The Bellyache Heard Round the World"
Hiatus: Missed first two months of 1925 season recovering from surgery
1924 On-Base Percentage: .513 (681 PA)
1925 On-Base Percentage: .393 (426 PA)
Statistically significant? Yes. Ruth's 1925 performance, while still far above the league average, was the worst of his Yankee career. The team struggled as well, losing more games than could have been explained by Ruth's production alone. The losing season was their first since 1918 and the last until 1965. But both returned to form in 1926.

Player: Ron Artest
Scandal: Pacers-Pistons Fight
Hiatus: Suspended for the remainder of 2004-05 season (73 games)
2003-04 Field Goal Percentage: .421 (1112 attempts)
2005-06 Field Goal Percentage: .404 (867 attempts)
Statistically Significant? No. Artest was a little less accurate, but not significantly so.

Player: Michael Jordan
Scandal: Controversy over his First Retirement. (Not really a scandal per se, but given his parallels to Tiger and that it was in the prime of his career, worth looking at.)
Hiatus: Retired after the 1993 NBA Finals, and returned for the final 17 games of the 1994-95 season
1992-93 Field Goal Percentage: .495 (2003 attempts)
1994-95 Field Goal Percentage: .411 (404 attempts)
Statistically Significant? Yes. But this was probably due to some early rust, as his playoff field goal percentage was back up to .484.

Player: Ricky Williams
Scandal: Repeated Failed Marijuana Tests
Hiatus: Suspended for first 4 games of 2004 season, then retired, and returned in 2005
2003 Success Rate: .39 (392 attempts)
2005 Success Rate: .48 (168 attempts)
Statistically Significant? Yes - Williams improved. The added rest and change in his mindset might have helped Ricky to an improvement upon his return, although a change in the Miami Dolphins offense (Ronnie Brown limited his workload, perhaps keeping him fresh during the season) could be more responsible.

Player: Todd Bertuzzi
Scandal: Assaulting Steve Moore
Hiatus: Suspended for 17 months (including lockout of 04-05)
2003-04 Shooting Percentage: .109 (156 attempts)
2005-06 Shooting Percentage: .125 (200 attempts)
Statistically Significant? No. I couldn't find a better proportional hockey stat, which may have been part of the problem. But Bertuzzi's performances were pretty similar overall, and the main contrast is between these seasons and the ones before, in which Bertuzzi was a much more prolific scorer.

_______________________________________________________________

So what can we make of this? A short break in the middle of a career isn't a death sentence to the career of a great athlete. Guys as focused as Tiger usually is are capable of coming back in the heat of public scrutiny and private turmoil, and any initial difference is usually just rust. But there aren't many examples of great athletes missing time and coming back because of scandals that are easily applicable to Tiger's situation, and even fewer that I could easily do a statistical test on (if readers suggest more in the comments, I'll add them). And even with more analytical rigor (the test I did was picked for ease and not for power or incorporation of better stats), it would be impossible to find the precise effect of public scrutiny.

And that last part is kind of the point of this exercise. When Tiger does come back, the media is going to assign some causality to the current scandal, even if there is none whatsoever. If he's bad early, it'll because he's distracted. If he dominates, it'll be because he's turned over a new leaf. The pattern is as predictable as it is stupid. My guess is that Tiger will continue to play golf the way that he did before. Maybe he'll struggle in the first few tournaments, but he'll round back into form pretty quickly.

I'm just looking forward to the day when golf is boring again.

Note: This post originally appeared on the Harvard Sports Analysis Collective Blog. Next week, we'll look at Kate Hudson's effect on A-Rod's Weighted On-Base Average. Not really.

Caroline Cartwright, British Woman, Taken To Court AGAIN For Noisy Sex

2009-12-16T08:09:17Z

48-year-old Brit Catherine Cartwright ignored a court-ordered ban on her noisy sex, and has pleaded guilty to making love with sounds described as "murder," "unnatural," and capable of drowning out her neighbors' televisions.

Cartwright had been banned from her noisy romps after hundreds of complaints. Even her postman and a women who walked her child to school past Cartwright's house complained.

The Press Association reported that Cartwright claimed to not realize she was being so noisy:

Giving evidence Cartwright said she was unable to control the noise she made during sex. "I did not understand why people asked me to be quiet because to me it is normal. I didn't understand where they were coming from. I have tried to minimize the situation by having sex in the morning - not at night - so the noise was not waking anybody," she said.

