Survivor and I have been together for 12 years, or half of my life. Twelve years of blood, sweat, tears, emotional breakdowns, immunity idols, blindsides, monsoons, torch-snuffing, and vaguely symbolic close-ups of exotic animals.
In his "Previously on Survivor" opening spiel, Jeff Probst said of Matt, aka, Dr. Jesus: "Matt's time on Redemption Island finally came to an end," when he should have said: "Dr. Jesus's time on Zombie Island finally came to a momentary pause."
Arriving back at camp from Tribal Council, Steve was trying to heal wounds but David was having none of it. You don't kiss and make up with the DA after you've gotten some triple-murderer released back into your neighborhood.
Survivor opened this week watching Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, arriving on Zombie Island, a newly-made member of The Squawking Dead, like all Christians, seeking Redemption and Resurrection, whereas what he needs is what all zombies seek: brains.
In his online bio, David says: "9 times out of 10, when I walk into a room, I'm the most-intelligent person there." Perhaps, but obviously, when he's outdoors, he's the idiot wearing a black business suit into the rain forest.
I've been complaining for a few weeks now that this season of Survivor has been tortuously dull. Well this week it bounced back with twists so bizarre that, in the words of my idol W.C. Fields: "They baffle science!"
We started right out this week with Twice-Shoeless Dan telling Crazy Holly he wanted to quit. There are thousands of people out there who want to be on Survivor, and only 36 to 40 who actually get to do it each year.
Marty has not yet learned never to tempt fate on Survivor. Even after noting that overconfidence is a death sentence on this show, he nonetheless began spouting the sort of overconfident crap that the Gods of Survivor always slaps down hard.
Did they neglect the psych evaluations on the contestants this time around? Because we saw some seriously deranged behavior in this week's episode of Survivor, not to mention a crime wave of footwear theft.
It began with Jeff Probst's voice telling us: "This is Nicaragua: remote, mysterious, dangerous." He left out poverty-ridden (second-poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, barely beating out Haiti), oppressed, run by a powerful Marxist leader.