Susie Essman

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Math Favors Hillary, Says Huckabee

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.07.2008 | Politics

Read More: Hillary Clinton, Andy Borowitz, Mike Huckabee, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Barack Obama, Calvin Trillin, Politics News

"I didn't major in math, I majored in miracles," Huckabee told reporters in Little Rock today. "And after Tuesday's results, my Miracle-o-meter is tingling off the hook."

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Obama Proposes Gas-bag Holiday

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.05.2008 | Politics

Read More: Andy Borowitz, Paula Abdul, Jonathan Alter, Calvin Trillin, Lou Dobbs, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Susie Essman, Barack Obama, Chris Matthews, Clinton Gas Tax, Obama Gas Tax, Obama Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Gas Tax Holiday, Jeremiah Wright Barack Obama, Politics News

CNN's senior gas-bag, Lou Dobbs, said that Sen. Obama's proposal of a gas-bag holiday should make Americans "question his patriotism."

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Obama De-friends Wright on Facebook

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.30.2008 | Politics

Read More: Howard Dean, Samantha Power, Andy Borowitz, Jonathan Alter, Patti Sollis Doyle, David Axelrod, Calvin Trillin, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Mark Penn, Susie Essman, Barack Obama, Geraldine Ferraro, Obama Jeremiah Wright, Jeremiah Wright, Politics News

Chief Obama strategist David Axelrod said that Sen. Obama had to de-friend the Rev. Wright on Facebook "because he was getting really annoying."

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Rev. Wright Launches Own 24-Hr. Channel

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.28.2008 | Politics

Read More: Dancing With the Stars, Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Susie Essman, Gossip Girl, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Bill Moyers, Miley Cyrus, Jonathan Alter, Calvin Trillin, Billy Ray Cyrus, Hillary Clinton, Politics News

By launching WrightTV, the minister said, "It is my sincere hope that I can quench the public's seemingly limitless thirst for hearing me talk."

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Obama: Voters Fine, I'm Bitter

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.26.2008 | Politics

Read More: Andy Borowitz, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Barack Obama, Calvin Trillin, Politics News

Sen. Obama said that after Rev. Wright controversy, the ABC News debate, the flag lapel criticism, and the "red phone" ads, "You can bet your ass I know a thing or two about who's bitter."

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McCain Celebrates Huge Pennsylvania Win

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.23.2008 | Politics

Read More: Bill Clinton, John McCain, Andy Borowitz, Jonathan Alter, Katie Couric, Calvin Trillin, Hillary Clinton, Susie Essman, Barack Obama, Politics News

A jubilant McCain said that "It became abundantly clear that the people of Pennsylvania want to send the Republicans back to the White House for another four years."

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Democratic Race 'Too Mean,' Say Swift Boat Veterans

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.21.2008 | Politics

Read More: Weather Underground, Andy Borowitz, Larry King, Jonathan Alter, John Kerry, Calvin Trillin, Swift Boat Vsterans for Truth, Hillary Clinon, Susie Essman, Barack Obama, Politics News

The Democratic race has descended to "a level of meanness and acrimony that is damaging to American politics," the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth said today.

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Gibson Trounces Stephanopoulos in Crucial Debate

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.17.2008 | Media

Read More: Andy Borowitz, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Charles Gibson, Calvin Trillin, Pennsylvania Debate, George Stephanopoulos, ABC Debate, Abc, Media News

An aide to Gibson later summed up his victory: "He didn't let the candidates talk too much, and he made sure that this debate would be about Charles Gibson and nothing but Charles Gibson."

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Poll: Majority of Americans Bitter, Clingy

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.16.2008 | Politics

Read More: Andy Borowitz, Jonathan Alter, Calvin Trillin, Hillary Clinton, Pennsylvania Primary, Susie Essman, Barack Obama, Newsweek, Politics News

A new poll hints that Obama's controversial remarks in which he called Pennsylvania voters "bitter" may actually be helping him with a key constituency: bitter voters.

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Boston Herald, Borowitz Report to Merge News Operations

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.15.2008 | Media

Read More: Borowitz Report, Andy Borowitz, Jonathan Alter, Boston Herald, Calvin Trillin, Hillary Clinton, Susie Essman, Dick Cheney, Media News

The Herald said that it came to its merger decision after The Borowitz Report story it re-published, "Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest," failed to set off any alarms in its fact-checking department.

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Boston Herald Prints My Fake News as Real News

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.14.2008 | Media

Read More: Hillary Clinton, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Boston Herald, Calvin Trillin, Dick Cheney, Boston Herald Correction, Andy Borowitz, Boston Herald Error, Hunting Contest Story, Boston Herald Andy Borowitz, Boston Herald Satire, Cheney Hillary Hunting Contest, Media News

The Boston Herald, apparently believing my "Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest" story to be true, published it as a straight news story.

