Sex on The Huffington Post

Norrie May-Welby: The World's First Legally Genderless Person

2010-03-18T10:24:12Z

Norrie May-Welby has become the first person to be officially designated as gender 'not specified' - being neither a man nor a woman.

May-Welby, born a man 48 years ago in Scotland, became a woman at age 28 after a sex change operation in Australia. However, May-Welby did not feel comfortable as a woman and desired to become a 'neuter.'

Officials in New South Wales, Australia have now altered May-Welby's birth certificate to specify the neutral gender.

May-Welby has posted some thoughts about the reclassification on a blog:

If I need to show identity documents, I certainly don't want details that are false, for this will only cause trouble when officials realize I don't match my documents.

If my passport, for example, states that I am female, I may be detained when traveling if the local jurisdiction classes me based on the gender assigned at birth, or if my physically noticeable masculine aspects (for example, my Adam's apple, or my broad chest) are noticed.

If the passport states male, again there is a dissonance with my physical form, castration having had a feminizing effect, and I am usually moving and talking in a feminine manner.

May-Welby goes on to speak of being "grateful that at least the state of New South Wales is able to deal with me on such an adult basis."

A spokesperson for the UK's Gender Trust welcomed the classification: "Many people like the idea of being genderless."

Amy Butte: 'The Road From Ruin': Sex Or Money? Which Is Harder To Talk About?

2010-03-18T07:30:43Z

Sex or money? Condoms or internal rate of return? Which of these highly charged topics and terms would you prefer (or prefer not) to talk to your kids about? I naively thought it was the sex talk until I started watching my husband interact with my four step-kids, aged 17 through 22. Here was a highly intelligent and educated finance professional who could easily talk condoms, girl doctors, and the ramifications of poor choices - but got completely tongue-tied when it came to money.

There were lots of questions and lessons to convey on both topics, but why was it easier to have a discussion about sexual choices or uncertainty versus "where did all the cash go?" "Why don't I trust you with your trust?" And "why don't you give money to charity?" Why was a box of condoms a standard "gift" but not a primer in personal finance?

In "The Road from Ruin," Matthew Bishop and Michael Green make the case that financial education is a cornerstone of positive change -- that we must prepare young people to be better consumers and critics of financial products and policies. I would suggest, however, that we as a society are much more prepared to talk, teach, and influence young people about sex than we are money.

First, there are lots of sex toys, but not many money toys. Think back to the first time your parents decided it was time for "the talk" or your teacher wrote "sex education" on the blackboard. Usually there was a book, a movie, or stories that helped them work through the conversation. At a minimum, there was some thing for you to keep and refer to so the education could continue even after the red-faced awkward adult left the room. With money, that isn't the case -- rarely do kids get a couple thousand dollars to try in the market, and I promise a piggy bank isn't nearly as interesting (or graphic) as a toy, a movie, or a book.

Second, communication is not so hard between the sheets, but when it comes to the topic of balance sheets, some of us are better communicators than others. When it comes to talking about preferences with your sexual partner, the definitions are pretty basic and we are encouraged to believe that "more is better." Not so with finance. The majority of finance-speak is in the language of "50 year old white male-speak" which makes it not so interesting and not so understandable to your average teen. Our media makes sexual empowerment cool, but financial empowerment decidedly less so. When was the last time you saw an Abercrombie & Fitch ad sending subliminal messages about fiscal responsibility? Our research shows that while young people tend to be really comfortable sharing information about sex, they are embarrassed to talk about money with their friends (especially if they have it and their friends don't).

Finally, we just don't know what we don't know. Let's face it, by the time we reach 40 most of us have had much more direct experience with sex than financial planning, budgeting and education. In a world where knowledge is power and experience builds confidence, should it surprise anyone that people are more vocal and engaged on topics they know and love than those they just don't understand?

So what can be done? Mostly, we need to start talking about money. Take it off the "taboo" list at the dinner table, in the classroom, and in the media. Next, we need to recognize that young people communicate in a whole new way (e.g. texting, Facebook, digital media). Thus, we need to teach financial principles in a tone and medium they can relate to. Make it engaging, not boring. At the end of the day, it's important to remember that the onus is on us to "teach our children well" -- about both sex AND money.

History Of The Honey Trap: How Spies Use Sex As Bait

2010-03-17T14:17:18Z

MI5 is worried about sex. In a 14-page document distributed last year to hundreds of British banks, businesses, and financial institutions, titled "The Threat from Chinese Espionage," the famed British security service described a wide-ranging Chinese effort to blackmail Western businesspeople over sexual relationships. The document, as the London Times reported in January, explicitly warns that Chinese intelligence services are trying to cultivate "long-term relationships" and have been known to "exploit vulnerabilities such as sexual relationships ... to pressurise individuals to co-operate with them."

Karin Kloosterman: Super-Sexed Insects Are Better Mercenaries With Breakfast of Champions

2010-03-17T11:57:36Z

A new super-sex protein jock shake, "A Breakfast of Champions" for fruit flies and mosquitoes, to make them better lovers, and mercenaries of their own race?

Writing from the beach in Panama City, Florida during Spring Break, this new research from Hebrew U seems to ring true: that "males with the muscle," get the chicks -- in both the human and insect worlds.

According to a new study at an Israeli university, researchers have uncovered a new sustainable pest control technique using "super-sexed" (but sterile- sorry guys) male insects to copulate with female ones. The approach, the researchers hope, will help the agri business use less chemicals, such as DDT, used since early in the last century to control crop pests or carriers of diseases.

Their trick? A Breakfast of Champions jock drink.

Pest resistance is up, even with the use of nasty chemicals, and they have a serious effect on human health. That's why we eat organic. However, this approach has led to the evolution of resistance to pesticides and has severely negative impacts on human health and the environment.

Prof. Boaz Yuval at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem is now working on upgrading an old approach, known as the sterile insect technique. Useful against several dozen insect species, he is rearing million of insects that compete with or who eat the problematic and usually invasive pest.

The males will have sex with the female insects, but being sterile means that no baby insects will result. The sterile insects, are weaker than their "sexed" counterparts making this method not so effective in the long-run. Nature isn't that stupid! To counteract, Prof. Yuval has developed a super shake just like the ones jocks drink when pumping iron.

A high energy protein drink

Prof. Yuval has found that feeding males on high protein diets significantly improves their sexual performance and that bacteria residing in fruit flies are important, and that the factory reared flies lacked the bacteria found in wild insects.

A super-sexed fruit fly. Credit: Roi Caspi for Hebrew University.

With this information in hand, Yuval and his colleagues are formulating a high-protein, bacteria enhanced "breakfast of champions" which will be provided to males before their release, and significantly improve their sexual performance when released in the field. He thinks that this approach can be applied to a variety of plant and animal pests, as well as to organisms that transmit human disease, thus making an important, organic and environmentally friendly approach to pest control.

I wouldn't be surprised if they are giving out free samples of this stuff to the beach party-ers in Florida next year.

Image via Kaganof

Karin Kloosterman is the editor of Green Prophet, the only news blog dedicated to covering the environmental problems and achievements in the Middle East. To contact her with press announcements, tips or ideas, email karin.kloosterman (at) gmail.com. Or via Twitter @kloostermania

Read more: Environment, Israel, Middle East, Sex, Green News

Cory Silverberg: Erection Fretting (or Why We're Dying to Talk About Sex)

2010-03-17T11:27:00Z

We fret about erections. Those whose erections figure large in their sex lives fret about if they stop getting them, or if the ones they have now are different than the ones they had before. Those who rely on the erections of others for sex play fret that their partners lack of erection is a sign of lack of interest, lack of love, lack of lust.

Sex educators, desperately trying to derail unrealistic and narrowly conceived sexual norms, fret about how much everyone frets about erections. Forget the erections, we're sometimes heard shouting over the ramparts. There are more tools in heaven and earth that can arouse. And some of them come with multiple speeds, if you hadn't noticed.

But toys, fingers, and other body parts aren't actually substitutes for penises. They may at times be more pleasure producing, but suggesting they are the same thing seems pig headed.

And as a recent German study points out, there may be more reasons than a crisis of virility for men and their partners to stand at attention when their erections aren't. From a prepared release:

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a strong predictor of death from all causes and of heart attack, stroke and heart failure in men with cardiovascular disease (CVD), German researchers reported in Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association.

In the first study to show that ED is predictive of death and cardiovascular outcomes, researchers found that men with CVD and ED (compared to those without ED) were twice as likely to suffer death from all causes and 1.6 times more likely to suffer the composite of cardiovascular death, heart attack, stroke and heart failure hospitalization.

This isn't the first research to point out that erections (sensitive as they are to the waxing and waning fortunes of circulation) are something of a canary in a coal mine when it comes to heart health.

The researchers of the most recent study are calling on men to think about heart disease if they are noticing a change in their erections and calling on doctors to ask routinely about erectile functioning. I guess there's an argument that this is good, anything that gets us talking more about sexual health is positive. But in the absence of proper sexual health training for doctors and in the context of a health care system that never gives physicians and patients time to talk about tricky subjects, it's hard to know if the kinds of conversations that may happen as a result of this research and the media coverage of it, will do anyone any good.

Also it would be nice if just once we didn't have to wait to be told we might DIE before we start talking about sex.

