Stephen Colbert on The Huffington Post

Joe Cirincione: Stephen Colbert's Secret Plan to Defend America

2009-12-22T16:18:17Z

Stephen Colbert's plan to string a microscopically thin razor along our entire border is brutal, indiscriminate, dangerous... and smarter than the nuclear defense we now have.

Here is how I learned of his secret plan to defend America. A few weeks ago, I was a guest on his show, The Colbert Report. I came away convinced that Stephen Colbert is as smart as he looks.

He described his plan to me in graphic detail. It is best appreciated by watching his presentation, but here is how the conversation went:

COLBERT: So you're against all weapons?

CIRINCIONE: No.

COLBERT: What about a microscopically thin razor wire that is erected at neck level all around the United States? So as our enemies try to come in - "Like, there's no one guarding the border! Let's run in!" But the razor wire just goes [makes choking noise and pantomimes garroting of enemy].

CIRINCIONE: That absurd, brutal defense is actually more rational than what we do now.

Really? Killing thousands of innocents at the border is more rational than what we do now? Yes.

Let's review:

The Colbert National Defense Posture

Colbert was straight-faced when he proposed his micro-wire defense, so let's indulge his strategy for a second. Say we spend $20 billion to string up the wire defense around the United States. The wire cannot discriminate between innocents and evildoers, and instead kills tens of thousands of men, women and children. Terrorists simply find an easy way around the wire to attack the United States. As a result of our "defense," thousands of innocents have died, our strategy is directly responsible for their gruesome deaths, and the U.S. gets attacked anyway.

The United States' Nuclear Defense Posture

The United States spends at least $52.4 billion a year maintaining a nuclear arsenal of some 10,000 nuclear weapons. 2000 of these hydrogen bombs are poised on the tips of long-range missiles and bombers ready to launch at a moment's notice. One miscalculation or accident with just of our bombs would destroy a city, killing hundreds of thousands of men, women and children.

Worse, Russia could make the same error with their 13,000 nuclear weapons. If one of their missiles is fired our way, or if terrorists get and use just one of these weapons, an American city is obliterated.

Wait, it gets worse. What if Russia makes another early warning blunder like they did in 1995? Then, Russian military officials mistook a Norwegian weather rocket for a US submarine-launched ballistic missile with 8 nuclear warheads. They thought they were under attack. For the first time in the atomic era, the Russian military opened up the "nuclear football" -- the remote control for Russia's thousands of nuclear warheads -- and told then-President Boris Yeltsin to push the button.

Fortunately, Yeltsin did not believe them. But what if that same mistake repeats again, and this time, with relations tense, the Russians launch even a fraction of their arsenal? Goodbye Colbert Nation.

Postures in Review

Both the Colbert strategy and the current U.S. nuclear strategy are insane. Both are immoral, expensive, and dangerous to American security. At least the dreamt-up Colbert strategy would kill a lot less innocent people.

This is why a growing bipartisan group of national security experts see nuclear weapons as a security liability, not an asset. (I doubt they considered the Colbert strategy.)

Put Nukes on Notice

Colbert agrees. In his interview with me, he agreed to reduce from today's 23,000 weapons to a little over one hundred:

COLBERT: Okay, so let's get it down to only being able to destroy the world once. I think anything above that you're being greedy.

CIRINCIONE: I will take that deal.

COLBERT: Good, at least we agree on one thing - to destroy the world once.

Previously on his show, Stephen promised Jordan's Queen Noor to support the Global Zero plan to eliminate all nuclear weapons. Reducing the roles, missions, and numbers of existing arsenals is a step in the right direction.

Stephen should now harness the power of the Colbert Nation to put nuclear weapons on notice. He should list nukes on his "On Notice Board" alongside such malicious forces as grizzly bears and, arguably, above Canadian Iceholes. Bring this threat down.

Stephen King On Colbert: America Needs Scary, Gross Stories (VIDEO)

2009-12-17T11:22:25Z

Stephen King was on the Colbert Report last night for the feature "Better Know a Stephen" and gave Colbert spooky visions of double Stephens. They talked about why America needs a clown with razor-sharp teeth as opposed to razor-sharp wit, whether terrorists tend to be gay or straight, and how King's new book, "Under the Dome", would be a great bludgeoning weapon.