However, the BBC reported a neighbor's statements about the lovemaking:

At an earlier hearing, next door neighbour Rachel O'Connor told the court she was frequently late for work because she overslept having been awake most of the night because of the noise.

She said: "The noise sounds like they are both in considerable pain. I cannot describe the noise. I have never ever heard anything like it."

The local city council reportedly found the sex sessions produced sounds of 47 decibels.

Cartwright will be sentenced on January 18.

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Mark Morford: 101 Reasons why Men Cheat (Tiger Woods Edition)

2009-12-16T01:35:35Z

Plethoric are the theories, the pop psychoanalysis, the dime-store hypothesis. In the wake of Tiger's epic fail, we hereby present a quick rundown of the real reasons many men cheat, as compiled by the whims and vagaries of the baffled, needy male ego for the past, oh, about two million years. Ready?

Basically, men cheat* because:

Their penis told them to.

The penis is always right.

Unless it's not. Unless it's totally, blindingly wrong. But that's really not possible. Just ask it. Wait a sec, it's busy with that Vegas waitress. OK, go ahead. See?

The man's marriage is sexless and loveless and boring, and he has needs that must -- nay, MUST -- be met. Just ask the penis.

The wife has low/no libido, whereas the man has enough for nine teenagers and a box of rabbits.

No, really. The male libido, generally speaking, far outpaces the female libido and is never really satisfied for more than a day or two, tops. This is why so many men choose to be gay. Gay sex is like, off the hook! It's true! I read that somewhere. Lesbians, on the other hand, often suffer a terrible fate known as "lesbian bed death." You can Google it.

#6 is a totally unfair cliché that doesn't always hold true, and, by the way, all men are pigs. I mean, duh.

The kids steal all the love/attention/energy from wife, leaving man with nothing but XTube, golf and vodka.

One word: Ego. Three more: ego, ego, ego. Nothing like nailing a beautiful female acolyte to boost self-image, over and over again, as she coos your name adoringly and feigns surprise that you just bought her a Mercedes.

Or is it the other way around, and many women are shockingly predatory, often hunting for rich, powerful men who will buy them stuff and give them a shred of self worth by association, because the truth is, they have no identity of their own, and all they have is sex, which they wield like an ax made of lip gloss and open hip flexors and Cosa Bella thongs?

Man is a rock star/golfer/politician/televangelist and women -- or gay prostitutes -- are knocking on his hotel-room door day and night, and the penis is like, are you going to answer that?...

Read the rest of this column here

Mark Morford's SF Chronicle/SFGate columns are archived here. Also: His home page, Facebook page, or send him some nice email. Not to mention...

Robbie Gennet: The Stoning of Tiger Woods

2009-12-15T14:17:20Z

Have you seen the latest barbarism out of Somalia? A man named Mohamed Abukar Ibrahim was stoned to death by Islamic militants for adultery -- literally buried up to his chest and pounded with big rocks until dead. Here's the link.

If you can bear to look at those pictures, just imagine that was Tiger Woods in his place. Not that I wish that on Tiger (or anyone) but in the majority of countries, that is an abomination, a cruel medieval punishment meted with no civilized law or justice. Adultery is an unpleasant and destructive act that happens all too frequently but this kind of "justice" is thankfully rare. However, it is jarring to see that it actually still happens in the world, especially now that we have pictures and videos streaming across the internet. Imagining Tiger Woods in the same situation is pretty horrifying, but it does illustrate the dichotomy between the civilized world and the Stone Age (pardon the pun). If John Edwards once famously pointed out Two Americas, this shows that there are Two Earths, and one of them seems stuck in the Middle Ages, or worse.

I guess Tiger is lucky to live in a country where the crime for adultery is only ruining your career, being exposed and exploited by tabloids and television, and getting beat up by your wife. Perhaps at this point, he's feeling like nothing could be worse. However, I'm sure if he sees these pictures of poor Ibrahim, he would feel a lot luckier that he lives in a "civilized" society. All that being said, the multiple women whom he shtupped must also be glad they live in the US, as the girl who Ibrahim was accused of having an affair with received 100 lashes, and we're not talking fake ones for your eyes. The bright side of her dark situation was that she wasn't put to death because she was not married during their affair. As to Ibrahim, he won't be on the cover of tabloids, won't be discussed in the "news" and won't be able to move to France like Tiger is purported to be considering. But Ibrahim's death should be a reminder of the cruelty that humans can unleash upon each other, and how far we as a species still need to evolve.