Juliette Frette: High-End Prostitution: How 'Dirty Money' Complicates Notions of Women's Agency

2010-03-16T16:26:05Z

In the first and second wave feminist movements, social progress and women's empowerment appeared to be cut and dry: give us equal rights and opportunities, give us the vote, give us the choice, and treat us with respect. In these terms, we seem to have come quite a long way as we increasingly bridge the gender gaps that remain.

Yet some challenging questions and issues have reemerged, and are often re-packaged for additional consideration and critical analysis. Ah yes, how twisted is progress when we are so near to getting what we want just in time to reconsider the things we fought against!

A recent televised program on CNBC called 'Dirty Money: The Business of High-End Prostitution' headlines a topic that most of us would rather ignore. How a great number of women are selling themselves in every way that they can -- at high prices to be sure. How men are paying for it. How educated women with graduate degrees are doing it. How we have a new generation of bona fide courtesans and geishas who are simply on the down low.

How intrigued, disturbed, and confounded we find ourselves now as we confront the reality before us. The reality that has always been there -- the reality that has proliferated with the times, the technology, the internet, and ridden on the coattails of women's empowerment and freedom of choice.

The oldest profession in the world: prostitution. No longer confined to lurking in dark corners, it now appears to be thriving despite a severely wounded economy. Which begs a storm of questions: how does it work, who is behind it, and how do we feel about it? And for those who consider themselves feminists: how does this affect the well-being of women? The well-being of society?

Feminists are not just feminists anymore. While there are those who promote, support, and believe in equality and women's empowerment and are terrified of adopting the label for themselves, there are also those who publicly self-identify as a member of one or multiple subdivisions of the movement. Liberal feminists, radical feminists, eco-feminists, socialist feminists, and the list goes on.

And then we consider the individual issues where feminists are divided even further: pro and anti-porn feminists, pro and anti-stripper feminists, pro-prostitution feminists . . . and anti-prostitution feminists.

Of all the issues that complicate our vision of a perfect free and peaceful world, we focus now on prostitution. Why indeed does society hate it and support it at the same time? Is it good or is it bad for women? For men? And would legalizing it be a great or terrible idea?

Strangely enough, though the profession has been tragic and gruesome for many sex workers over the years, prostitutes have not always been the dregs of society as described by the historical blockbuster film Dangerous Beauty in 1998. Performed by Catherine McCormack, the character of famed Venetian courtesan Veronica Franco is portrayed in a context of conflict, beauty, and ultimate power as the role of high-class medieval escorts is revealed to have entitled women to education and empowerment unparalleled by their married counterparts. An echo of even older 'herstories,' records of antiquity are filled with stories, myths, and legends about prostitutes who were considered to be sacred aspects of divinity in various civilizations.

Now fast forward to the modern day, where women can be educated, accomplished, and successful without having to sell their sex. Yet, some educated women will still choose to be an escort nevertheless.

Fascinatingly, many of us from all points of the political spectrum can have the same opinion about this conundrum. A conservative can easily agree with a liberal that prostitution degrades women and erodes our dreams of a healthy community. Yet at the same time, like marijuana, we know that prostitution will probably never go away -- and some women freely choose this option, derive great satisfaction from it, and feel significantly empowered by what they do. Are they wrong?

As described in the program 'Dirty Money', a great many expensive escorts are exceedingly educated women with passions outside the realm of sex work and simply indulge in the trade for the money. Which leads us to wonder: if such women had better opportunities to earn an ample living working in pursuit of their original interests, wouldn't their position as a prostitute become a sad alternative rather than an unorthodox and empowering choice? If there are any other viable options at all thanks to say, a college degree or even a relentless work ethic, would prostitution still be an unfortunate choice anyway? Perhaps.

To be fair though, most of us cannot seem to find a way to do what we love for a living and therefore resort to our second and third choices of employment in other sectors. So we must ask ourselves: Is a wannabe actress a prostitute to serving at a restaurant? Is that person disempowered by the way she earns her tips solely because it is not her first choice? How about the accountant who would have rather been an environmental activist? Are these people doing a disservice to themselves and to society?

As with anything controversial, both sides oftentimes contribute excellent points. Paradoxically, the truth always somehow manages to be both universal and personal at the same time. While some hate prostitution and support its rights anyway, others will despise it and protest its existence. Still, others will wholeheartedly love everything about it. Then there are the ones who privately indulge in sexual services and publicly decry its bane on the world.

Either way, we cannot ignore the obvious. One day, we just might find ourselves evaluating the pros and cons of this profession in a way that repudiates or accepts it for the highest good of freedom, women, and the community.

Bella DePaulo: 'Relationship' Is a Very Big Word

2010-03-13T17:44:55Z

Yes, you are in a relationship.

Yesterday, I listened to an eminent relationship scholar talk about the research he has been conducting for decades. It is great work, and the talk was impressive. Except for one thing: When he talked about "relationships," he was actually referring to just one kind of relationship -- a romantic one.

In our everyday conversations, we often use the word "relationship" in that one specific way. So when you ask someone whether they are in a relationship, they will answer "no" as long as they are not in a coupled relationship.

"Relationship," though is a great big word. It covers all sorts of human connections, including ties to friends, parents, children, siblings, other family members, coworkers, neighbors, mentors, and more.

There is a lively academic field of personal relationships, complete with multiple journals, annual conferences, funded research projects, and stacks of books. Asked for a formal definition of "relationship," no scholar would limit the description only to connections that might include sex. Yet, that's how academics use the word in their talks and even in their scholarly publications.

Articles published in relationship-relevant journals have titles such as these:

"Theories of relationships"

"Reciprocity in relationships"

"Aspects of interpersonal relationships"

"Relationship quality and self-other concepts"

Yet these articles, and many others like them, aren't actually about relationships, in the big, broad, accurate sense of the word; they are only about couples' relationships.

Decades ago, when scholars did studies that included (say) only men, they could publish titles and summaries that referred to people in general, giving readers the impression that their research was about all of humanity. Only when readers got to the methods section would they realize that there were no women included in the research. These days, that's not allowed. First, unless you are studying something like prostate cancer, you can't include only men in your research and still get federal funding. Second, if you have a compelling reason to study just one group, you need to acknowledge that limitation in the abstract (summary). It is time for relationship researchers to do the same.

There's something much more troubling than the use of the word "relationship" in a way that excludes all relationship types except one. All of the other adult relationships are not just excluded in the wording; they are absent from the studies.

In 2002, Karen Fingerman and Elizabeth Hay searched through all of the articles published over the course of six years in the six academic journals that most often publish relationship-relevant research. They found 976 relevant studies. Then, for each relationship type, they counted the number of studies that included that relationship. Here I'll highlight the findings that show the contrast in attention paid to couples' relationships compared to other adult relationships (there were other results in addition to these):

432 studies of spouses
245 studies of romantic partners

12 studies of best friends
124 studies of friends
40 studies of siblings

The field of adult relationships research is dominated by the study of coupled relationships. Yet, if you were to ask people, all through their adult lives, if they have a romantic partner, a friend, or a sibling, you would find at every age that more people have a friend and more have a sibling than have a spouse or partner.

When I first wrote about the Fingerman and Hay study for this post, I did it from memory (except for looking up the exact numbers), since it is a study I've talked about many times before. Then when I searched for a link to include here, I reread the abstract and was reminded of something else that seems significant. In a second study, the authors asked relationship scholars and other people without advanced degrees to indicate how important they thought various kinds of relationships were. They found that "less-educated individuals rated many social ties as more important than did researchers who study relationships." Interesting, isn't it?

If you were to open the various child development journals and shake out all of the relationship research, you would be buried in an avalanche of studies of children's friendships. But among the scholars of adult relationships, it is as if they have decided that friends are for kids.

At a party held after the talk, as I was holding forth about how we should not use the word relationship to refer only to coupled relationships, an Asian scholar pointed out that the American obsession with the couple relationship is hardly universal. Where she grew up, it is the mother-child bond that is most central. Then another question was raised: Why is it that academics studying relationships had focused so overwhelmingly on couples' relationships? I don't know the answer, and will save my guesses for some other time. (Post yours here.)

For now, my bottom line is this: If you have a friend, a sibling, a parent, a child, a cousin, a coworker, a neighbor, or just about any other person in your life, and you maintain a connection with that person, you have a relationship. You are in a relationship.

I feel the same way about love. As I explained here, it is a word with big, broad meanings. Let's celebrate all of them.

[Note: A version of this post was published at Conducive Chronicle. Contributors there are, according to the website, "diverse progressives writing compassionate, critical and solutions-oriented news and culture. Building connections toward a better world." I just started blogging there and will only cross-post occasionally. If you'd like to subscribe to my RSS feed (or anyone else's), go to the home page of Conducive Chronicle, then on the right-hand side, toward the bottom, there is a list of authors (alphabetical by first name). You can click on my RSS there. Conducive Chronicle has a "recent comments" feature on the right-hand side, so if you post a comment, you will be listed there for a while.]

Corrie McCrae: Sometimes Size Does Matter

2010-03-12T11:58:00Z

A few years ago, one of my private Pilates clients shared a bit of personal information with me. Her husband is very well-endowed. I know what you're thinking. 'Poor her. Next thing you are going to tell me is that he is really good-looking.' He is. What can I say ladies? Sometimes life isn't fair.

