Survivor Episode Recap

We opened this week with a terrifying nightmare vision: Russell had cloned thousands of exact replicas of himself, and they were waking up, and flying off to attack!

Survivor opened this week watching Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, arriving on Zombie Island, a newly-made member of The Squawking Dead, like all Christians, seeking Redemption and Resurrection, whereas what he needs is what all zombies seek: brains.

So we got our first look at Zombie Island. Oh, they call it "Redemption Island," but every time I've ever heard someone offering "redemption," it always turns out to be a religious con-man-or-woman.

In his online bio, David says: "9 times out of 10, when I walk into a room, I'm the most-intelligent person there." Perhaps, but obviously, when he's outdoors, he's the idiot wearing a black business suit into the rain forest.

This was a a three-hour telecast, so we have a lot to discuss. Buckle up for safety.

"What the [fatita] is wrong with Chase?" asked Holly? Well aesthetically, nothing. The entire top-of-the-show recap centered on the many betrayals by Chase, focusing solely on him.

After least week's jaw-dropper of a double-quit episode, leaving alliances in ruins, this week was surprisingly tame and dull.

After a week of recaps and old clips, the game recommenced where we left off two weeks ago, just after Brenda was blindsided. Kelly Still-Here felt le...

The promo described this as an "All-New Survivor." I must look up their meaning for "all-new," as it was new clips of old events. No game advancement tonight. Yawn.

"The time to hesitate is through. No time to wallow in the mire. Try now, we can only lose, And our love become a funeral pyre. Come on baby, ligh...

Dear wacky old Jane, a weird combination of Mammy Yokum and Grandmama Addams, with the merest whiff of Marjorie Main wafted in, started the wit off th...

We started this right off with the merge, which Marty felt was a good thing for him. I agree, although he immediately went to "I'm back in the saddle ...

I've been complaining for a few weeks now that this season of Survivor has been tortuously dull. Well this week it bounced back with twists so bizarre that, in the words of my idol W.C. Fields: "They baffle science!"

We started right out this week with Twice-Shoeless Dan telling Crazy Holly he wanted to quit. There are thousands of people out there who want to be on Survivor, and only 36 to 40 who actually get to do it each year.

Marty has not yet learned never to tempt fate on Survivor. Even after noting that overconfidence is a death sentence on this show, he nonetheless began spouting the sort of overconfident crap that the Gods of Survivor always slaps down hard.

When the Antiques returned to camp, depressed from having to vote out the very popular and well-liked Superbowl Guy, it was pouring rain.

Cute, young Benry wanted to put the tribe's focus back where he felt it belonged: "We need to go beat these old people." I sure hope he's talking about the game.

Did they neglect the psych evaluations on the contestants this time around? Because we saw some seriously deranged behavior in this week's episode of Survivor, not to mention a crime wave of footwear theft.

It began with Jeff Probst's voice telling us: "This is Nicaragua: remote, mysterious, dangerous." He left out poverty-ridden (second-poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, barely beating out Haiti), oppressed, run by a powerful Marxist leader.

Over in Samoa, Jerri, having profited from the use of Candice's disloyalty, now suggested cutting her loose, for being untrustworthy. Excuse me? Show me one Insufferable who is trustworthy.

No matter what those dopey Twilight movies tell you, werewolves make lousy house pets. But someone else was morphing into a monster under last night's full moon as well...

Happy Shakespeare's Birthday everyone. Let's celebrate by talking about Survivor, which is exactly what Shakespeare would have written if only he had had no talent.

Parvati didn't flip and Courtney's skeleton went back to her graveyard or haunted castle or wherever it is that living skeletons hang out. Poor JT. Totally betrayed.

There really is no one left to root for playing Survivor. (It's not like Rupert has a chance of winning. Get real.) The only thing left to make one tune it in is to see the inevitable fall of Bulbous Baggins, aka, Russell The Hobbit on Crack.