It is a shame that one of the worlds greatest golfers has put his career on hiatus simply because he couldn't keep his club in his golfbag, and we all can sympathize with his wife and her public shame. But at the same time, the Woods can go on with their lives, while Ibrahim cannot. Perhaps when Tiger is sipping espresso in a French Cafe, he'll raise a toast to Ibrahim and think a little harder about where he aims his putz.

Jeff Kreisler: One Day in Cheating: Accenture ? Really?

2009-12-15T13:19:03Z

Accenture Cuts Tiger

The Cheater Says: Really? Accenture? Formerly Arthur Andersen, the company that gave Enron accounting advice, then audited Enron's accounting, then recommended that Enron hire Arthur Andersen as accounting and auditing consultants?
That Accenture?
The same one that changed its name to pretend it's a new company, much like Blackwater is now XE, Philip Morris is Altria, and for some reason Lindsay Lohan is still Lindsay Lohan.
That Accenture?
I mean, headhunters tell jobseekers to delete Arthur Andersen from their resumes. They're better off just putting "1997-2002: The Heroin Incident."

Wow, Tiger. Accenture is taking a moral stand... on you.
--

Jeff Kreisler's first book, "Get Rich Cheating," is a Boston Globe Bestseller and can be purchased in fine bookstores or online.

"You'll be laughing all the way to the bank, assuming other cheaters haven't forced it into bankruptcy yet." - Rachel Maddow (MSNBC)
"Catcher in the Rye for evildoers" - Penthouse Magazine
"A very funny book with a very timely message." - Terry Jones (Monty Python)
"Laugh out loud - roaring!" - CNBC
"A brilliant and brilliantly sustained satirical broadside. On just about every page, you'll find a pithy, pointed barb worthy of the late great George Carlin." - Tony Hendra (George Carlin's "Last Words")

Five Shocking Things Women Don't Know About Sex

2009-12-15T10:46:07Z

Do you feel pretty knowledgeable about safe sex? Of course you do, right? But wait, according to a landmark study of people ages 18-29, many young adults have some seriously dangerous assumptions and beliefs about pregnancy and STD prevention. The startling news, in the following glamour.com exclusive ...

Read more: Safe Sex, Stds, Sex and Love, Glamour Sex, Sex, Style News

Nevada Brothel Aims To Offer First Male Prostitutes

2009-12-14T11:24:08Z

LAS VEGAS — The owner of a brothel more than two hours' drive from Las Vegas said she hopes to hire Nevada's first legal male prostitutes within a month, now that state health officials have approved a method to test men for infectious diseases.

The world is ready for women, or even other men, to legally buy sex, said Shady Lady Ranch owner Bobbi Davis. Plus, being the first to offer male service could boost business in tough economic times, she said.

Larry Flynt Wins Partial Victory Against Nephews In Court Battle Over New Porn Company

2009-12-11T20:10:17Z

LOS ANGELES — The porn family feud that played out in federal court this week ended in a draw Friday when a jury ruled that Larry Flynt's estranged nephews infringed on their famous uncle's trademark when they launched their own smut business, but did not invade his privacy and were not liable for the substantial attorney fees both sides rang up.

The jury of four men and four women rendered its verdict after a four-day trial, during which they sat next to a big-screen TV that was used to repeatedly display blown-up photos of porn DVD boxes featuring naked women on the front and people engaged in all sorts of contortions on the back.

Mark Morford: Tiger Woods Must Die!

2009-12-11T14:58:15Z

I find I am, almost against my will, utterly delighted by the Tiger Woods crash-and-burn who-woulda-thunk slut-of-the-week pornstars-n-skanks flameout shockfest circus funhouse megaspectacle.

It was not a quick realization. Fact is, I have never once cared the slightest bit about Tiger Woods or anything he has ever done, represented, embodied. I have zero interest in golf, don't care for insipid multimillionaire celebrity endorsements, gated Florida mansions or blinged-out Cadillac Escalades, and I have never once found myself remotely enchanted or bedazzled by anything Woods has said or done, largely due to the fact he doesn't appear to have much of a discernible personality or any spiritual fire to speak of, and his sole accomplishment seems to be making a mountain of cash by playing one of the world's most boring, nonathletic sports exceptionally well.