In my client's case though, it was actually kind of a drag. You see her husband is REALLY big. He is so big that she was experiencing urinary incontinence and bladder infections after sex. She would feel so sensitive down there after sex that she could rarely do it more than once a week. Not so jealous anymore now that you know she had to spend an entire week post-coital feeling like she was going to pee her pants, right?

Sex-related urinary incontinence is actually pretty common. Sometimes it is a symptom of a more serious condition that needs medical attention. Often though, it is caused by weak pelvic floor muscles. The pelvic floor is a group of muscles in your pelvis that supports your bladder and uterus. The bottom layer of muscle wraps around your vagina, anus and urethra. Engaging the pelvic floor muscles stops the flow of urine. When these muscles are weak (or they get stretched out and stressed out from sex with your REALLY big partner), there can be leakage. Women who experience sex-related incontinence are also more likely to get urinary tract infections.

The good news is that mild leakage after sex is relatively easy to improve by strengthening the pelvic floor muscles. I started to incorporate pelvic floor exercises, or kegels, into my client's Pilates routine. She built pelvic floor strength quickly and soon reported that her problems had gotten less frequent and severe. And, since strengthening the pelvic floor also increases the intensity of orgasms, she got an added bonus.

Some girls have all the luck.

Chatroulette Map: Pictures From Chatroulette Geocoded Using IP Address

2010-03-12T10:14:56Z

Chatroulette just got a little less anonymous. But actually, it never was.

Chatroulette Map is a new web site that uses the IP addresses of Chatroulette users to plot their locations to a map.

A quick visit to the site shows what appears to be an accurate cross-section of the video chat service's users at any given time. There are people goofing off, starring into space, and liberal amounts of male genitalia--all plotted on a world map, down to the city block.

But don't believe everything you see.

Because some Chatroulette users mask their IP addresses, thus concealing their exact locations, it's possible that some of the photos on Chatroulette Map are not geotagged to the locations where they originated.

In the age of social networking, Chatroulette stood out for its lack of user profiles and it's single-minded approach to randomly connecting users across the globe. But Chatroulette Map proves that just because there's no profile, that doesn't mean users are anonymous.

A person responding to the site's email address told The Huffington Post that Chatroulette Map's main goal is to "dissuade" people of the notion that Chatroulette offers total anonymity and security.

Asked whether they were worried about publishing identifying details of naked or masturbating users, they responded "No one should be masturbating on the site anyway," and explained that Chatroulette says as much every time a user visits the web site.

For people who want their photo removed from the site, the FAQ page says that administrators will remove a picture as long as those complaining can offer some verification that they are the person in the image.

Eventually, the site hopes to give users the ability to rate the photos and search for images by location.

According to Chatroulette Map, Andrey Ternovskiy, the 17-year-old Russian creator of Chatroulette, has contacted the site saying he finds the mashup "enjoyable."

David Helvarg: Sexy Celebrity Seas

2010-03-11T16:06:49Z

So now that dolphins have won their first Oscar for The Cove, the documentary about Flipper's former trainer Ric O'Barry and his fight to stop the slaughter of dolphins in Japan, what other piscine celebrities might we see emerging from the briny depths of our ocean world? TMZ take note.

Obviously you have your Free Willy-type Orcas also known as killer whales (or in the case of one Sea World captive linked to three deaths, serial killer whales). You have what your scientists call white sharks but what their publicists rebranded great white sharks or fabulous white sharks (see my story, Shark is the new Dolphin). Of course, blue whales have been singing the blues since before Diana Ross played Billie Holiday in that biopic. Your humpbacks have long been known for their singing ability (their first solo album came out in the 1970s) but are now increasingly in demand for stunt work with their breaching trick where they jump full-bodied out of the water like 40-ton versions of snowboarder Shaun White. You'll see some of their best work in Disney's major new film Oceans, coming out April 22, Earth Day (Ocean Day is June 8). While I don't consider myself a die-hard fan of Humpback Mountain I have seen these whales feeding on fresh fish off Alaska in the summer and then spending their winters breeding off Hawaii, and if that's not proof that they're highly intelligent, I don't know what is.

Still, since Tom Hanks celebrated the political wisdom of the cognitively challenged in Forrest Gump, sea critters without brains or backbones have also been getting better parts in the movies. For about a fin you can see the appearance of computer generated ocean jellies and coral tubeworms re-imaged as airborne floaters and jungle plants in Jim Cameron's epic movie Avatar, whose otherworldly marine phosphorescent beauty, he freely admits, was inspired by his diving and oceanic explorations.

But of course the ocean, like Hollywood or a wolf eel, also has its dark underbelly, and I'm not just talking about krill addiction. Many of the sea's leading stars (including sea stars) have sexual reproductive strategies that would make Tiger Woods blush.

Some sea critters like sponges and shellfish are hermaphrodites, indiscriminate broadcast spawners though I'd consider that more generous than shellfish. A number of fish are transgender. Take your goliath grouper (formerly known as the Jewfish, one of my peeps). Groupers all start out as females, but as they grow older and larger they become males. Unfortunately with so many big males being fished out you tend to get an abundance of females with little chance to meet new guys and make baby groupers. Evolution, not being sexist, applies the same reproductive strategy to anemone (or Nemo) fish, only with the largest and most protective of any grouping being the alpha female. If she dies the next largest male will convert over several days to become the new alpha female. In Finding Nemo Disney Pictures just wasn't prepared to show Nemo's dad becoming his new mom.

And then of course you have your Atlantic bottlenose dolphins like Flipper whose sex habits are closer to Hell's Angels' than hippies (didn't know you could pull a train through the water, did you?). Also (and this may be the time for young children to stop reading) your terminally cute and cuddly G-rated sea otters, like some Hollywood agents, turn out to be voracious marine-weasels with a penchant for rough sex.

The male otter's arms (legs, whatever) are effective for grooming their fine pelts but are too short for getting a good grip on a mate. So they get firm purchase by biting down on the female's nose before going for a little splendor in the kelp. Afterward you can often spot the females hauled up on rocks along the shore, their fur matted and their noses bloody. It's not hard to imagine that a female with a heavily scarred nose, like Madonna in her "Truth or Dare" days, might get a reputation as an easy otter.

But whatever you think about these celebrity sea critters as role models for American youth, we owe them big-time. Over a million sea otters have been killed for their pelts as have millions of seals, seabirds and sea turtles (all seven species of which are now endangered). Tens of millions of whales were killed for their oil and meat before the 1980s ban on commercial whaling and now the U.S. government is considering going along with a proposed International Whaling Commission plan to renew hunting permits. The dolphin slaughter documented in The Cove has not yet ended while large intelligent and culturally collaborate animals like orcas continue to live foreshortened lives in captivity while their family pods decline in the wild. There are only about 3,000 white sharks left on the planet, about the same number as wild tigers.

Globally we're killing off hammerhead sharks, bluefin tuna and other marine wildlife faster than they can reproduce. In fact with all the cascading threats to ocean life from industrial overfishing, pollution, loss of habitat and climate change, I worry that the next epic blockbuster may be ApocalypSea Now!

John DeBellis: To Date Republican or Democrat

2010-03-11T11:04:30Z

I've been single for awhile and though I seem to lack the dating gene, I don't like myself that much where I'm willing to spend the rest of my life in my own company, especially with a limited wardrobe. So I keep trying experimental stuff like smiling and saying hello instead of burying my face in a woolen hat and sneezing. But on those days where I actually contract a date, I've noticed a remarkable difference between going out with a Democrat and Republican.

The most difficult part is getting a Republican of any sort not to say "no," even before you ask them any question. If somehow you can persuade them into thinking by going out with you you're bailing out her father on Wall Street, then you may get a "yes." If you're able to get an actual date, the Republican will only settle for going to an upscale establishment that only accepts credit cards with extremely high interest rates, while the Democrat will actually give you a choice in the matter and might even consider bringing a dish.

Once on the date the Republican will constantly be judging you, not only by the choice of red meat you select, but how rare you prefer it and how many hormones and artificial additives you are willing to ingest for her, but also they expect you to refuse to eat if served by someone they suspect to be an illegal alien or doesn't have a crucifix dangling from his or her neck. Heaven forbid, they have a loud watch and ticking is heard, your date (probably an NRA member) will most likely be packing a weapon and your waiter will be out of a life. The Democrat on the other hand would be willing to go to a food coalition buffet or order takeout from Chernobyl as long as the packaging is recycled.

I once went to an all you can eat restaurant with a Republican but that was only because she thought that the sign should be interpreted as all she can eat, and the rest be tossed in plastic non bio degradable garbage bags. The dinner conversation with a Democrat might range from personal stories to global warming, healthcare etc. With the Republican it is usually about how everything in the world should belong to her, while talking on her cell phone, and pointing at imperfections in your sports jacket.

At the end of the dinner the Democrat might even offer to pay half or at least leave a decent tip. The Republican on the other hand will expect you to buy the most expensive wine, at least one bottle, will eat only a mouthful of food, while watching the rest rot on her plate, and then expecting you to pay the entire bill, leave exactly a 15 percent tip, on your card, or in small demeaning coins.

