In international news, rebels revealed today that the tyrannical Libyan leader, Muammar Gaddafi, has been located on the corner of 170th and St. Nicholas Avenue in New York City.

Ever since the 2010 season ended, the Yankees and their fans have been anxiously looking to shell out an obscene amount of money. The Yankees front office thinks this sack will do the trick.

Four Loko, which contains 12% alcohol and various forms of high-caffeine supplements, has provided an easy path to "blacking out" -- an event that once took a honest night of binge drinking and dabbling in various life-threatening drugs.

In entertainment news, the new FlashForward DVD set, which was originally released August 31st, will now come standard with a "blackout" feature so viewers won't remember how terrible the series was after watching it.

In New York news, Americans from all over the country have publicly opposed the institution of a new Halal cart near Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan.

I wouldn't be fulfilling my duty as a Supreme Court Justice if I didn't seriously consider the necessity of freely arming citizens with a dual anti-personnel/medieval warfare weapons.

The new Glee spin-off will feature hours of people's desperate attempts to laughably resemble the obviously very talented cast of Glee.

In entertainment news, despite Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft all entering the state-of-the-art world of "motion-sensor" video games, their systems still haven't fixed the glitch which prevents gamers from going outdoors.

In technology news, Facebook has once again redefined the line of online privacy this week by launching a new mandatory "social security number" section on user's profiles.

In NBA news, while LeBron James has been mostly silent about his impending free-agency decision throughout the season, he still maintains that he is u...

Ahmadinejad has claimed that the American mini-mart chain is merely a figment of people's imaginations, and if it did exist, it would most certainly serve mediocre coffee and stale donuts.

Despite the bleak outlook for people named "John," President Obama pointed to the comparatively lower unemployment rates for people named "Jon" or "Jonathan" as a signs of encouragement.

A record 106 million viewers tuned in this past Sunday to watch the much-anticipated Super Bowl commercials -- surpassing the commercials shown during the finale of Mash in 1983.

Tiger Woods, who has been tight-lipped about the odd occurrence at his home last week, has now publicly displayed disappointment about his wife's club selection.

Many Democrats have come out of the woodwork to build up Harry Reid's character, despite the fact that his comments were undeniably and inherently racist.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has made yet another public outcry against President Obama, claiming Obama's recent haircut is a sign of "letting the terrorists win."

"The fruit stand guy has a nicer cell phone than I do" has long been a running joke in my family. It is also, in a weird un-fruit-like way, reflective of our current, crazy society.