But never mind any of that now. Tiger has transformed. Tiger has transcended. He is right now entering another glorious, rarefied realm, a unique stratum of American iconography, that of the fallen hero, the broken god, the disgraced saint soon be abhorred and mocked by millions, only to be -- and you may take my word for this right now -- loved and adored again in about, oh, I'd say two years and change. Maybe less. Just you watch.

It's the same old story, really. Woods is now in the midst of nothing less than a classic, time-honored pattern that just might be one of our nation's finest, most insidious inventions of all time.

Do you know this pattern? I bet you do. It's the same one that's been followed, with varying success, by all sorts of rock stars, supermodels, actors, athletes, pastors and politicians since George Washington was caught indulging his gay fetishes in an opium den in Paris....

Read the rest of this column here

Mark Morford's SF Chronicle/SFGate columns are archived here. Also: His home page, Facebook page, or send him some nice email. Not to mention...

Tiger Woods Porn Movie: What Should It Be Called?

2009-12-11T11:54:11Z

Yes, it's come to this: Tiger Woods and his many ladies will be the subject of an upcoming pornography entitled "Tiger's Wood."

E! reports the film is billing itself "as the 'official porn parody' of the non-golf exploits of the sports icon. The script riffs on the story and (presumably) makes up stuff where it might make things spicier."

Unfortunately, we think the title is a little lacking in the humor department. Pornos have long been known as the go-to genre for pun titles, so let's help them out. What SHOULD the name of this film be? Add your suggestion to the comments section and we'll pick the best ones and highlight them here!

Caddyshag By MrBurlesk

Tiger Plays 18 Ho's By Leigh49

Clappy Gilmore By AntiTreeHugger

Shanks & Skanks By Lisa G. (via Facebook)

Baby Got Back 9 By mojomogul (via Twitter)

The Legend of Shagger Vance By PBC74

Eighteen Holes By Jay C. (via Facebook)

Two Girls, One Fedex Cup By MAJK

Eight Isn't Enough By Isaakh

Linda E. Savage: Spiritual Sex: Opening Your Heart

2009-12-10T12:37:20Z

I want to offer my heartfelt wishes for a truly joyous holiday season and an abundant New Year. We a coming up to an important point in the solar calendar; all over the Northern Hemisphere the Winter Solstice is a festival of light as we honor the longest night of the year.

I hope you will take time to create a list of gratitude during all the hustle and bustle of this time: from the smallest blessing of comfortable shelter to the greatest blessing of wonderful people in your life. Please remember that when you are offering something of yourself with loving energy, whether it be creating a delicious dinner, making a beautiful craft, or simply spending quality time with someone to whom you mean a lot, the love you feel is your blessing. Your heart chakra opens and healing flows from within. The essence of this very powerful energy center is love. It is associated with the Thymus gland which is critical to the healthy functioning of our immune systems. Feeling love, quite simply, is the healthiest emotion we have and if we could stay in that emotional state all the time, so much the better just for ourselves let alone for those who are on the receiving end. And yet many people hoard their love as if giving too much would somehow injure them. If we want good health and good sex, the positive energy radiating from the heart center is the surest way.

Some of you have responded to my blogs by writing comments that sound as if sex is just sex and shouldn't have much to do with love, especially long term loving. I find that sad. But a lot more of you have written about the spectacular sexual experiences you have had in very loving relationships. Ecstasy, bliss and love are all very closely aligned states of consciousness. In fact, some would say these are one and the same. During this time, when people are turning towards home and loved ones, you may have moments when making love can be truly just that. Enjoy.

I have been listening to a wonderful CD called Om Deeksha and I highly recommend it for calming and promoting that place of love within you. It has given me some very blissful moments as I pack for my trip to Brazil and tie up all the loose ends that such a voyage requires. I feel very blessed that I will have both my daughters with me in Rio de Janeiro for the Holidays. I will also be searching for celebrations of Yemaya (called Iemanja in Brazil) on New Year's Eve and hoping to join in their beautiful ceremony for the Goddess of the Sea.