The Democrat even if there isn't any chemistry will allow you to take her home and at least give you a hand shake. The Republican woman will insist you drive her to the door, opening it for her (even if you're in a car crash and need the jaws of life to get out), and then let you shake hands with her door man while she takes the elevator.

Okay all of this is an exaggeration, but the truth is you may meet and have the greatest time with a Democrat or Republican but I can't see myself spending my days with someone who thinks that global warming is a myth (thus rationalizing killing bears for her fur coat), Jesus was for profits instead of being a prophet, and that dying from curable disease is collateral damage from only being middle class.

P.S. I've never been great at using those dating sights where they find you some one that has similar traits. It cost me a fortune to find out that I have twin sister. So I set up my own fun dating site where I'm the only guy a girl can date. Check out www.datedebellis.com or follow it on Twitter.

Stephen Balkam: Sex.com To Be Auctioned: Hey, Bill Gates, How About Bidding on it?

2010-03-10T15:10:34Z

One of the most valuable pieces of cyber-real estate is up for sale. According to Wired, sex.com will be auctioned on March 16 and the opening bid is a mere one million dollars. Do we really need another porn site? Can we make do with the estimated 1.3 million sex-related sites already on the web? Never mind the ever popular user-generated sites where folk upload last night's activity for free without so much as a fee or password required.

No, I think it would be an amazing piece of largess - not to mention an inspired acquisition - if Bill Gates and his Foundation, were to outbid everyone and snap up this heavily trafficked site. Then the smart folks at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation could convert sex.com into the world's leading safe sex portal in an effort to stop the spread of HIV and the myriad of other sexually transmitted diseases, while also curbing the rise of unwanted teenage pregnancy.

Whatever you think of online porn -- whether you have a laissez-faire attitude or are an outright opponent of the stuff -- the world wide web would not miss the disappearance of sex.com as a sexual shop front.

What would be inspired would be the appearance of educated and fact-based messages, videos, tips and guides on how to have a wonderful and loving sex life being responsible and safe for you and your partner. Who better to deliver such a site than the man who presided first over the spread of the personal computer to every corner of the globe and who is doing his level best to give away his personal fortune, particularly to those corners where HIV/AIDS and other STD's are so rampant.

So come on, Bill, be a sport. $1M or thereabouts certainly won't break the bank. Put a smile on our faces and a good feeling in our hearts. And, in the future, when kids land on sex.com they'll get some real sexual education and tips that will keep them, their partners and, eventually, their own children safe. You know it's the right thing to do.

Lisa Haisha: Seducing the Dead in Amsterdam

2010-03-10T12:09:37Z

Some believe that the path to the metaphysical is the physical; that in order to feel the soul it is necessary to first embrace the body. But Teresa works as a prostitute in Amsterdam where for years one unrequited desire has burned beneath the surface of her numbed skin. She yearns to be touched in her soul by someone who has not first paid her to flesh-out a fantasy.

Snaking through Stifled Alleyways in a Creepy Conga Dance

Being open to new experiences, even the ones that seem so foreign to us, can help to build a more understanding, compassionate, empathic self.

The Amsterdam evening was a sharp, sad contrast to a day bathed in the splendor of the Van Gogh Museum. Its collection includes 200 hundred of his works, and the colors of his Japanese prints so inspired me that I could almost smell the scent of cherry blossoms as I was reminded of my travels to Japan. But after midnight the air in the old city's legal red light district becomes filled with the stale odor of sex for sale.

Sleazy characters shuffle along the bustling streets as if rushing to join the plot of a Dickens novel. Passageways echo with moans. People squeeze past me, impatient to get to the main attraction: the famous Theatre Casa Rosso with its "Live Sex Show."

In the throbbing heart of an international sex supermarket I watch women try to turn calculated gestures and glances into professional profits. Red neon makes dim-lit doorways glow in front of the miniature storefront glass facades of the small cubicle of prostitution. Scantily clad women of all ages, looks, and ethnicities pose and purr with promises of paid excitement. A surging mass of humanity pulses past - a swarm of shadows buzzing with sexual anticipation.

"Looky-Loos" and Interviews:

Put yourself into an uncomfortable situation but enter with an open mind. You'll experience a surprising outcome and exit the other side of it with fresh and unexpected insights.

I pass a small shop advertising peep shows. Men with hungry eyes enter as others with lax faces leave. One eyes me lasciviously as he wipes his hands on his pants. A gorgeous Swedish-looking teenage blonde spots me from behind her viewing glass. She teases her thin, tanned frame flirtatiously as she opens the door to look me up and down.

"Would it be possible to interview you?" I ask.

"Interview? No." She starts to close the door. "If my parents found out it would make them sad and angry. Journalists always make us out to be victims. We're not. I want to be here. I enjoy my work."

"How long have you been working here?"

"Three months. Please, no more questions. Good luck." Feeling heavier in the heart I continue along the street with its smorgasbord of women for rent.

Unrecognized Angels:

Don't judge others. Everyone has a purpose and we often don't know what our own - or other peoples' - purpose is. Rather than critique choices, behaviors, career paths or life decisions it is more meaningful to listen and learn profound lessons from those experienced in ways that we are not.

An aging blonde jiggles her assets like a conductor leading an orchestra but the only attention she gets is chuckles and bad jokes tossed her way. Something about her intrigues me. We lock eyes and five seconds feels like an hour. I nod; she pauses. I smile; she fidgets with her thinning, bleached-out hair and releases the latch from her door. I ask her if we can just talk.

"Why?" she asks.

"I'm writing an article about the women here."

"Okay, but no cameras."

"No problem."

"It's your session," she says. The price is fifteen minutes, 50 dollars U.S."

I sit on a chair next to the bed and ask her name. "Teresa," she says, taking a long drag on her cigarette. She's been at this for six years, and says she only works four days a week. "I could work more but I find it spiritually exhausting."

She explains how the prostitutes have regulated check-ups. "But, shit, I've had every venereal disease you can get except AIDS. Crabs, herpes, syphilis, the works. You go to the doctor, you take the pills; you get better. People make such a big deal of it."

I ask about her childhood. "What childhood? I grew up fast." I ask about her job. "It's work - and hell, does anyone enjoy working?"

"What do the men expect?" I wonder.

She takes another hit from her cig. "They get what they come for. They all dream about this little room before they arrive. It's like a fairytale to them. They expect a princess, and they get Theresa. But they can't see me; they only see their fantasy. I'm just the vessel to take them where they want to go. I don't see them, either. Everyone has the same face, same smell. If they don't get off, that's their problem. I tell them to change their fantasy or take Viagra. This small room is the house of the dead."

I gingerly ask "If you could have one wish, what would it be?"

"One wish?" She pauses and thinks. "To experience at least once in my life having my soul touched instead of my body." A deep sadness transforms her face. "With no exchange of money. But it's too late for that."

She stands, gesturing for me to do the same. I pay her and thank her for her honesty. She shrugs, pulls the drapes open, and opens the door to let an old Asian man inside. She offers no smile, no good-bye. I'm just another faceless customer.

Entwined in Tragic Lives:

What am I doing here in a crowded corridor of smut with these empty souls, entwined in their tragic lives? Am I one of them? Is everyone?

I rejoin the swollen crowd of sightseers and slither past men queued up and waiting to slip into small, dank-smelling cubicles where they will rendezvous with private fantasies. Suddenly I'm confronted with the sour breath of an old male face in front of me. I pull my coat tighter around my body and push on, pretending to be unfazed.

With a more purposeful stride I head back to the sanctuary of my room as I try to assimilate the experiences of the last 24 hours and reconcile my newfound lessons.

Women of the (Starry) Night:

Especially for those raised in more conservative environments the conspicuous lack of inhibition in Amsterdam's red light district can test or recalibrate one's moral compass. But it reaffirmed my belief that when we allow ourselves to venture beyond familiar enclaves we face our fear of the unknown.

Knowing dissipates fright and invites the potential for enlightenment. When we fear others it leads to hatred. But when we feel safe around others it invites the possibility for love.

I don't know what complex paths or storied journeys have led souls like Teresa into their current circumstances. She does not like her situation. But instead of folding her cards she has the fortitude and dignity to play the hand she's been dealt until her fortune hopefully changes. We have to take responsibility for our own survival when faced with dire circumstances, and tough choices inform our true destiny.

Looking up at the night sky I envision Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and think of how he painted and fed so many trollops. Women of the night - of nights just like this one - inspired Vincent. They were crucial companions who helped him create, and perhaps I should feel envy - not pity - for these muses. As author Henry Miller said, "Only whores appreciate me." Maybe such women - who step forward to willingly embrace a nobler alternative to victimization - are history's unrecognized angels.

Nurturing Anne Frankness:

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be, how much you can love, what you can accomplish, and what your potential is." (Anne Frank)

Young Anne marveled at how wonderful it is that "nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world," and she said, "I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains."

Journal like Anne Frank did. Start documenting your days so you can look back on your past year and discover how much you've grown and what you want the following year to look like.

Along the way others will touch you for free - deep within your soul.

