Survivor Episode Recap

You don't go on Survivor to test yourself against better players. You go on to win a million dollars! The point isn't playing against people who can beat you. The point is to obtain a big wad of cash!

Even more stomach-churning than watching Brett Two-Spears running his fingers through the Shambling One's abundant head fur, was watching Brett hit on Natalie by quoting the Bible at her at length.

In the last Survivor episode, Shambles' plot to depose the Viper Queen had triumphed, thanks to a flip-vote by John, who avoided a random draw that might send any of them home. This week began Shambles' gleeful return to camp.

We are right at the midway point of Survivor: Samoa. Our early villains, Evil Russell, and idiot Shambles, have grown into heroic crusaders against a true villain, Evil Laura.

As night fell on the remains of Tribe Zsa Zsa, realizing the merge was coming soon, Russell dipped into the Survivor cliche glossary for "When we get over there, dude, game on, the game starts."

My future ex-husband Jaison was shivering, which means he was hot and cold at the same time. And with their amazing losing streak, Tribe Zsa Zsa is losing members faster than the Republican Party.

Shambo on her disappointment: "I feel like I got hit by a train today." So that explains her hair! If you think she looks bad, you should see what's left of that train!

It was "Bocce Ball Horseshoes," with each player in turn tossing balls towards a pole. Despite sounding dull, it became a nail-biter, that came down to Danger Dave's last ball deciding the contest.

Russell: "Nobody here is playing the game." No, Russ, nobody is playing your crazy version of the game. That's like Norman Bates at a motel owner's association meeting, complaining no one else is murdering guests.

When we rejoined our merry band of castaways, Russell's stubbly chest hair was already growing back across his pecs. He's actually kind of sexy, in a depraved backwoods psycho-perv way.

Excess seems to be the keynote, as they have given us 20 contestants this time out, most of them named "Russell." I don't ever remember watching the show and thinking, "They need more castaways."