When next I write, I'll be sharing some of my experiences in Rio where the people honor sensuality with Samba and celebrate feminine beauty.

Many blessings of the season,
Linda

Tamsen Fadal and Matt Titus: Why do we always fight?

2009-12-10T11:21:48Z

Dear Matt and Tamsen, I had the perfect relationship for six months. My boyfriend and I loved to do everything together. But, it seems lately that all we do it fight. Can you tell me how to reconnect?

A: It can be a very stressful time of year, so you are certainly not alone. It can seem overwhelming when it comes to making a relationship work when all it seems like all you are doing is fighting. Here are a few suggestions when it comes to trying to reconnect.

1. Don't be so available. No discussions, just do it. Actions are always more powerful than words. If he doesn't seem to notice your resentment, then it may be time to think about moving on. If he becomes concerned then, let him chase you for a while.
2. Tell him that you need "time" to think about what you want in this relationship, because you are currently involved in a completely unsatisfying one. You will know where you stand by his reaction and response.
3. Plan a nice night together; take time to talk and ask him if he would be willing to make some changes to bring the relationship back to center. If he is concerned and open to the changes, then you have a shot. If he becomes defensive, confrontational or indifferent, it may be time to move on. Don't waste time with someone who does not want to make the effort to be reconnected to you.

Andy Borowitz: Obama Sends Predator Drone to Pick Up Nobel Peace Prize

2009-12-10T07:22:23Z

OSLO, NORWAY (The Borowitz Report) - Responding to criticism about his receiving this year's Nobel Peace Prize, President Barack Obama today sent an unmanned predator drone to Norway to pick up the prize for him.

Mr. Obama's decision to have an unmanned bomber plane accept the Peace Prize raised eyebrows in diplomatic circles, as well as concerns about whether the plane was accurate enough for such a delicate mission.

"We know there's a possibility that the predator drone might miss Norway altogether and instead hit Finland," said White House press spokesman Robert Gibbs. "Having said that, an unmanned plane is still more accurate than one manned by a couple of Northwest pilots."

Elsewhere, a new study shows that teens who experiment with sex are at risk of getting involved in professional golf. More here.

Artifacts Reveal Ancient Greeks', Romans' Completely Uninhibited Attitudes Towards Sex (VIDEO)

2009-12-09T09:58:55Z

Some look back on early civilizations and shake their heads at how prudish the times were. Well, not so with the ancient Greeks and Romans. A new exhibition of artifacts goes a long way towards showing you just how voracious their appetites were for sex.

As the narrator says, the artifacts reveal an attitude towards love and lust so uninhibited it needs a warning sign.

WATCH:

Tigers Having Sex In The Woods (VIDEO)

2009-12-08T19:38:36Z

Interested in Tigers having sex in the woods? Or maybe Tiger Woods having sex? Well, we don't have video of the latter, but we do have a tiger mating video -- strictly of the animal kind.

WATCH:

Leora Tanenbaum: Girl-Bashing and Its Consequences

2009-12-08T17:22:40Z

When it comes to the topic of slut-bashing--when a girl is harassed by classmates because she is believed to be a "slut"--there always has been a lot of harsh judgment. Ten years ago, when I wrote a book about it, I noticed that most people have a compulsive urge to divide so-called sluts into the categories of innocent and guilty.

The thinking went like this: girls labeled "sluts" who are sexually innocent do not deserve to be mistreated, while other girls are guilty of the crime of having been sexual and therefore deserve to be bullied. According to this logic, only those who are innocent and "good" are worthy of our empathy. The rest of them? Who cares--they're "sluts"!

The judgments are even more caustic in today's world of "sexting" (sending sexually explicit messages or photos electronically). A "good" girl, many argue, would never take a photo of herself naked and certainly would never email it to anyone. Therefore, if a girl engages in "sexting" and then becomes known as a "slut"-- because the boy to whom she sent her message or photo forwarded it to his friends, who forwarded it to their friends, who posted it on a site where everyone can see it--she has caused her own social demise and has only herself to blame. If walking down the hallway or entering the cafeteria at school becomes a living hell because everyone is calling her names and treating her like a pariah, well, it's a valuable lesson she clearly needs.