Steven Mesler: The Gay Marriage Bubble

2010-03-10T08:19:19Z

>While reading Cynthia Nixon's recent lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cynthia-nixon/its-a-helluva-state_b_380268.html"> >post > on the failure of the New York
State legislature to pass a gay marriage bill, I had an epiphany. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> >As the corporate flack says in the movie Avatar,
"Look at all that cheddar."

Modified screen shot from the movie Avatar

>Here's the problem; style='color:windowtext'> color:windowtext'>New York State is flat broke and we've style='color:windowtext'> color:windowtext'>got a 9 billion dollar gap in our forthcoming budget. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> >Gay marriage is our solution, but only if we act soon
because we already have href="http://lesbianlife.about.com/cs/wedding/a/wheremarriage.htm"> >competition. lang=RU >Let's implore our dear
departing Governor to do more than just href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_New_York"> >recognize lang=RU > that others have done the
right thing, let's demand that he make New York the Las Vegas of gay marriage. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>

>Think of it as opening a foreign market up to our
exports, although in its current state of affairs it might be the most suspect
product offering since shipping the Pinto to Japan. style='color:windowtext'> color:windowtext'>In 1990 9.8 people for every 1000 of us in the United States
married. lang=RU >10 years later it had fallen
to 8.3, and by 2006 it had fallen to 7.5. style='color:windowtext'> color:windowtext'> Half of all those who do get married, will get divorced. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> >At this rate, if we restrict the legal right to marry
to heterosexuals, the marriage industrial complex in the United States will go
the way of href="http://www.diacenter.org/sites/page/1/1003"> >factories >. style='color:windowtext'>

>Dan Savage writes lang=RU >that about four percent of
the population is gay so that works out to about 7,600,000 more marriage
eligible adults. lang=RU >Let's be optimistic and say
there is pent up demand for marriage in the gay community and so 20 percent of
them want to get hitched. lang=RU >That's 760,000 weddings
right? lang=RU >We make New York the funnest
place to get hitched, and we can capture half the gay nuptials every year. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>

>Let's add up all that cheddar. style='color:windowtext'> color:windowtext'>Americans spend an average of $25,000 on their celebrations
but lets be honest, in New York you couldn't rent a closet large enough for the
Patterson re-election committee for that kind of scratch. style='color:windowtext'> color:windowtext'>Cynthia and Michelle aren't escaping the lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> >Waldorf lang=RU > for under $500k not
including their gorgeous, href="http://www.stkildajewelry.com/detail/5,0/"> color:windowtext'>lesbian designed wedding rings lang=RU >. style='color:windowtext'>

I'm
going to say that the average wedding held in the city is going to run to
$75,000, therefore we could boost our local economy with an immediate jolt of
2.85 billion dollars, followed by another billion every year in queer
couplings.

Wedding rings by gay jeweler Nora Kogan for St Kilda.

>But seriously folks, this is about love and light. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> >It's about civil rights, it's about human rights. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> >In preparation for writing this I asked my
father-in-law, Robert Leonard Powers, retired style='color:windowtext'> href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/16/us/16episcopal.html"> >Episcopal lang=RU > Priest and esteemed lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> href="http://www.adlerianpsychologyassociates.com/about.html"> >Adlerian Psychologist lang=RU >, for his thoughts. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> >His full comments are style='color:windowtext'> href="http://docs.google.com/View?id=dfkc2wrn_635dntvp7cb"> >here, lang=RU >but I'm going finish out the
rest of this post with his last three paragraphs. style='color:windowtext'> color:windowtext'>He writes:

>Old ideas about marriage, its nature, its
social purpose, its stability, and its sanctity have been steadily questioned
ever since the Reformation, the Enlightenment, and the discovery of reliable
birth-control. This has occasioned a great deal of uneasiness, as any
disruption of custom and expectation is bound to do, and with this comes
viewing with alarm, denunciations, and rear-guard efforts to paste up the
shreds of patriarchal history.

>Knowing this, there is certainly a touching
confidence revealed in the continuing idea that sacred ceremony can serve to
safeguard any personal (and commonly all-too-often impermanent) efforts at
fidelity and solemn covenant. lang=RU > When same-sexed couples
who treasure each other's being in the world want to present themselves
somewhere regarded as sacred space, and to act in what they want to be a sacred
way in declaring their desire to love and to cherish each other throughout the
vicissitudes of mortal life, it seems grudging to argue that they must be
refused whatever strength and consolation may come through a priest's prayers
and acts of blessing. We can only hope that now, in a turbulent time of change,
lang=RU >it may help them, when
they encounter refusal, to remember that for one thousand or more years any
sexual lang=RU > union of any kind was
refused this blessing.

Robert L. Powers and his wife Jane Griffith of almost 30 years

>To shift to my Clinical Psychology position, I can
only add that it is crazy to oppose the actions of people who mean no harm to
you, and do no harm to you. The less sympathy you are able to have for people
unlike you the more vulnerable you are to mental illness and every other
self-crippling limitation. The less you are able to treasure the variant on the
human possibilities of loyalty and mutual care represented by those whose
experiences of life are and have been, often painfully, unlike yours, and the
more hostile and antagonistic your feelings are with respect to them, the
greater the danger, to you and to the rest of us, that you will be inclined to
do harm. The commandment to love your neighbor as yourself has nothing to do
with religious customs and ceremony. It is the formula for the common life of
humankind, and of all life, and of all being, to receive, to pass on, and to
bestow the happiness that is at the heart of every Blessing. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>

Linda E. Savage: Telling The Truth About Sex

2010-03-08T12:10:00Z

Let's face it, telling the truth about your sexual experience to your partner is daunting, especially when it goes beyond "it was wonderful, honey" or some version of that accolade. This blog is not about the "how was that for you" discussions after sex. Most people have gotten the message by now: doing a post-mortem evaluation of a sexual encounter is not a good idea. If you haven't figured that out yet--stop doing it right now!

When I refer to 'the truth,' I mean self-disclosure, not ego stroking to please a partner and score emotional points. At first, engaging in these types of conversations are best outside of the bedroom, or at least when you have clothes on and are feeling relaxed, otherwise performance anxiety will take over, or feelings of shame or defensiveness. The truth that is crucial for great sex in long term relationships is the sharing of your deepest feelings about how you experience sexuality. And that includes a whole lot of what has shaped us: our encounters with others, our awareness of sexual energy, our most vulnerable fantasies, our unique interests, and much about our personal history -- the whole shebang. But the most interesting and satisfying truth that can move your sexual experience to a much higher level is telling your partner what is true in the moment. That truth includes both inner knowing and outer expression.

Telling the truth is the fifth energy center of the body, the Throat Chakra. It is about the flow of energy through your voice: how you express or suppress your truth. Telling the truth is a level II (Conscious Loving) communication skill and 'voice' includes inner wisdom, that 'still small voice' that we listen to by quieting the mind. And it also includes the spoken word, what we share with a partner. Intimate relationships are the only ones where it is critical to express our vulnerable awareness. The ability to describe with words your interior experience to someone you love takes significant practice. It can be tricky to find just the right way to say what you mean without blame which would make it impossible to have good sex because defensiveness and anger stifle sexual energy. To be effective, Level II communication must be congruent with what you are feeling. It must be non-blaming and tempered with kindness.

Conscious Loving means that as the listener, you must focus on being fully present, staying open and curious about rather than reactive to what your partner is saying. Then, in order to speak your truth, you must first sense what you are feeling and then share that information in the most truthful and non-judgmental way. One of the best ways to practice knowing your own truth (and not judging it) is through Mindful Meditation. Originally brought to the West through John Kabat-Zinn's book, Full Catastrophe Living, you can get more information from the internet and then find a class offered near you.

The definition of intimacy is the desire to know and be known by another. It is the foundation of great long-term sex. This ability to both listen and share without judgment is so crucial that I would say to anyone interested in practicing spiritual sex that this is the foundation, once you have learned to open your heart. An open heart is not enough because just loving someone does not mean you will tell the truth in the moment and often you might do just the opposite. We have so little training in self-disclosure in this culture and so many relationships are enmeshed in the belief that "if you can't say anything nice, doesn't say anything at all" (until so much resentment has built up you can't stand it). This belief stifles saying the most important words that need expression to allow sex to become REAL.

Once you have become good at expressing your truth without judgment, you can try it during sex. This takes a lot of skill, since our culture has many beliefs, all based on the performance model, about what "should" and "should not" be expressed during sex. The kind of truth I have been discussing connects us deeply to ourselves and our partner and it is that connection that leads to a feeling of transparency, where we are so open and vulnerable that we are fully engaged and responsive to our beloved.

Michael B. Laskoff: Sex, Drugs & ADD/ADHD

2010-03-06T11:02:18Z

Call it what you like - ADD, ADHD, AD/HD, Attention Deficit Disorder (with or without hyperactivity) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. This condition, by any name, gets the majority of its 'press' from in the public arena -- failure at school or work. But that's just its outward face. At least for adults, the really insidious stuff often occurs in the private sphere. As a result, many adults who suspect that they have the condition fail to get treatment; they figure if it's not affecting their job so the problem cannot be ADHD. That's not just wrong, it's also a cause of preventable misery.

Simply, people with ADHD tend to crave stimulation and stink at moderation. That's a bad combination when there are so many ways to achieve instant gratification with lasting, nasty consequences. It's even worse, arguably, for people who do manage to perform well at work but are so bored that they're constantly seeking a new thrill.

