Stamford Advocate

As a motorist who has been driving (people crazy) for four decades, I am used to sitting in traffic for hours at a time.

How much wood could a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck wood? Only a birdbrain would ask that question. So it should come as no surprise that it has been on my mind.

I've never had breakfast at Tiffany's, but I have had breakfast at Zezima's. And I can tell you from personal experience -- because I'm the one who has made breakfast -- that my eggs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

I am not a lawyer, although I have been admitted to many bars, but at the risk of being sentenced to life in prison for felonious stupidity, I decided to represent myself recently when I went to traffic court to fight a parking ticket.

I can just imagine the lead of my obituary: "Jerry Zezima, a longtime newspaper columnist and certified public nuisance, died yesterday of complications from a hangnail. He was 58."

In my 36 years in journalism, I have never believed that you shouldn't let the facts stand in the way of a good story. But I do believe that the bare facts can make for the best stories.

Even though I was recently edged out by Hollywood hunk Bradley Cooper as People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, I am proud to say that, for a guy with an AARP card, I still have a boyish figure.

Whenever people admire my thick head of wild and crazy hair and ask how I keep it looking that way, I tell them I stick my tongue in an electrical outlet. That's why I was shocked recently when a fuse blew on what turned out to be a bad hair day.

Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have once again decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.

Get-rich-quick schemes are a dime a dozen, which means you'd have to have dozens of them to get rich. But my wife, Sue, and I recently came up with a get-poor-quick scheme: We had a tag sale.

I sent the letter to William and Kate, hoping but not really expecting to hear back. Imagine my surprise and delight when the following letter arrived in the mail recently.

For weeks, I had asked the perplexing and ridiculous question: if a tree falls in my backyard, and I am there to hear it, will it land on my head?

"You're not qualified to have adult children if you don't have a basement," Tim said. "Where are they going to put their stuff?" "In the garage," I replied.

Before undergoing this increasingly common masculine procedure, which women get all the time, I had, indeed, only one eyebrow.

As runner-up in the 2010 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Contest -- a defeat I took with grace, humility and, of course, a stiff upper lip -- I know what it's like to lose by a whisker.

Guys think they know everything about home improvement, even when they don't, which is most of the time. But even if they're handy, they'll always defer to their wives.

Excusez-moi, s'il vous plait. I should say I'll always have Paris-Charles de Gaulle Airport, where I recently spent eight minutes (huit minutes) sprinting from one airplane (l'avion) to another.

Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge St. James's Palace Chapel Royal, Cleveland Row London, England SW1A 1DH Dear William and Kate: I a...

Over the years in my humble and frequently fur-flown household, I have been surrounded by women: one wife, two daughters and various animals. The pet...

I have never been mistaken for Jack Nicholson, the eternally cool Hollywood legend who wears sunglasses everywhere, but I can imagine starring in the following dramatic scene with my wife, Sue.

Ever since my wife and I were rejected for a home refinancing loan by our bank, which actually owns the house but kindly allows us to pay the mortgag...

Unlike a lot of seals, who have managed to gain steady employment in circuses and aquariums, I have never tried to balance a beach ball on my nose. C...

Jamie Dimon President and CEO JPMorgan Chase Dear Mr. Dimon: I'm Jerry Zezima. The name probably doesn't mean much to you (it doesn't mean much to ...

In what I fear will become a series with more sequels than "Rocky," I had my second kidney stone.

If you can't stand the heat, get into the kitchen. That's the lesson I learned recently after the oven lost heat in the kitchen and I couldn't stand t...