But does she really deserve to be punished in this way? Last June, whenever Hope Witsell, a thirteen-year-old from rural Florida, walked into a classroom, someone invariably said, "Oh, here comes the slut." No matter where she tried to hide at Beth Shields Middle School, kids taunted her. Turns out that Witsell had sent a photo of herself topless to a boy she liked. Another girl borrowed the boy's phone, found the photo, and forwarded it to some friends, and before you could say "sexual double standard," everyone at school--even kids who went to a neighboring school--had seen it.

A student advisor for the local chapter of Future Farmers of America (FFA) who went to church every Sunday with her parents and enjoyed fishing with her father, Witsell wrote in her diary that, "Tons of people talk about me behind my back and I hate it because they call me a whore! And I can't be a whore I'm too inexperienced. So secretly TONS of people hate me..."

Two weeks into the summer vacation, the school administration learned about the photo and suspended Witsell for one week in September. Her parents took away her cell phone and grounded her for the summer, but they permitted her to attend an FFA convention in Orlando. Several older boys were staying at the same hotel, met her at the pool, and called her room repeatedly to ask her for a photo of her breasts. According to a friend who was in the room, Witsell was scared of the boys and took the picture to get them to stop bothering her. An adult found the photo and as a result, her school decided not to allow her to run for student advisor this year.

When school started up again, so did the bullying. Witsell met with a school social worker, who noticed cuts on her leg and had her sign a "no-harm" contract in which she agreed to talk to an adult if she felt the desire to hurt herself. But the school did not call the parents.

On September 12, Witsell's mother went to kiss her daughter goodnight, and was startled to see that she was standing with her head lowered. She took a closer look and discovered that Witsell had hanged herself to death with a pink scarf tied to the canopy of her bed. The "no-harm" contract lay in the trash can.

In his excellent exposé, Andrew Meacham of the St. Petersburg Times recounts how Beth Shields Middle School botched up big-time. The school did not take any action against any of the students who forwarded the photo of Witsell or brazenly humiliated her. Instead of being understanding, the school was relentlessly punitive.

We all need to be understanding, not punitive. It's true that Witsell initiated the chain of events that led to her reputation. She did a profoundly stupid thing. And she did it twice--doubly stupid. But she was thirteen. How can you be thirteen and not do something stupid, perhaps even twice?

Witsell is the second girl to commit suicide in reaction to slut-bashing at school that was initiated after a "sexting" incident. Last year in Cincinnati, an eighteen-year-old girl named Jessica Logan also hanged herself. She had sent a photo of herself nude to a boyfriend and after they broke up, he forwarded it to other girls.

According to an Associated Press-MTV poll, a quarter of teenagers and a third of young adults have been involved in "sexting." Ten percent say that they have sent naked pictures of themselves on their cell phone or online. Several years ago at the private Horace Mann School in New York City, a girl sent a digital video of herself masturbating to a male classmate she liked, and it ended up on a file-sharing network that millions could access. (Sometimes students quaintly use tried-and-true bullying methods. At Millburn High, a top-ranked public school in New Jersey, every September the senior girls create a "slut" list of incoming freshman--using a piece of notebook paper.)

Girls take their shirts off, or more, for their cell phone camera for several reasons. They are not mature enough to foresee the consequences. They don't realize that our technologically connected world is monstrously devoid of privacy. Crucially, they get the idea that taking a picture of their naked breasts is empowering and a legitimate way to get attention. This is not an unreasonable conclusion, given the circumstances. Mother-and-daughter pole dancing is considered a legitimate form of familial bonding and otherwise-sensible women leave their homes wearing clothes that resemble costumes from a tacky porn set. And how did Paris Hilton get famous again? Oh yes--there was that sex tape.

At the same time, there is also a bizarre prudery. Two years ago, three juniors at a public high school in suburban New York were suspended for using the word "vagina" during a reading of "The Vagina Monologues." If you were a 13-year-old girl, wouldn't you be confused?

As the sad, sad story of Hope Witsell shows, there shouldn't be any distinction made between those who deserve a bad reputation and those who don't. No girl deserves to be called a "slut." After all, when was the last time a sexually active boy was punished by his school or harassed by his peers? Dividing "sluts" into the innocent and guilty reinforces the idea that male sexuality is normal while female sexuality is deviant at worst, defiant at best. Look what happens when this thinking is taken to its extreme.

Mike Alvear: The Condom vs. The Pill: Should Men Or Women Be Responsible For Contraception?