What follows are the big three. These tend to get misrepresented as just 'moral failings' but are really very common ways that out-of-control ADHD adults seek stimulation to their own detriment.

1. Sex: Sex is a good thing, except when it's not. For example, sex with someone other than your spouse/partner on a regular basis can lead to nasty break-ups, divorce, custody battles, etc. Sex with strangers (without the proper use of condoms) can lead to all kinds of STD's, which you might inadvertently share with people you love. In fact, all kinds of legal sex can ruin your life. This doesn't mean that everyone with ADHD is a slut (male or female), but it's a common 'high risk' behavior that many untreated people with ADHD tend to indulge.

2. Gambling: I have never gambled, precisely because I'm so sure that once I start, I'll love it. Unfortunately, lots of people with ADHD do get the fever and are more than happy to blow all kinds of money that they have or don't have. And you don't need Vegas, a bookie or an Indian casino to make this happen. The stock market will do quite nicely, as will a credit card with a very high limit. For many, reckless spending is just as stimulating as losing money on games of chance.

3. Drugs: For me, caffeine was the drug of choice. I would try to limit myself to a dozen shots of espresso a day. I often failed. For others, crystal meth (methamphetamine) turns out to have been even better. And despite what many people think, most adults with ADHD aren't doing this to party: they're doing it to work. Stimulants, for many of us with the condition, are focusing and calming. That leads to better performance at work, happy bosses, financial reward, etc. Those are the precise 'rewards' that tend lead us beyond moderation and headlong into the realm of excess.

Like most activities, sex, drugs and gambling are just fine for most people in moderation. If you have ADHD, however, you don't really 'do' moderation. Fortunately, coginitive therapy, behavioral coaching, appropriate pharmaceuticals and understanding the realities of your condition can help you to curb excess and manage your condition. So, if you think that you might have ADHD or know that you do but remain untreated, get yourself some assistance. Treatments aren't always perfect, but they do frequently lead to happier lives.

Michael B. Laskoff
CEO, AbilTo.com

David Wygant: Celebrities Need To Shut Up About Their Sex Lives

2010-03-05T13:36:00Z

I've been coaching people on dating and sex for years, and I have a question. Am I missing something here?

Are we supposed to be talking about our sex life with everybody we meet? Are we supposed to walk up to someone we first meet at Whole Foods and say, "Hey, how are you doing? You know what? I've only slept with three women in my entire life. I'm happy to meet you. My name is David."

A woman goes to a cocktail party. Should she announce to the partygoers, "Let me tell all of you. I have only had sex with three men in my entire life." Is this okay?

I mean, first John Mayer (about whom I recently wrote) decided he was going to publicize what an amazing sex life he had with two of Hollywood's biggest "it girls." Now Megan Fox has publicly admitted that she's only had sex with two guys.

It's amazing. It seems that Hollywood has gone from diet-itis, to baby-itis, and now to sex-itis.

What's next? Will we hear Tom Cruise admit that he actually never had sex with Katie Holmes, and that baby Suri was artificially inseminated by Scientology sperm? Who knows.

What are we going to get hit with next? It used to be that the biggest "news" about celebrities was about those who were coming out of the closet.

Do you remember when Neil Patrick Harris, aka Doogie Howser, decided he was going to be publicly gay and all of a sudden came out of the closet? Everyone was shocked. Oh my God, not Doogie Howser! It was such a big deal for him to talk about his sexual orientation.

Now it seems that celebrities feel the need to tell the world everything about their sex lives. The newest thing is celebrities talking about with how many people they've had sex.

The question is why do we care? I don't really care how many people someone has had sex with so far in their life.

This actually relates to a much deeper topic. How many of you start dating someone, get to know them, and then when you find out how many lovers they've had you judge and evaluate them?

How many of you men always judge women based on how many men they've had sex with before they were dating you? You think, "Oh my God, she's had 10 lovers before me. I don't know how to deal with that" or "Oh man, she's slept with 15 people. I don't know if I can deal with that."

Here is how you deal with that information. You don't do anything.

Whatever happened before someone was with you really doesn't matter. If someone had sex before they were with you -- even up to the day before they were with you -- that is no reason to judge them. You didn't exist in their life at that time.

If someone had sex with 20 people before they met you, why judge them? You weren't part of their life at the time they were having sex with any of those people. The only thing you should care about is that they are no longer having sex with any of those people now that they are having sex with you.

We need to stop being such a puritanical society when it comes to sex. We need to stop judging others about their sex life.

Now, when John Mayer decided he was going to air his dirty laundry all over the place, I basically told you that was not a cool thing to do. I told you that what he did is the number one turnoff to women.

When you are dating someone, though, you should never judge them on their past. Never judge someone based on how many lovers they have had or how many relationships they have had.

Remember that everything they have experienced before being with you is a lesson they needed to learn, and something they needed to do and embrace. Everyone's experiences make them the unique person that you are falling in love with right now. So let's stop judging others and start looking at our own lives.

Oh, and if you run out of things to talk about at a cocktail party this weekend, then just be like Megan Fox and reveal your sexual past to everyone in the room. You can tell everyone, "You know I've only slept with 48 people in my life, but none yet this year. So I am looking for my first lover of 2010. Anybody want to do me tonight?"

Jodi Jacobson: The Church and Gays: Can't Decide Whether to "Love 'Em" or "Leave 'Em?"

2010-03-05T13:22:09Z

Could it be divine intervention? Or would that be divine punishment?

This week, just days after Catholic Charities cut off spousal insurance and employment benefits for all employees to protect itself from the scourge of gay marriage in the District of Columbia, the Vatican is embroiled in a gay sex scandal.

Last Monday, employees at Catholic Charities were told they would lose spousal health benefits to "avoid offering benefits to same-sex partners of its workers," the latest spiteful move of Catholic Charities and the Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, which has been threatening hell-fire and damnation ever since DC began the process of legalizing same-sex marriage.

Meanwhile, persons "within the household of the Pope" were engaging in what could only be called "solicitation and trafficking" for the purpose of homosexual sex.

With respect to homosexual persons, it seems the institutional Catholic Church can't decide whether to love 'em or leave 'em.

The Church of course, has a very, very strong moral stance about sex, sexuality, and reproduction. You know, the one that leads organizations like the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops to try to dictate to everyone else in the world how to live and what decisions to make from "conception to natural death," including with whom and how to have sex in between.

That Church, for which the "truth," and "morality," and "god's will" is so immutably clear that the very laws of the United States of America--and all the hospitals and health care centers within it--are, if the Church has its way, to be governed by Church principals, never mind public health or medical science. The Church whose own religious teachings demand that marriage be defined between one man and one woman--even civil marriage--and for which sex can only be had within marriage.

Unless of course you are a priest, and have sex with children or men, and can of course keep it a secret, as clearly those folks in Vatican City were hoping to do.

This whole finger-wagging and hypocrisy thing is getting so old, especially for an institution that professes to care about every one. Every one being of course fetuses before birth and all heterosexual men. The rest of us be damned...quite literally, as I understand it.

So first the benefits. The Washington Post reports employees were informed early this week that Catholic Charities would no longer offer benefits to spouses of new employees or to spouses of current employees who are not already enrolled in their plan.

"We looked at all the options and implications," said the charity's president, Edward J. Orzechowski. "This allows us to continue providing services, comply with the city's new requirements and remain faithful to the church's teaching."

A former executive at Catholic Charities strongly criticized the change, according to the Post:

Tim Sawina, who was until last year one of the group's highest-ranking executives, called the elimination of spousal health benefits "devastating" and "wrong" in a letter Wednesday to the governing boards of the social service organization.

The Archdiocese and Catholic Charities, which receives $22 million from the city for social service programs, tried to have it both ways, first through a bit of, shall we say, strong-arming. Catholic Charities threatened to withdraw its services from DC: To protest the same-sex marriage proposal, Catholic Charities stated it might not be able to continue its contracts with the city, including operating homeless shelters and facilitating city-sponsored adoptions.

According to the Post:

Being forced to recognize same-sex marriage, church officials said, could make it impossible for the church to be a city contractor because Catholic teaching opposes such unions.

That effort fizzled big time when numerous other agencies stepped up and said they'd gladly take over those contracts. In the end, that is what happened: According to the Post, "[a]fter the council voted to legalize gay marriage, Catholic Charities last month transferred its foster-care program -- 43 children, 35 families and seven staff members -- to another provider, the National Center for Children and Families."

So I guess they had to find a way to pout further for fear that the charity receiving funds from taxpayers might actually be forced to do the abhorrent thing and actually help support the partner or spouse of a gay person.

The church faced two options with the approval of the new law, said Robert Tuttle, a George Washington University professor who studies the relationship between church and state. One choice was to expand the definition of domestic partner, as the Archdiocese in San Francisco did years ago, to include a parent, sibling or someone else in the household.

The second choice was to do what the Washington Archdiocese has done: eliminate benefits for all spouses.

"For decades, the church has been at the forefront of worker benefits, so this move cuts against their understanding of social justice and health benefits to all possible," Tuttle said. "But obviously, you can see they felt there was a real conflict between those values. They feel they weren't left with much of a choice."