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Better Know a Stephen - Stephen King

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Colbert On Magazine Cover Actually Lifts Sales

2009-12-17T09:26:28Z

Actually, yes, Colbert covers sell quite well, according to data from the Audit Bureau of Circulations. He boosted Wired's newsstand sales by 38 percent, Esquire's by 17 percent, Newsweek's by 16 percent (according to unaudited numbers), and GQ's by 6 percent. New York's sales of its Colbert-fronted issue were about average, and Rolling Stone has not yet reported the numbers for its August 14, 2009 issue, with Colbert on the cover.

Colbert: Senile Lieberman Suffering From "Joe-Mentia" (VIDEO)

2009-12-16T09:39:56Z

The Senate Health Care Bill dropped both the public option and the alternate plan that allowed 55 to 65-year-olds to buy into Medicare. As Stephen Colbert put it, "the only reform left in the bill is government mandated post-appointment lollypops."

Colbert credited "hermaph-Repblican" Joe Lieberman, for he is the only man with the "true political courage to oppose a bill when you don't know what's in it." To show his "gratitude," Colbert broke out in song, serenading Lieberman with a stirring rendition of "For He's a Jowly Good Fellow."

Also catching Colbert's attention was the fact that just three months ago, the Senator actually proposed an option for 55-65 year olds to buy into Medicare - implying that Lieberman threatened filibuster his own proposal and must be suffering from "Joe-Mentia."

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For He's a Jowly Good Fellow

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Stephen Colbert Adds Suburban Rap To Alicia Keys's "Empire State Of Mind" (VIDEO)

2009-12-16T07:47:16Z

Alicia Keys was Stephen's guest last night on the "Colbert Report" and after a short interview, the pair decided to do a duet that would "suburbanize" her song "Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down." Colbert felt it didn't speak enough to the "bridge and tunnel" crowd, so he injected a rap into the middle. A sample? "Shopping mall is close, my community is gated, my shorties are all private-school educated."

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Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down

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Colbert's Exclusive Interview With "Obama" (VIDEO)

2009-12-15T09:22:35Z

After accepting his Nobel Prize, Obama displeased many Norwegians after being unable to attend the country's Save The Children charity event. In his place, a cardboard cut out was sent to awkwardly preside over the benefit concert. Colbert was quick to jump in the ridiculousness of the surrogate Obama, but did acknowledge that "the winner of the Nobel Prize in 2007 was also replaced by a cardboard cut out. But because it was Al Gore, nobody noticed."

Dubbing the scandal "Corrugate-gate," Colbert was determined to dig deeper, even getting an interview with the (cardboard) President. However, like Obama, Colbert was far too busy to attend and found a suitable replacement.

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President Obama - The Colbert Interview

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Stephen Colbert On Sports Illustrated Cover

2009-12-15T08:51:36Z

NEW YORK — Stephen Colbert (kohl-BEHR') has joined the legions of athletes and swimsuit models to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated.

The host of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report" appears on the front of the magazine's latest issue wearing an Olympic speedskating uniform. The issue is devoted to sports media. It's on newsstands Wednesday.

Bill Mann: TV Critic's Call: Here Are The Decade's 10 Best Series

2009-12-14T11:21:34Z

Usually at this time each year, my fellow TV critics across the nation assemble our Ten Best TV Shows of the Year lists. But this year, many are issuing their lists of Top 10 best shows of the decade about to end.

Here's this critic's holiday "gift" to readers - my Top 10 shows of the almost-past decade: (Note that many of these were on HBO, which hit its creative stride this decade before fading.)

1. The Sopranos. Great writing plus superb acting equals - ba da bing - uncommon excellence. Normally, I don't watch mob movies or shows. This one I couldn't miss. Adult entertainment at its best. Two staffers told me that producing scripts for this HBO Emmy-winning series was "a writer's dream."

2. Deadwood: This HBO wild-west anarchy drama, which ran, sadly, for far too few episodes, featured stellar performances (most notably, Ian McShane as the cynical boom-town overlord) and jaw-droppingly dense dialogue, almost Shakespearean in its tone and style. (That's not an overstatement, either. Rent it and see.)
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3. The Wire (HBO). Possibly TV's most compelling drama ever, and the fact that this extended story set in Baltimore's drug-saturated inner city didn't win Emmies is, well, criminal and possibly even racist. Another series one must rent, this feels as authentic as a slap in the face. Much more than a cop show, David Simon's masterwork also examined the brutal realities of urban politics and also, inner-city school blight.

4. The Colbert Report (Comedy Central): Currently my one won't-miss show, it combines bright, hip, first-rate comedy writing with a host who's ultra-smart and an unusually gifted physical comic. And no one else is talking about gun control (or Canada.)