2009-12-07T14:15:29Z

Condoms make his willy nilly so he wants her to go on The Pill. She's furious because she doesn't want to mess with her hormones, gain weight and possibly put herself at risk for cancer. All because he can't get used to a little rubber?

I've seen couples break over this. Thing is, they both have a point. Nothing gives a man a
flat tire faster than a condom.
But guys too often act as if they can't do anything about it. Not true. Guys who have tried try my Condom Immersion Program have seen their fear of going limp shrivel up.

Here’s how it works: Together with your partner buy a bucket of condoms and
spend 20 minutes opening them up, stretching them to the breaking point,
putting them on, taking them off, and doing stupid crap like playing
tug-of-war, filling ‘em with water, putting ‘em over your hands and feet and
making balloon animals out of them.

After a few days
of this systematic desensitization, neither the medical texture nor the Goat
Death aroma will stop his cucumber from rising out of the
salad. He'll also become expert at
opening them quickly (another bumper buster—fumbling with the darn things). Condom immersion works by
“extinguishing” the power of condoms to provoke anxieties, leaving you with one
less plot to dig in the erection graveyard.

Still, who wants to have sex with condoms?
It’s like eating a peach muffin from through a paper
napkin. Why a committed,
monogamous couple would want to do the bompa-chicka-wow-wow with those dreadful things
is beyond me. Which brings us to women.

If Godzilla’s breathing fire on the
condoms, King Kong is throwing feces against the cage. Yes, a lot of women gain weight (and go
ape-crazy) on The Pill, but a lot don’t. Women need to quit swinging from vine to vine and be willing to test some of the
options (there are ‘combination’ pills, extended-cycle pills, continuous use
pills, low-dosage mini-pills, etc.).

For instance, there's the
natural planning method. By
tracking the signs, symptoms and changes of your ovulation cycle, you can
pinpoint with amazing accuracy the days when you’re most likely to get pregnant.

One tactic involves checking the
consistency of your cervical mucus, which changes to a stretchy, clear and
thick consistency during ovulation—like uncooked egg whites.

Brunch anyone?

Still, while studies show natural planning
is 98% effective, it’s an unbelievably detailed, excruciating process requiring
the kind of commitment OCD sufferers make when they check the door to see if it's locked.

Couples need to haul themselves
over to a dedicated family planning clinic like Planned Parenthood to go over their options. If you’re too shy to go there just yet,
find out which birth control method fits your lifestyle through their kick-butt
online interactive tool.

But the best reason to go there is
to facilitate a truce and bang out a compromise. For example, maybe you switch-hit on the condoms. Sometimes he slips them on; sometimes
you slip them in (the female condom, that is).

When you’re in this kind of titanic
power struggle, how you decide is just as important as what you decide. You King Kongs need to quit swinging from vine to
vine and you Godzillas need to make a peace offering (I vote bananas). Decide together, share the burden and you’ll get back to the basics of
transcendent sex: reciprocity and
generosity.

How Do I Tell Him He's Got a Small Penis?

How do I tell my boyfriend I want to have sex during my period?

Sex Talk Comes Late For More Than 40% Of Kids, Study Says

2009-12-07T09:53:45Z

In the latest study on parent-child talks about sex and sexuality, researchers found that more than 40% of adolescents had had intercourse before talking to their parents about safe sex, birth control or sexually transmitted diseases.

Susie Bright: Tiger's Cuckold Fantasies -- What Do They Mean?

2009-12-06T14:08:32Z

US magazine has reprinted an erotic cuckold dream that Tiger Woods reportedly sent to one of his alleged mistresses. Woods told "Rachel" in an email that he envisioned her having sex with Derek Jeter and Bones star David Boreanaz -- at the same time. The juicy email describes his fantasy in lurid detail.

Okay, I'm finally interested! "Adulterous Sports Star" didn't rouse me out of my non-monogamous slumber. On that count, Tiger needs to listen to Mo'Nique:

“[My husband and I] have an agreement that we’ll always be honest -- and if sex happens with another person, that’s not a deal breaker for us. That’s not something where we’ll have to say, ‘Oh God, we’ve got to go to divorce court because you cheated on me.’ Because we don’t cheat."

But this cuckold fantasy that Tiger spins, of watching his pretty lover get plowed by two butch hunks -- how timely!