Staff members at the charity were not given advance notice of the new policy and will not be able to add a spouse now because the most recent open enrollment period ended in November.

Yep. Those values.

Nice.

Meanwhile, back at the Vatican ranch, so to speak, there's been some hanky-panky going on. The Guardian UK reports that

"the Vatican was today rocked by a sex scandal reaching into Pope Benedict's household after a chorister was sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting." [Emphasis added...couldn't help it.]

According to the Guardian:

Angelo Balducci, a Gentleman of His Holiness, was caught by police on a wiretap allegedly negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a 29-year-old Vatican chorister, over the specific physical details of men he wanted brought to him. Transcripts in the possession of the Guardian suggest that numerous men may have been procured for Balducci, at least one of whom was studying for the priesthood.

This has caused "grave embarrassment to the Vatican, which has yet to publicly comment on the affair."

While Catholicism does not condemn homosexuality outright, its teaching is that homosexual acts "are intrinsically disordered." The Catechism of the Catholic church states unequivocally: "Under no circumstances can they be approved."

The procuring of services for sexual activity was discovered during an investigation into Balducci's involvement in "widespread corruption." Here I guess we are talking about political and economic corruption, which apparently is different than the "moral corruption" of homosexuality about which the Church is so worried.

Balducci is also a senior adviser to the Congregation for the Evangelisation of Peoples, the department that oversees the Roman Catholic church's worldwide missionary activities.

Since 1995, he has been a member of one of the world's most exclusive fraternities - the Gentlemen of His Holiness, or Papal Gentlemen, the ceremonial ushers of the papal household. In the words of a 1968 ordinance, they are expected to "distinguish themselves for the good of souls and the glory of the name of the Lord".

According to a report, there was a hidden side to Balducci's life. (Really?)

"In order to organise casual encounters of a sexual nature, he availed himself of the intercession of two individuals who, it is maintained, may form part of an organised network, especially active in [Rome], of exploiters or at least facilitators of male prostitution."

The Vatican's response? No loss of employment benefits for this guy!

According to one source, there was no provision for the dismissal of a Gentleman of His Holiness. Another said: "We shall wait for the judiciary's definitive verdict."

Of course not! If the previous sex scandals in the United States are any indication, the Church will go to all lengths to protect this guy.

Meanwhile, employees in DC will lose their health benefits and the US Conference of Catholic Bishops will go on fighting health care for millions of people in the United States, because they are morally opposed to the federal funding of abortion, a case of political shadow boxing if there ever was one because there is no federal funding of abortion included in any existing health reform bill.

Moral absolutism. It's a great thing.

This article was originally published at RH RealityCheck

Had Sex? Study Finds It Depends Who You Ask

2010-03-05T01:50:34Z

Let's talk about sex.

But first, it might be useful to define it.

More than a decade after Bill Clinton raised questions over the definition of the word "is," a new study is raising questions over the definition of the term "had sex." If you ask men near the same age bracket as the former president (over 65), 23% wouldn't even count penile-vaginal intercourse.

Research conducted by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University found "no universal consensus on which behaviors constituted having 'had sex.'" Questions in the telephone survey of 486 random participants asked about different behaviors: manual-genital, oral-genital, penile-vaginal intercourse and penile-anal intercourse. The study also looked at different outcomes and qualifiers, including orgasm in women, ejaculation in men, short duration, or wearing condoms.

For example, 89% of respondents considered penile-vaginal intercourse as having "had sex" only if the male ejaculates. Without any qualifier mentioned, 95% felt that penile-vaginal intercourse counted.

What's the standard for the remaining 5%? Not to mention all those older men?

Perhaps some respondents were in denial, or perhaps researchers were wary of too much information. Either way, the study apparently didn't get that specific. But it did find a need for behavior-specific terminology in certain fields. The institute concluded, "Researchers, educators and medical practitioners should exercise caution and not assume that their own definitions of having 'had sex' are shared by their research participants or patients."

The implications could be significant for anybody who has sexual relations, regardless of how they define it. Brandon Hill, a research associate involved with the study, pointed out that it's common for doctors to ask about a patient's intimate history when treating sexually transmitted diseases. The number of partners can differ with inconsistent definitions.

"There's a vagueness of what sex is in our culture and media," said William L. Yarber, one of the study's co-authors. "If people don't consider certain behaviors sex, they might not think sexual health messages about risk pertain to them. The AIDS epidemic has forced us to be much more specific about behaviors, as far as identifying specific behaviors that put people at risk instead of just sex in general. But there's still room for improvement."

Among the study's other findings about what counts as having "had sex," around 20% didn't count anal sex and around 30% didn't count oral sex:

While 81% considered penile-anal intercourse to be sex, the rate was lower in men aged 18-29 (77%) and far lower in men aged 65 and up (50%);

73% counted receiving oral sex, but only 71% counted giving oral sex -- the response was lower among older and younger men;

Overall, responses were similar among both genders

The study involved 204 men and 282 women in the state of Indiana.

Lora Somoza: Code Blue: A Vibrating Love Story

2010-03-04T15:49:00Z

It started off as your average, typical, run of the mill bitch fest lunch with the girls. You know the kind.

"Oh my God, if my ass gets any fatter, I'm gonna have to start buying two seat on planes."

"I swear my kids are driving my fucking crazy. No wonder I drink boxed wine."

"My sex life sucks. I can't remember that last time I had an orgasm, if ever."

WAIT. Rewind that last part.

"IF EVER?"

Yeah, that last one brought the whole conversation to a screeching halt. One of my oldest friends (well, not OLD, old, I've just known her a long time) just told me she's never had an orgasm.

"Um, I got news for you, " I tell her, "If you're not sure, then you haven't."

How could that be? Here's a woman with two kids, married 20 years, still having sex regularly and no Big "O?" Hell, no wonder her sex life sucked. No happy ending in 20 years, I'd get sick of the same damn Fairy Tale too.

Princes NoClimaxa started getting really embarrassed. "I don't want to talk about it." And my other friend and I started plotting ways to pop her orgasm cherry.

"You need a vibrator. Have you ever used a vibrator?" I asked her later on the phone.
"No! And I can't talk about this!"
I could tell by her whispering that there where people close by. Probably neighbors. In their homes.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just a great way to figure out what make you eye roll back into your head."
"I can't believe we're talking about this."
"Um, I'm the one talking. You're the one freaking out."
"I can't believe you're want me to get something like that." She cried. Apparently, she didn't believe a lot of things.
"Don't worry," I tell her. I'll take care of it
"NO. Don't you dare ... " I hear her cry as I hung up.

Two days later, my friend Rachel and I saunter into The Pleasure Chest, an adult toy store in West Hollywood. And as luck would have it, we actually run into a couple of other friends we know, because I guess The Pleasure Chest is the new Starbucks.

We head over to the vibrator section, which consists of nothing less than 500 versions of buzz worthy new friends. There are some really cute mild mannered ones that are shaped like lipsticks and one that comes in a "Life-saver" container. And there are the "Rabbits" which have been multiplying into all varieties. You got the baby rabbits, the rabbits on steroids, purple rabbits that look like their mother had taken thalidomide during her pregnancy. None that screamed "Eureka!"

I felt like I was Goldicocks, on the search for one that was "just right."

Finally, just like the Holy Grail, (except it wasn't a grail and I doubt the pope would call it Holy) we saw It. Simple, to the point. Baby Blue and battery included. Just a straight up plain vibrator with three speeds: Low, medium and OH MY.

Rachel whipped out the credit card and we mailed it off that day.

Two days and no word. And then I got a text:

OH.My.GOD! NOW I know what the fuss is all about! I CAN'T Believe I've been missing THIS for 20 years!!!!! Fun Fact: When I stood up, I PASSED OUT. You should have told me to have some Orange juice standing by!

That's right baby. Welcome to the party. We've been expecting you.

John Robinson: Sex, Lies, Scandals and Governor David Paterson

2010-03-04T14:21:39Z

I am very disappointed in David Paterson. Our governor broke the rules he is supposed to uphold. More than that, he had an opportunity to be a leader. He has failed.

I thought nothing could be worse than the past. Just to remind everyone, we just came out of the "client #9" fiasco. Eliot Spitzer resigned with his wife on his arm. He very successfully humiliated himself and his state due to his very public infidelity. We learned very early on that David Paterson had some skeletons in his closet, but he very smartly addressed it immediately. We all thought he could move on to governing.

David Paterson should be someone I could be proud of, right? Now, he's potentially obstructed justice in a case of violence against women.

Less than two years ago, I thought I had just what I was looking for in my very own governor of New York State. David Paterson took the oath of office, and we all saw (no pun intended) that he is visually impaired. People were whispering around the state capital about how amazing it was - he had memorized his whole speech. People with disabilities in Albany started to think that David Paterson might be that leader, that leader.

I fell into the same trap, I saw that leader. Here was the person with a physical disability that I could emulate. My state was governed by a successful person - visually impaired or not! This governor would do so much for soldiers coming back with amputations, and parents of children with autism. Our muddle of state government agencies serving developmental and physical disabilities would have a strong advocate! Wow, how proud I was to be New York State citizen.