5. The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central): This acclaimed and informed faux newscast is a shade behind Colbert in quality - mostly because of annoying and untalented "correspondents" like Rob Corddry, Samantha Bee, and Rob Riggle. But Stewart does some great shtick, and he alone calls out cable news for its too-common excesses and biases. The Republicans and Fox News looneytoons have been comedy gold for Stewart.

6. Mad Men (AMC) Currently TV's standout drama, this stylish ad-agency workplace tale is the one show HBO never should have let get away. It could have perpetuated the proud brand name that's lost some lustre.

7. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) Currently TV's funniest show hands down, creator/star Larry David's neurotic daily adventures (Seinfeld's George Costanza is his alter ego) are where I first heard the term "teabagging," and where viewers have found TV's edgiest comedy for several years.

8. Extras (HBO) Rick Gervais' original The Office on BBC remains by far the best version. This, Gervais' follow-up Beeb series, examines in painful (but funny) detail the indignities and insecurities performers bear -- also, the dubious fame conferred by stardom in a dimbulb sitcom was fertile ground for this ultra-bright comedy frequented by big-name guest stars like Kate Winslet and David Bowie.

9. The Shield (FX): Michael Chiklis was brilliant and even scary at times as a pit-bull cop. Along with "The Wire," one of the best two police-centered shows ever.

10. The West Wing (NBC): About the only escape we had from the Bush White House for several long years, it was an understandable, welcome fantasy. Too bad the show went downhill so fast after 9-11 when it began taking itself (like M*A*S*H did) too seriously.

Honorable Mention: Countdown With Keith Olbermann (MSNBC); Weeds (Showtime); Fareed Zakaria GPS (CNN); The Office (BBC version).

Happy Holidays!

Matt Taibbi On "Colbert Report": Wall Street Is 'One Ponzi Scheme After Another' (VIDEO)

2009-12-11T11:54:01Z

Matt Taibbi took his crusade against Goldman Sachs to "The Colbert Report" last night, accusing the investment colossus of using its influence in government to repeatedly manipulate financial bubbles.

Taibbi pointed to three examples -- the dot-com bubble in the late nineties, the housing bubble and commodities speculation last year -- which he says Goldman Sachs used to get rich at taxpayers' expense. In the case of the tech stock bubble, Taibbi accused Goldman of underwriting a high number of risky internet IPOs and manufacturing a "collapse in underwriting standards."

Wall Street is no longer "about helping investors find good business opportunities which in turn would create jobs," Taibbi told Colbert, but rather "one Ponzi scheme after another." And when Wall Street's bets fail? Friends in government -- Taibbi named Robert Rubin, who left Goldman Sachs to be Treasury Secretary in both Clinton administrations and now advises President Obama -- come to the rescue: "they know the government is going to bail them out," he says.

And that's the crux of what bothers him. It's not that he has "a thing against unprecedented success," as Colbert put it, but that everyone else has to bear the burden of any Wall Street imprudence:

"I don't mind anyone who's successful as long as my tax money isn't going to pay for it," he said. "That's the only problem with Goldman Sachs."

Watch Matt Taibbi skewer Goldman:

The Colbert Report

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Matt Taibbi

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Colbert Destroys The GOP Purity Test (VIDEO)

2009-12-10T13:12:29Z

In an attempt to reclaim both houses in the 2010 election, the Republican party has proposed a "Purity Test," a screening process that would weed out candidates who don't adhere to "core conservative principles." As the ten stipulations of the test revolve around opposition to the Obama administration, Colbert compared them to the 10 Commandments - "if one of the tablets said 'F' and the other said 'U.'"

Colbert called out the GOP out for the hypocrisy of the plan, describing them as "a party of white Christian men, who call Obama a Nazi, pushing the concept of purity." He added that adhering to a checklist would not provide the assurance the GOP needs, so he presented an alternative -- putting moderate Republicans in life-threatening situations that reveal their true beliefs...like in the move "Saw."

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The Word - Grand Old Purity

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The 35 Funniest People Of The '00s (PHOTOS)

2009-12-10T07:59:02Z

Whatever we call the past 9 years -- the Naughts, the Aughts, the 2000s -- we can all agree it's been tumultuous at best. The only way we've stayed sane is by watching these people mock it all. Of course, there are some surprises on the list: Folks who made us laugh without trying, but they're no less laughable than those who make a career of comedy.

Colbert Takes On The Federal Reserve, Says Congress Is Trying To See 'Its Fiscal Naughty Parts' (VIDEO)

2009-12-09T11:13:39Z

Count Stephen Colbert among the opponents of calls to audit the Federal Reserve.