The humiliated-but-thoroughly-aroused-husband is the biggest new trend in taboo erotic fantasies.

In 2006 or so, I started seeing the first mini-fad of erotic cuckolding confessions, which started to proliferate on Craigslist. More elaborate versions subsequently arrived in the form of manuscripts in my mailbox -- authors seeking to publish on the subject. It was still an "embarrassing" fantasy -- none of the people who sent me fiction wanted to use their real name in print.

Most of the authors I read were amateur, but one was really worthy of "Double Indemnity" craftsmanship -- a piece called "Playing Doctor," by Eloise Chagrin, which I published in The Best American Erotica 2008.

Eloise offered this point of view in a postscript to the story:

"It surprises me to no end that the sexual fetish of cuckoldry, once thought of as a disability, could be shared by so many people. The cuckolding fetish has an element of surprise, along with a bittersweet emotional masochism.

"Another key to the fetish, from the perspective of the cuckold, is that of eroticizing as a defense mechanism. When someone you care about expresses their interest in another person, you wrestle with your inadequacies. This fight may take on different forms, in many cases with the ultimate rejection of your lover.

"However, if your bond is strong, and you’re able to put aside that sense of self, then it’s possible to experience pleasure vicariously.

"Many people may think of this as abhorrent, as tantamount to abuse, while others believe it’s an essential part of their sexual health. I don’t know; I’m only trying to describe something that I’ve thought about for a long time.

"Some may find putting oneself second to be deleterious to one’s emotional health; others find something beautiful in the idea of loving your partner so much that you become attracted to whatever role he or she plays, whatever the two of you become. I leave the benedictions to others.

"A third ingredient to the mix is homoerotic. There is no way to avoid this with groups of three. Even in the most repressed situations, at least two out of the three people are of the same gender, and all parties are interested in the situation, else they would stop participating.

"In my story, as in my perceptions of cuckoldry from real life, betrayal is on the horizon. There’s a real possibility that any pair may break off from the group and form a greater intimacy. That prospect keeps the game competitive, and the players had better give their best performances, bank on everything they have in their bag of tricks -- because, ultimately, someone must lose."

After I published "Playing Doctor," I heard from Kidder Kaper, the impresario of the Sex is Fun game group, who told me he was writing an illustrated book of sexy role-playing games for couples. He wanted my feedback on a cuckolding fantasy he was drawing.

His scheme involved setting up a tableau in your bedroom so it looks "as if" the wife is just getting buggered by a handyman before her husband walks in. Very clever! All the erotic drama without an actual plumber -- or cheatin'!

I think ground zero for the "Out and Proud Cuckold" scene was Seattle; in part due to Dan Savage's column, who is always pulling off the manhole cover.

His column was the first place I listened to men, who, despite using pseudonyms, were unapologetic about their turn-on.

"Yes," they said, "it's emotionally masochistic; so what? Why do bottoms who merely request spankings get to have all the fun?"

Then there was the question, "But isn't it gay? Are you hung up on Daddy?"

Some men, said, "Sure, I'm bisexual and a submissive. I'm a happy camper." Others said,"This fantasy doesn't work for me without the woman; she's the star. I identify with her, but I don't want to be a man getting worked by another man."

Mostly what they said, like every other person who has a non-vanilla fantasy life, was: "Don't judge me!"

Cuckold-fantasists are every kind of person, not identifiable by what they wear or the circumstances of their public life. You might think they were one of the most powerful, charismatic men in the world -- you know, like Tiger Woods. Is he ready to be a poster boy?

Do women eroticize being cheated on? Jealousy is a universal experience and we often "play" with its green tendrils, to give ourselves a charge. Too much, and it's anti-erotic -- just enough, and it's spice.

To tell you the truth, though, I have never received a manuscript submission where a "wife" describes coming home to find her husband being ravished by two man-eating nymphos who make sport of her. In a classic cuckquean fantasy, the wife would then jill off, right in front of her sexy tormenters, simultaneously humiliated and exhilarated.

The next day, she would hold a press conference and "stand by her man." Right? ;-)

I think women of our times do eroticize sexual humiliation a little differently... perhaps you'd care to weigh in? Note: obviously no one enjoys reality-based humiliation... please address the erotic/S/M aspect!