I've waited my whole life for a political leader with a visible physical disability to be someone that people can look up to. Franklin Roosevelt's polio is discussed in many history books, but it was never discussed at the time. It was hidden from the general public. I was lucky enough to see Bob Dole as a young high school student, but Sen. Dole shied away from discussing his physical disability. I have always felt people with disabilities need someone. We need a role model.

It has been a rocky 18 months. Gov. Paterson is not particularly well-liked in New York State. His 20 percent approval rating will definitely not win him many popularity contests. Within a week of announcing his candidacy for governor, he stepped out of the race. He has become a political cartoon. Ironically, it was a caricature of himself that he was upset with, but he's done nothing to prove himself a worthy leader.

Our state is in a financial mess, our bridges and roads are falling apart and our treatment of New York citizens at an all-time low. And what happens? The governor stands in the way of someone saying that they were physically abused. Domestic violence! It has been reported that a woman was physically abused and our state police are used by the governor to stop the investigation. Another earth shattering, groundbreaking, press stopping New York State government scandal.

In September 2009, Gov. Paterson signed legislation strengthening laws against domestic violence. From his own press release he is quoted:

"Stopping domestic violence should be a national priority, and I am encouraged that New York is leading the way in giving law enforcement and the courts the tools they need to end abuse," Governor Paterson said. "I am proud to sign legislation designed to provide a strong response to domestic violence and to protect those that have suffered from abuse..."

I expected too much. After the first press reports when the then Lieutenant Governor David Paterson admitted to "personal failings," I realized he wasn't going to stop his behavior. I hoped he would be upfront about his failings. I just didn't expect someone so willing to look past helping individuals in need, including those close to him.

Suzie Heumann: Re-Wilding Your Life

2010-03-04T14:00:00Z

Wild, Wildlife, Wild Nature, Wilderness, Re-Wilding. I like these words. I've been reading about a project in Finland, that has taken the largest tract of land ever designated as 'on purpose' wilderness, and created an 'experiment' with it in re-wilding. The scientists running the project are letting it alone to see what the animals will do with it. No management or control by humans allowed. This seems very basic but incredibly many scientists are protesting the information that is coming from these studies. We want to think that what we've always thought was true is true.

It turns out that our notions of what 'wild lands' are, or more accurately 'were' in the past, isn't very accurate. Large herds of animals recreate the landscape on their own, without any of our human, artificial input. That land now looks like vast, open savannas rather than closed, forested areas. Herds of large animals are forming that normally don't herd together. There aren't as many hiding places in the landscape so there is more exposure for all who live in this land. And all of this is blowing the scientists' minds because historically we have thought that ancient animal life didn't live like this at all.

Why animals you ask? Because I'm wondering what humans would be like if we didn't have so many cultural constraints to live by. What if each of us let ourselves 'go' more into our natural states? What would life look like and what would our love life look like if we let go more? Our concepts of sex come from Cosmopolitan magazine and our notions of what works in life from our stressed societal constraints. Maybe there's a parallel universe where each of us is truly the master or mistress of our own destiny.

If your cultural and family views didn't hold so much weight, you might experience more freedom in your life to have the kind of love, sex and open-hearted intimacy that you really, in your heart of hearts, know is possible. You might have even experienced the essence of this a few times in your life. Profound changes might occur in the world if each of us could express ourselves with full freedom, boundaries included, and exist in a more 'wild' environment of our own creation.

Think about it and see if there are some ways in which you can move more fully into your own Re-wilding project. Consider the ways you are in the world and your actions. Which things would you like to change and which expand? Re-wilding requires risk taking, small risks, granted, but risks just the same. For example, I use to trance dance a few times a month. I haven't been for a long time and I want to start again. Trance dancing requires that you completely let go of how you might look, what dance moves you make, silly or otherwise, wondering if anyone is looking at you, questioning if you have any friends present and so forth. You have to re-wild yourself in order to attain the 'now' state of being that is necessary to fully experience the true blessings of this form of active meditation.

You could examine many corners of your life when considering Re-wilding. Examine what feelings this blog brings up in you. Resistance, confusion, judgment, overwhelm. All I'm really saying is that we live constrained lives, unnatural lives in many ways and it may be appropriate to consider this and open up the space a bit more.

Consider:

- How you kiss -- question how this is for you and your lover. If it's satisfying let it go and move on to something else. If it isn't then go back to innocent mind and start over, knowing nothing.

- Your style of partnership -- do you avoid conflict or perhaps start it, to create more excitement in your life? If you're an avoider find new ways to step up to 'wondering' rather than becoming distant or eventually arguing about an issue. It might just open up the conversation for you.

- Could you learn to be more easy-going? More accepting? Studies show that you'll live longer if you can. This is RE-wilding to the 'tribe' mind rather than single organism mind.

- Consider saying 'yes' more often.

- Travel to a destination that makes you a bit uncomfortable or volunteer for a project that gets you out of your normal circle of friends.

- Slow down. They may have passed you by but we're in a bunch of 'movements' right now; the slow food movement, the slow sex movement and the slow 'being present' movement. Join them!

- Spend more time in nature, on purpose. Get outside and create a garden or help a friend with theirs. Roll on the grass.

- Spend five minutes gazing into your lover's eyes without 'doing' anything, just softly look. Better yet, spend five minutes looking into your own beautiful eyes in a mirror.

- Sing karaoke in front of someone you don't know, in public.

Open up the spaces in your life for more adventure, small risks, loving exploration, deep caring, intimate contact, full breathing and outrageous orgasmic energy. See if your fellow human members decide to 'herd' with you in new ways!

Suzie Heumann is the founder of Tantra.com. She studies, writes, has authored three books and makes films about conscious sex, Tantra and the Kama Sutra. Check out Tantra.com Premium for the most comprehensive tantra training available on the Internet!

Read more: Kama Sutra, Relationships, Human Sexuality, Spiritual Sex, Sex, Wild, Wilderness, Relationship Advice, Animals, Spirituality, Sexuality, Living News

Japan Airlines Uniforms In High Demand On Black Market Thanks To Sex Industry

2010-03-04T11:55:38Z
Japan Airlines' (JAL) stewardess uniforms are in high demand, thanks to the country's local sex industry, the Times UK reports. A full ensemble once fetched $16,000 according to Yu Teramoto, owner of a specialist costumier in Tokyo. The uniforms are reportedly used with "customers keen on role-playing fantasies, while rare specimens that have actually been worn are hugely sought after by fetishists and are worth their weight in gold."

Teramoto said that the uniforms are typically impossible to find, but buyers might be able to get their hands on the coveted skirts suits due to recent layoffs. All Nippon Airways (ANA) sews computer chips into the pieces of its uniforms and JAL might take up the same practice.
Read more: Airline Uniform Fetish, Japanese Airlines, Sex, Airline Uniforms, Style News

eSarcasm: Sex-Ed Goes High-Tech

2010-03-03T17:10:44Z
Let's face it: Teens have to learn about sex somehow. And surfing porn, while a perfectly healthy pastime, can only teach you so much.

A new online game called Adventures in Sex City attempts to fill the virtual void. The game, created by the UK's Middlesex-London Health Unit, uses characters like The Sperminator, Wonder Vag, and Willy the Kid to help spread important messages (like how plastic wrap is not a condom).

Sound too crazy to be true? Click through and check it out for yourself. Be sure to vote on each page -- and if you learn any important lessons along the way, for the love of the Sperminator, leave a comment and let us know.

Craving more funny stuff? Visit eSarcasm. Three out of four proctologists agree.
Read more: Funny Pictures, Humor, Sex, Slidepollajax, Video Games, Sex Education, Sexuality, Comedy, Media News

Tamsen Fadal and Matt Titus: Should We Move In Together?

2010-03-02T14:30:44Z
Dear Matt & Tamsen,

My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together. We have been dating for about six months, and the timing feels right. I have one question though -- do you think this step will bring us closer together or could it be worse for the relationship? I am worried about this. Half of my friends say you have to try it before getting married, the other half are tell me not to do it. My lease is due soon and I have to make a decision.

-Anonymous

Anonymous,

This is a big step in a relationship, and it's not just about finding a great apartment and buying some cool items at Bed, Bath & Beyond to fix it up. There are some items you should be sorting through to make sure you're not boxing up your things six months down the road.
If you feel like you are being pressured to make a decision, we only have one word for you: EXTEND (as in extend your current lease) so you don't feel rushed in making a decision.

Now, here are few things you need to examine in the meantime:
First, he needs to know that YOU consider this a big step in the relationship. Do not let him think you are willing to just be his "roommate." If you act like this is no big deal, there is a good chance that he will too.

Second, it is important to let him know where you stand, but you should not have to ask him where HE is in the relationship. If this man wants to spend his life with you, he needs to be sure HE is ready for this next "move."

Finally, make certain you are comfortable with his level of commitment, before you hire a U-Haul and sign any 2-year lease. Don't think that he is going to change his mind about you in time. This is the time that you need to know his true feelings, not after the curtains are hung and you are playing house.

Please let us know how it goes and good luck to you in making your decision.
If you have a question for "Ask Matt & Tamsen," send it along! info@askmattandtamsen.com
For more Q&A visit www.AskMattAndTamsen.com.

Read more: How Men Think, Matt Titus, Relationship Advice, Dating Advice, Tamsen Fadal, Sex, Living News