Responding to what he calls claims that the Federal Reserve is a "secretive cabal that only benefits the well-connected," Colbert sounded practically Bernanke-ian. The Fed needs its autonomy and its clandestine meetings, Colbert said -- and the "puff of smoke" that "comes out of the Fed chimney announcing whether the economy has seen its shadow."

The Fed's "merely an extra-constitutional star chamber that controls our monetary policy with no oversight."

But some people, like Chris Dodd and Bernie Sanders, keep trying to "pull down the Fed's pantaloons to look at its fiscal naughty parts," added Colbert.

Watch Colbert take on the Fed's critics:

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Fed's Dead

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Colbert: Air Quotes Will Fix Fox News (VIDEO)

2009-12-08T09:02:08Z

Fox News came under fire recently after the network was caught using footage from Sarah Palin's vice-presidential campaign to illustrate one of her book signings. This prompted the network to issue a pledge of zero tolerance for on-screen errors.

During the segment "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger," Stephen Colbert called out the network for its stupidity: "What are you doing? You're fair and balanced. To be fair, you have to balance every fact with corresponding bullshit." His solution: using air quotes during the newscast. This strategy would allow the network to let the audience know that they are being ironic when reporting the news.

He went on to give an example to help clarify:

Sarah "Palin's" New "Book" Has Been Released "Excellent" Reviews. And many people are "reading" it.

Colbert then added that if that measure was not enough, they should have Sean Hannity do every show wearing an ironic "Journalist" t-shirt.

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Sherman Alexie On Colbert: "The Localized Appreciation Of Books Is Gone" (VIDEO)

2009-12-02T11:41:18Z

Sherman Alexie was on "The Colbert Report" last night to promote his new book, "War Dances". The interview focused mostly on Alexie's views on eBooks, and why he has refused to allow any of his books to be made available in this format. He talked about the value of authors being "old fashioned storytellers" and the danger of moving too far away from the old models. "The localized appreciation of books is gone," he said.

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Filed by: Jessie Kunhardt

Colbert Crushes Glenn Beck For Latest "Hysterical" Attack On Obama (VIDEO)

2009-12-02T07:39:07Z

As part of his new Afghanistan strategy, President Obama announced that he will deploy 30,000 troops to the region -- a plan that has drawn mixed reactions among analysts.

Not surprisingly, Glenn Beck was fired up that Obama would have the audacity to make such a decision, seemingly calling into question the President's place on the military chain of command. Said Beck: "You do what your military advisers ask for...Who is the President?"

Colbert "echoed" Beck's "logic," pointing out that, "Obama is acting like he is chief who is commander of the armed forces.

Well, according to Colbert's upside-down chart, Obama's right at the bottom. Above him, the generals. The list goes all the way up the leaders of nation: the boy scouts, who "receive their strategies from G.I. Joe."

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Colbert Talks Copenhagen And ClimateGate: Something Is Melting In Denmark (VIDEO)

2009-12-01T12:46:32Z

On Monday night Stephen Colbert went Klimate Krazy, talking about what the upcoming Copenhagen climate talks mean and discussing the "ClimateGate" emails, a series of hacked emails that climate skeptics claiming prove that global warming is a hoax. (Newsflash: it's not a hoax. Here at HuffPost Green we like to call the incident "SwiftHack.") Colbert wonders if Obama's trip to Copenhagen going to prove him to be a fascist AND a failure, and an "Adolph Carter!" He then chatted with professor Dan Esty, and pondered deep questions such as, "last time Obama went to Copenhagen it was to try get the Olympics. He lost them. Is there any change we are going to lose the environment to Brazil?"

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Something Is Melting in Denmark - Dan Esty

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Colbert Plays "Sanction, Bomb, Marry" With Head Of Ploughshares Fund (VIDEO)

2009-12-01T08:58:33Z

In his "Better Know a Lobby" segment, Colbert took on Ploughshares Fund, an organization dedicated to preventing the use of nuclear and biological weapons.

Colbert, an unabashed fan of the Cold War, reveled in the chance to talk nuclear warfare -- especially when given the opportunity to recreate the devastation caused by an "awesome" nuclear explosion. He took it a step further, playing a game called "Sanction, Bomb, Marry" with Joseph Cirincione, the head of the anti-WMD lobby. Cirincione reluctantly admitted he'd bomb North Korea and of course, Colbert lapped up his destruction of Ploughshare's credibility.

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