As a consumer myself, I have wandered into Target many times before, sometimes after having gotten wasted at a nearby Applebee's, my favorite neighborhood hang.

Beauty is an important part of American culture. But so are machines. And when they get together...wow.

This year, I realized that we can't be perfect wives, mothers, career-women, and super-hot sex babes all at once. And then, I turned on the TV, and I remembered: of course we can! All we need is Stuff!

Ever wondered how to improve your dating life? Maybe it's time you watched a few commercials and saw how mini-burgers can make a major change.

I turned 30 this week, and promptly began to fall apart. Fortunately, modern medicine is here to help with my arthritis, incontinence, and bone loss...for now.

Commercials provide incontrovertible evidence that the villain of the Modern Woman is, in fact, her doofy husband. Ladies, beware! For you too may be harboring a man doing more harm than husbanding.

For every love problem, there is a solution if you can just find the right dating advice book. Is he just not that into you? Is he way too into you? Is he standing outside your door despite the restraining order?

They have taken the women from "Rock of Love Bus" and "Real Chance At Love" and put them in a house together to learn the finer arts of charm. Also, to get sh*t-faced and bitch slap each other.

But what dudes might not know is what goes on when they aren't around. Do we talk about sex? Boys? No. We love to talk about helpful products. All the time. Any place.

Once upon a time a very thoughtful businessperson had an epiphany: "Let's create an emotional connection to our product by plumbing the collective childhood unconscious of our demographic."

If you can't wait for ABC's "Cougar Town" next fall, don't worry. Cougar-based programming is already here on the TV Land network with the reality show "The Cougar." Lick your lips and enjoy.

Why are women always doing laundry? Because of years of inculcated gender roles? Oh no. There's a dirty little secret--we're addicted to it. Laundry is the ladies' drug of choice. We just can't stop.

The first one hundred days of Barack Obama's administration have come and gone and America is excited: we've got stimulus! We've got a puppy! But there's STILL one thing all American women want: Michelle Obama's super buff guns.

Sick? You should try medicine. It can make your achy face, sweatpants and bear head go away. No need to go to the doctor, just self-diagnose from the comfort of your own couch.

Being a single woman is only slightly more appealing than a full body rash. I know, because I saw "He's Just Not That Into You." Meet matchmaker Steve Ward and get ready for some "Tough Love."

When you think of the beautiful natural world, do you think, "I want the environment to be as clean as my vagina." 
No? Well, maybe you should.