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Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.13.2008 | Politics

Read More: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jonathan Altr, Susie Essman, Tim Russert, Calvin Trillin, Dick Cheney, Politics News

Shortly after Cheney issued his challenge, Clinton seemed to back off from her earlier claims of hunting experience, saying that she had "misspoke" about her hunting exploits as a child.

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Fire in Clinton Campaign Headquarters Destroys Tax Returns

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.11.2008 | Politics

Read More: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Calvin Trillin, Fire Clinton Office, Fire Clinton Campaign Office, Clinton Office Fire, Clinton Indiana Fire, Clinton Campaign Office Fire, Politics News

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign said that the 2007 tax returns of Mrs. Clinton and her husband went up in flames along with everything else.

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China Moves Olympics to Undisclosed Location

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.10.2008 | Politics

Read More: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, China, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Calvin Trillin, Olympics, Politics News

The reasoning behind the move was simple, a spokesman for China's ministry of sport told reporters: "You cannot protest what you cannot find."

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Degrees of Matriculation

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.08.2008 | Living

Read More: Harvard, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Calvin Trillin, Living News

While your SAT scores fall below the threshold for acceptance to Harvard's class of 2012, your Harvard parents' participation in our fund-raising appeals have gained you admission to a new program called LegacyPlus™.

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Market Tumbles on News That Bush Is Still President

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.03.2008 | Politics

Read More: Ben Bernanke, Susie Essman, Jonathan Alter, Calvin Trillin, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Politics News

One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.

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Nader Tells Gravel to Get Out of Race

Andy Borowitz | Posted 04.01.2008 | Politics

Read More: Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Ralph Nader, Calvin Trillin, Mike Gravel, Politics News

"If Gravel's presence in the race winds up leading to the election of a Republican who then leads us into a disastrous war, I don't know how he'll live with himself," Mr. Nader said.

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Hillary Vows to Stay in Race 100 Years

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.30.2008 | Politics

Read More: Hillary Clinton, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Roger Clemens, Barack Obama, Calvin Trillin, Politics News

Sen. Clinton added that she was refusing to announce an exit strategy from the race because "that would send the wrong message to the enemy."

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Hillary Says 8-Year-Old Bosnian Girl Was Actually Sniper

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.26.2008 | Politics

Read More: Bill Clinton, Bosnia, Jonathan Alter, Calvin Tillin, John King, Hillary Clinton, Susie Essman, Clinton Sniper, Hillary Clinton Sniper, Clinton Sniper File, Sniper Fire, 2008 Election, Reverend Wright, Politics News

The senator said that moments after the "so-called little girl" presented her with the flowers, she revealed what the bouquet had been hiding: "a tiny semi-automatic weapon."

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Hillary Says She 'Misspoke' About Wrestling Bin Laden

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.25.2008 | Politics

Read More: Hillary Clinton, Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, James Frey, Calvin Trillin, Kim Jong-Il, Osama Bin Laden, 2008 Election, Politics News

"I may have misspoke about what went on that particular day," Clinton said. "But it was a very busy time for me, what with having that knife-fight with Kim Jong-Il and all."

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Bush to Phase Out Environment by 2009

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.23.2008 | Politics

Read More: Jonathan Alter, Susie Essman, Pope Benedict XVI, Calvin Trillin, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Politics News

The president said that by removing endangered species from the protected list one by one, he has been able to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's missing."

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Lewinsky Releases White House Schedule

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.20.2008 | Politics

Read More: Hillary Clinton, Nafta, Susie Essman, Jonathan Alter, Monica Lewinsky, Osama Bin Laden, HIllary Clinton Schedule, Hillary Clinton White House Schedule, Bill Clinton Infidelity, 2008 Election, Lewinsky Scandal, Politics News

Lewinsky hoped that in releasing the schedule she would put to rest nagging questions about her role in the Northern Ireland peace talks and the controversial NAFTA trade agreement.

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Obama Converts to Judaism

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.15.2008 | Politics

Read More: Susie Essman, Jeffrey Toobin, Barack Obama, Geraldine Ferraro, Politics News

As a sign of commitment to his new faith, Obama said he anticipated being Bar Mitzvahed sometime between now and the crucial Pennsylvania primary and that he would no longer campaign on Saturdays.

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Spitzer Resigns From Emperors VIP Club

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.11.2008 | Politics

Read More: Susie Essman, Jeffrey Toobin, Eliot Spitzer, Politics News

Mr. Spitzer expressed his regret over the recent sex scandal, telling reporters, "I have let down my fellow Emperors and VIPs, whose privacy has been unfortunately violated."

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Spitzer: I've Been Screwed

Andy Borowitz | Posted 03.10.2008 | Politics

Read More: Bill Clnton, Hillary Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin, Susie Essman, Eliot Spitzer, Spitzer Emperor's Club, Emperor's Club VIP, Eliot Spitzer Prostitution, Politics News

While Mr. Spitzer refused to elaborate on his comment, he added for emphasis, "I've been screwed and it's cost me a lot."

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